Willow Cat Nips

Oh, who will tell us when ‘tis time, for flowers to wake from wint’ry pillow, and push their green shoots toward the sun? Pussy-willow! Yes, Pussy-willow!—Marie Irish from a booklet called ‘Catchy Primary Recitations,’ copy write 1923.

Not everyone has palms to wave around on the Sunday before Easter. Many places in northern climes use pussy willow branches to herald the advent of the King. For me, a pussy willow is one of my favorite flowers. Soft, grey and white, and full of the promise of the new season. It isn’t an ordinary flower with petals and a scent, it wasn’t created to be commonplace nor are all the catkin buds on willows. (I did find a curious bit about the buds, it appears they are male. I’m always intrigued when there are male and female plants. I planted a ton of holly starts on the OR coast, none grew to have berries because they were all the same sex! It is unfortunate you can’t just lift up a leaf to check.)  They are quirky, just like me!

When we lived on the coast, I also had several willow trees. A weeping one (Strider fell out of that one, he broke his arm. So stupid. His dad wanted to catch our young’un. I stopped him, because a fall from a tree happens to everyone. It would be good for him to remember to pay attention in a tree if he fell.  Go, mom!), a golden one (I LOVED that tree, it was so pretty in any season and it had such useful branches!), the last one was a twisted willow (lovely limbs all twined together).

I was looking for a photo of Moses as a kitten in my golden willow tree, but for some reason, I cannot find it online. I know it is there..somewhere! Oh well, I’ll share it when I find it. I’ll leave you with a wonderful band’s song called Pussy Willow, which is actually very much something I can relate to in many spots. (hooray for Youtube and Jethro Tull!!!)

Monday?

I’m not sure if it is an Alexander Day (refer to storybook, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day) or if it is just another Monday. Because my regular Monday wasn’t too bad, really. Today, however has been one of those days I should have just gone back to bed and stayed there. Although, I also did that. (To be fair, I did get some fun texts from TnT today, plus some updates from Podman on a situation I’ve been concerned about.)

I woke up at 4 to get mom up. She decided she was able to take care of herself, so I went outside. She had changed her fitting twice in the last 5 hours, but she did it all by herself. (I’ll probably have to buy more on Friday) It was dark and the moon was behind the house and I watched the northern lights. They were very pale and almost insubstantial, but lovely, just the same. I had checked my glucose and was pretty impressed. 95 is a nice number and since it was almost morning, I let it go. At 8, the alarm went off and mum was already up. I was so tired, I decided to stay in bed a bit longer. About 10 I finally really woke and had my thyroid tablet with water and checked my blood again. It was over 300. (Must have been the dawn phenomenon that sometimes happens in the life of a person with diabetes.) I was rather annoyed because I’d been so very proud I’d had a long run of great glucose levels.

I went online to make reservations for Thursday and was confronted with the first of many plane problems. Not a single ticket available for when I needed it. I knew mom would not be comfortable leaving here at 6 in the morning for a flight that go to the city at 8, where we’d wait around for her appointment at 11. I managed to get mom’s appointment changed to Wednesday, when tickets were available. The reservations hadn’t showed up in my email, so I went to sleep. (I have been so tired. Achy and about as much energy as cooked spaghetti. I keep putting off chores to do later and I am not hungry at all. When I wear my glasses I get headaches, when I don’t I also get headaches. My back hurts as well as my tummy. I had a sore throat last night, but it is gone, thank goodness! I’m not sure if it is the month long spotting from my cycles I thought had stopped or something else. The doctor’s office did call to tell me my liver was great and not to worry about anything, so that was good. I’m sure my being tired is nothing important. It is most likely from being here in a never ending loop.) I have never waited this long to get tickets. If I know I need them, I get them early. So, first bad idea was to wait. As I messaged a friend of mine, live and learn and pay! They were rather spendy things. I finally got up around 5 (I told you I was tired!) and still no email. I was getting frustrated, I felt I needed to know when the tickets were for. I tried using my airline code and was told several times it was incorrect. (It was on a laminated paper in front of me) I managed to use my confirmation code, but the times and dates were wrong. I was totally confused. I could not find mom’s at all.  So, I called. Thankfully, the reservation office is open late. I was VERY thankful they didn’t close before they got to me, I was on hold for what seemed like forever (it was only about 15-20 minutes). When the lovely lady chimed in, she literally saved my bacon.

