Sick or just annoyed?

I’m lumping all into one, but at this moment in time, I’m appalled with the people called American. I’m a conservative social media user and am curbing my forays into FB. If I was a drinking sort, this would drive me further along the beverage cart. The people I know are burying heads in sand and not seeing the overall picture and the only thing to do is watch. As Strider said, the world is burning and we’ve got a front row seat. Grab the popcorn, it is a once in a lifetime show.

The other day on FB, I posted how I was thankful my tests came back negative. But I wonder if the 43 people who liked it realized it was for basic health tests and not the dreaded virus. (I finally deleted the post since I was tired of so many people being grateful with me.) One of my best friends since college is living in China and shares her story of quarantine. I have ‘friends’ here in my town who are already wearing out on their Day 4 of quarantine. (These guys have NOT A CLUE what a real quarantine is like.) Another very good friend here in town was angry because they had packed the car and were ready to leave for a beach vacation on Monday when they got notice the beaches were being closed. (they’d planned on this vacation since Christmas and were certain they would be the exception to the closures) I used to live in the town they were headed for and those folks were scared. (That town has two locations to shop and the only hospital for at least an hour in 3 directions.) BUT, people want what they want now.

I look at how virus testing is limited, how many older folks who might be vulnerable are confused about conflicting stories this ‘new’ disease, and how it is ok for us/them to lose  lives for the good of the nation. All people testing isn’t necessary, most  who get this survive. How 3% or even 4 isn’t that big of a deal. I’m not a math person, but I looked up a few numbers. The US, at the moment of the last census, has 327 million people living here. 4% of that number, according to Google, is 13,088,000. In WW2 405,000 Americans lost their lives. This is crazy to imagine that it is ‘ok’ to lose 4% of our nation. We celebrate our Vets all the time, yet now we are looking at throwing more than that away? When I read and share the WHO information, I’m considered uninformed. Staying in and washing hands will make this all go away.  I shared with Little Bear a skittles meme. If you were given a bowl of skittles and three would kill you, would you eat them? He said that didn’t work because these skittles are invisible and you don’t know you have eaten them or where you got them til days or weeks later!

I hear stories of people of all ages, especially younger ones, have been exposed and gotten sick and yet, were only tested because they asked for it. One young man was tested, but his girlfriend was told to just stay home and get well if she thought she had it. (she had similar symptoms to her BF, but it was decided she wasn’t sick enough for testing!!) A Fed Ex driver Little Bear talked to was sure he had it, but couldn’t take off that much time or he’d lose his job and is concerned he exposed hundreds of people (I sort of get this, sanitizing as you get in and out of a truck and juggle packages is probably not that easy!). He was told he didn’t need testing. Only really ill people get tested, the rest of us just ‘hunker down’ and wait for it to blow over. Because isolating will flatten the curve of the disease and we’ll get back to normal. My friend in China has been in quarantine for 46 days and they are doing all kinds of things to make sure this virus doesn’t get back in. Testing for anyone who gets off public transportation, fever checks at all times, and yes the US wouldn’t go for that because I can take my own temps when I want to. I can absolutely see where a stricter country would have benefits now, not that I’d want to live in one!

Our nation is so freaking scared of the president they won’t do a damn thing to stand up and admit he’s a megalomaniac ass. The few who have will probably get some sort of punishment. That is the beauty of this man. He plays and watches and when he finds the chips in his favor, he snatches. If the chips are off, he’ll wait and push the blame elsewhere. (It is China’s fault or Obama’s fault) Dumping cash into the economy when there isn’t much to back it is beyond ridiculous! We need to take care of the people and not the economy right now. (Economy has always run the world, it is not anything new, history shows this, but it is sad) I believe there is a video on youtube about substituting this president for any other president who served in a war situation and I can’t imagine what this person would have done in WW! Or 2. (Strider was telling me about it) But, I digress.

I cannot mention anything like this on FB or I’ll get called on my illogical or wrong interpretations. I had one of my better friends cut me off in a message conversation because he was telling me about his ammo he’ll use to defend himself. If he needs it. I said that was silly and he dropped me like a hot pan. Idiots. If anyone comes into this house to get something, well, if I’m the only one here, they are welcome to it. My faith may not be as strict as others, but I do know I have a life after this one elsewhere. I’m not going to be like some of the Christians I know who say ‘if I die, I die.’ I will do my damnedest to stay on this side of the rainbow bridge (why are pets the only ones who cross that???), but if it happens, I’m ok. I’d prefer to get the house up north sold and the stuff sorted, but that might all end up being moot anyway!

