Thoughts on today—

I’ve been thinking about the past and the future of our world. This song sort of encapsulates some of that.

“We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No, we didn’t light it, but we tried to fight it

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
But when we are gone
It will still burn on and on and on and on
And on and on and on and on…

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No, we didn’t light it
But we tried to fight it”
Billy Joel

Melted Mountains

Well, it appears Mum is doing well. The weight loss she had must have been a mistake on the scales of that dr. She is now 112 again, or still, or whatever. The doctor she saw today surmised the bulge in her tummy (which he said was small) is most likely scar tissue and he would not recommend a surgery on her stoma (hole in abdomen) unless it was a local sort of anesthesia. He suggested we continue with giving her foods she can process and the nutritional drinks. (the one she had tonight is making her sick, she should have had it earlier. She is about ready to throw up.)  Basically, another doctor reminding us mum is doing well. When I said a different doctor said she’d be well by the end of summer, he sort of wasn’t as sure on that. He hedged on the word ‘well’. Will she be healthier? yes. Will she be up to the things she could do two years ago? Probably not. Mum opted to not hear that part.

I had to wake her this morning to give her shots. I woke her for the first one and then again for the second one. She got lost today at the medical building. I dropped her off and parked the car and when I got to the office area, she wasn’t there. She had gone to a different one. She knew where we were going today, we had discussed it for several days. At breakfast I reminded her when she was sure nothing was going on today. I had even mentioned I had dropped her off on the wrong side of the building and she agreed. But, it appears memory lapses can also be caused by an UTI (urinary tract infection). She’s had one already and been treated, but it may be chronic. No one is taking those seriously, except a couple of her friends and I.

After her appointment, she was nauseous, but visited a friend and then before dinner she wanted to go to town for dinner and then a baseball game! Thankfully, I remembered King Felix was pitching tonight for Seattle and she opted to stay home and see how he did. We ordered pizza for dinner and ate too much (I love pizza, but not what it does to my diabetes!!!) and then she had that beverage. And for a snack, a mini bagel with whipped mixed berry cream cheese. Yeah, not good for her already high blood sugar. But, she’ll be down to the 100’s by breakfast. Unless the shot she did on her own was messed up. Not gonna even think about it.

So, mountains have been melted. I’m going to go with the flow of snow melt and ride it down the slope. See ya at the bottom!!

Under the rose colored glasses

This carefully edited stark shot with a tear is in response to Amanda and others. You are right. I do often need help, mothered, cared for. Today I was trying too hard to be ok and fell apart when I went to dad’s bench in the park. My falling apart is often contained, I rarely fold completely. It isn’t appropriate. I sat there today and realised how often I hold on to others around me for help. How often I reach out and cling. How often I whine and bitch and moan. And how, in reality, I am alone.  I was sure it was cuz I am so fat and unlikable and boring and well, no one wants to be around a clinging vine!  It was the loneliness which really shook me today.

Last night, when we were changing mum’s waste bag, we found a knot. A lump. It is about the size of a smaller English walnut. You only feel it when mum is prone. The imagination goes wild when you discover something like this in a person who has a strong history of cancers. Having to be the strong responsible one truly sucks. I know my imagination is probably inaccurate, thankfully we see a Dr tomorrow. The surgeon who removed mum’s cancerous spleen more than a year ago. It is just that damn cha cha dance and mum? Tonight she seems to be a little more tired of this dance of death. She says she hurts tonight where the lump is. It has never hurt before, but she might have poked the area today.

As I sat there with tears drying in the wind, I felt lost. I got back home and sat despondent and completely unmotivated to do anything. I thought about staying away from the internet for a while (cutting off my nose to spite my face, so to speak). Then, I remembered this. It was in the book I read last night.

“Don’t be so proud you can’t receive from others. If you don’t let them give to you, then you cheat them of the good luck they could receive by giving to you.”

I need to roll with the good moments and be happy when they happen. The Craftsman texts me a couple of times a week now and calls at least twice. My kid in VA calls often. I have good friends who encourage me in many different ways through the giving of themselves. There are beautiful stories in the world I can enjoy, blogs which make me smile, and friends who write those blogs who also give. I have running warm water in the house. I love those around me who give to me and I’ll continue to let them. It isn’t my place to reject their goodness when I am feeling like I should get rid of it. The loneliness I am experiencing is not because of what I look like or what I do. It is made up of fragments of sharp life bits cutting into moments of joy.

Those rose colored glasses are ok to wear for a while. They are just glasses which help one see differently. Different is good.

