Life in the a bit faster lane…

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View from inside the car-

I had a super grand afternoon on Saturday. The ice on the car windshield was incredibly lovely, the driveway had some sand scattered over it by the neighbors (their mom said they’d rather help out someone than do Algebra!), and it was quiet outside. One of those silences filled with birds and wind and trees and assorted distant noises melding into well, silence!

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I needed to go to town to get mum some meds and while there picked up a patriotic Kit Kat. I even had a quick fun chat with the man in line behind me about these colorful chocolates. (He was parked next to me and it looked like he was driving around his mom. I totally get why he, too, wanted a king sized Kit Kat!)

My next stop was the library. It was with GREAT trepidation I brought my four allotted books to the counter. Why? By the rules, I was only supposed to have 3.  I had returned 3, one was still out, and I hoped I wouldn’t have to put one back. I didn’t!!!!!!! I was grinning like crazy as I left the library with four precious books! (I was feeling rather Terry Pratchett today)

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I want a memorial like this!  :o) 

Next, I decided to splurge and get myself some Thai food. (Mum doesn’t like it. She SAYs she does, but would prefer going anywhere else.) There were two girls decorating for the holidays. One was at least in her early teen years, the other was much younger. Their decorating was quite different. The older girl was carefully wrapping garland and hanging up décor. Her younger sister was flying thru the empty restaurant with garlands streaming, deciding which tables should have their legs or the tops wrapped in which colors! (I got to help her with one of them) It was great fun to watch and be a part of.

I decided to make one more stop. I desperately wanted a hug and was hoping the Sexy Smart Cookie was around and no one was visiting. Fortune favored me. I got a couple of solid needed hugs, admired a new computer (the ‘guts’ are inside the screen!!!!!) and several Christmas decorations, then was given some very tasty cough drops. (I’m not coffing, but still have a sore throat.) The entire visit was a total win.

Once home, my blood sugars were a bit low, so I ate my ENTIRE dinner (which made my glucose rise quite a bit a few hours later. The price of an abundance of yummy food. I should just google delicious treats and look at pictures!!) Mum, however, didn’t do as well. Hers started out high and then by 9 she had dropped to 25. Yes, you read that right. Her glucose was 25. AND SHE DIDN’T TELL ME! I went upstairs around 1030 (after my last shot) cuz I’d not heard any noise. I saw her sitting in her chair slumped over with her head on the arm. I spoke to her and she looked up and I asked her to check her blood. I went over to look at the chart and saw the low and got so mad at her! She replied she was fine and had opened herself up an ensure. Her glucose had risen, but I’m going to have to see what it is around 4 when I wake her up. As her radiologist nurse has said, “Kris, she’s not going to die from cancer, she’s going to die from Diabetes!” (She hasn’t been that low since her NP took away her insulin pump.)

I’m going to go bonkers with worry if I manage to actually leave.

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Iron Strong

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There is a movie about a young man who runs dogs (sled dogs). It is called ‘Iron Will’. Mum loves this movie cuz it is set in her hometown (the high school pictured is hers.). Mum is made of iron, too. She sets her mind to do something and manages to get it done. She is much stronger of will and body than anyone else I’ve ever known.

She came thru the surgery for her teeth rather well. The only horrible part was what I was doing. The funds thing. Oral surgery is very expensive. I had gotten the money out of her investments and it was in the bank. BUT, I could not get it out of the bank til the bank opened and I could personally withdraw it. Mum was a bit put out with me that I had not been aware of this ahead of time. (I assumed I could use her visa/debit card. She said I couldn’t cuz there was a limit. Anyway, I was stupid and it all worked out.) It was a bit frustrating, though. I could SEE the cash, but couldn’t get it. (Sort of symbolic of my entire life. Good things are all around me, but can’t access them!)

Mum got home, whimpered a bit, slept a bit, woke in the afternoon and has been doing great ever since. She got up at 530 this morning, cat napped here and there, is going to do some sewing, took all her own meds, and is perfectly fine. She’s not supposed to eat any soft foods for several days and is already past that. She had mashed potatoes last night. I also got her quad cane for her, but she’s not used it at all. The phone rang and she jumped up to answer it from the couch across the room.

