Trains and Snipes

The last two weeks have been an out of control train and I’m not allowed to do anything but watch the driver. She’s going to kill herself. I hope I can jump off before she derails.

EPSON scanner image

This last week she has not wanted to do much of anything. Recall we got the results from her radiologist saying she was ‘good to do all manner of things, including a trip outside (to the states…the rest of the states in the lower 48 of the United States).’ From my point of view, she’s not really able to do much at all. She didn’t want her good friend to visit last Friday or Saturday. She didn’t go to church on Sunday. She stumbles often, but doesn’t fall (or at least, she hasn’t told me if she has). One day, I did find her on the floor. She said she was playing with her dog. (Plausible and probable as Obi was right next to her, but she has tripped over him before.) I heard crashing noises one night and jumped from my bed, to see what was the matter. (sheesh, I sound like I need to run to the window and throw up the sash!). Anyway, I heard her in the kitchen and she said she was trying to get a beverage bottle from the cupboard and the bottles fell out. She didn’t have anything to say as to why I heard a thud from the living room area of my ceiling. She has done a touch of weeding (I’m afraid she’ll fall into her big rosebush, but she wants to do it and it is outside and good for her) and sleeps and sleeps in a moment’s notice. (She says it is her age and that she stayed up to watch the latest Royal Wedding, which should not have continued to make her sleepy into this week…maybe) Today, we went to her pain doctor again. The doctor upped the doses. I think the one she has all the time was increased 20% and what she gets in a bolus boost was increased by another 10%, Mum was pretty out of it at the office. Even though she pretended, I think her doctor noticed mom falling asleep while waiting for the doctor to calibrate the machine. (Mom is really hurting a great deal. I wish I could make it go away.) When we were done, it was after noon (I really need to carry food with me) and mom didn’t want lunch yet. She wanted to get her new glasses first, so we did. I had assumed (silly me) we would eat in the store when we got to the place, but nope. Mom wanted her lunch in the car. So, I didn’t get anything til we got home after 130. (at dinner I mentioned I wasn’t that hungry cuz I had eaten a late lunch. Mom reminded me she ate late, too, because she didn’t eat all her lunch in the car. She had part of her sandwich in the house and didn’t finish her shake..where I ate too much and got sick from all the fats. Yuck) She’s not eating as much as she used to. Not really. She has most of her meals, but not all of them.  (I took this photo of her on the 21st)


The part that makes me the most nervous is mom’s 8 pm alarm went off and I usually wait to see if she does it before reminding her. I heard her about 830 in the kitchen, so figured she was ‘ok’. About 915 I heard her say she and Obi were going on a walk about. I dashed to the stairs (it had rained and it was chilly and even if it was daylight, I wanted to make sure of what she was doing) and found out she was going to get her paper. I reminded her the paper hadn’t arrived today and I had looked 3 different times and we’d see if one would arrive in the morning. Well, it turns out she didn’t realise it was still night time. She thought it was morning. I understand this can happen in Alaska with long daylight hours, but it was still scary. She took her morning Lantus shot of 16 instead of the evening one of 4 units. She took several units of Humalog to cover her blood sugar and then ate breakfast. (we had eaten dinner at 6pm) So, her body had her dose of Humalog from her dinner she had eaten at 6 and then more for her ‘breakfast’ a couple of hours later. Thankfully she didn’t take the meds in her daily pills box. Which, I notice has only pills in it for Wednesday. Which she should have taken at the time of her real Wednesday breakfast. I wish she’d let me monitor things. She says I don’t need to do that, I’ve done it enough and she’s quite able to do things herself. (she needs to change a fitting and is sitting watching tv and reading like everything is perfectly perfect)

As for me, I finally got myself some CBD oil. I researched it and realized it would be a whole lot less stressful for my body to take than some of the prescribed meds. Like the one for neuropathy that reads (and I know, side effects cover anything that may have ever happened to people taking the drug) it may cause irritability (was told not to take it if that happened…I’m already irritable!!!) or depression (ummmm, I don’t want to do that again!) or tummy aches and headaches (like I want to add to the ones I keep getting) or blurred vision (hello? I need new glasses and when my glucose goes wonky, but vision blurs anyway!). So, I picked a tiny bottle of drops up and have started with a smidge and we’ll go from there.