It appears I managed to have me fly out on Thursday morning very early. Mom was leaving on Wednesday in the mid-morning. We were both returning on Thursday afternoon. It is times like this when I wish I had someone to help me. I was so muddled today everything got mucked up. The very nice person helped fix things. She managed to get mum and I on the same flight on the same day. However, the return ticket on that same day will be very late due to the planes being full up. Hoping we can fly on standby back earlier.

On the real Monday (because Tuesday must have been a Monday!) I talked to The Craftsman for 20 minutes and asked him tell Little Bear to call his Nana for her birthday. Mum was thrilled, she reported they had a long conversation. The kid said he pretty much listened and acknowledged words now and then. I laughed. I also connected with a guy I went to grade school with (I’m not sure how I feel about this. If we ever meet, I am certain he’ll not be that small boy in the ribbed polyester turtleneck!), was sent a dear friendly text from a very good person I’m fond of, and my EMT friend is now engaged to a super sweet man she has known for a while. (he’s been in the hospital and she’s been there helping to take care of him with his family almost nonstop for months. He asked her to marry him from his hospital bed!! I almost thought I was reading a Harlequin romance!)

Tuesday was also the anniversary of the ’64 Good Friday quake. Maybe this is why I felt so awful and slept so much today. (Below is fascinating story of the science in this catastrophic event)

Skittle thoughts

Friday I was out and about. Mum asked why I was so cheerful when I got home. I had no idea why she’d think I was more cheerful. I went to the post, did a small amount of shopping (I should have done more, but was hoping to do some on Sunday while she was in church, that didn’t happen), elfed, spoke to a friend for a few minutes, and came home. Nothing to be overly cheerful about, but perhaps it was cuz it was sunny.

Elfing was fun. It was the home owner’s birthday, so I left a bottle of wine. I also got myself some of a similar strain from a different place. It was really good the first three times I opened the tiny bottle. The last time it was AWFUL! I’ll have to remember to drink it and not ‘save’ it. I got a four pack of plastic bottles. So darn cute! I only hope the flavor of the stuff I drank last doesn’t turn me off to what it tasted like earlier. (BAD photo of wining elf.)

Mum was watching golf and I almost commented on something. Where I elf, the TV is often on golf and I’ve asked questions. I sort of understand it now! So cool. (Mum isn’t aware I elf often. I don’t often see or speak to the owner, but I’d prefer mom didn’t know what I do with my ‘free’ time.)

The rest of the weekend was full of contemplation and sleeping off and on and books. I talked to The Craftsman for 30 min on Friday and received two texts late at night the last two nights. (wait! There were three, he sent me a picture of a tree in town Sunday morning!) I’ve been reading and wondering and thinking about how silly I am. I want and then I remember how selfish it is. I look at the man Mr. Korczak and know his answer is the right one. I think about how peaceful it would be to renounce everything and go cook and clean anonymously somewhere. A place where I would know physical or mental petting wouldn’t exist and thus wouldn’t miss it. Or maybe I should pretend my marriage is that place? Yup, very confused chameleon here in the basement at moms.

This next week mum has plans. So far, she’s managed to nix the first one. She really wanted to attend service Sunday morning. I was dressed to go, but she was sleeping. I absolutely HATE to wake her up when I know she doesn’t sleep very well. I had to wake her at 4 am and she didn’t go back to bed. She went to the couch and after a bit, I heard a crash. It was her Kindle falling to the floor. So glad it wasn’t her! Monday we are supposed to drive to a favorite restaurant. It is a couple of hours away. She also said we can shop after we get back to town. I’m not sure we really need more than bread and maybe strawberries. (She does eat a lot more than I do, even if it doesn’t show.) And we are taking the dog. And it is cold. Thursday, she gets the last stitches out. She is very much looking forward to this, she believes it will make her feel  much better and she’ll be able to do things again. (eye roll) She is also going to go to a service that night, after we get back. Que, sera, sera!!!!! She really does sound great when she’s feeling good. Cheerful and upbeat. Hoping she can be that way all week.