So, I decided to look into plane tickets. Absolute cheapest tickets are on Christmas Day, but the one fly in the ointment is the cat. I cannot take Mittens on any flights from SEA to where I need to go. Travel in that area is awful in the winter and especially on holidays, so it would not be logical for the guys to come and get me. (I wouldn’t mind, I’d end up sleeping in the back seat for several hours!) I need to call AK Air on Monday, anyway. My passwords have managed to expire again. (I have more trouble logging into that site than almost any other one around.) I’ll talk to them about the cat and see what to do from there. I’m not sure when I’ll come back. Probably in mid Jan. Maybe never.

Mum won’t really need anyone. She can do her own shopping. She still thinks she can drive, it doesn’t matter. (As long as she doesn’t kill anyone, I don’t care if she drives or not. And she has friends who will take care of her. Most of them will be glad to see me leave!) She has appointments at the end of Dec with her oncologist who has always told us mom will be well, she just needs time. (he is retiring in Jan) I’ll make ones for her dentist, so she can get the dentures done in Jan and she can do whatever she wants meantime. I have a great deal of stuff in the basement pantry and will move it upstairs. Granted, it isn’t EXACTLY what she enjoys, but she can get the other stuff on her own. She can call her good friend to talk about the state of the world (I mentioned to her this morning something 45 had done and her reaction was, ‘I didn’t hear that. Who said that and when did ‘they’ say he did it?’ I should have kept my mouth shut!!!)

I think everyone is right and I am overprotective. It doesn’t matter she doesn’t remember things as well as she pretends. It doesn’t matter she won’t take showers (they make her too cold). It doesn’t matter that she acts like a toddler at times. Perhaps she will remain well enough this time where we can let her harass people in the Senior Center and she can move. She has this idea it will be a mecca like spot, although she can’t have the dog. (She won’t be on a side with a view, she won’t have her pets, she will be in a smaller spot than her upstairs, and she’ll end up locking herself out often. But, she’ll be where she has bitched she wants to be for the last few months.)

One of my friends, from this last year, once told me he thought mum would end up surviving longer than I thought. He was absolutely correct. So, this is where I am on Saturday, December 16, 2017.

The other hand had me reading the final book in the Lady Trent series and it was well done, awesome, and startling. Totally recommend that round of books. (I did take a different book by Marie Brennan back to the library without finishing it. Something I rarely do!) I think I’ll go online and get the one from the Oregon online libraries…

A start?

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It is pretty icy out there. Mum’s drive is still bad, the borough roads are better. Someone came and well, not graded, but the road now looks all chopped up…like it was grated! It is much nicer to drive on than the slick sheet of mum’s drive! I’m a bit under the weather, in spite of getting out to the dump and watching a glorious sunset on the way. When I got chilled from falling in the snow last night, I think I should have gone in at once and warmed myself. I’ve now got a bit of a sore throat. So very unimpressed. (I think it is also messing up my glucose. They were really good and then NOT good at all.)

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Mum stunned me because she went outside today (I’m not sure why I continue to be surprised by the things she does. She’s stubborn and independent and she will do as she do and there’s no doing anything about it –that last part of the sentence is not mine. It is  badly cribbed from one of TS Eliot’s poems CATS!). How do I know she was outside? Well, I found all the bird feeders filled and her quad cane in the shop. I reckon I’m going to have to go and get it tomorrow morning.

Praise for caring people!!!! Mum’s surgery (if the weather holds and the doctor can get in!) is not in the middle of the afternoon. The receptionist talked to a patient who said it was ok to change her appointment and now mum’s is in the morning!!!! I’m completely full of humble. Perhaps we can get this done and she’ll be well and I can actually go south for a visit!