I’m pretty sure I won’t get any sleep tonight, though, or get a less tension filled evening. Because I was told to keep an eye on mom by the health nurse I called after hours. I was also told to bring her insulin to my room, so she couldn’t take it. (closing the door after the horse is gone, I reckon) I didn’t do that, but I did go up and have her check her blood. Which she did quite calmly. The really cool CGM called the Freestyle Libre is not available yet. It appears the pharmacist didn’t hear back from the doctor or the doctor didn’t hear from the pharmacists. Thankfully, they remembered me at the pharmacy and resent it to the office. I wish we had it, I would find it much easier to press a remote over her arm to check her blood than have her do it on her own. (I JUST went up to see if she needed help with getting a bottle of ensure open for her lowering blood sugar and she got mad at me and said ‘I suppose you should, because I’m a baby now.’ She then opted to finish her shake from lunch.)

beautiful blooming blossom blur

Photo by Leigh Patrick on

In Oregon, the sod in the yard wasn’t put back like I thought and are now pillars of dried out grass and dirt. I suggested planting wildflowers in the (at least 24 foot long) bit of bare dirt in the yard, but it wasn’t met with much enthusiasm. I’d push for it if I was there! Imagine, a long 3 foot wide strip of wild flowers blooming in straight line down the almost middle of a verdant green lawn. It brings smiles to the soul. I do think they are rather fortunate I’m a million miles away and can’t go and buy seeds for the empty space. Strider is finding more interesting house things with being a home owner. It appears his water systems are all messed up (hoping this stops with the kid on the East Coast. I cringe when I hear the words ‘septic system’). On the great side, he got some of the sunstones he mined cut and they are beautiful!!!! (I keep reminding him his mom would love one of his ‘costume’ stones, but I guess I will need to wait. The expensive cut gems are more than I want, but I’d love one of the ones he is polishing and putting into his own jewelry. The cut stones he’ll sell after getting them appraised.) Up north I’m reading old favorites and seeing and talking and texting people from near and far. I continue to be incredibly tired and am thinking about more things than I make time to blog. I am not even too interested in getting out the kayak. The work of hauling it down to the lake and getting in and out of it are a tad daunting at the moment. Thankfully, it’s been cold and windy! The absolute most awesome thing was identifying a bird I’ve been wondering about since 2014. It is often heard when it is dark and I don’t have the technology to identify a bird by a call. I finally spotted it today. It was a dark fast moving speck high in the sky. I was able to get the binoculars on it and mark the shape. From there, I used mom’s silhouette bird book and on my ipad started looking up birds of that dimension and their sounds. Eventually, I stumbled upon the correct avian. It was a snipe. I’d been hunting for it for years and had no idea! (please click on the link. LOTS of awesome information!)


I am more-

Today I had the opportunity to hang out with an old friend while his jeep was being worked on. This morning, I opted to forgo that chance to visit because I felt mom might need someone at the house. (she didn’t most of the day) Because I was staying around, I also decided to continue taking photos of what is happening on our road.

I have other blogs and one of them is for my family and friends who are unaware of what I write Around the Korner. (I am fairly certain most of them would have more than kittens. Kittens are fairly easy to share with others. What these friends and family would bestow on the world would be worse.) At any rate, in the strictly G news blog, I’ve been sharing some interesting construction being done. A new pipeline is going in near the house and it is fascinating to watch. I have met a few of the workers, some are able to answer questions, and some even let me know when things might be happening so I can take photos. The work is being done for 8 miles, not much of it is around our driveway. Today, there was lots being done (it will also go into Monday), so I was glad I stayed home.

I popped in and out of the house from about noon to 530 pm and took almost 50 pictures. Mom made a comment she’d like to go down and take photos for my uncle. It was raining most of the day (I was glad when it stopped. It was one of those gentle rains that don’t get you wet all at once! Thank goodness for dryers.). I mentioned he could look at the blog and she said she’d like to put the photos in a calendar. (she hasn’t made anyone a calendar since 2015. She’s planned to make them, has bought the blanks to do so, and there they sit in the basement.)

The last time I came in, mom made me so mad. She asked if I knew everyone yet. I told her no, I only knew a few of the workers because they keep an eye on the ‘civilian lady who wanders past with a camera’. Then, she asked if I had sat in any of the trucks or machines. WTF!!!! I looked at her and emphatically said, NO. And then, I asked why would I do such a thing. That these guys are busy and sitting in one of their vehicles is probably illegal. (I’m still annoyed!) She brushed off my words and I decided to tell her about how neat it was to watch the pipe being laid in its final resting place. (thinking it over, I think mom was jealous I was outside talking to people and she wasn’t. I’m so glad I didn’t go with my friend. Mom would have made me feel really guilty about doing that.)


June sunrise


So, you can see I had one of those see saw sort of afternoons. Popping into WordPress, the sun came out in a glory of color and light. A kindred spirit and soul friend, Rhapsody, had this great idea a while back. She thought to celebrate someone each Friday. She chose me to start off her project. ME!


Rhapsody is also in a place similar to mine. She is a joy filled woman, ready to praise and encourage at a moment’s notice. I’m always humbled and taught by her words when she is able to share them (her internet is about as frustrating as mine!). More than often her posts speak to me in my darkness or frustration and I star them in my emails as they come through. She, too, has left where she lived to go back to where she grew up to care for her mom. We are both nature people. We both enjoy rocks. There are so many similarities between us, it is almost eerie. I’m not entirely sure how our paths crossed, or where they reconnected in this time after knowing each other in a different lifeline. It doesn’t really matter. I am blessed by my connection with this amazing woman and honored she feels the same about me.

