Bricks

walljeremy I get Mum is stubborn. It is why she’s still alive. But, I wish she’d let up on my sister. Yes, my sister drives me nuts and is not someone I’d want to spend more than a couple of hours with at a time. Yes, she knows everything and has to take care of everyone and is bossy and the list goes on! I get mum has ill treated my sister since she was born, but I can still hate it.

Today,  my sister came to visit. She was here for a little more than a half hour and spent most of the time talking to me. Because mum sat and ignored her. Mum was crocheting, she hasn’t been able to do this in ages, so I get she was paying attention to her project. But, she could have put it down for a bit. She is always bitching about how she never gets to see her granddaughter or my sister, but she bitches when they arrive, too. She snipes at my sister for having a different faith, she snipes at her for homeschooling her daughter, she insists they won’t let my niece grow up and then refuses to let the youngster have chances in her house, she tap dances around my sister and her family and then blasts them from the water in the next move. I totally get why my sister doesn’t want to visit.

Then, I get home from shopping and find out she is going to sell the kayak to her physical therapist this fall. She will NOT let my sister have it because she does  not want my niece in the kayak. It is too dangerous. My niece can’t swim well enough to use a kayak. She has watched my niece swim and it is not good enough for a kayak.  Note: My niece has been taking lessons since about the time she could walk. She swims in chlorine pools and lakes and she has also used a kayak before. But, mum has this idea my niece can’t and thus, she is not ever going to be allowed to.

Mum is a brick wall who throws bricks. Today has been a good day. Her therapists are going to cut her loose. She is not needing anything more from them. She can walk fine and shower on her own (I was in the other room listening to her breathe way too hard, but she did it all by herself) and is good to go. She still can’t take the stairs to the basement, thank God! So, since her therapists say she is fine and yesterday her nurse said her color was better, Mum is going to be in charge again. She can’t wait to drive next month and send me away.

And I sit here pole axed. Her tumor marker is up in the 1500s again, she has ‘crackles’ in both lungs, and she gets cold quickly. Her reaction time is nil, she is often confused (she carefully wrote on a legal document it was 207. I was glad there was enough room for me to later add a ‘1’), and she does simple tasks badly (she can’t open containers, she washed the bathroom floor last week and spilled cleaning solution everywhere. I wasn’t home…). I’d run away and leave her alone, but she’d bitch she didn’t have a car, because I had it. I’m getting to the point where she makes me so mad I want to be really mean.

I am so very glad my ice cream melted and I had to eat it. It was one of the two lovely interludes in an afternoon full of bricks..

Moving up!

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This past year, in particular, I’ve noticed I’m beginning to grow up. How crazy is this? I’m over a half century old (not by much, but still) and I’m not grown up yet? It isn’t the adult part, I’ve been an adult since I was about 5. It is the maturing part I’m learning. So many aspects of me have become stronger and better. I still stumble and it hurts, I’m still a cynic in many spots, and I’m more at peace. This, to me, is the best part.

I used to fight with myself all the time and was convinced I was horrible and evil and didn’t deserve to live. I didn’t fit in the mold I was cast. Depression is one of the most awful things on earth. It is caused by so many things and so hard to combat. People who tell you to suck it up or tell you other people have it much worse than you do or say there is no reason for you to be depressed are well meaning, but wrong.

Making a person who already see their worth as ‘less than’ believe their thoughts are skewed, this just makes it worse. (I hope you can read that sentence!) Drugs are not always friendly. Sometimes they are necessary, for me they were not a good fit. I finally decided I couldn’t live the way I was and opened myself up to new experiences and ideas. It was a wonderful awakening and not one made up of religion. For me, faith wasn’t the whole answer. I had gone to the dark side, so to speak. A non-traditional path.