The Craftsman was pleased with the picture I sent him. He texted to say he liked it, he even called and mentioned during his call that he liked it. He also said he wished he could hug me for a long time. I mentioned how unusual it would be to have a long hug from him and he said, ‘Yeah, I’m usually too busy, but I can change that.’ (I wonder if he will???) Unfortunately, he ended up taking his last day off this month as a sick day. (I reckon Little Bear will have to pick me up at the airport if I’m able to fly in to town. I hope he recognizes me, I’ve gotten a lot older this last year. Although, he DID see me for a week in September, when he wasn’t fishing!)So, it appears, on the surface, that even through my semi-feverish haze, The Craftsman is interested in me. (of course, there are numerous times where he shows an initial interest and it goes nowhere) We’ll just have to wait and see. (A funny part.  He didn’t know what the Geminids were. The boys would have known. They often did meteors and stars with mom.)

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July parade-Little Bear is driving.

He also shared a fire call Little Bear went on today. It seems there is snow at some of the higher elevations around town, their call was canceled (the cabin was so far away, by the time the first station called out arrived, it was already a complete loss), so they turned around. And almost got the fire truck stuck!!! Three firemen, big truck, and snow. I wish I could have been a hawk on the power line watching.

Cold

 

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I laughed when I read this sign under ‘Logan’. It reads ‘NO snow plow parking at the curbs!’ Wonder what he’ll do….

I didn’t go and get the trim for the kuspuk my sister is making me. It was a very long day of having mum with me and it would be a cold day in hell if I voluntarily took her into JoAnne’s! (I didn’t even stop at the cell phone store so mum wouldn’t get a small blizzard for lunch-Dairy Queen is almost next door and she does like DQ! It didn’t matter, though. She got a shake at Arby’s.)

Wednesday was mostly annoying. My yahoo mail boxes are not working properly (I have 3 addresses and only one of them is being completely consistent.), I slid in and out of the drive and side road connected to the drive, got way too stuffed on pizza, didn’t hear from The Craftsman, and fell in the snow. However, I was asked to help out with a Christmas project, am reading ‘Heidi’ (One of those ‘feel good’ stories), and saw a few meteors.

Mum got mad at me this morning. It was really my fault. I should have thought before speaking (I did that several times today, was thoughtless!). She had gotten up early and when I went upstairs at 815 to get my breakfast, she had already done hers. She had left her Humalog pen out on the counter and a cap to a syringe tip. I looked in the fridge and found the Lantus pen minus the tip. I then asked her if she had taken her shot and where. She indignantly said, ‘My belly.’ I asked her where the syringe tip was. (Thinking illogically that it was stuck inside her!) She said she threw it away. I was very stern sounding and asked her how. She said she twisted it off with her fingers! I got VERY upset and told her you never do that, you always cap the needle before removing the tip, and it was dangerous. She seemed to think I was making too big a deal out of the situation. (I have gotten snagged by the needle tip before and it HURTS and bleeds and is not a good thing! But, I should have been a bit calmer.)

Later, I finally went to the post. I had expected mum to do it, she said she would, but deemed it too icy. She wanted me to get 3 boxes in the mail or they would not get there by Christmas. (I was rather uncaring, but put them in the car. It doesn’t matter if boxes arrive on Christmas—ours didn’t always and it just made the holiday longer.) It really was super icy and I slid leaving the drive. Oddly, the newspaper was in the drive (part of why I slid, I had to avoid running over it!), but mum didn’t get yesterday’s. When I returned, it was slightly uphill and it was not easy. I slid a couple of times! After dinner, I changed mum’s fitting for her. She had done it herself earlier. This was the first time I have changed it in a while. She has said I could, but wouldn’t let me help her.(Because she’s quite able to do it herself.) I’m glad I have a new unopened box. I probably should have picked up another one on Tuesday.

It was almost 11pm when I went up to check on mum. She was telling me about the meteor shower tonight and how there could be 30 seen (she didn’t say in how long). She had been out and witnessed some in just a few minutes (her number varied from telling to telling from 5 to 15). She shamed me into going outside. (I’m working on overcoming this, I really am!) So, I trekked to the end of the drive with a container of ice melting pellets in hand (so I could sprinkle and walk and not fall!). I ran out, so I went back to the garage to fill the container again. I eventually got to the end of the drive and across the road where I stared at the sky veiled in wispy clouds. I saw a few meteors, but nothing as amazing at the August show. The Perseids meteors often have longer tails, they resemble delicate embroidery needles trailing silver threads as they dart in the sky. The December showing of the Geminid generally have much shorter tails. More like sewing needles stuck in dark cloth.

