Changes

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Nothing is permanent, not even tattoos. I’ve been pretty angry the last week. I’ve been more alone than I’ve ever been. It is interesting  how avoiding social media makes people forget you. It doesn’t matter. Nothing does. I have a huge streak of apathy running thru me lately. I’m angry with God. I’m tired of everything. I do a lot of sleeping. Probably making up for the months I didn’t get much at all. I think I’ve been spending about 18 hours of my 24 with my eyes closed or asleep the last whiles.

Mum, on paper, is doing better than anyone ever expected. In reality, she continues to be tired and sleeps a lot and hasn’t got the energy to participate in activities. She says she’ll do things and at the last minute, opts out of them. I get frustrated with people who tell me to have more faith, to be stronger, and myself when I realise no one can help me. I am not sure what will happen from day to day or hour to hour. I want mom to be at peace and she won’t take that option. I feel like a terrible child because I want that peace when she appears to be getting better. She is not the person she was, she does not  have the life quality she used to, and she takes it out on her kids. I found out this week, her home health nurses are dropping her from their case load. I get this, she has managed to regain and the changes she has had are not debilitating. It just crushed me to realise she is in my boat completely now. Her oncologist’s office called me and her next appointment is in September. She doesn’t have an appointment with her diabetes professional set up. I HATE this. I am encouraged to keep doing what I have been.

Well, lately, I’ve been in the basement in between errands out. In the dark, sleeping away the hours of existing. So, be it. If I am not back, it is because there is nothing to say. I’m surprised I’ve even typed this. Yes, the apathy is strong in this one! lol

We’ll see

WIN_20170717_034517 I joined a couple of groups for this today. I hope they help me learn more from people who are inside this. I have a couple of very special friends who have walked the cancer road, but I can’t keep bothering them. I have learned a lot from this little booklet and anticipate learning more. Today, I have to contact people to come out and tell mum she might need more time to get well. That she might  not be 100% by September. Tuesday is that scan. I don’t know what that will hold. Hoping it is nothing. But, in this book I read pancreatic cancers can show up in many places. The lungs and the peritoneum (thin wall lining the cavity of the abdomen) are a couple of them. The places getting scanned…

This is a big deal. For me to want to talk to people about this particular cancer. Mum has had so many kinds and I have accepted it. Cancer is like one of those gifts that gets passed around all the time. It happens in our family. You just deal with it and hope the fire gets beat down one more time. She may win out again. She’s done it before. But, I don’t know. Only time will tell.

And if I am getting tired, I know she is, as well.

Update: What to do

13112801_10206294731387507_4158854135838448984_o It appears the problem is mum. After I gave  her the 15 units this morning, I checked twice more by noon and it dropped down to a moderate level. She slept all morning. But, the rhubarb cake she made is now half gone and her glucose is back up to 414. I gave her 12 units again. However, am not sure it will be enough. She had two helpings of noodles and beef, a serving of her cake with whipped topping, and her nutrition drink she is supposed to have. She did say this evening, ‘it is lethal, but it is sooo good.’ !!!!!!!!

I also noticed there were empty food boxes in the cupboard (snack crackers) and the snacks in the containers on the counters are half gone. I know I have not eaten much up there. I’m really trying to lose weight and am cutting my food intake vastly. No change yet, but I am sleeping a lot—I should exercise, but I am sooo tired inside! I do feel better otherwise, though. Well, not when my own glucose drops, thank goodness for glucose tablets!!

Silly Kris!

what to do…

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When The Craftsman went back to OR after his visit, a handful of change was left behind. I would use all of it today to know what to do.

I had given mum 24 hours to be on her own. She fucked up. I am now taking care of her again and right now, I am completely unsure as to what to do. (did I say that???) Let me ‘splain. On July 14 at 8 pm, she is supposed to have 4 Lantus. She forgot and gave herself 4 Humalog at 1030. In the morning, at 8 am, she is supposed to have 16 Lantus. She messed up and gave herself 16 Humalog. Oddly, her glucose was at 141 at that time and by noon it was 219. She was a busy gal all day and baked a rhubarb cake. About a quarter of it is gone. At 550 her glucose was at 467. She gave herself 12 units of humalog. At 10 pm her glucose had gone down a tad and was at 345. This morning, I waited to hear if she was going to get up for her 8am shot. She didn’t. I gave it to her, the needle tip was bent on her pen (yes, I reuse pen tips, those damn things are expensive!) and I replaced it (she can’t do that yet). I waited longer, to see if she would wake to check her blood-she was pretty lethargic. Well, guess what? Her glucose at 930 am was 576. I gave her a bit more Humalog than she is supposed to have, 15 units.

Gods, if this was me, I’d know exactly what to do. Mum? I am totally nervous. Do I let her go and see if she drops? Will she get dehydrated? I’m not expecting a coma, that only happens if you go for a really long time with exceptionally high sugars. But, this whole thing is stupid. She cannot live by herself. I am not sure how to let her know this. Although, the CT scans on Tuesday may show the cancers are in full bloom again. THIS is why I wish I wasn’t alone. THIS is why I wish someone existed for me to talk to. THIS is one of the many reasons I reach out to friends around the korner!!!! Advice???