I also discovered I need to be more careful when jotting down quotes from books. I have notebooks I use exclusively for thoughts I want to save. I have one from the Anais Nin book that has a word in it I am absolutely baffled by. Here is the quote and the scribbled word which MIGHT be mesmeric, except it looks like there are a few other letters I can’t make out in it….. “Talking together is a form of intercourse. You and I exist together in all the delirious countries of the sexual world. You draw me into the marvelous. Your smile keeps a **mesmeric flow.’ No matter, this is why I love to talk to people. I’m drawn into the marvelous and am always learning something on almost every topic.

Below are Wild Bleeding Hearts in my Oregon garden in late March–they are the tiny pink things hidden inside the pale rain drop covered leaves.

 

Photos of the week..so far!

We had snow, which resulted in so much white stuff the paper was almost buried when it was tossed in the drive. Even with the amount of snow we got, the birds weren’t interested in nibbling from my hand.

I found a crazy shaped m&m in the snack bag I poured out, a different pair of bags didn’t have a single green one in them!

I found a mountain lion in a tree stump, I am so thankful I have an imagination. (I added eyes and teeth and ears to the second photo–do you see it?)

As mentioned earlier, I got seriously cold on my walk down the verge where the new pipeline is going to go, but when I found sunshine, it was warm enough to remove layers…briefly! (both photos were taken minutes apart!!)

Every step I took on the ice made a lovely crackling sound. I’m going to miss winter so much, but I am glad for warm sunshine.

Let’s Pretend

It started out pretty positive. I woke to speak to a friend about the experiences I’m in.  It was definitely a good thing, nice to imagine I can help someone else from this remnants of this crazy choice I made so long ago. It was nice to be up on a sunny breezy morning.

When I checked on mom, that wasn’t so good. She’s had some very horrible highs and lows, swings that are worse than her normal ones. She manages to go from 409 to 86 (with a shot) and then back to 414 and drops again to 119, with another small dose of Humalog insulin. (She won’t let me give her the shots, she’s perfectly able to do it herself.) This has been going on since Sunday night. This morning (Wednesday) she had gone up to 507. On Tuesday morning she got miffed at me because she felt she might need to go to the hospital, but I didn’t respond to her calling my name at 8am. She managed on her own, she said. Basically, meaning her glucose dropped from 406 to 135. It did go back up. I felt terrible about not hearing her. I had not slept much on Monday night. I’d gotten up with her at 430 in the morning and was asked to change a nasty fitting (although, most of them are pretty nasty!), gave her some meds, and I finally dropped off to sleep. I feel so irresponsible! Anyway, on Wednesday, I was not sure what to do. The nurse isn’t due out til Thursday. When I called for advice, they told me to call mum’s doctor. The doctor called me back and said we could have an appointment today (Wed) or sometime next, it wasn’t that important. (They obviously know mom and her habits, but I felt this might be not just from the carbs she’s ingesting. Mom thinks her sugars are running high cuz of pain. I’m pretty sure it isn’t just the pain.) She woke from her nap and I told her the choices to see her doctor. She finally opted to take an appointment for today. However, an hour or so later, she asked me to cancel it cuz she felt lots better.

At dinner, her glucose was high again and I reminded her there were pork loins in the fridge for a protein. She said those were too hard to eat. I then said I’d not buy them for her again til she had her new teeth in mid-April. Then, she said she didn’t need to wait that long.  She could eat whatever she wanted to. A bit later she mentioned to the dog that she didn’t get herself a squash yet. (She has not BEEN shopping, I have. Gods, I cannot do ANYTHING right.) We go back north to get the stitches removed next Thursday. Mum told the dog she is pretty sure she’ll feel a lot better once those are out and she won’t need to have any more appointments. At least she is talking to the dog. She’s living in a world of ‘let’s pretend’ and even with my imagination, it frustrates me. (she just told me after her bedtime snack of peanut butter toast with jam that she feels so much better than she has in weeks.) I am glad she is singing again and laughing at things. I sure as hell don’t feel like doing either of those! (Besides, as I’ve been told more than once by her, I am tone deaf and cannot sing at all. I am not tone deaf, I just can’t sing. I’ve probably mentioned that before in here somewhere!)

