Last days. Two words which embody everything. I’ve finally mostly caught up with the all the blogs I follow and find in my email inbox these last days. I’ve not been in the WP area, except to post a few things. I have wanted to comment, but the last days have been odd. Not any more frustrating than usual or tiring. Just normal odd stuff that makes me not want to do anything. I laugh when I see people stop blogging because they don’t have anything to say or write. I can’t imagine NOT having anything to say, I just haven’t had the energy these last days to respond. It has been pretty outside, the last days of winter are waning slowly. I’m glad, I will miss winter and I’d rather have it go away a little bit at a time.
Monday was a stunning sunshine sort of day. All white and blue and golden. I went to the beach and in the middle of all the snow, I found rocks. Rhapsody has been on my mind a great deal this last week and finding a depression of rocks seemed fortuitous. Rhapsody loves rocks and so do I. I stepped into the hole and found a few rocks to remind me of my friend in Germany who is doing somewhat the same thing I am. Once home, I put the rocks around a container of dried purple flowers. I’m not exactly sure why, I just felt like I needed to. I walk past them and touch them, I hope she feels my presence.
Tuesday was really busy. It dawned with a lot of snow and some accidents. I was not one of them and drove very carefully to each errand. I was going to stop at the local TV place and ask them what the heck this thing is. It was on the porch after I got home from my beach visit on Monday. (Mum hadn’t heard the driver come to the house, which was also odd) I had texted the photos to a few persons and still no thought on what it is for.
Mum’s tv is working fine, she had her new receiver hooked up, but then this contraption arrived. I’ll figure it out eventually! What I did end up doing was visit the doctor. Again.
I know caregivers are needed to take care of themselves, but I honestly don’t know how this would have been discovered. I have been to the doctor a few times in the last months for other things. I now wonder if those things were a part of whatever this might be. OK, let me clarify the vague posting! While at the doctor, I was examined and it was discovered I have a yeast infection. I haven’t had one of those in ages. (I do wish the nasty pills to ‘cure’ those would taste better!!!!) In the course of the exam I mentioned one of the other doctors had suggested I should have a urine test. I wish it had been done at the prior appointment. The test showed there are protein things in my urine. Going online to find out what a lab result might be is not a good idea. About the only ‘good’ thing that might cause those is something I know is only plausible, pregnancy. So, they decided to take blood. They were going to wait til the end of April, but opted to do it this week. It hurt. I won’t find out those results til later. So annoyed. If I’m really sick, the irony will be laughable. Mum, who is lingering quite healthily in a stage 4 pancreatic cancer lifestyle, has fairly good body parts that are all in order. The daughter, who was well, might not be. Eye rolling!
I continued on thru the day with more of mom’s errands, some moderate elfing and much needed friend support, then picked up pizza for dinner. After which, I made what might be the final snowperson of the season. She’s entirely organic. OK, except her nose. That is a pipe from a pink wind chime. I didn’t name her. (I’d write about a response from The Craftsman after I sent this, but it doesn’t matter.)
I often wonder if mum really is as well as she appears on paper. She is taking the meds in the pain pump as well as still taking the script for pain and nausea and sleeping at the drop of a hat. I changed one of her fittings at 515 AM Wed morning, she has done the rest. Unfortunately, she also has not kept track. I luckily found 5 more we didn’t know existed, but I probably should pick up extras on Thursday. The spares have already been used. We had this conversation on Wednesday night. MOM: ‘oooow. Owie, ooooow.’ Me: ‘Are you hurting more?’ MOM: ‘Not bad. About a 3.’ Me: ‘If you are at a 3, you should only need the meds in your pump. That is pretty good!’ MOM: ‘I think it’s about a 4.’ I then hear the pump notification chime go off after the drugs are administered and mum mumbling. She is going to take a single pain pill and hope it works. I went up later and found she’d taken two.
Comparison is supposed to not happen, it does. I look at my relationship with mum and think about how awful I am as a daughter. I compare myself and feel lacking. I don’t want to take her on outings, I hate the repercussions when we return (lots of pain). I don’t want to leave her alone, she is irresponsible about what she does (today she went outside for quite a while. It was warm, but she had said she was going to just walk around a bit. She’d taken a couple of pain pills, in addition to the pump meds. NOT safe). I don’t want to be responsible anymore. I want to be taken care of, I guess I am not as independent as I thought!
I feel like Professor Okun from Independence Day. ‘Release me.’ Looking at the sunshine on the water makes me want to follow the path into the mountains. Wonder what we’d find inside???