This is super long. I’m sorry. I should just save it to my journal, but I’m not. I can chat with Strider, but most of the rest of my family are on the fence about the virus and completely in favor of cash saving our economy. America, you have made me ill.

Adding a trio of turtles and flowers from the yard to brighten your day! (NOTE: my sister didn’t believe the turtles were mine. She thought I had taken the photo from somewhere else…because ‘those are so cute!’ Sheesh.)

 

Resilient

I am a firm friend of resilience. Reeds that bend and don’t break. Willow trees that bow and spring back. Daffodils and spring. This last weekend it snowed. It froze. Temps dropped to the low twenties F and bobbed back briefly. The US went crazy buying things in excess (like Black Friday, only meaner and without that loving end that Christmas has). My chest started to ache, along with my lower back, and today I have a headache. Yet, I’m reminded over and over at what a beautiful world we have.

Friday night it started to snow and I crouched in flakes to capture what I thought was the last of my crocus. I was certain the daffs would be ok, they are a tough, toxic plant. Except on Sunday, I found the daffodils along the house in back were encased in ice. Snow had fallen off the roof, had melted, solidified, and turned the vibrant line of yellow flowers into a scene from Frozen or a fairy tale. I was sad, but decided to clip as many as I could. I carefully snipped stems through coatings of ice and brought them inside. They sat melting in the sink and eventually, snapped out of their chilled look into gorgeous heralds of spring. Granted, a few are a bit tattered, but I have 4 vases full! Even the tree down the road looks festive in snow. Not sure if there will be any apricots (it is an apricot tree!), but it does look beautiful!

Monday was odd. I got a lot done and didn’t get much done til the end of it. (I know, it was odd!!) Thankfully, I folded clothes during a black and white Agatha Christie movie (Murder Most Foul). I learned a dear friend I made online several years ago died from heart surgery complications, I’m still stunned. (I’ll always remember him with daffodils. Bright, cheery, sturdy, ordinary, and friendly..although, Wayne wasn’t toxic…) Today is St. Patrick’s Day. Many people are whining worse than I did with mom because they can’t do what they want. Kids are having a fun vacation from school (til the start of April) and hanging out with grandparents. Others just cannot wait til this is over and things get back to normal. I’m moderately annoyed cuz I am almost out of baking powder, flour is one of those things not on the shelves (I thought I had more than I did), and hoping my family stays well. Because, hunkering down isn’t something most of the people in the US can do without losing jobs or paying bills.

The Iditarod is going well. Some villages have made alternate places for the mushers to rest with their dogs, one gal’s sled caught on fire (no, she wasn’t going too fast.), and the festivities after have been canceled. It appears to be one of the last sporting events happening right now and they aren’t transporting serum to Nome. (thankfully!) Sharing a fun link of some of the dogs running this year.

The Winery Woman shared a motto sent to her and I’m sharing it on. From Costa Women: “Distance today will allow us to embrace tomorrow.” In this, I was thinking of all my friends who are distant and how special you are. Especially, at helping me embrace tomorrow. I just love you guys and gals!!!!!! Virtual (and safe) hugs and kisses!

Gifts from the Past

It seems logical that today is the birthday surrounding another favorite author (the artist, not the author). I can get completely lost in the words of Carroll as Alice wandered through Wonderland. This musing is one of those things I thought was ‘Curiouser and curiouser.’

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One of the things I try to do each day is write down blessings in a notebook. Ages ago I read a book by Ann Voskamp called 1000 Gifts, it spurred me to write down three blessings or gifts a day. I used to post them on my blessings blog frequently and put them in the notebook daily. I left the notebook in Oregon when I went north to care for mom and it has been hard to get back into doing either one!  Anyway, one of the prompts for this week was ‘gifts from the past that help you trust the future’. I was stumped this year, so I went back to see if I’d written anything down for that date before.  I had.  Something I love was scribed. Bulbs. I have so many flowers given to me by others and when they bloom, they remind me of that person. Yet, how is that trust for the future? Perhaps it reminds me that life goes on after death? Gardens are HUGE for showing the cycle of life. There is every stage in a garden from sex to embryo to death and coming back to life again. Especially with a bulb. I have tiny Tete-a-Tetes blooming at the moment.