I had picked up some things in town on Tuesday. She didn’t feel like shopping on Monday after her appointment. Tuesday, I had to wake her for an appointment and then she wanted to go straight home. I absolutely needed to go in and get some script. Unfortunately, my debit card didn’t want to work. I asked The Craftsman about it and was told it was perfectly fine. I wondered if the amount was over a limit. Sometimes when you are not in the area of the card, the bank twigs things. He told me he’d check on Wednesday. I got a good night text and when I asked him about the card, he said he had forgotten. Doesn’t matter.  If the card won’t work, I’ll use a gift card my friend sent me. I was going to get something useless, but meds are more important than anything else and by tomorrow I’ll have missed two days (besides, useless is not something I do!). I’m thankful she gave it to me. (She had sent two and I found out you can’t buy a gift card with a gift card-I was going to use one of the cards to get an Amazon one. This was because Amazon won’t let you use gift cards cuz there isn’t a name on them. I wanted to get something absolutely frivolous from that site. Instead, I bought an Alaskan book for Strider at the grocery store!)

I did get out for a walk this evening. The days are so nice and long. The sun finally set around 8 pm. It was really chilly out with the breeze til I got to a spot that had been in the sun all day. I ended up taking off the scarf I was wearing, my fleece pullover, and my t-shirt! I think the people who drove past and saw me in my tank top must have thought I was crazy! It was so nice in the sunshine, although, I did dress again for my descent back into the valley with the shadows. I also finished two books. The Secret Garden and Pollyanna. I know that last one has a bad rap, but I absolutely LOVE it. I know I’ve not found many good things in the world lately, but they are there. Like the unexpected warmth I found today in the sun, the friends I texted, and the one I spoke to this morning, and Strider who called. (I guess mom being pain free is a good thing, but I’m not entirely certain how long that will last. Oddly, she didn’t use her pain pump most of today, except for what she is getting all the time. She did take some pills.)

I’ll share a photo of one of the good things in the world. A picture one of my friends took of Haystack Rock on the Oregon Coast.

Spring Cleaning Cat Nips

Wrinkled is a casual look.

In the weeks before Easter and Christmas one tends to clean. That is where the phrase Spring cleaning sprang from. In order to get everything ready for the Holy Week between Palm Sunday and Easter, cleaning was a must for house and body. It was often the first bath after a long winter and it was always a time to make all things tidy. Not everyone could afford a new costume, but anything new was worn on Easter to celebrate the Risen Lord.

In my own house, I like to open doors, rearrange dust bunnies, and welcome the fresh air full of the scent of violets and cut grass. If it is breezy, I’ll hang clothes outside. I love the scent of spring in cloth. Little Bear prefers the ease of the dryer. He often opts for the casual look of wrinkled after it sits for a few hours. Sometimes I can get him to actually fold his laundry after it has dried. (above is a photo of the kid’s clothes basket.)

Moses also likes clean laundry from the dryer. Many times I’ll fill the basket, leave it in the living room, leave for a minute, and come back to see him curled up inside. Often I have to move the cat to get to the towels or t-shirts  and socks so I can fold them. Generally, he climbs right back on top to resume his nap. Moses Mc Conikitty doesn’t care what time of the year it is. Naps are always in season for a cat.

Whatcha Got Cooking?

I usually dream about sex. Something rare and wonderful and a lot of fun.

My latest dreams have been about cooking.  More uncommon than rare, but still wonderful, and a great deal of fun!! It might be from reading stories of woodland creatures who love to eat. I am sure I’d never really want to drink chestnut and buttercup beer, but I’d love to try a woodland trifle or perhaps a gooseberry crumble with meadowcream topping, maybe a warm rye farl stuffed with cheese or even candied lilac buds. (the books are by Brian Jacques) It might also have to do with looking up recipes for barley water. After reading the comments from Garfield Hug on a post from a while back, I decided to try the drink again. I had it in Korea (at least, I’m pretty sure that was what we drank!) and figured it would be easy to procure here. Many of the farmers in the area where I normally live often plant barley and I use it now and again in cooking. It appears, however, as a beverage, it is not very common in the US. How ridiculous! Thankfully, there are many different fairly easy recipes all across the net, so it would seem a simple thing to put together. BUT, I can’t make it. Mum’s kitchen is not mine. It is not organized and the drink takes at least 2 hours to cook down. I’d need to store it in the fridge (oh gods, mum’s fridge is a MESS. Each time I try to tidy it, she manages to muddle it completely.). It would probably be good for mum, if she’d drink it. (she still hasn’t opened up the packet of tea I bought for her.) Yet, it would take up a lot of her kitchen and she’d comment. I love cooking, I like cleaning my kitchen, I enjoy knowing where to find whatever it is I might need, and it is so much fun to find new recipes and invent them. (Little Bear is a better food taster than his dad. He often suggests a different spice or more of something.) Mum’s kitchen is not mine.