I mentioned how I’d created a type of ‘shrine’ for her one day. Every now and then, I add to it. I put bits with it I think it needs. There is now a blaze of red dried foliage in with the purple dried flowers. Around the base of the container are the rocks with dried rose petals. (they were white petals, they dried to an old ivory) It is lovely to know my thoughts for her are zipping out of my basement and across the ocean to her world. I also think of others when I look at the place I created for Rhapsody. Taking care of parents is something I’ve learned doesn’t just happen to a few of us. Many of us are in this position and we all need each other to uplift and remind. Remind us we are not alone. Remind us we are being the best person we can be. Remind us that no matter what sort of dance we are a part of, the song will always go on in some form or another, whether we are moving or not.

Thank you so much, Rhapsody, for being an allegro measure in my life and helping me to become more.


Imaginary World

I must be living in a world of pure imagination. (I didn’t coin that phrase, it is from one of my favorite musical movies ‘Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory’) I’m not surrounded by chocolate, but the illusions of my mind and mom’s. Let me splain.

Monday mum had appointments. At the first one mum was prescribed this most awesome invention I’ve only paid a smidge of attention to. It is called a Freestyle Libre (Little Bear said that was absolutely redundant and was disgusted with the lack of imagination…see, there it is again!) and is a Continuous Glucose Monitor (CGM) beyond any I’ve used or seen before. The patient wears a small patch on their arm. This patch can get wet and can be worn for 10 days and is covered by Medicare! What does it do? It allows for unlimited glucose testing which happens when you pass the remote over the patch. (I so want one of these!!!!! But, The Craftsman has picked up while I was gone, many boxes of strips for my own meter. So, I’ll wait til those are gone before asking a physician to prescribe this for me.) The bad part is the technology. You download the information to your PC and print out the results of I can’t recall how many at a time. Mum’s not turned on her laptop for months. She’s just not got the energy. Of course mom said she’d do it, but guess who will get to??? (insert eye roll) We wandered around a bit til her next appointment and had lunch at DQ. She wore her new teeth and had trouble eating (I am hoping she’ll get used to the teeth, I reckon it will take a while.). She gave her dog the remainder of her hamburger when we got home. Anyway, we got to the radiologist and he ordered a cat scan for Wednesday. Mom was her normal optimistic cheerful self til we got in the car to go home. Then, she needed pain and nausea meds and wasn’t feeling very good.

Tuesday, I had an appointment. Which showed I am over in my thyroid, so not to take the half pill with my usual dose on Sunday (I take one every day and then one and a half on Sunday). I’m over in B12, but not a problem. And otherwise, I just need rest. My weepy red eyes have no infection, they just look terrible. The excessive discharge I often have I was told is normal, but the gal I saw suggested a fix. She said to use diluted white vinegar and wipe it around the vulva with my finger when I wash. (she also said it would feel good. I’m game!) Someone else later suggested I try CBD to help relieve tension. I know the oil works on SSC’s cat, so I’m seriously thinking it might be a good idea! I did tons of mom errands and got her new CGM ordered (Medicare may pay for it, but they are very picky as to how the prescription looks!) and found out her house is paid off and visited with a lawyer about said house and land as property with the will and got her a new paper box to put on the other side of the road (maybe the newspaper will end up in it!) and still had time left in my day. I drove around looking for someone who didn’t have many customers to see if I could get a haircut. I finally found one. I felt terribly guilty about doing it. I should have been doing something else for anyone else. I was also nervous. I, for the very first time in my entire life, had color applied to my thinning strands. A tinge of purple. When finished, I realized why I continued to use the shabby chic home method of styling. A new tat would have been around the same price and last longer! But, it was done. No one who has seen me has noticed. Not even mom. I have! I had 9 inches removed. I probably should not have washed it for a few days (I waited over 24 hours). I think it is more reddish now. Sad Kris….

Wednesday arrived. I woke mom at four am as usual and she told me she needed more bags when we went to her appointments. Not fittings. She woke and slept and I had told her I wanted to leave at 930 in the morning and we were late cuz she had fallen to sleep again and she was cranky. Til we got to the office, where she was cheerful and feeling incredibly well and pissed at me cuz I mentioned how awesome it was she felt good now we were out and about. (she hates when someone notices she might have a weakness) We got her pain pump meds bumped up again. The doctor is pretty sure the pain pump will eventually be able to control most of the pain. Then Dr. K looked at her right hand. She’d had carpal tunnel surgery on it ages ago and it looks like she’ll need it again. We go back next Wednesday to see for sure. The time between the two appointments was lengthy. Mum bought dog food and some tea because she said it made her feel better (the packet has 20 bags in it, the packet I bought a while ago still has 15. But, she said she needs to drink it cuz my uncle says he does), the pouches for her waste, and then we went go get plants, even if it was raining (Doesn’t she look a bit like Yoda???).