Backwards

In one of my favorite musicals, there is a song called, ‘Sunrise, Sunset’. It talks about how quickly the passage of time in children and those seasons of happiness and tears. I chased the sun during 2017’s summer solstice. But, I started with the sunset and ended with the sunrise. My photos in between didn’t turn out quite as photogenic as I’d hoped. I am sure I could come up with some philosophical wonderful thoughts about the beauty I was surrounded by. Probably later, though! I’m sort of tired. The first photo was about midnight and the second one was around 445 am. The hours in between had twilight and predawn and daylight, each part was gorgeous…and wet! Yup, our summer solstice had several spots of rain. I did scribble some thoughts as I watched (and read, I’ll review that later!). I didn’t stay on the beach past 330AM, I needed to get mum up at 4.

Midnight: Cook Inlet. Mascara on eyelashes reaching down to touch and edge of gold.

1 Am: Cook Inlet. Behind me is twilight, ahead are muted colors fading into tomorrow.

145 Am: Cook Inlet. Skies are starting to lighten above me, at the head of the Inlet there is a stain of pale peach.

3 AM: Cook Inlet. A predawn creamsicle edges the blue gray sky. It is light enough to read and write. The tide is coming in, I wasn’t sure when I was out earlier. The thunder of the surf accompanies the pitter of rain drops hitting the car.

 

Lost and found

 Often truth is stranger than fiction. Things happen which make absolutely no sense, yet they make you smile in amazement. Or yell or cry or whatever emotion happens to pop across your visage at the time! I had a couple odd things happen to me today. Almost putting the dishwasher pods in the freezer because I thought they were the meatballs I’d purchased was just natural selection of the silly. The other? That was truly bizarre.

The earrings in the photo are very old. I was granted pierced ears when I turned 13 (it was a very grown up thing to get done and the age of 13 was deemed the best age to do this). I loved having pierced ears. Then, in college, I decided to go wild. I had one other piercing on my ear. This made three. (I know, not really wild, but hey…I thought it was!) After a time, I decided I didn’t like it. I was home and my sister wanted to get another piercing (she had a LOT) on one of her ears. So, we went in and she got one and I got one. Now, I had 4 and was perfectly content. Especially since I also purchased an amethyst pair of studs. I almost always wear those earrings in my top piercings. Sometimes I’d wear a different pair, but these are my favorites.

When I got dressed this morning in layers, I discovered one of them was minus a back. I was crushed! Where on earth was it? I had slept in a sweatshirt with a hood, gotten dressed in a tank top, snap up western shirt and shorts, brushed out my hair, put it in a pony tail, washed my face, and quite honestly, I was sure the connector piece was gone. The worst part was the back being from an older pair of earrings, made when earring studs were solid metal. I didn’t know if I could replace it. I was in a hurry to get to a friend’s house, so carefully put the two earrings and the single back on the table, deciding to deal with it later. I got in and out of the car a couple of times, buckling and unbuckling, because I’d forgotten things before finally actually leaving. Once at my friend’s, I removed layers for inside wear. Before I left, I put them all back on and a glint on the floor caught my eye. I bent down and it was the back to my earring!!!!!!

How on earth it managed to fall to the floor where it could be found after all the things I’d done, I’ll never know. The absolutely lost item was found and put carefully into a sealed plastic baggie. The pair is complete and residing together in the baggie, awaiting cleansing. (I decided to clean them, since I’d taken them off!) It still baffles me to know it followed me to my friend’s house, but I am VERY thankful! I cannot even imagine where it might have been. I don’t think I could come up with a yarn good enough! True stories are pretty strange sometimes.

If only

 If only I could show you how incredible this lake is. Yesterday, there was a bit of a breeze. When it blew across the lake, it was like silver glitter being spilled. Every so often ducklings would appear. They’d get caught up in the pool of glitter and look as if they were scrambling for purchase in the shimmer.                                                                              

The lily pads held patches of gold surrounded by silver on black, stunning jewels for the breast of summer water.

Tonight, the sun had finally gone down. At 130 am, the lake was reflecting black trees and charcoal skies. Billowy clouds of a lighter hue crowded the surface above the cones of the firs and peeks of light illuminated the water in streaks.

I wish I could show you.

One of those days

I got up, got mum as organised as I dared, made my bed. Looked at my bed, got back into it, and stayed for a while. I also forgot my morning shot again. It’s all better now, but really! Looking for some of those scenes which won’t happen in real life!

Ohemgeee!

 This time it isn’t guilt (at the moment). This time AAAARG! OK< I forgot to mention this in my crazy day, but mom’s therapist told me she should be cut loose and I need to let her do her own meds and as much care as she can handle. So, I have been. She had all her pain meds last night (she asked me to get them for her), so I woke her at 4, because I didn’t think she could do it on her own. She couldn’t have. I woke her this  morning when it was 8 am for her morning glucose and shot. She wanted to stay in bed, but opted to get up for a bit of breakfast. I asked if she wanted me to make it for her and she said she’d do it. She  poured herself cereal (I measure) and grabbed her little cup of morning meds I had set out (there is no way she could have opened the new vitamin bottle, I had trouble!! Stupid safety seal). I asked if she was going to have protein with that and she said, ‘Yeah, could you make me some PB toast? It’ll help me gain weight.” She is lucky I am a well behaved child, I wanted to throw something at her.

