Walk Away

IMG_9679I’m angry.

Mum’s dr office called today to tell me mum doesn’t appear to have a UTI. She said to keep taking the meds and asked if mum was still confused. I said yes and gave her some instances. Then, I told her I was letting mum manage her own meals except dinner and letting her take her own meds. I’d put them out and it was up to her to take them, to help her gain independence. Then, I was in the bathroom and our home health nurse called. It appears mum had to have a wellness check because she might not be doing well because I’m not taking care of her properly. Damn it all people. She wants me to let her be and she won’t learn to do things on her own if she doesn’t do it. Then, her regular doctor called back, the nurse did. They want to see mom on Th, without me. Of course. Gods, she’ll tell them whatever she pleases and I’ll be the bad guy. I’m always the bad guy.

The last 24 hours she has been on her own for much of the time. She does things anyway and I can’t stop her. She walked partway down the hill to the lake to look at a ‘bucket full of weeds you must have forgotten to take care of, Kris.’Β She stayed up til well, past the time I went to bed. She was reading. She watched tv (some stupid buying houses thing) and would not let it go. She turned it on and then off and then back on. Of course I will tell them she is confused, she is not acting normal. But, now, I can’t tell them things I notice. It isn’t important. Mum got pissed to learn she was ‘losing it’.

She just came in from planting plants in the greenhouse, after taking a pain pill. She’s pushing herself to do more, it is what she is. She doesn’t want my help, she has told me she wants to do things on her own. So, I’ve been in the basement most of the last hours. I did make tuna salad for lunch, she ate some of it. I will make dinner. I do make sure she has her meds, it is up to her to take them. She doesn’t want to take the mirlax anymore. She doesn’t like the protein drinks. The dr wanted her to have ensure, and since she sees the dr this week, I’ll have to buy that instead. Unless she buys it herself. She wants to go shopping. She said she needs more fruit. She’ll buy a cart full and I’ll throw most of it away in a week. I didn’t put her to bed last night. I didn’t wake her this morning. I’d leave her totally alone, but she’s back to her ‘I might need the car‘ attitude.

Walking away and letting her do what she wants and only what she wants. I’ll manage from behind the scenes and let her take the stage. I’m best in the back and she’s made for the front. She’ll grow stronger in the way she does best, on her own.

Signed, the uncaring daughter who appears to not know what she is doing anymore.


22 thoughts on “Walk Away

    • I get so tired of being on my own. I want hugged so bad…Just held for a bit. God, now I am crying again .I’ve cried more in the last few days than I have in ages. Stupid watering pot. Thank you for your encouragement.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Kris you are Handling the situation and her just perfectly..
    why do people think they have to dictate what they think we should be doing..
    you know your mom best.. and you continue to do what you think is best for her and what works for both of you…
    They don’t have to live with her..
    they don’t know her personality..
    you do..
    you are doing a great job..
    stop βœ‹ crying 😭 and smile…

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Kris… as a former (pro) caregiver… this is sooo damn common. the hard part? its “mom”…. I dread the day and I now its coming soon, where I a going to be in your shoes. I wish i was there to hep u and provide some respite care. it is very obvious your mom needs supervision… would she be more receptive to an outsider? then you can get back to your home and life? just curious… please feel free to talk to me anytime… i have mentioned i am an insomniac and almost always “here”…. HUGZ!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I wish you were here, too. I think of you so often and wonder…What would Seastarr do?? I am going to see about a CNA after we meet with her oncologist again on the 12th. Today her blood sugars will NOT go down (they’ve been hovering from 3-400’s) and I’ve given her shots today. I have not been getting her meals for her. I will do dinner- I am not in here as often as I am in my email. Mum has limited internet…at least it isn’t dial up like it was 4 years back!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I think of you often…. it will all work out just the way the Divine intends it to be…. just hand it over to the Universe and all will fall in place! π‘ͺβ˜…

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Ok not butting in. Have you thought about assisted technology? So alarms and reminders that allow her to be independent but give you the peace of mind she’s doing it!? Also you can track it? Ps you’re doing a great job

    Liked by 1 person

    • I use alarms and reminders. She says she’ll remember! I write down everything and she is learning to. Sometimes she does forget. It is fascinating the journey I have written down in a binder. She is better, for the most part, than she was in December. Granted, she has lost more than 12 pounds, but she is better in other areas.

      Liked by 1 person

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