The scan went fast, which is normal, and the results were there quickly. The doctor sat with us in his waiting room. He said mom’s 4 tumors are only marginally larger and she doesn’t need to come back for 2, 3, or 4 months. They are growing slowly and she should be able to travel or do whatever she wants. He saw no problem with her being left alone if I wanted to leave her. (note: he doesn’t live with her, but that is where my delusions step in. I must be imagining all the things I see in her. Maybe) When I talked to mom about going to Homer or her sister’s in MN, she said later. She’s in a great deal of pain still. But, she’s glad she has time to get things done, she’s got too much to do. (whatever!)

I talked to one of her friends about mom’s appointments and was told mom reminds her of a balloon losing air. Each time she talks to mom, mum sounds weaker and less coherent. Other friends are hoping I can leave anyway. She’s a roller coaster. I really hate going fast, high places make me nervous, and I’m an absolute chicken when it comes to almost everything. Shadow Girls need to remain in the shadows to be most effective.

So, as my dance continues, I’ve gotten to another hold in the score and motion is paused. Next Thursday we find out if her dominant hand will have surgery. Which means I will need to stay til she can function comfortably again…or maybe they’d put her in a rehab place.(Probably not, the therapists usually come to her.) Not being able to use her right hand will mean she can’t give shots or change her fittings properly. If they can’t do anything for her painful useless fingers, I’m not sure what will happen. I’m just waiting til the orchestra starts the music again. I often suggest I’ll leave her alone for 24 hours and this time I am really seriously serious about it. (I’ll need to clean up the basement til it looks like I don’t live down here. She gets a bit annoyed when she comes downstairs and can’t find her things. And she’ll HATE I have to take her car to leave. And she’ll want to know where I am and what I’m doing. I detest being a 17 year old who is in her early 50’s…and who wants to visit a chocolate factory and play in a candy garden.)

Mother’s Day Cat Nips

I count it as a certainty that in paradise, everyone naps.’ Tom Hodgkinson


On Sunday we were told 85% of the gifts mom’s get on mom’s day are things she doesn’t want. What she wants is a love and hugs, a day off and rest. I absolutely get this. I find it amusing that when and if I get back to my family, I’ll spend the entire week cleaning and baking and watching movies each night (I am thinking I’ll finally get to watch all the new Marvel movies and the Star Wars ones!). I will be experiencing a different sort of rest. (I’ll probably go to the dentist and the eye doctor, too)

The photo above is probably one of my very favorite cat pictures. It always makes me laugh. Maxwell T. Silverstone is at the pinnacle of absolute rest on top of the lawnmower bag in the sunshine. Little Bear took this photo. I had reminded him he was supposed to mow the lawn and he came back in the house and said it wasn’t possible. I gave him that ‘mom look’ and then he showed me the picture he’d taken. I had to agree. No one should ever disturb someone that relaxed! (he did get to it later in the day, when the sun moved and so did the cat)

Bless us all as we rest!

On Sunday

All over, these last few weeks, there have been signs promoting Mother’s Day reservations. Between you and me, I’ve had a lot of reservations about Mother’s Day. I wasn’t wrong. (the message in a pansy flower is to be of good cheer, have a clear mind, and a calm spirit. Perfect for this tumultuous day!)


First, mum had a catastrophe before midnight. She spilled an ensure drink because she would not ask me to help her open it. That stuff is the most nasty sticky goo in the world. (Ok, one of them!) Her pain pump remote was in the middle of a puddle of vanilla stuff. I opted to help assist her anyway, but when it came time to open another drink, she did it herself. (Because she’s quite able to do things by herself.) After she wiped everything down with a wet paper towel and left, I went over it again with a cleaning wipe to cut the sugar residue. It was disgusting. I cannot imagine drinking that stuff! I mentioned she was one stubborn woman and she replied her girls were that way, too. (I beg to differ. If I was as stubborn as she was, she’d be in a care facility! I just have an over developed sense of duty!)

I stayed up late to shower, so was awake when it was 4 am for mom to get up. I waited til 415. I went in the room, she thought she’d already gotten up and I know she hadn’t. I let out Obi and then went back to her room where she was not up yet. I turned on the light, thinking she might not be ok. (she was) She staggered around the house, didn’t want to use her cane (she hasn’t used it much lately, it isn’t necessary. Although, I did notice she stumbled in the yard the other day and caught herself on the giant bird feeder contraption). I had to lead her to her chair and give her meds and help her with the bottled beverage she was drinking. I was seriously concerned. I shouldn’t have been.

