It appears I’m not thinking properly. I’m the one who is delusional. After I posted my post yesterday and read several others who seemed to be responding to what I wrote in their own posts, I felt much better. I talked to a friend and could sleep. Today the fan was hit. With a lot of sh**.
I should have seen it coming when mum walked out in the fresh snow to get the paper. I almost slipped yesterday, but she would be quite all right and she’d wear her ‘crap’ shoes (which are actually still fairly nice spendy things that I can’t pronounce).
This afternoon, Mum wanted the fleece. I had hoped to get some of the yarn totes back in the basement first, but she wanted the fleece now. So, I hauled up several boxes and containers of the fabric. After three plus, she did say it would be enough for now. (I also found she’s making them for something else. I would have laid cash down that she said it was for Sunday school, but it appears it is for a giving sort of thing at one of the other churches.)
some of the boxes in my old bedroom..where I probably won’t sleep tonight cuz there are too many boxes all over and many are on my bed. There is not much room to move them again. (the duffle on the far side is mine)
She then decided she needed a pattern for a fleece prayer shawl jacket. Which was, as she remembers, in a tote of fleece fabric. I have looked everywhere.
I found dozens of patterns for scarves, hats, slippers, vests, pet clothes, dresses, aprons, costumes, and more. (the ones in these pattern drawers are just some of her patterns, I’ve also looked in boxes) Happily, I found a pattern she hadn’t made for me in my youth. (I put my name on it!!) She made a lot of dresses for me and I’m not grateful enough. I need to forgive myself for my anger towards her and realise she was very good to me while I was growing up. It isn’t every mom who makes Gunne Sax dresses for their daughters. (she did a lot of sewing when I was in my teen years. Much of it was a part of a business.) I did not find the pattern she was looking for, I need to keep looking. I do know she has often told me the names of things wrong, which inhibits my searches. This one she says is from Nancy’s Notions. I can’t find it anywhere online under what she said it was or even what it is supposed to be. I’ve searched Nancy’s Notions, too. Of course, mum said it has been discontinued. (I was hoping to find it online so I knew what I was looking for in the house!)
I got mad. I got really angry and should have just bitten my tongue and moved on. I always bite my tongue and it isn’t that hard to do. I told her she needed someone to live with her and she forgot things. She told me she was over 75 and it was her right to forget things. She said I forgot more things than she did and she wasn’t going to tell me, she didn’t need to get into that. Minutes later, she checked her blood and it was 549 (it has run higher since she’s been ‘on her own’). She said it was cuz she got pissed. And because the weather changed. She then told me she was afraid she was going to get into the same trouble my grandmother did.
OMG! My grandma had a daughter who stole from her, who drugged grandma til grandma didn’t know people and was comatose, and who told grandma’s lawyers my mum was dead in Alaska and not to bother with looking for her. (that was a huge mess!) I was furious to hear her pair me with that awful aunt. I’m letting her take care of herself and today she’s done everything except haul totes up from the basement. I’m going to let her do whatever she damn well pleases and to hell with me taking care of her. If I am going to be dissed for negligence, I might as well make it worth something.
Tonight she made dinner. She fried pork chops and made macaroni and cheese and the upstairs is cluttered with fabric and boxes and you can hardly move.
(her dog came in all snowy and she had a fit!) Her hands hurt as well as a tooth (she has been bitching about this all afternoon), the chops were charred (which I don’t mind that much), and I bet tomorrow will be bad. Hoping it is ok enough for me to go to town and do errands. She’ll bitch about me driving on the snowy roads, it needs done. (by the by, the container of cookies in the first photo? I bought those on Monday. She normally buys them and wanted me to get some for her….she says they are ok to eat at one carb per cookie)
The oven may or may not be messed up, but that isn’t going to be able to be addressed for a while. She says it is fine and will be better when she’s done cleaning it. She said she is doing things cuz I told her she needs to. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care if I get arrested for negligent care giving. I don’t care if she hurts herself (ok, that isn’t true. But, I won’t be surprised!). She wants her basement back and her life back.
Every day I check my emails and see ads from two different airlines for tickets. Granted, I can’t remember my passwords (the ones I have written down don’t work!), but gods…I want to leave! Am not even sure I can afford to leave. The Craftsman says I should use mum’s cash to do it since I’m not getting paid. After her comment, I’m not sure I want to touch her money for anything beyond what she needs! (and diet Pepsi and Jr Mints.…)
Cancer is horrible, the fallout is worse. I know this last cancer, the pancreatic one, she has been with us for almost 6 years after diagnosis. This is amazing, but it is also mum. I get frustrated with people who tell me my mum can’t have this particular disease as she’s still alive. I’m tired of care giving and wish she would be ok to leave alone. But, I’ve whined about that before and probably will again!