Wondering who

IMG_9616 - Copy I am the sea spray clinging to metal, making rust.

I am the diet soda full of flavor and fun and falsely sweet.

I am the puncture, slowly making tires flat.

I am the discord in the piano keys stuck fast.

I am the cell changing others, creating sickness.

I am the cat soft and purry, with a vicious scratch.

I am the serpent in the garden, indolent and dangerous.

I am the rumor, soulless and spreading.

I am the ants inside the flower you brought in the house.

I am deception under a glossy veneer of goodness.

I am the worm inside the delicious fruit.

Am I? I am.

 

Over and over, I see this happening in my life. Yes, I do things which are considered good. Yet, in the end, the apple is thrown away and the music sucks. I thought I could be someone different. I have changed in some ways, but in the end, I am still myself and it doesn’t matter anymore. The saying about not being able to change spots is true. I can appear to grow and perhaps the edges are polished a bit more, yet, the end result is still warped. I exist for others, it is my place. There is little joy in the service, it is a duty. I won’t shirk it. I’m not the sort who does. I do, however, need to remember to avoid the relational parts in my service. The parts when I try to add interest to what I am. Every time I reach out and embrace others, I destroy them. The rock of self needs to remain steadfast and alone in the box. It is sort of funny. I actually LIKE people. I’m just bad for them.

Granted, these are my perceptions and not really important. Quirky posts are more fun to write and this sort of drivel belongs in my journal, but I don’t care anymore.

much in the key of me

Sick person This is a post of random disjointed thoughts. Kind of like the last week.

It is just shy of a year. Mid July 2016, I arrived in Alaska for two months. It has been the longest two months ever. Two months which have stretched into 12. Months in which I have put an entire year of my life on hold as I exist to keep mum alive and follow her on a course of what cancer and treatments can do to a body. I love being home. It is where my soul belongs. I’ve followed it thru four true Alaskan seasons and been thankful and grateful for having the chance to be here.

The chance to take care of mum isn’t quite the blessing. I grew up with mum. She’s been a difficult stubborn opinionated always right woman since the first day I realized we were separate entities. I think I was about 4. It absolutely astounds me to know how many people know her as one person, when my sister and I know someone completely different. While she was sicker, she was easier to be around. Now, she’s getting more well day by day and I am having trouble not fighting back.

She snipes at me for my weight, she comments about my conduct and the few people I manage to spend time with, and her dog gone stubborn ‘I can do whatever I want to, so there’ attitude is making me realise how angry I am as a person. (Especially when she talks about how well she is and still caves in the latter hours of the day or in private.) How I am angry and whine in the key of Me, me, me. I am constantly bitching about me, I, and my stupid thoughtless ways. I must admit, for the first time in many months, I wished I could do away with myself and still be responsible. Which is pretty funny, you can’t. Being responsible is well, being responsible! Mum is the most important person in her world and mine and I need to remember that. (I don’t type this to ask for sympathy. It is just a down in the depths whining experience. I would not do away with myself, responsible people can’t.)

This last week has been horrible. I’ve been floating in a world of existing day to day. The nice things which happen, as I mentioned, are commented on or dismissed as unimportant, while she repeats things she has already told me.

I was at the inlet for a couple of hours and when I got back to the house, she had taken a shower. ‘All by my self!’ I was pretty floored. The only other unassisted shower she had, I was in the next room if she got into trouble. I learned today she walked the dog half as far as I have ridden her bike. She’s lucky she didn’t crash like I did. I told her tonight if she wanted to gain independence, she needed to do more on her own. So, at 8pm. I didn’t give her the shot she is supposed to have. I almost always give it to her because she forgets. Yup, she forgot tonight. But, when she took it at her bedtime (a couple of hours late), she also took the WRONG kind. She misses her pump. She could just punch in numbers and it would work. Sort of.

Oddly, she would wear the pump on the side which is going to be scanned next week. The growing painful lump, which was going to be looked at before this week, isn’t getting looked at til next. So, things are put on hold again. I don’t know much about cancer, I’ve been learning some, but wow…. I was curious if a person could have cancer in their body growing and yet, be perfectly well in their regular labs and in strength. I’ve been told yes by friends. But, I’m betting she doesn’t have another cancer spot. I’m betting it is just a sore lump.

I asked for a sign to help me decide what to do (one of my favorite blogs ‘Cauldron and Cupcakes’ passed the idea on—I’ve been reading ones which show up in my email) and so far, nothing has been seen. Kind of like mum. She was supposed to move somewhere else in September. The results of the scan won’t be til the end of July. And she needs to go to ANC to get the results. So, I need to bother someone to take us up there or put on my big girl panties and forget how terrified city driving makes me and rent a car and go north. For a visit I am sure will last all of 30 min in the very late afternoon, including waiting time. Thankfully, it isn’t dark, so I won’t have to deal with much night. It is fishing season, though. And THAT is ridiculous. And mum hasn’t managed to sit in one place for a long period of time in ages. 180 plus miles one way with construction and tourists….(OK, that ‘in the key of me’ again).