I really really really miss my kitchen. Below is a picture of cookies in progress. There is a lot of counter space with all kinds of shelves and drawers to store helpful contraptions. It is a fairly large kitchen and I’m pretty sure a walker or even a wheel chair could maneuver in it. The Craftsman planned everything. I even have a small thin drawer specifically for recipes. When Little Bear called to ask me how to cook halibut one day, it was  easy. (although, he wouldn’t send it north) I told him to open the thin drawer of recipes and about 1/3 of the way thru the miscellaneous scraps of paper stained with oils and scented with spice, he’d find a pink heart shaped paper with ink scribbled ingredients and directions. It may or may not be marked halibut…. He found it almost immediately. I did remind him to put it back and clean up the kitchen when he was done.

I want to bake stuffed crust pizzas and cinnamon rolls and garlic rolls. I want to make Texas Sheet Cake and cookies. I miss making cheeseburgers and chicken. I want to make deer jerky and deer sausage gravy for home made biscuits. I want to make coleslaw and egg rolls and broccoli salad. Maybe someday!

My kitchen may not have anything I really wanted in it, except the dishwasher, but it is my very favorite room in the house. The little bench by the window is where I read. (Little Bear made me the bench as a step stool, I use it for that, too!) Reading while cooking isn’t always the best idea, but I also make sure to use timers. It is amazing how many words you can read in between pans of cookies and over a pot of boiling water!

I so do want to have a Bed and Breakfast or Boarding home someday. I think probably I should move to Australia with Garfield Hug and have a garden with flowers and veggies and feed people and bring comfort. As long as it has internet and running water and electricity.

Does it matter?

It is easy for me to fall down the hole of never ending darkness. I hate to bother people. I don’t want to be in the way. I’m not as strong and independent as I need to be. I try and I pretend, then I hide in my blankets and cry. I’ve gotten texts and messages from good friends, they have been beyond helpful. I don’t like to initiate, though. I do that too often!! I often wonder if anything really matters.

After reading a blog I follow, I decided to call The Craftsman. (the blog had ideas on how to encourage others or yourself and suggested calling someone you hadn’t talked to in a while) Since I last spoke to him on the 11th, I thought this would be a good idea. It was!! I got to talk to him for almost 17 minutes on the 16^th. (he was also talking to Little Bear, so I listened for a while) He even texted me twice Saturday night when they were watching a movie at the house and twice Sunday morning during praise team rehearsal at church. He also called me on Sunday for 20 minutes!!! He’s a lot busier than I am, so it was nice to hear from him so many times. I had to laugh, though. Not only is the sewer pipe from the house blocked (probably tree roots), but his mom’s hot water has been leaking for months and she didn’t think it was  important. (he sees her every single night for at least 30 minutes and yet, she forgot to mention it!!!)

The satellite tech came out on Sunday. He got lost. I do wish people would stop trying to use GPS to find mum’s house. They should just call and ask how to get here. (I do fairly well with directions, as long as I remember my rights and lefts!) Mum’s health nurse got lost again last week. The road exists, but most of the time it isn’t navigable. It is sort of now, because a company is putting in a new pipeline and they have needed to doze for the trucks to haul in the pipe. However, it is really best for a 4 wheel drive!! Anyway, the TV tech, (bless his heart!) said the contraption that came is not really necessary for television in Alaska. He also said he wasn’t keen on clambering thru hip deep snow to reach the dish, nor would it work on the dish in the yard. He didn’t want me to try toshovel to get to the dish, it is in the middle of downed trees and brush! He suggested we keep the contraption and he’d return when the snow was gone and he’d move everything to mum’s roof and we’d not have a half acre of cables strung thru the trees and moss. (there are at least 3 or 4 black cables from the two dishes to the house, some might be spares.) He also said to not call the main number when the yard was clear. I’ll stop by the office and let them know in person.  Mum was sort of mad at me, I didn’t let her talk much to the guy who came. She thought she knew him (he grew up in a town much further away than any of the ones mum has taught in) and I was trying to help him get in and out and be done!