In the morning, mom woke at 730. Convinced she’d slept all night without medication (I forgot to write down the 415 am meds) and feeling great. She took a shower and got pissy with me because I had noted she’d not had anything since 4. (she forgot to write down anything for 8:00 and insisted she had) Anyway, she was ready for church and so was I. Except, well…..I had on this super cute wraparound skirt and top and decided I better go to the bathroom before we left. I started to adjust the skirt and realized a whole section had fallen down! (This was like most wraparound skirts, it fastened with a button and a tie.) It appeared the button had fallen off! (I was so thankful that happened at home and not exiting the car, which I had done already that morning, or at church!) So, I had to do a quick change. Which meant mom wanted to know if I was ready to leave, because it was getting late. (She had told me earlier she was going to church whether I wanted to go or not.) On the way in, she mentioned she had tried on an outfit that was still too big. (I was startled. She’s barely 114 pounds. She must have a lot of clothes stashed away.) She said it would keep til next spring. Church was ok. We never sit near each other and the pastor’s sermon seemed to talk to me. Literally. She was talking about how she had to stay with her mom for 18 months before mom died and was the sole caregiver. (She may have looked at me often because I am in a similar boat. She thinks I don’t let my sister help enough. She has no idea. So many people tell me I need to let Jake step up to the plate. She’d break the plate in the process.)

My sisters family were planning on visiting for about an hour or so this weekend. Jake was going to bring dessert. They were to arrive around one on Sunday. Since we went to church, they were going to be here at one thirty. They finally arrived around two. They brought a yummy dessert and didn’t’ stay long. GBee has a gig this evening (he’s a musician and has had gigs all weekend). But, while they were here, he brushed Mittens (who became a puddle on his lap) and my sister and I were guilted into moving something in the yard. Mom’s got this piece of furniture that is freaking awkward and heavy. It is a metal glider she always puts it in the same place not facing the lake. Mom asked if GBee would move it out for her. She then said she and Pippi (the granddaughter) moved it before and she’d do it herself if she needed to. (I was about ready to bite something!) She mentioned she’d have her friend do it if we didn’t want to. (she has turned down visits from this friend four different times in the last couple of weeks) Since GBee had the cat, Jake and I did the job. I am also supposed to get the hoses out and her other yard furniture. (I think it is a bit too cold yet for hoses, but she’ll probably do it anyway.) She has also told me she’ll get the kayak out for me.

Earlier, two other things happened. One was funny, the other was not. Jake had to use my bathroom (mum’s is pretty icky). She came upstairs and told me the can on the washcloth on the top of the toilet seat was not aerosol spray. I said it was, sort of. I like to use a pink gel like shaving cream when I shave, I remove it from the shower to dry off after I use it. Jake thought it was a flower scented spritz. Yup, you guessed it. Silly string over walls and counters. The bad thing was something mum thought would be nice. Years ago, she loaned GBee almost 4 grand to get their house. She gave them the IOU today because she was sure they’d never get around to paying her and to just think of it as part of their inheritance. Jake was stressed like licorice when you pull it just before it breaks, because there was no way they could pay it back. I told her to calm down and not to worry about it. But, talk about having the gift horse bite hard. Sheesh.

In other mom day sort of news. I tried to edit the picture I had taken to make mom look better. (She’s really pale, even when she’s not in the light. Her face is droopy from Bell’s Palsy which happened ages past.) Both boys called me and talked for ages. Strider is not going to make it to Oregon this year (he has discovered home owning has costs he’d not realized), the guys have a super busy line up for the rest of May, and I’m wondering if June might not be a better time to go back. (But, it will depend on Monday’s doctor visits. Although, she really is doing well today. Maybe the DNA results can find her something to cure her.) GBee changed a light bulb for me and the neighbors are sucking water from the lake for their greenhouse and yard. I might not need to move my tires and pallets because the water will end up elsewhere and leave them fairly dry! One of the best parts? I looked my skirt over and it appears it does have the button Just an odd experience!!

IMG_7562 (3)

To Let Go

I’ve been reading (from many a blog I follow) about letting go, opening up to peace, and other ideas to help calm the soul and spirit. One from Dirty Sci-Fi Buddha was the last one I read today.(Oddly, it was AFTER my experience of this afternoon, but we’ll go with it!) He put forth a couple of thoughts and I was impressed the last thought he shared was one I put into practice. To ‘adjust my approach in accordance with the evidence’. To ‘turn timeless wisdom into a current solution.’

So, what did I do Saturday afternoon? I decided to visit the inlet. That, in itself, wasn’t odd. I often visit the sea to throw rocks, to walk, to look for answers, to yell, and to cry. Today, I stood in the stormy surf. I parked on the beach, got out of mom’s rig, locked the doors, and strode purposefully into the waves. (I think I worried a few fishermen, but I did stop before I got too far!) I stood fairly still for almost 20 minutes and let the water wash over my boots, felt the rocks being pulled from under my feet, listened to the surf as it crashed around my ankles, and felt the spray when it splashed me. I didn’t close my eyes all the time I was out there, (I did keep an eye on the water!) but when I did I felt the power of the sea in my the beat of my heart.

It was cloudy and stormy today, you couldn’t see the mountains I knew were there. The sunshine sparkled intermittently through the clouds against the grey skin of the sea and on the foamy white crests as they formed. I really wanted to go further, but I knew that would be a very bad idea. The water is incredibly cold still (OK< it is cold almost all the time!) and I didn’t fancy being rescued by a halibut fisherman. After I went back to the car to get the camera, I sat on the wet stones and took off my boots. (A giant white standard poodle investigated me, but I patted his topknot and he wandered back to his people) I snuggled my socks into the rocks and did close my eyes a bit then. I was so thankful for the loss of tension.