So, can we pack her up in August or not????? Will she lose her place in the queue? Should she even go to where she wants to??? Who will get the dog and the cat??? Does anything matter??

Move it!

One of my very favorite songs about women and what happens to us as we get older…

I admit it, I’m older, overweight, and silvering. Normally, it is mostly ok, but now even my skirts are too tight! I’ve gained more since I’ve been taking care of mum. Cafeteria hospital food for almost a month, deliciously bad choices, added to a smidge of exercising takes a toll on a body. So does intermittent sleeping. The glucose levels haven’t been very good either. I think, when my A1C was tested a few weeks ago, it was at 8.7. YIKES! One of my good blogging friends recently found he was Type 2 and contacted me for some help/advice/a push in a right direction. I know the things I am supposed to do, so I think I was a good person to ask. So was he.

Bill sent me a link to a free site to help organize food intake, energy output, and the like. I’m entirely grateful, but not exactly impressed so far. I’ve been using it for two days and I’m sore and not hungry….although, those almonds I bought tonight are sooo good! Which are good things, but it isn’t an easy tool to use.

Most of my life as a person with Diabetes, I’ve measured carbs. Not calories. This site does calories. There is a spot for carbs, but you need to enter the info for the food to get it…I think. There is a spot to enter just the calories (MATH!!!), so I’ve done that instead. It is really hard to look at something and know I am supposed to eat 44 carbs a meal (one ounce of almonds is 7 carbs) and on the 1200 calories I’m supposed to use for this chart…well, it changes the picture a lot! Let’s look at a normal egg fried in a pan with no additives. I have one almost every day for breakfast. 78 calories and less than one carb. Talk about frustrating.

Then, there is a section to add in exercises. I rather like perusing the choices. I can choose the thing I feel I’ve done and poof, it tells me how much energy I used doing that particular exercise. I was a tad annoyed to not see sex listed. I am sure I’ve seen this three letter word in many work out lists. I mean, it is a good way to encourage people to move, right? (A definite lack in this list, though.) There is also a spot for strength stuff. I often use small weights while I use this biking tool I found in mum’s basement (I haven’t gone out on the bike Smart Cookie helped me with. I injured myself on the damn thing. I’m healed now, so probably Friday I’ll go out again). Anyway, the arm things I do are not in the list. Or at least, I don’t think so. There is a ‘bent arm barbell pullover’, which sounds like a strange way to put on a sweater. Or the ‘Front Barbell Raise, Standing, Medium Grip’. Maybe this is a sex position not found in the books I shared earlier???? No matter, I know I do strength stuff and I hope they’ll show something in the weeks ahead. I don’t do much, yet, but I am doing something!

THEN, I found out when you go online, the app scrolls your information to anyone on the site! How annoying. If I wanted people to know I was attempting to start an exercise program, I’d put it on WP. Sheesh. To continue:

One of the things I’ve discovered is how hard it is to not get a low blood sugar when I monitor carefully and when I exercise. Those mean I need glucose, which is calories, which need burned off, which mean I’ve messed up my chart and often I get a headache from the low! Vicious. The good part is, this is an experiment. And to encourage me to (I hope this works, it isn’t a book, I’ll do a lot of things for a book…….) to do a whole week, I bought this swimsuit. It is a tad too small (I bought it on sale), but losing a little bit will help it fit tons better. (The cat isn’t a part of the water costume.) I figure if I do one week, the next won’t be so hard. Maybe. I have 5$ on my Amazon account, I might get an ebook the second week…Gotta get through the first one, first!

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Wish me luck and a lot of stick-to-it-tivitness!

Early Night

20170704_215010 Today was a pretty low key day. Mum wasn’t feeling good and the morning was kind of cold, so we didn’t do the local parade. I found tons of foliage bursting with life and color, racing to show off their stuff before fall. Hard to believe summer is just here, but it looks like spring, and fall? Fall is just a short bit away. We found out the neighbor dog has killed 15 of the baby ducklings living on the lake. Thus, he is a predator as lethal as an osprey, eagle or loon. At least the others eat them and don’t just kill them for fun. I ended the night by visiting the inlet. I got distracted by rocks and sun and had to run to leave at 10 pm. So, I didn’t get to watch the sun set. Maybe another time—  (Just realised I forgot to load my rock photos on my laptop!!)

I do love Alaska!!!!!

Deviation

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A Canadian coin mixed in my change.

A diet soda with a burger and fries.

Lace under polar fleece.

Anomalies.

 

Looking for joy in darkness.

Seeking patterns in plans.

Reflections often appear

An anomaly.

 

Watching parades pass by,

Other lives being lived.

Observing alone,

The anomaly.

 

Hidden in plain sight,

Paddling along solo.

Solitude isn’t peace,

It’s an anomaly.

 

Serving, existing, giving,

Everything inside is gone.

Belonging elsewhere

Is just an anomaly.