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Thinking further, I definitely have a problem with trust. (More than likely from deep seated bits of my childhood.) Most of the people I have trusted fade away, they are still trustworthy, but their mindset has moved from being close to me. That is part of that life cycle thing, yet it still presents a skewed outlook in my Kris world. I push people away, too. (I have a tendency to be rather naive, but that is totally different from trust!) I was trying to think of persons I trust at the time of this typing and there are several who hold parts of me, but I’m not sure if anyone has all of me completely. (Let me wax even more philosophical!) Does anyone know all of anyone??? I am reminded of that line in ‘Ground Hog Day’ where Phil says ‘Maybe the real God knows so much because He’s been around so long.” When you are around someone a lot, do they know you? I can honestly say The Craftsman doesn’t know all of me. Some of my readers know more of me than most and probably more than my family! (Blog babbling can be a bit much, I’m always humbled by people who read and respond to me!) However, this relates to trust in people. It isn’t where the prompt was going, I don’t think!

I reckon continuity is what I see Around the Korner of this mind wander. A noun to depend on.  Birds are migrating, plants are growing (albeit not when expected), my boys are level headed (for the most part!!), and when I mix certain ingredients together, I manage to get cookies. The different things may not be exactly like they are supposed to be, but they show seasons and growth and seasonings following a plan. And this Friday, when I looked out the window, I saw some of my purple crocus in bloom. Finally! (the catmint is showing and tiny violets are appearing in the yard..still too early to do any digging, the soil is incredibly chilly.)

So, what is something from the past that helps you to trust in the future? Do you have a crafted item that reminds you of this? A plant? Does your family? A pet? It has taken me more than two hours to come up with this post, I’m curious as to what others might hold as a promise for tomorrow or beyond.

 

The Ides of February?

Friday was a crazy day. I had prepared some cookie dough the night before and it was not exactly what I had hoped it would be. It was a Pinterest fail, even if I don’t do that site! Even Betty (of the house of Crocker) would have probably been surprised. I have wanted to make checkerboard cookies for years and decided to try them for this holiday. (I even toyed with using m&m candies for the tokens) Most of the recipes for these cookies are mathematical in nature and I don’t do geometry well. Some of the more simple ones don’t make many cookies, something I feel is silly. (If I make a cookie, especially one that is time consuming, it better be worth my while!) So, in the one recipe I felt the procedure might be doable, I opted for a cookie recipe in a worn out Betty Crocker cookbook instead of the one listed. (not a coffee fan) I think the dairy sour cream made the dough too sticky, but I sallied forth. (Insert eye rolling!) I’ll need to find that other recipe online…

I’d mixed the dough on Thursday night and stacked it and stuck it in the fridge. It looked like a rectangular snake wrapped in cellophane. On Friday morning, I started to bake them. But, I was interrupted by someone. (I realized ignoring a person isn’t nice, especially if you don’t have a good reason. So, I prattled on til he felt better knowing ‘all’ about me—he doesn’t! lol) Eventually, I got back to the baking task and opted to make heart cookies. Not checkered, but more variegated or camouflage or even marbled. They taste good, are soft, and will probably not be a recipe I’ll use again!

My glucose kept dropping during the day, nice, but not always useful. I had errands for the afternoon, including a therapy session. I carefully removed things I needed to do from my list til I finally just stayed put. (Part of that was cuz I had also fallen. Granted, I was sitting down, but I did fall and was in a small bit of soreness. I had been sitting at the computer for a few minutes. When I finished, I scooted away from the desk. I was on a rolling chair and when it rolled, I didn’t go with it and landed ‘PLUNK’ on the floor! Entirely ungraceful. I didn’t want to admit to the therapist how I’d fallen and why I didn’t use my cane while sitting. I’ll tell him next week.) I did visit with TnT by phone and went to see and talk my neighbor’s ear off (she’s going through cancer treatments, special gal). I also laughed later, cuz Little Bear was going to go shopping and he opted not to and I’d asked him to get me a couple things.

I made some terrible canned tomato soup for supper (store brands are often not exactly as good as name ones) with what Little Bear calls a shrimp boat. (the shrimp dish might be why he stayed home!) I cut a loaf of French bread in half lengthwise, slather it with garlic butter, lightly warm it in the oven, cover the bread with tiny shelled shrimps, cover those completely with layers of shredded cheeses, then pop it back in the oven til the cheese is melted and slightly browned. This paired with green salad and the soup was a good choice (a better brand or homemade soup would have been better!).