My sister called. Actually, she called a couple of times. She and my niece were gone this last week (they were sick, but had paid for a convention sort of thing for FFA and were determined to go). At the end, awards were given. My niece got one for leadership. So, she called her Nana to tell her. I could only hear mom’s side of the conversation. ‘You got an award for leadership? What did you do? Why did they give you the award? Did you build a snowman? They had to give it to you for doing something. You don’t know? Well, I’m glad for you. I have your birthday present here. When do you think you can come and get it? Are you staying the night up there or coming back? Well, be safe.” (those sentences were interspersed by blank moments where my niece was trying to answer!) Jake called before the tech guy arrived to say they were back, pretty wiped out, and still sick, so they were not planning on coming out for a while.

I hear mom whimpering and forcing herself to do things because her hands hurt. She insists it is the weather or the time of the day.  She is not admitting to pain anywhere else. She’s trying to stop taking pain meds, although she will. Thankfully, she writes it down when she does. She gets mad at me when I praise her for how well she’s feeling. She did ask me to remove the cap from a needle tip today. I also replaced it. The sharp part was bent over flat. Mum said she got her insulin, it bent when she pulled it from her skin. (I’ve tweaked needles-rarely-putting them IN my body, I’ve never bent them during removal.) She’s not sleeping much at night. I’ll hear her say she’s going to bed, the tv will be on and lights will be on til around 2. Then, she goes to her room and turns on her oxygen, if she hasn’t already. She then gets up around 4 am and again around 6 and then again at 8. Sometimes she takes meds, not always. She might be snacking. I don’t know. I let her do what she wants. She desires independence and so, I’ll give it to her. She did say the other day how it was nice having someone here. (As long as it is her older daughter who lets her do whatever she wants, for the most part.) She has paperwork due at the end of the month, she has had it since January. She says she’ll do it and I keep moving it to make sure it is in sight. I can’t do it for her, or I would. She wants to be in charge of her finances again. (I’m not keen on the idea. But maybe I should.) She is glad the days are getting longer and goes outside often. She won’t wear a coat because it is 35 degrees. (I’ve slipped and will wear my jacket. Sometimes I even zip it up, but she says it is because I don’t live here anymore and I’m not used to the weather.) She goes through short spurts of vigorous activity followed by long periods of non-activity during the day. We see a radiologist Monday so she can get a second opinion on her being incurable. Maybe someone can do surgery to remove the abdominal tumor, she managed to fly through the one for teeth and the pain pump one. Not sure what they would do with the tumors in her lungs. Tuesday they will do something so she can get some new teeth sections.

I’m just going to ferry her to the different appointments and read The Secret Garden. (pictures from pear trees in Eastern Oregon March ’15)

The Last Days

Last days. Two words which embody everything. I’ve finally mostly caught up with the all the blogs I follow and find in my email inbox these last days. I’ve not been in the WP area, except to post a few things. I have wanted to comment, but the last days have been odd. Not any more frustrating than usual or tiring. Just normal odd stuff that makes me not want to do anything. I laugh when I see people stop blogging because they don’t have anything to say or write. I can’t imagine NOT having anything to say, I just haven’t had the energy these last days to respond. It has been pretty outside, the last days of winter are waning slowly. I’m glad, I will miss winter and I’d rather have it go away a little bit at a time.

Monday was a stunning sunshine sort of day. All white and blue and golden. I went to the beach and in the middle of all the snow, I found rocks. Rhapsody has been on my mind a great deal this last week and finding a depression of rocks seemed fortuitous. Rhapsody loves rocks and so do I. I stepped into the hole and found a few rocks to remind me of my friend in Germany who is doing somewhat the same thing I am. Once home, I put the rocks around a container of dried purple flowers. I’m not exactly sure why, I just felt like I needed to. I walk past them and touch them, I hope she feels my presence.