What did I let go of? Things I thought I needed like companionship (I cling to people like mom does to things!), physical loving (if it happens, so be it, if not, it is the way it is), and losing weight (not eating from dinner to lunch doesn’t seem to help much!). I let go of mom (I even looked for plane tickets for the 28th this evening, but the site crashed on me when I found a great ticket. Probably cuz everyone else found it, too!). I let go of some of my pain (I didn’t specifically ask for certain places to be pain free, just that I’d not be as tired from it or concerned. I did take a nap later today, but that was probably a carb overload from the pizza I got for dinner and my right hand is starting to swell a bit from something I did to it last week. No worries.). I let go of The Craftsman (not a divorce. More of an acceptance that I am not going to change him nor is he going to change me. I need to change myself to fit his mold. I’m not sure I want to, but I’m not going to stress about it.) I let go of myself and I did not want to get back in the car and go back to mom’s house.

I’m thankful the lightness is still with me, even as I type. I am thankful for the aura from the people in my life who encourage and help me and give me the strength to keep on. I know where I am isn’t any different from where many others are. I understand several of us are in the same boat with the same sorts of parents (may they not sink the ship with their collections….). I’m glad we’ve run into each other and can illuminate our paths. We are lifelines and sanctuaries, here to share and shine.


A thankful heart

Yup, sometimes you just have to laugh and be thankful and don’t make plans. Wednesday was going to be busy for mom. I knew this. It was also incredibly fascinating in spots.

We visited with the pain doctor so her pain pump could be refilled. (There are several videos of this procedure on YouTube.) I had let mom watch one of those videos and she sort of paid attention. She was pretty out of it. (Although, she said she was fine) We arrived at the office and it was a bit frustrating because the patient was the most important person who had information for the doctor. (I sat gritting my teeth after it was suggested to me and kept quiet.) Later, however, the doctor was super helpful in explaining what she was doing, even letting me watch her closely. I did walk over to mom and try to hold her hand, she shook me off, so it was nice to watch the doctor. They stuck a sheet with a hole in it over mom, looked for the pump, and then placed a template over where it was supposed to be. The template had a spot where the center was. That place was marked with a pen. The pump was deeper than usual and at an odd angle (due to mom’s body, the pump is on her hip in back.), the doctor was looking for a ‘hole’ in the disc where the needle was to be inserted. Once inside, she needed to find a ‘lever’ and then she would be able to go thru with the rest of the procedure quickly. The old medicine had to be removed before the new dose could be put in. (I’m still not sure why, it had something to do with shelf life, I think) At the end of the tube on the syringe, a blue flat disc was attached. This was a filter to keep things sterile. The whole experience was absolutely fascinating. I was completely impressed. The doctor counted out mom’s pills, gave me script for her sleep med and we made an appointment to go back next week. She upped the dosage of both basal and bolus another 10% and now mom can dose herself every two hours. Much better. But, she needs to go back in mid-June or earlier for a refill.


We had lunch out. I was a bit annoyed. Mom forgot to wear her new teeth. (She often forgets to put them in if she is eating. Stupid.) Anyway, we got good sized meals and I finally remembered to take a good photo of the placemats on the tables. (we both had breakfast. Mine ended up to be giant pancakes. I’d have ordered one if I had known how big they were!! Mum had toast and real jelly and a 3 egg omelet and hash browns. Mum said they hadn’t cleaned the grill of the previous meals when they made the hash browns. She saved part of her meal cuz we were in a rush.) Mum likes this restaurant. We had to hurry, the next appointment was at 1 and we got to the restaurant at 1220! It all worked out.


The second appointment was the blood draw for the DNA cancer lab. I was so embarrassed. I handed the kit to the tech and she asked if I’d filled out the paperwork. I hadn’t seen any paperwork in the envelope the box came in. Just some notes from the phone consult and a brochure. Well, the paperwork was inside the box. I had not opened the box. I figured it was just lab stuff and there wasn’t a note anywhere to tell me there was more information in the box. I was told there would be paperwork, I just couldn’t find it and decided it would arrive later in the mail. So, I took the papers and had to find mom’s insurance cards (she had moved one the most important one!) and got them ready for her to sign. I couldn’t sign them. My Power of Attorney papers were not on file with the lab doing the test and I just had mom do it. She stayed at the clinic for ages chatting and feeling wonderful. (She was faking it) When we left, we stopped at a pharmacy for me to get more fittings and some glucose tablets (I was out). In the parking lot she asked for two pain pills.

Then, she decided to go shopping at JoAnne’s. She bought MORE fabric and fleece and knitting stuff and some things to give my sister for mom’s day. 121$ of stuff I am sure we have duplicates of or things of a similar nature here in the house.