We finished the evening with watching ‘The Princess Bride’. I love that movie! (I may have mentioned that in here before!) I also read my Feb 14 book. Seriously, a favorite read.

Gifts? I gave the guys magazines and sweets (The Craftsman got packages of his favorite cookies, Chips Ahoy original, plus quite a few others over the course of the last weeks). I think he sort of feels badly. He gave me my favorite flowers on Thursday night and then I was given potted tulips on Friday with candy. He gave me MORE candy on Sunday (it was discounted and I was sort of frustrated, I had planned ahead several gifts and got him the same kind, but it is still hidden away). I reckon I’ll give him his Monday gift on Tuesday (our anniversary). He’s also working on projects in the basement. I’m hoping one of them is something I’ve wanted for the last couple of years. (it has been in the works for that long!) The other, I was told, is something for me for the kitchen. As mentioned before, it is my favorite room in the house. But, most of it wasn’t my idea at all and I just sit back and he does what he thinks is a good idea and I learn to like it because they usually are.

Anyway, that was Friday. Saturday was crazy, too. I am completely positive that CRAZY fits this year of 2020 perfectly. I keep shaking my head and laughing at things that happen. Because it makes no sense and little sense at the same time.

I do hope YOUR 14th wasn’t quite as convoluted!!!

Wisdom and laughter

My youngest has a pager for emergency situations like fires. In the last months, the local department was absorbed into several others, so now calls are for any number of things from EMT to brush fires to roll overs and house fires (he is trained for structure fires). His pager went on on Wednesday night. It was a long call that he boiled down into, ‘a five year old fell and her head is bleeding, but she seems to be fine.’ I asked, ‘why on earth did they call for help? They should keep an eye on her and use ice.’

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

His comment? “It’s probably their first kid.”

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Photo by Flickr on Pexels.com

The Kid

Tuesday was an interesting day. 26 years ago, my baby was born (he knows he’ll always be my baby, he’s resigned to it!) and he hates having himself being in the limelight. Last year there was a snow storm and we had a party anyway. It was great fun. Tuesday morning, I made chocolate moose mud muffins for him to take to work. (The treats stayed in his Bronco because he HATES people knowing anything about him!!) We’ll have pizza for dinner and I was baking a chocolate cake while I typed up most of this post! When he came home for lunch, I thought I’d warm up the fries he had leftover from Sunday in the air fryer. He had on the microwave, the washer and dryer were going, and just in the last seconds of the microwave and air fryer time, a breaker went off. (no storm here, just a cool electrical picture from WP free photos)

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Photo by Torsten Dettlaff on Pexels.com

The air fryer on the other side of the kitchen went off, as well as the microwave, the fridge, the washer (not the dryer), and the kitchen radio/CD player! The dryer is on the same side of the house as most of the appliances which stopped. It was odd. Now, fixing this is normally simple. Except in this house. We have lived here for at least 11 years, the electrical was all odd when we moved in and The Craftsman (who likes working with electrical things) went on a fixing spree. But, he did not label the breaker box. Little Bear had to carefully turn switches (none were off) til the off things popped back on. His place of work gives them an hour for lunch instead of 30 min with two 15 min breaks in the day. He often takes that time to nap or read, both of which were missed today because he gave me power again. He also said he’d go with me to buy pizza. His cakes had  ‘outies’ and fell, one of the two pizzas slipped to the bottom of the oven, turned into a calzone and was opened back up, and it was a ridiculous day. Except for two phone calls. One from my uncle in MN and a brief one from TnT. I also got a text from my Alaskan neighbor. She’s in Hawaii with her spouse to celebrate her birthday, she texted cuz someone put piles of snow in front of three different drives! Her son was going to move them. Crazy!!! (The Kid’s cake with nipples and decor of chocolate curls on top made with tater peeler shavings from a candy bar and inside the two layers is raspberry jelly with mini chocolate chips)