At first it was warm out and I took this photo and sent it to The Craftsman. (I knew I’d not hear from him, it was quite late Oregon time. But, we’ll see how he responds. I was being daring! I also sent him the second photo of the cat.) I had taken off my sweatshirt and was sitting on my polarfleece jacket on a snowbank, I didn’t leave my sweatshirt off very long, which was a good thing! It got much colder when I decided to stand up straight, got dizzy, and fell over into the icy snow. (As soon as mum goes to bed, I’m taking a shower. I am still chilled!) I stumbled up from the frozen ground, stabilized myself on the snowbank, and decided to put on my jacket. It had adhered to the snow!! I peeled it off like Velcro and found the back was covered in ice balls, even draping it over my shoulder was cold. By this time, the sky was clear where I was (I had called the SSC and it wasn’t in his area) and I was able to mark almost 15 in the 45 minutes I was outside. Pretty amazing display, if you discount the snow fall. (not the awesome white stuff dancing down from the sky, just basic light vertigo.)

Thankful for those warming bits of good in this otherwise cold sort of day. (and the shower, which I did finally get and nothing flooded!)

Traditional Cat Nips

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Christmas is a day of meaning and traditions, a special day spent in the warm circle of family and friends. –Margaret Thatcher

 

Once we choose a time when everyone can be home to decorate the tree, the indoor focal point of the festive work begins. We always watch the movie ‘Muppet Christmas Carol’, because it makes sense to untangle tree lights and decorate to Muppet dialogue! (“Light the lamp, not the rat!”….“Ah, his blankets… Why, Mrs. Dilber, they’re still warm! I don’t pay extra for the warmth, you know.”) The Craftsman almost always does the lighting part alone, then everyone puts up their own ornaments.

Those personal decorations are a nostalgic part of family tradition. Mum purchases Hallmark ornaments every year and most of the tree is a tribute to Hallmark and collections. Thankfully, Strider isn’t at home and the vast majority of his stay nestled in boxes. Many of those are activated by plugging them into a place where a bulb goes on the light string. The special editions make a lot of noise (they are almost all Star Wars ornaments)! Little Bear likes those and one of his favorites is a Muppet. Beaker ‘singing’ a portion of ‘Ode to Joy.’ I also have a few other not Hallmark ones I hang in hard to reach places. (The cats are always interested in the tiny native Alaskan baby ornament with real fur around the head!)

Maxwell doesn’t like the muss of boxes and noise and generally hides, Kila puts up with it, and Moses gets his paw into everything!

Sew What?

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I mentioned the other day that mum was doing something upstairs and making painful sounds. Well, I found out what she was up to. She reorganized her cupboards. Which was not a fun discovery. Now, the baking pans used ALL the time are behind the big pots rarely used on the bottom shelf. I was making painful noises while getting the baking pan out for dinner and will not be putting it away. (maybe it is part of the process of cupboards???)  My knees and legs often ache and don’t support me very well (I’ll get on my knees for certain things, but not EVERYTHING!). Am not sure if it is MS or Diabetes or basic getting older. She’s been sewing on the same project since late yesterday. She’s making a jacket thing from polar fleece and says it is like sewing soapsuds. She’s ripped it up numerous times and has pattern bits and purple and blue frog printed fabric all over the living room. She was making a mermaid tail for my cousin’s youngest. She finally had to put that aside, too. (I know she hasn’t had chemo for over a year. I know the PET scan didn’t show cancer anywhere else. I know the tumor marker numbers have gone down. I also know she is NOT right.)