I could write a dissertation on my thoughts of God. I won’t. I do have a blog where I share devotions, I do believe in God and He is important to me. My faith is a large part of what makes me the person I am, I believe in the Bible, and one of my best friends in the world is an atheist. In my discovery of me, my God is bigger than the boxes man puts Him in. In one of my favorite scenes in Pullman’s ‘The Amber Spyglass’ (I am pretty sure it was that book and I am pretty sure this is how it was written!), the kids find a sealed chariot like box being pulled away from earth by the bad angel like creatures. In an ensuing fight, the box falls and the two kids break it open. Inside they find an aged emaciated being. They pull him from the cage and discover they’ve released God. Who suddenly becomes whole and huge and powerful and thanks them for letting Him back into His world.  This is the God I believe in. The One who refuses to remain boxed.

At any rate, as I look into a world of new ideas, I’m thankful for all of those around me who have assisted me on my route to find myself. I’m not done yet, but I believe I’m on the right path. Or at least a path leading to a place where I accept Kris. It is funny, those people who have helped me grow. Many of them are no longer huge parts of my life. They seem to have moved away after adding to me. When I search them out, they respond, but it isn’t the same. While I travel, other lovely persons have moved in. I reckon that is best. Static friendships are boring. Friendships need to be crystal and moving with hidden depths and shallows. This is knowledge from my new growth. Not being afraid to allow myself friendships because I know they won’t last the way I want. Not being afraid.

Three little words which blow an entire world into tomorrow.

How cool is that? Very!!!

 

Thoughts on today—

I’ve been thinking about the past and the future of our world. This song sort of encapsulates some of that.

“We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No, we didn’t light it, but we tried to fight it

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
But when we are gone
It will still burn on and on and on and on
And on and on and on and on…

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No, we didn’t light it
But we tried to fight it”
Billy Joel

Melted Mountains

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Well, it appears Mum is doing well. The weight loss she had must have been a mistake on the scales of that dr. She is now 112 again, or still, or whatever. The doctor she saw today surmised the bulge in her tummy (which he said was small) is most likely scar tissue and he would not recommend a surgery on her stoma (hole in abdomen) unless it was a local sort of anesthesia. He suggested we continue with giving her foods she can process and the nutritional drinks. (the one she had tonight is making her sick, she should have had it earlier. She is about ready to throw up.)  Basically, another doctor reminding us mum is doing well. When I said a different doctor said she’d be well by the end of summer, he sort of wasn’t as sure on that. He hedged on the word ‘well’. Will she be healthier? yes. Will she be up to the things she could do two years ago? Probably not. Mum opted to not hear that part.

I had to wake her this morning to give her shots. I woke her for the first one and then again for the second one. She got lost today at the medical building. I dropped her off and parked the car and when I got to the office area, she wasn’t there. She had gone to a different one. She knew where we were going today, we had discussed it for several days. At breakfast I reminded her when she was sure nothing was going on today. I had even mentioned I had dropped her off on the wrong side of the building and she agreed. But, it appears memory lapses can also be caused by an UTI (urinary tract infection). She’s had one already and been treated, but it may be chronic. No one is taking those seriously, except a couple of her friends and I.

After her appointment, she was nauseous, but visited a friend and then before dinner she wanted to go to town for dinner and then a baseball game! Thankfully, I remembered King Felix was pitching tonight for Seattle and she opted to stay home and see how he did. We ordered pizza for dinner and ate too much (I love pizza, but not what it does to my diabetes!!!) and then she had that beverage. And for a snack, a mini bagel with whipped mixed berry cream cheese. Yeah, not good for her already high blood sugar. But, she’ll be down to the 100’s by breakfast. Unless the shot she did on her own was messed up. Not gonna even think about it.

So, mountains have been melted. I’m going to go with the flow of snow melt and ride it down the slope. See ya at the bottom!!

Under the rose colored glasses

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This carefully edited stark shot with a tear is in response to Amanda and others. You are right. I do often need help, mothered, cared for. Today I was trying too hard to be ok and fell apart when I went to dad’s bench in the park. My falling apart is often contained, I rarely fold completely. It isn’t appropriate. I sat there today and realised how often I hold on to others around me for help. How often I reach out and cling. How often I whine and bitch and moan. And how, in reality, I am alone.  I was sure it was cuz I am so fat and unlikable and boring and well, no one wants to be around a clinging vine!  It was the loneliness which really shook me today.