Saturday was interesting. I haven’t checked emails and after opening up one, haven’t again!!! The power bill for $730 was more than I wanted. (it has been really cold up north. Not sure at my house, but my sister 20 miles away had -23F) I was busy all that day with baking and cleaning. The Craftsman helped vacuum the downstairs before he left for things he wanted to do, so that was different and nice. I got many FB greetings and several cards were mailed my way along with texts. For a birthday, it was really nice. It is all in your attitude. I could have whined cuz my family didn’t ‘do’ anything to celebrate me. Yet, they did. The Craftsman gave me a bag of Christmas Kit Kats he’d saved to give me (I did say something about chocolate and he popped them in front of me!), Little Bear purchased me a lovely soft blanket I didn’t need but appreciated, my aunt from Minnesota called, and the three of us did spend part of the evening watching a movie together. On Sunday, we took Grandma and went out for our annual February Sunday birthday lunch (photos are my lunch and Little Bear’s) and I bought a pair of earrings.

 

(My sandwich-above next to my ice cream for breakfast- was grilled chicken, blue cheese spread, and bacon. The kid had two patties of burger, a layer of roast beef, and ham and bacon!!)

I have almost a dozen Valentine’s almost ready to mail, I’ll do those later this week. Today has been too convoluted to visit the post!

The eve of another journey around the sun

I’m feeling age today. I had a bunch of checks in mom’s name I was finally able to get into the bank (3 months later!) and was excited because I needed to use that cash to pay for stuff attached to the house. Then, I realised how silly I was. I need to see how to do mom’s taxes for these latest checks and wait til the IRS takes them all. (or something) Not to mention, I need to split it with my sister.

Last week at dinner The Craftsman asked if I was going to buy flowers or should he. I was absolutely confused cuz I had no idea what he was talking about. Then, it dawned on me and I laughed. I said I had flowers already and they were still in good shape, if he wanted  to get me flowers he could wait til the 4th when these would be worn out. He asked why he should buy me flowers on Little Bear’s birthday and I said, ‘Cuz I’m the mom!’ (He also forgot my birthday was on Saturday and not Friday, he needs FB. lol)

My book series can’t be finished cuz I don’t have the middle book, so I will put that on hold while I go back to a different series I finally got the next book for. Totally different books, but both series have blood, death, swords, and male characters with a good does of hubris! (The Saxon Tales are ones I’m reading now, The Witcher is the one I had to put on hold first!) My dinner isn’t thawed, so I am hoping it will be before it goes in the oven.

On the other hand, February first is National Eat Ice Cream for breakfast day, so that is a great way to start the new month! Plus, I purchased a few more Valentine cards to mail to dear ones around me. I’ve purchased books for Little Bear for his birthday, books on CD for The Craftsman (I always try to give notes and gifts from the first til the 18th to him because of our anniversary. He says he isn’t any good at those kinds of things, but he enjoys being remembered.), and I even bought myself a book by Phil Collins. I had to, I rarely impulse buy, but this phrase sold me. “But, when I do go, I’d prefer my epitaph not to be ‘He came, he wrote ‘Sussudio’, he left.‘ (Phil Collins, Not Dead Yet) The Craftsman purchased a movie ‘The Hangover‘, which is a hilarious black and white, so maybe we can watch that on Saturday evening (or Dean Martin’s very funny, ‘Who Was that Lady?’).

I’ll spend most of this Friday evening making stuff for Sunday afternoon’s game hours and an angel food cake. Or maybe I’ll cook tomorrow, I do need to warm up the stove to make dinner.  I’ll just embrace whatever happens! (I share this often, it is one of my VERY favorite songs: enjoy thanks to YouTube!)

 

The end of the beginning

It is the end of January. The month opened with the promise of a blank 365 days to fill and learn and grow in. We’ve already enjoyed almost 31 days of this new year and not a lot looks much different from previous ones!

Little Bear has determined he wants an ordinary birthday cake this year (two layer chocolate-which made me laugh, I very rarely make a two layer cake!) because many other years had cakes that were labor intensive. (he was right!) He also said a nice gift would be no party (last year we had quite a few visit, in spite of the new snow that fell that day). He has also thought a bit about joining a shooting and fishing club near here, he has actually investigated it online and so his thinking is a bit more proactive than usual! (If he can manage to part with $100 for fees to be around other people, I’m of the mind this is a good idea)

My therapy is going ok. I may not do the twice a week since each visit is $40 and I can take what he’s teaching me out of the germ infested facility (it is a very busy spot with people of every age and health) into my own house. My recent visit was definitely interesting. First, I had to find it. Last time I got turned around inside the center. This time, I got turned around trying to get into the parking lot! To be fair, the sign is visible driving up the hill, unfortunately, I was looking for it from the other direction!