Since I am going past JoAnne’s Tuesday, I decided to text my sister a question. When she was here the other day, she got fabric to make me an Alaskan shirt/dress. She said she was going to do it last year and didn’t. This year, she has fabric we took from mum’s stash. Mum grudgingly let us have it. (Mum was going to make a jacket for herself from it, which sort of surprised me. It is pretty light cotton.) Anyway, I was told if I wanted trim to find some. So, I we had this texted conversation.

 

Then, she called me. There really isn’t a set amount of trim cuz there isn’t actually a pattern. It appears it is a word of mouth pattern from someone who got it from someone in Barrow (now spelled with a name that starts with a ‘U’ and is much harder to say and spell!). I wondered if it was stolen! No matter, I’ll purchase trim and figure whatever I get will be enough. Since it is ‘eye balled’, I wonder if she also needs me to measure body parts. (I hope when I send her the measure for my hips, she doesn’t laugh or say anything about how big I am. I know she will, but I can hope she won’t!)

And this is why all my sewing is for play. Literally. I make pillowcases often and when the kid was in theatre, I’d make costumes. Costumes are easy. They are sewn to be sturdy and bobbles are not seen from the audience. (I also make skirts and can sew on buttons!)

I don’t have a full size photo of the second costume anywhere online that I can see. He was a sultan and there was a mirror in the middle of his turban. When kids in the audience grew restless, he’d bend his head so there was a spot on them…He would  not look at them, but the spot would be on them! The first costume was a favorite. Fun stuff!

Word Wobbles

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It’s been a pretty good day today. I’ve pretty much ignored mum. She’s had to change her fitting three times all by herself yesterday, but she did it. If we can get these darn teeth done, perhaps I can leave her alone. We can hire someone to shop for her or take her shopping. (I’ll have to limit her and pray she does NOT go to JoAnne’s!) So stupid to hire someone to do what I have been doing for the last year! She’ll never find someone as cheap as I am. (I am betting she’ll feel she can do everything on her own or with a friend. Which is as inexpensive as having her daughter do it. Probably LESS expensive as she won’t be purchasing junk like diet soda and Kit Kats!)

However, this post is about something from this last week. It is a problem I have had for years. It is a frustrating thing and doesn’t always happen. (It happens almost all the time, just not all the time) I was with mum’s financial adviser and he was calling a place to verify they had me as mum’s POA. Then, I had to give permission for him to use the annuity. The lady asked me if it would be permanent. This is a word I have great difficulty pronouncing. (even as I was spelling it, I had to slow down and ended up using spell check!) After stumbling a few times, mum’s adviser dropped the word for me and I said, ‘Yes, that’s what I want to do!’ Thankfully, the lady accepted it. I was afraid she would insist on my own phrasing. I suppose I could have said, ‘Yes, I’d like this situation to stay in place as long as necessary or longer.’ It didn’t happen. When my tongue tangles, even my brain sticks!

I can totally dance on aluminum linoleum with synonyms. It is other words I have trouble with. (I searched to see if I’d mentioned this before in ATKb. I didn’t see it, but it could have been in a post somewhere!) Simple ordinary words like Deuteronomy (I guess that isn’t ‘ordinary’. It did show up often in the Bible college I attended!), enemy, permanent, and one I use all the time and trip over so often it should read it my way on the containers, cinnamon. I almost always mix up the m’s and n’s. Thus, cinnamon is cimmanin, pernament is how permanent is said, and Deuteromeny is full of all kinds of emenies.

I often wonder if it likens back to my love of spoonerisms. I was always telling the boys to ‘shy their twos’ or hurry up and ‘shake a tower’ so they could ready for bed. (sometimes they opted to ‘bake a tath.’) Shel Silverstien, known for his awesome children’s poetry in his latter years and his hilarious theatrical porn (and stories) in his earlier ones, wrote a great book on spoonerisms. “Runny Babbit.” It’s one I am hoping to add it to my Shel collection someday. (Becky was talking about shopping online. I wonder…….)

At any rate, those fairly common words are a definite stumbling block for my tongue. I can usually say them if I try once or twice and speak very slowly, but I’m not good at speaking slowly! Thankfully, someone else is around to fill in the block and my thoughts move on. (Unless  you get those dear souls who keep pestering me to say it properly.)