My headache still hadn’t gone away. I was feeling miserable by the time we got back to the house and I called mom’s nurse to ask if they’d come later so I could visit my own clinic.(I told mom I was going to do this and she said I could go shopping when I was in town.) I filled up on water (peed all night, it was not good for sleeping! Lol) and got ready for the late morning lab. It is a good thing I arrived so early. It took quite a while. The great assistant lady (she is also from the class of 83!) searched all over my arms before deciding on my right wrist. It hurt, especially when the vein blew out at the end, but she got one vial. She then tried in my right elbow area. Nope, it gave out fairly quickly. (this rock has no blood, it appears) Next, she had another lady come in. This one managed to get 2 more vials from my left wrist. It took a bit for me to regroup. (I was told many times how it is all in my head and I need to focus on other things.) We chatted quite a bit during the draw, but as soon as it was all over, twilight descended. Not full dark this time, just a brief gentling of the aura around me.


I left to go shopping and went back an hour later for a checkup. It appears I am in good health, I’m probably just stressed. (Although, I do have another visit next week when the results come in from the labs.) There isn’t really a reason she could find for my weeping red eyes, my sore lower back and headache (which stopped while I was in the office), and I did not lose weight like I had hoped. (So, my saggy breasts, which have felt the last few days like mostly empty bags, are pretty much from old age.) I did ask for a new script for the neuropathy and she thought I should also have a prescription for a nap. It wasn’t written, but I’m not sure how it would be filled…or fulfilled, anyway! I dropped off my new script and mom’s script. (well, actually I went to the store to drop off mine. When I took mom’s in, the paper I thought was the script for me was really my shopping list. They were the exact same size and I didn’t know what it was til I got ready to hand it to the pharmacy assistant. She laughed!) While waiting for the script, I ate lunch and made phone calls. One of the little tubes of blood was for a Vit D test. I was prescribed this by a physician in the states to help my MS. I take a LOT (50,000 units twice a week) However, the assistant who graduated in 83, called me to tell me my insurance would not cover it. I called the company to chat more on the topic and found out Vit D testing is not covered and it would cost me over 500$. So, I called the doctor’s office and asked them to not send that particular vial in. (Grrrrrrrr)

I arrived home about the time the home health nurse called to say she wanted to visit mom today. It was a recertification day. They did not recertify her at this time. They are going to wait til next week after we see the radiologist. Mom is the healthiest terminal cancer patient in the world. She’s fading, but she isn’t really exactly sick. So, if next week shows nothing really major, they will drop her once more from their care. Mom talked to the nurse about moving into senior housing and how she wants to do that so I can leave. The nurse told me later, it was nice mom was optimistic, but it was also denial. Mom also expressed concern about getting addicted to the drugs she using. She really doesn’t want that, which is why she doesn’t like to use them as often as she needs to. She’d rather be in pain than be too fond of the meds. (even if she does take them)

On a super cool note, there is a pair of ducks back. In spite of losing their entire brood last year to various predators, the green winged teals are on the lake with the mallards and golden eyes. Plus, the lake is all clear, green in spots, and fairly high. This weekend, I’ll need to move the tires around and fix up the spot where I launch the kayak from. The photos below are a pair of golden eyes and the ‘dock’ I added to last year and pulled from the water in the fall!

The BEST thing was finding new music. Jack, bless his heart, shared a song in a comment and I downloaded two of the musician’s albums to my iPad. Joshua Kadison is now one of my new favorites! I was having babies while his career was taking off and I missed the whole thing til now. What a gem to discover. Thank you, Jack!!!!!

Catch Up Cat Nips

Cats never strike a pose that isn’t photogenic. ~Lillian Jackson Braun


I missed a week. I am sorry.  It is almost the end of true spring in Eastern Oregon. Most of the flowers are almost done. By the end of May, there will be only a few short stemmed flowers left before the summer ones come onstage. At the moment, my lilacs (I’m told) are in full bloom. In my yard I have light purple lilac and white. I’ve never been able to figure out how to cut them to bring inside. They wilt too quickly. They are an interesting plant as trimming them is best done in thirds. (One third one year, then the next do another third and so on. This is so they will always have blossoms) I’d love another color, but these hues do seem to be most common in town!

The bush above Moses is a favorite for birds to nest in. I also have tulips and forget me nots and the almost a weed grape hyacinth (they do grow everywhere and most people mow them down regularly) planted in this area. Inside the bush is an Oregon Grape (it has sharp holly like leaves and yellow flowers. I’d move it, but for two reasons. 1-it is growing quite happily and 2- it is a pokey plant!).

Moses under the white lilac is one of my very favorite spring photos.

Fun Bling NSFW 18+

Please do not reblog! 



Thank you for your clever creation!

In my old age I have learned caution. With my self and with spending money. Body bling has fascinated me for years, but beyond the 4 piercings in my ears and my single small tat, I’ve been more than wary. In research, I discovered non piercing jewelry and was cynical. Most of it seemed dubious, at best. (Not to mention all over the charts on cost.) Wearing something that probably would slide off is not the thing I wanted to do. I have enough trouble keeping bra straps from slipping!!!! (I solve that problem by not wearing the darn things very often, but tank top straps do the same thing. Ridiculous.)