Last night, when we were changing mum’s waste bag, we found a knot. A lump. It is about the size of a smaller English walnut. You only feel it when mum is prone. The imagination goes wild when you discover something like this in a person who has a strong history of cancers. Having to be the strong responsible one truly sucks. I know my imagination is probably inaccurate, thankfully we see a Dr tomorrow. The surgeon who removed mum’s cancerous spleen more than a year ago. It is just that damn cha cha dance and mum? Tonight she seems to be a little more tired of this dance of death. She says she hurts tonight where the lump is. It has never hurt before, but she might have poked the area today.

As I sat there with tears drying in the wind, I felt lost. I got back home and sat despondent and completely unmotivated to do anything. I thought about staying away from the internet for a while (cutting off my nose to spite my face, so to speak). Then, I remembered this. It was in the book I read last night.

Don’t be so proud you can’t receive from others. If you don’t let them give to you, then you cheat them of the good luck they could receive by giving to you.”

I need to roll with the good moments and be happy when they happen. The Craftsman texts me a couple of times a week now and calls at least twice. My kid in VA calls often. I have good friends who encourage me in many different ways through the giving of themselves. There are beautiful stories in the world I can enjoy, blogs which make me smile, and friends who write those blogs who also give. I have running warm water in the house. I love those around me who give to me and I’ll continue to let them. It isn’t my place to reject their goodness when I am feeling like I should get rid of it. The loneliness I am experiencing is not because of what I look like or what I do. It is made up of fragments of sharp life bits cutting into moments of joy.

Those rose colored glasses are ok to wear for a while. They are just glasses which help one see differently. Different is good.

Backwards

In one of my favorite musicals, there is a song called, ‘Sunrise, Sunset’. It talks about how quickly the passage of time in children and those seasons of happiness and tears. I chased the sun during 2017’s summer solstice. But, I started with the sunset and ended with the sunrise. My photos in between didn’t turn out quite as photogenic as I’d hoped. I am sure I could come up with some philosophical wonderful thoughts about the beauty I was surrounded by. Probably later, though! I’m sort of tired. The first photo was about midnight and the second one was around 445 am. The hours in between had twilight and predawn and daylight, each part was gorgeous…and wet! Yup, our summer solstice had several spots of rain. I did scribble some thoughts as I watched (and read, I’ll review that later!). I didn’t stay on the beach past 330AM, I needed to get mum up at 4.

Midnight: Cook Inlet. Mascara on eyelashes reaching down to touch and edge of gold.

1 Am: Cook Inlet. Behind me is twilight, ahead are muted colors fading into tomorrow.

145 Am: Cook Inlet. Skies are starting to lighten above me, at the head of the Inlet there is a stain of pale peach.

3 AM: Cook Inlet. A predawn creamsicle edges the blue gray sky. It is light enough to read and write. The tide is coming in, I wasn’t sure when I was out earlier. The thunder of the surf accompanies the pitter of rain drops hitting the car.

 

Lost and found

IMG_6537 Often truth is stranger than fiction. Things happen which make absolutely no sense, yet they make you smile in amazement. Or yell or cry or whatever emotion happens to pop across your visage at the time! I had a couple odd things happen to me today. Almost putting the dishwasher pods in the freezer because I thought they were the meatballs I’d purchased was just natural selection of the silly. The other? That was truly bizarre.

The earrings in the photo are very old. I was granted pierced ears when I turned 13 (it was a very grown up thing to get done and the age of 13 was deemed the best age to do this). I loved having pierced ears. Then, in college, I decided to go wild. I had one other piercing on my ear. This made three. (I know, not really wild, but hey…I thought it was!) After a time, I decided I didn’t like it. I was home and my sister wanted to get another piercing (she had a LOT) on one of her ears. So, we went in and she got one and I got one. Now, I had 4 and was perfectly content. Especially since I also purchased an amethyst pair of studs. I almost always wear those earrings in my top piercings. Sometimes I’d wear a different pair, but these are my favorites.