Speaking of moving on, I’ve finished Hans Brinker and another book and am going to start the Marie Brennen finale I wanted to read while mum was having surgery. It is 8pm, mum managed to get that shot at 830 last night, we’ll see how she does tonight. She was whimpering this morning as she put away dishes. I opted to ignore her. She has also determined, for sure, she’s not taking pain pills. She doesn’t like how they make her feel. Pain is something she can live with. (I’m a weenie, if I have pain at 4 or higher, I’m taking something!) She doesn’t want anything from OTC, those don’t work for her. She has two cookies left of the ones baked the other day and she forgot her 8pm shot. It is now after 9.  Such is life, eh?

Que Sera Sera

I’m mad.

We drove into town in fog. It was icy. We got to the office and the doors were locked. I called the ANC office (they called me yesterday afternoon to remind me about the surgery) and found out the dr couldn’t get out of the city. All his appointments today needed canceled.

Now, mum is feeling great. She’s looking forward to getting more things done and driving and shopping on her own. I effing hate any higher power out there who seems to think it is great fun to play with Kris. I’m going to stay in the basement and read.

Just another day….

You can never tell what a day might be like til it happens. Thursday was one of those dubious sorts to walk into. It started out crappy (literally), got better (MUCH better), and then not.

At 4am I woke mum. The bag she wears has a clip to keep it closed. It appears mum forgot to snap the clip. Yup, all over her clothes and other places. She cleaned me up when I was small, now I do it for mum. (and she feels she can be left alone….)

We were expecting snow and ice by 9 am, I left the house at 930ish and the storm had been bumped back to 10am. (I love snow, but do not enjoy it with ice, when I need to drive!) I had to rescue mum’s paper from the middle of the drive (at least this time it was in the driveway!) and mail another package. Once again, the post fixed the address on the box. This time she had gotten the numbers right, you just couldn’t read them. (remember, she’s fine!)

My trip to town was uneventful, it appears the storm was still thinking about it! I was able to stop where I house elf and Sexy Smart Cookie was home. So wonderful to visit a place when the owners are there. I, once again, discovered things I had not noticed. (Perhaps my elf name should be Clueless Morgan…although, that character was a Muppet goat) I’m not sure how long I’ll house elf, but I do hope I figure out how to work everything properly before I leave!

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Mum wanted to know how much a cremation would cost, so I jumped on getting this information. One of the directors had weeks earlier moved to AK from OR and seemed glad to find someone from ‘home’. I also learned a great deal about cremation. (I didn’t know ashes were salty and bad for plants and the environment, that they’d ‘clump’ up if stuck in biodegradable urns and become lumps, and that you can get about 14 cups of ashes from someone who is 200 pounds!) Mum wants to join a friend over on Mt. Redoubt, which is a volcano, so it might be ok.

I did a couple more errands, ate lunch, met a blogging friend I’d never met in person (happens even in smallish sorts of towns!), and went to pick up my niece.

I had one more errand before heading home and it appears I was there for 20 min (I reckon time gets away from you when you are in a bank!). It also started to snow while I was there. A lot! We didn’t go dashing thru it to get to grandma’s house, I’m a bit more staid in the driver’s seat than that. We did stop to get her some popcorn at a place where I know they make it fresh for their customers every day. JL was very happy. I had told her about the sled and when we finally got to mum’s……

Mum knew I was going to get JL. She got into the shed and got the sled from where it was perched in back of the bags and boxes of crafts and clothes (I’m stunned she didn’t get hurt!). She also made cookie dough for them to bake (they are NOT very good. Mum used many of the spices and decorations that were in her cupboard. I do think the lemon was a bit too old..) and rearranged some of her cupboards, so now I can’t find what I normally use every day! She got into my sister’s room and dragged out a card table to use for cutting fabric and washed the dishes in the dishwasher (which means she had to move it a few feet and it is heavy and you do use your tummy a bit when you push and pull objects).