I made a pair of earrings with beaded wire loops to wear around nipples and was surprised. A real live nipple (mine) apparently is smaller than the ones “seen on TV” (or online). I am glad I made the earring/nipple rings to be used in duality. I wear them in my ears much more than on my breasts! Clit bling was something I couldn’t figure out at all. Besides, there are just some things one should be careful with in a homemade situation.

In my research, I stumbled across your website. The title caught my eye first, the about the company piqued my interest next, and so, I thought I’d try it. I’m not a SW gal, so there were only a couple of things I would have wanted. But, on the online website, one of those wasn’t available. Sad, I wandered around to see where else you might be.  I didn’t find you on Amazon (thank goodness, EVERYONE does that site. It is nice to find someone who doesn’t!), but did on eBay. (hooray) You are on FB and I will not do anything there. (It has more cookies and tracking than a troop of girl scouts selling door to door with GPS!) THEN, I dorked my eBay order, had to contact you and I was hooked.

When the product arrived, I had to laugh. Getting into the box was the most difficult part of the whole Hoode process. The clip is exactly that. A clip which is logical beyond belief and fairly easy to place. (Slightly similar to an old fashioned clip on earring, but a million times less painful!) The directions were absolutely perfect. Bodies are all different, I was nervous mine would be an anomaly and not able wear the jewelry. It was simple! I placed it twice (once just to see if I could) and the discomfort is barely noticeable. I probably should get used to it gradually, but didn’t. I’ve worn it for a couple of hours now. I fell asleep in it (I am always tired. I often think a vacation would entail a comfortable bed and a lot of sleep) and even had to pee. (The latter was not mentioned in the papers you sent. It happens and removing it might have been more stressful than fishing it from the bowl. Although, it was not necessary to do that.) I was incredibly thankful this item was small. Longer dangles might need lifted from the stream, it is all doable! (A good rinse, a pat with a cloth, and all was fine.)

I’m absolutely sold on your company. I am definitely going to order again. Especially if you happen to turn your monarch butterfly dangle into a purple butterfly! Although, there are other things you offer which are as intriguing.

Sincerely satisfied,


PS-I am going to post this on my blog and make sure to link you in it. Not to get anything back from you but to continue as a patron.

For my WP followers: In the photo, you will notice there are earrings. Those were just some I happened to have from a store up in AK. (one of the reasons I was attracted to this clip in the first place). Also, the clip part seems prominent. It is and it isn’t. I’m not going to show you how this works, you can just take my word for it! If intimate jewelry interests you, I truly recommend looking into this company. Good people, good stuff. I don’t know about allergies to the metal, it is probably mentioned somewhere on the site. I also don’t know about shipping overseas. I was completely refreshed to find Alaska was not out of their jurisdiction. (Many things cannot be shipped here without extra fees because we are not in the continental United States. And if we were ‘out of the country’, the fees were not excessive, thus I didn’t notice!)

Sunday is not a Fun Day

Sunday was not my funday. (sorry Madonna) The headache I whined about earlier has not abated much, I was frustrated with mom (she attended church and told everyone she was feeling much stronger and getting out more. This was the FIRST day she’s been out since we went to the pain doctor on Thursday. She refused to see her good friend both on Saturday and Sunday-her friend was going to visit us.), I so wanted to elf more today (I spent a portion of Saturday elfing and thoroughly enjoyed myself), after church mom opted to come home (my blood in the parking lot was 66—I had 3 glucose tablets and a glucerna beverage, so was safe to drive- and mum’s when we got home was 469.), and my head and back ached so that I cried a minute or two. However, there were some good things. Podman and I exchanged comments on fear of God and the weather (not fearing the weather, just about the weather) and later I was fortunate to text my friend of the photo above as well as talk on the phone with him for quite a while. (by that time most of my headache had waned a bit, I had a short nap, some water, and two Tylenol. After our conversation, I went back to sleep)

I had plans for Monday. Blood draw, maybe a haircut, and perhaps a visit with Sir E. Or just do the first two with another visit to elf. Although, those are not really a good plans. It appears since mom is doing so great now, she wants to drive to Homer in the morning. (I bet she won’t want to go.) This is going to be a busy week. She has two appointments on Tuesday and two on Wednesday (hoping for two on Wednesday, the lab kit arrived and since we’ll be in that particular city, we can get her blood drawn after the pain pump is filled). Her health care visit on Thursday is later in the day, I can always dash in and have the draw before the health nurse arrives.


The bad photo above (had to sneak it) is what mom normally does during the day.

Other good things from this week. The local Thai food truck is back!!! (I’ve eaten there twice.) I am so thankful for my camera and the loan of binoculars from Sir Cookie (the sexy smart one). And I reckon I’m thankful for me. (even if I am tired and cranky and whiny and wanted to bite mom when she said I should take a week and visit The Craftsman.)