I give her PB toast every single time she has cereal of any kind, she usually has peanut butter on her frozen waffles , and I even give her PB for snacks at night. Peanut butter is NOT going to help her gain weight today if it hasn’t in the last 7 months. And she told me yesterday, the reason she’s losing so much weight is because she needs the rest of her teeth pulled. Cancer is not a reason for unexplained weight loss. As one of my friends told me last night, she needs to grasp onto any excuse she can for her illness, but gods, it makes me so mad! It is like I’ve not done anything to keep her well.

And the worst part? My blood glucose was horrible this morning and hers was really good. Stupid.

A crazy week!

 I drove a push button rig which I learned was not quite as modern as we think. In the link, by the 6th slide you learn they existed as early as 1912.  I mowed mum’s yard. It isn’t a lawn, it is a very steep slope of various sorts of greens. It kills my calves as I  push the mower (see star) up and down the expanse.  I looked into the recesses of one of mum’s cupboards for something I decided I didn’t need when I realised I probably couldn’t get it out if I found it anyway.  I spent time photographing this lovely instrument of death while it was perched in the yard. After I took close to 60 photos, the darn thing flew down to the lake and snatched a duckling for his post photo op snacking pleasure. It wasn’t enough, he got another one about 20 min later.  It appears I wore old worn white shoes for several days this week. Well, one of them is more worn than the other. I also discovered I had a duplicate set in a different area of my basement. Then, I found this in a store where I was picking up burgers for dinner. It sort of seems seasonal with the white and red color scheme. However, I was feeling it an apt bit of signage for me this crazy week. I have been too nice lately and I am ready for naughty!

These two blogs made me laugh out loud, too. This friend shared a song and this friend words so bizarre, you have to laugh!

The best for last

 Dad married Mom when I was in 5^th grade.  I was seriously skeptical of this union. I was tired of new men. I was tired of dads. I was not even interested in having one more. I was doing just fine raising my sister while mum worked. Shoot, I was in 3^rd or 4^th grade and babysitting at night for friends for cash! The night my sister asked when we should start calling this man dad, I kicked her under the dinner table. I didn’t need another dad. I was gloriously wrong. Guys who marry into readymade families of girls are a special kind of hero. I had no use for this man and watched him every day for a stumble. He didn’t. In fact, as the years went on, my sister and I decided if they divorced, we’d go with dad!

This dad adopted us when I was in Jr Hi. He took the ‘free state money’ us Alaskans got and invested it. Because of this, I don’t have a college debt. Dad took care of it. Dad bored me with an in depth study of how a transmission works in a stick shift before teaching me to drive. He then smoked incessantly when I was first behind the wheel (note: when he told me to turn right and I didn’t want to because all I saw was a bush, and then when I finally turned right and stopped in the bush, only to discover there was a road just to the left of the bush, it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t know the road was there!). Dad didn’t mind all those boys who brought me home and dated me from age 16 on. He didn’t seem to mind they were in my basement room with me, either..But, I digress!

Dad was there when I ended up with Diabetes after graduation from HS. Dad’s insurance covered the disease I inherited from my biological father and he let me go off to college where I wanted (he wanted me in AK, I wanted to leave!). Dad survived both his daughters getting pregnant out of wedlock at the same time. Then, while I was getting married, he helped my sister with the birth of his granddaughter.  Dad went thru more than colon cancer with mum and her hobbies and more college education and helped control her clutter bug. My timeline is hazy, but I think mum had breast radiation while dad was alive. I believe they were both removed the year he died.

I was fortunate to be home when my dad died. Cigarettes were the main reason he died so young (just after he turned 65), I do NOT like those things one bit. Leaving Alaska after was the hardest thing in the world. I knew if I ever came back, Dad wouldn’t be here. But, he is. Oddly, my youngest son reminds me a great deal of my dad in quite  a few mannerisms, there is a memorial bench in a park with dad’s name on it, and my family has two of dad’s hobbies in their grasp. Dad restored juke boxes and we ended up with four. Dad also purchased an 57 Mercury in 1997, which The Craftsman inherited and enjoys greatly. (The Craftsman was a Ford technician for a number of years)

My Dad taught me patience, a little about finances (he’d be so proud of me today!!!), and whole lot more. He was always the one who asked if mum had sent me packages for different holidays. He was the one who bought me an answering machine because no one was ever home when he called. Dad made me music cassettes and videos on any number of things and movies.

I often wonder what he thinks right now. Gods, I wish I could ask him! Dump all this crap in his lap and let him fix things like he did up until his last months. I miss my Dad so much. I visit his memorial bench often, I find sitting on his bench is a way I can get close to him. But, then, I realise he isn’t here and I need to go on. Because he would.