Following the Sunset

/ Kris

IMG_6697.JPG Following the sunset only gets you wet feet.

True. I kept my eye on that path of light and the waves receded and then, they didn’t. I wish I could have dropped everything and waded out and then started to swim. However, that would have been silly. Not to mention frighteningly cold and suicidal. So, I sat on the gravel and cried. I cried for wanting someone to just hold me. For being tired of doing chores because she’ll do them if I don’t, and then I’ll feel guilty. For being mad at myself for taking mum by the shoulders and trying to talk to her about her food choices. For knowing I can’t do a damn thing to keep her from making her own choices. For knowing that all the people who love her do not realise how hard she is to live with in real life. For wishing I could reach the end of the sunset and rest.

People suggest and tell me things I should do. I attempt to do them and they work for a short time or not at all. I so wanted to run away tonight. The beach was as far as I got. The sunset was so alluring and elusive and melted away into the mountains. And I had to come back to the house where my responsibility lies.

And where I have dry socks.

9 thoughts on “Following the Sunset”

  1. Kris.. so sorry that you are feeling so overwhelmed…

    But just quit trying to be a mom to your mom. Be her friend and daughter instead..

    Be there just for support.. and to give her moral support..
    mom is going to retaliate for her independence.
    Only have the food available to her that you think she should be having..
    Let her do what she can do.. even if it’s not perfectly done..
    it gives her a sense of usefulness and accomplishment…
    don’t you feel guilty.. pick up the slack whenever you visit.. remind her of her medication..

    But don’t be mom..
    nothing feels worse than having your kids treat you like a kid..

    Take pride in just loving her and caring for her.. helping her to be around a little longer..
    just stop being so motherly..
    she needs you.. but just to be there for moral support…

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    • I don’t hover like my sister would/does. I try to keep things around she is supposed to eat. Unfortunately, she binges on those things. Most of my day is spent in the basement of her house, keeping out of her way. I do have a monitor so I can hear if she falls or something. I do not want to mother her. The part which hurts the most is knowing how she is being kept alive on my watch and when I am not watching, she messes herself up. I hate that. I know I can’t keep her from herself, but I can still hate it. And feeling guilty about it is par for the course. I won’t drive with her when she insists she is ready to drive again. I hated driving with her before last summer when I took over! She terrified me as a driver, but none of her health care persons have told me she shouldn’t drive. They obviously have never gone with her. Shudder! I also don’t want to get into elder abuse for letting her get into situations where she hurts herself. Such a fine line in caregiving. Last night, it overwhelmed me. Again. I am never good enough for her, she is always better than anything and everything I could do. I’m used to it, but her life is more important than me. (it always has been!) She always tells the health care team members who visit that she has no depression or anxiety and she is absolutely fine. I’m the weenie.

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      • Hahahaha.. you are the weenie..
        She sounds so stubborn.. and very defiant..
        now I kinda understand your frustration.. she is not working with you… she’s opposing to everything you do not being humble enough to accept that she needs your help in things she is not capable of anymore..

        Maan.. this must be so hard for you..
        trying to give her her space and knowing she’s not fully functional because of her age..

        I can see how you would get so overwhelmed not knowing how to deal with her.. without scolding her for being so defiant and causing harm to herself .. making you feel and look bad..

        I now get the picture of your emotional state ..
        You are dealing with a elderly mother who is acting like a six year old..

        Oooh.. how I wish she was more co -operative.. and come to terms with her age and condition…

        But you keep on being there for her…

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      • It isn’t age. It is health. I know some very lovely people her age and older. However, they haven’t been battling cancers for 30 plus years and haven’t been independent in their battles for at least 11.

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  2. Loved this post, Kris! Being a caregiver can be an almost thankless job. If I might ‘suggest’ something to attempt..? Try to stay above the day to day minutiae as to become bogged down in that will pull your attitude and perspective down as well. At the end of each day try to find the time to do something you really enjoy and that helps you forget about your care-giving chores. But maybe most importantly; find time for yourself and try to stay rested. Watching the sun set is such a peaceful exercise! Hopefully the clouds will cooperate and you’ll be able to see many, many more..!

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