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I didn’t get any photos of JL and mum (the one above it at the baseball game we had for mum this summer). Mostly because I forgot, but also cuz JL rarely smiles for photos and mum is about as bad. Mum was so tired she was leaning on the counters, but she soldiered on. When they were done, I wasn’t about to do the cleaning up for her. I’m a horrible daughter, but she feels she’s well and can do all kinds of things all by herself. JL didn’t do the cleaning because the only one who really knows where anything goes is my mom! I pretty much stayed in the basement except when I went out to shovel.

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About 5, my sister called frantic. ‘Where is my daughter?’ I was confused. I had told her I was going to stop by. Her husband saw me get JL. I had texted her to say I had the kid at mum’s. BUT, it appears while Jake is working at the pool, she doesn’t get texts and things on her iPhone. She was totally stressed out, even before she got out of her swim suit. (and this is why I don’t think it would be a good idea to have Jake watch mum) About this time, I discovered our internet was down. (I was so annoyed. I pop in and out of the internet world like a rock skipping across water. But, when I wanna skip, I wanna skip!!!!!!!) I missed several messages and even a phone call from The Craftsman (we spoke later for a few minutes).

Mum wasn’t hungry after everyone left, I finally managed to get her dinner after 7.  She didn’t want any of the choices I presented to her, she was annoyed she only had JL for a couple of hours instead of all afternoon, and she was completely ticked off that I was so proud of her for doing all she managed to do today! (Granted, it was a bit tongue in cheek, but she did do a great deal.) At 10pm she was truly nauseous and in a great deal of pain. I finally got her to drink an Ensure and a half. It will be all she has til after her surgery in the morning.

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The internet and TV signal finally came back. I got a lovely surprise from Rhapsody, watched a bit on the scary fires in CA (if any followers are in that area, sending you prayers and thoughts of comfort—I know you need more than that, but it is all I can give at this time.), found more yarn, and our snow has turned to rain…again. Like Dan Folgelberg, I’m sad. However, it will make it easier to drive in the morning if the roads are only wet and not slick. The next 12 hours might be even more interesting than they appear.

Am I worthy?

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“I am brave and worthy of love and belonging.” Brene Brown.

I keep saying this over and over and over. Especially tonight. I wrapped up the Hanukah gifts for my sister’s family (I reckon I need to add something to those from me) and was sad. I got a facebook message from a gal who lives in my Oregon town. They want to invite The Craftsman and Little Bear over for Christmas, she asked me to ask them. I responded to the spouse’s habitual good night text with the invitation. I am sad I won’t be there to cook and decorate and do all those things I do during the holidays (and all the other days of the year! Lol). There is a chance I may get to leave here for Christmas…we’ll have to see. They’ll be so glad to have mom back to take care of the normal stuff!

I did get another text today from The Craftsman. I sent one this morning and got one back! I know the beauty of texts is that the person can respond whenever they get around to it. I shouldn’t feel sad I’m needing to be gotten around to, I do get texts back eventually. The goodnight ones are always appreciated, even if they say the same things. (I know he is sorry he didn’t call and that it is late and he loves me) And, as I have mentioned before, earlier than May of this year, I didn’t even get those!

Mum is being frustrating as usual. Her glucose dropped to 190 at her bedtime test and she had an ensure cuz it was too low. I don’t even care. She was talking about the pastor’s friend and how his cancer numbers went up and that wasn’t good. I told her I thought those numbers were bogus. I said hers went up and down and rarely meant a thing. Then, mum retaliates with, ‘But I don’t have prostate cancer.’  (No, she has a pancreatic carcinoma and most people don’t live long once diagnosed.)

Whatever happens, happens. I’ll do errands on Thursday and then get the grand (JL) and go from there. She is having oral surgery on Friday. (I’ll keep  you posted as I can) We are supposed to get snow, hoping it is an accurate forecast.

For the last couple of years my motto has been, ‘Que Sera, Sera.’ The sentiment remains. I’m just going to have to add that “I am enough. I am brave and worthy of love and belonging.” (If I say it enough, maybe I’ll start to believe it…..)