When I got dressed this morning in layers, I discovered one of them was minus a back. I was crushed! Where on earth was it? I had slept in a sweatshirt with a hood, gotten dressed in a tank top, snap up western shirt and shorts, brushed out my hair, put it in a pony tail, washed my face, and quite honestly, I was sure the connector piece was gone. The worst part was the back being from an older pair of earrings, made when earring studs were solid metal. I didn’t know if I could replace it. I was in a hurry to get to a friend’s house, so carefully put the two earrings and the single back on the table, deciding to deal with it later. I got in and out of the car a couple of times, buckling and unbuckling, because I’d forgotten things before finally actually leaving. Once at my friend’s, I removed layers for inside wear. Before I left, I put them all back on and a glint on the floor caught my eye. I bent down and it was the back to my earring!!!!!!

How on earth it managed to fall to the floor where it could be found after all the things I’d done, I’ll never know. The absolutely lost item was found and put carefully into a sealed plastic baggie. The pair is complete and residing together in the baggie, awaiting cleansing. (I decided to clean them, since I’d taken them off!) It still baffles me to know it followed me to my friend’s house, but I am VERY thankful! I cannot even imagine where it might have been. I don’t think I could come up with a yarn good enough! True stories are pretty strange sometimes.

If only

IMG_6522 - Copy If only I could show you how incredible this lake is. Yesterday, there was a bit of a breeze. When it blew across the lake, it was like silver glitter being spilled. Every so often ducklings would appear. They’d get caught up in the pool of glitter and look as if they were scrambling for purchase in the shimmer.                                                                               IMG_6523 - Copy

The lily pads held patches of gold surrounded by silver on black, stunning jewels for the breast of summer water.

Tonight, the sun had finally gone down. At 130 am, the lake was reflecting black trees and charcoal skies. Billowy clouds of a lighter hue crowded the surface above the cones of the firs and peeks of light illuminated the water in streaks.

I wish I could show you.

One of those days

I got up, got mum as organised as I dared, made my bed. Looked at my bed, got back into it, and stayed for a while. I also forgot my morning shot again. It’s all better now, but really! Looking for some of those scenes which won’t happen in real life!

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Ohemgeee!

pioM6aMiE This time it isn’t guilt (at the moment). This time AAAARG! OK< I forgot to mention this in my crazy day, but mom’s therapist told me she should be cut loose and I need to let her do her own meds and as much care as she can handle. So, I have been. She had all her pain meds last night (she asked me to get them for her), so I woke her at 4, because I didn’t think she could do it on her own. She couldn’t have. I woke her this  morning when it was 8 am for her morning glucose and shot. She wanted to stay in bed, but opted to get up for a bit of breakfast. I asked if she wanted me to make it for her and she said she’d do it. She  poured herself cereal (I measure) and grabbed her little cup of morning meds I had set out (there is no way she could have opened the new vitamin bottle, I had trouble!! Stupid safety seal). I asked if she was going to have protein with that and she said, ‘Yeah, could you make me some PB toast? It’ll help me gain weight.” She is lucky I am a well behaved child, I wanted to throw something at her.

I give her PB toast every single time she has cereal of any kind, she usually has peanut butter on her frozen waffles , and I even give her PB for snacks at night. Peanut butter is NOT going to help her gain weight today if it hasn’t in the last 7 months. And she told me yesterday, the reason she’s losing so much weight is because she needs the rest of her teeth pulled. Cancer is not a reason for unexplained weight loss. As one of my friends told me last night, she needs to grasp onto any excuse she can for her illness, but gods, it makes me so mad! It is like I’ve not done anything to keep her well.

And the worst part? My blood glucose was horrible this morning and hers was really good. Stupid.