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Once inside, I shared more information on my sore arm and leg and the therapist started working on me. He gently pulled my right arm and pressed on the shoulder. He called it shaking loose the rust inside. It felt amazing! In fact, it didn’t hurt as much as usual for almost 40 minutes. I was rather impressed. After the appointment, I thought I’d check my glucose before driving off in the dark (lately, driving in the dark is more difficult for me than it has been previously. It seems to get worse every year. A good reason to NOT live in the land of my soul!!). I was fortunate I checked. It was very low. Thankfully, I had stopped at the store before going to my appointment, where I had purchased those cute little fruits about the size of my breasts (probably not, but they must be close!). The oranges are super easy to peel, another good thing when a glucose is low and one is less than coordinated! (the blog highlighted is an old one of mine-I ditched weebly for WP)

I have an appointment for Friday, but don’t think I’ll make it to that one. I was going to do both therapy visits this week, but while I was low my cell rang. It was the bank. Looking back, I realise I was confused not just cuz my glucose was low. I had just visited the bank. I wanted to set up an appointment for next week. I had told the lady with the sticky note and pen who wrote notes that I was unavailable the rest of that day, but Wednesday would be a good day to call and I gave her times. I gave them the landline number and blithely went off, confident I’d get it sorted the next day. The baker and I ended up getting the appointment for Friday, three and a half hours before my PT appointment. Color me unimpressed! I wish I could visit the Alaska bank.

The worst thing that happened this week could have been a lot worse than it was. As Little Bear and Strider said, ‘Dad gave himself a new project.’ I was talking to Strider on the phone, The Craftsman was in the bathroom getting ready to shower. I heard the water start, a crashing sound, then silence. After a short bit, I told the eldest and he said to check. We both heard an aggravated, clipped response of, “I’m Fine.” Well, after being around mum for so long, fine is not a word I appreciate. Thankfully, he really was ok, but somehow his wet foot on the edge of the tub slipped off and struck the inside of the tub. He’s darn lucky he didn’t hamstring himself or slice something important. Bathrooms are a very dangerous location in a house. Always keep a towel with you—especially if you need covered up! (carrying a towel is from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy) I’m incredibly thankful we didn’t have to rescue that 6’2” guy from the floor (so is his youngest!).  (you can see the crack running up and down alongside the yardstick I added for perspective)

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Writing of bathrooms and needing to fix them reminds me of some pictures I was sent. My good friend, TnT, just finished tiling a shower area. I wish he was here, isn’t this lovely?

My heart breaks

Little Bear is often alone. He has some friends, but no one he has ever hung out with. He spends his time by himself or with his dad or his brother (when possible). He’s not a loner in a negative way, he is just alone. He always has been and it makes me sad. Soon, he’ll be 26 years old. He’s got a full time job, a lot of money in the bank, is frugal, reads, watches movies and whatever might be on youtube that tickles his fancy from cat videos to the evolution of traps and locking mechanisms. Our desktop computer has two profiles and on his there are many interesting things. I rarely look beyond photos, (he puts what he terms his best ones in a public folder) yet this was in a document called walls and it caught my eye and I opened it. I have no idea who wrote it, Little Bear could have (or Strider..). He’s a very good writer, but I don’t think he did. It fits him (and his older brother) exactly and this is why it breaks my mom heart. What did I do wrong? Is this fixable? I miss those little boys, am proud of my grown ones, yet how can they remove walls?

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December 09

There once was a child born into the plains of life. He was happy and innocent. One day he looked up and saw a foundation around him, one brick high. He could see others around him outside the bricks. He could talk to them, but never let anyone in. Though some were closer than others, eventually they all left. For the wall had grown taller with the years. The boy started to become concerned because it grew harder and harder to see anyone on the other side. Eventually he would have to climb it just to see anyone at all, but always retreated back inside for he relished the safety of his enclosure. He came to realize as the years past what a problem this wall could be. The world told of all the great things one can do with the help of others (relationships). But the wall had grown too high; he climbed it daily and saw people go by. But no one stopped, for the wall was too formidable.

            For years this became the routine, he began to lose sight of what the world was like outside. He found that he wanted to be with those outside his wall, but he did not know how to get past it. Still more years past and this boy grew to a man, and he ignored the wall’s inconvenience. He still climbed it daily, and wanted what was beyond it; his hope of ever crossing it dwindled. No one on the outside could see in to see if it was worth it to break through. Few stopped to take a second glance.