Tuesday was really busy. It dawned with a lot of snow and some accidents. I was not one of them and drove very carefully to each errand. I was going to stop at the local TV place and ask them what the heck this thing is. It was on the porch after I got home from my beach visit on Monday. (Mum hadn’t heard the driver come to the house, which was also odd) I had texted the photos to a few persons and still no thought on what it is for.

Mum’s tv is working fine, she had her new receiver hooked up, but then this contraption arrived. I’ll figure it out eventually! What I did end up doing was visit the doctor. Again.

I know caregivers are needed to take care of themselves, but I honestly don’t know how this would have been discovered. I have been to the doctor a few times in the last months for other things. I now wonder if those things were a part of whatever this might be. OK, let me clarify the vague posting! While at the doctor, I was examined and it was discovered I have a yeast infection. I haven’t had one of those in ages. (I do wish the nasty pills to ‘cure’ those would taste better!!!!) In the course of the exam I mentioned one of the other doctors had suggested I should have a urine test. I wish it had been done at the prior appointment. The test showed there are protein things in my urine. Going online to find out what a lab result might be is not a good idea. About the only ‘good’ thing that might cause those is something I know is only plausible, pregnancy. So, they decided to take blood. They were going to wait til the end of April, but opted to do it this week. It hurt. I won’t find out those results til later. So annoyed. If I’m really sick, the irony will be laughable. Mum, who is lingering quite healthily in a stage 4 pancreatic cancer lifestyle, has fairly good body parts that are all in order. The daughter, who was well, might not be. Eye rolling!

I continued on thru the day with more of mom’s errands, some moderate elfing and much needed friend support, then picked up pizza for dinner. After which, I made what might be the final snowperson of the season. She’s entirely organic. OK, except her nose. That is a pipe from a pink wind chime. I didn’t name her. (I’d write about a response from The Craftsman after I sent this, but it doesn’t matter.)

I often wonder if mum really is as well as she appears on paper. She is taking the meds in the pain pump as well as still taking the script for pain and nausea and sleeping at the drop of a hat. I changed one of her fittings at 515 AM Wed morning, she has done the rest. Unfortunately, she also has not kept track. I luckily found 5 more we didn’t know existed, but I probably should pick up extras on Thursday. The spares have already been used. We had this conversation on Wednesday night. MOM: ‘oooow. Owie, ooooow.’  Me: ‘Are you hurting more?’ MOM: ‘Not bad. About a 3.’ Me: ‘If you are at a 3, you should only need the meds in your pump. That is pretty good!’ MOM: ‘I think it’s about a 4.’ I then hear the pump notification chime go off after the drugs are administered and mum mumbling. She is going to take a single pain pill and hope it works. I went up later and found she’d taken two.

Comparison is supposed to not happen, it does. I look at my relationship with mum and think about how awful I am as a daughter. I compare myself and feel lacking. I don’t want to take her on outings, I hate the repercussions when we return (lots of pain). I don’t want to leave her alone, she is irresponsible about what she does (today she went outside for quite a while. It was warm, but she had said she was going to just walk around a bit. She’d taken a couple of pain pills, in addition to the pump meds. NOT safe). I don’t want to be responsible anymore. I want to be taken care of, I  guess I am not as independent as I thought!

I feel like Professor Okun from Independence Day. ‘Release me.’ Looking at the sunshine on the water makes me want to follow the path into the mountains. Wonder what we’d find inside???

Growing Cat Nips

Two little ladybugs flew around a flower, Then crawled beneath a leaf to nap for half an hour. –Anonymous children’s rhyme

As much as I love winter, spring is by far the most amazing time of the year. The yard slowly wakes, a little bit more each day, until it almost explodes with color and sound and scent.  As if it is trying to rush to reach the lazy days of summer. I particularly love all the violets hiding in the grass. Most people tend to turf them out, I ask they be left alone. I often think I can almost eat them because they smell so good! (I haven’t eaten them, you can, but I generally just pick them for tiny little vases). When I’m out in the new grass, Moses usually joins me. (He joins anyone anywhere!) I was taking photos of the purple and white violets one day and found a ladybug getting ready to hitch a ride on our orange kitty. I moved the little guy. Ladybugs are red for a reason! They are toxic little things who release a nasty bitter substance when provoked. I didn’t want Moses to accidentally lick the creature and get sick!