            So now we are here. This man despairs because this wall is now his prison. He cries because he is lonely, but he laid the bricks himself. How could God have created a creature capable of love, but helpless to let himself find it? This wall has now become a fortress the sight of which strikes fear into all those who might glimpse its prisoner and wonder of his condition. What tools can tear down such a structure I do not know, for I did not know how it started, or under what circumstance it could end. Demons torment me that I have come to this place, and lick at the wounds that it leaves. Any dream of love is almost unbearable now, that anyone would desire the beast that now resides in this gulag. Most days I am numb to my situation, but some stab deep into despair. If I look to the future I see only this place. The desire to find another is still strong, but is countered by the shame that they must come here to find me. Even if there was someone who was capable of loving me, they would deserve someone without my faults which shackle this self –sentenced being. Someone that wonderful should not be wasted on me. Finding love is my most central desire and most over-reaching fear.

 

Once again-

I’ve started this post a couple of times. Perhaps this one will actually get posted!! The first one managed to get sidelined by glitches in the WP program. (OK< to be fair, it was probably the outdated computer I was using!). I added a photo and lost where I was in the post and then the whole thing vanished once I’d fixed the italics that somehow didn’t transpose from the copy and paste. After several frustrated moments that stretched into many, I logged off! Then, I decided to write and I got sidelined and thought I had but I hadn’t! (It has been one of those weeks!)

I went to a physical therapy place today, I was very thankful I’d left early. I forgot the road was being worked on, had to detour, got back to the one I thought I should be on too early, ended up in the wrong lane, followed the parking lot directions to the location and found myself on the far side of the building! Inside, I handed over the debit card to make the payment and learned their machines were down (a new one should be in by next week). I was asked if I had an alternative (I’ve not carried checks since shopping with mom, I’ve not used them since paying most of her bills off. The Oregon account I’ve not seen the checkbook in at least a year!).  Thankfully, she said they’d just bill the address and let it go. I imagine they’ve had to do that a lot lately!!

photo of person handing card

Photo by energepic.com on Pexels.com

The doctor who looked me over didn’t realise there were two offices referring me to PT. He also didn’t know I had MS. (I didn’t fill out a health form, not sure why. I’ve not been in a place for PT in over 10 years, so I don’t know the protocol for such spots.) Anyway, he suggested walking for my sore back (although, when he saw me walk, he wasn’t impressed with my agility!) and shoulder stretches for the painful arm/shoulder (I have a pulley, it just hasn’t been put up anywhere. I’m too short to mount it on the ceiling and The Craftsman needs reminded about jobs I want done..which I won’t do more than twice!). He also said to use heat to relax the muscles. I was thankful this doctor didn’t suggest cold. I am a lover of winter and snow, not one of chilled skin! I visit them twice next week and hope I’ll be moving well enough by then to not visit any longer.

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Cooked Canadian moose in the crock pot (it wasn’t bad!) for dinner, ordered an audio book for Strider for Valentine’s Day (an absurd one called ‘What If?’,  narrated by Wil Wheaton), and tried to be quiet cuz The Craftsman has a horrid headache. I did notice dozens more little spears of green thrusting through the grasses this morning and it was warm enough to wear capris and a t-shirt (I did take a long rain coat to my appointment, but didn’t need it). Our temps were in the mid-fifties of Fahrenheit. (I just asked Little Bear why the words Fahrenheit and Celsius are capitalized.  He hemmed and hawed about them being last names originally—he could sell a bridge in a desert—and then finally decided it was a science thing!) We did get more rain to wash away more of the moderate snow left over from a while ago, it is supposed to keep raining.

close up photo of jew drop

Photo by Bedis ElAcheche on Pexels.com

I’ve been thinking about something that might be controversial. I am not sure, but I’ll share it anyway! I wonder if the climate/warming change is because of prayer. People pray for it to stop raining or to start raining or to get warmer and those prayers are all over the globe. Very few people pray for snow and long cold winters and storms or winds. So, when God answers, He’s got prayers all over and around the same time, while the real weather is supposed to be happening and perhaps they get mixed up in delivery. (Personally, I miss long, frosty, snowy winters, but not the icy roads!) As Alice said, ‘Curiouser and Curiouser.’