A bit overwhelmed.

Friday and early Saturday afternoons.

I’m in such a quandary. I don’t know how to start getting rid of stuff. I have a box started for donations, but of that what might my sister want? Then, she offered to have her daughter help me. Pippi needs exact directions and supervision, I’m too busy for the latter. So, I thought I’d have her box up lighthouses. But, there are houses in every room! Some you can see and not get to. Many are sets. They are almost all needing wrapped. Should the sets and collections be kept together? (I’m often a bit particular about keeping stuff organized.) In the photo with the arrows, each arrow is pointing to where a light house is. (it was super bright with sunshine, so the photo is horrible) To be fair, the ones on the right are lighthouses on photo frames of her oldest grands. But, they add to the abundance of lighthouses!! It is the same with the stuffed critters, they are all over the place. And those, should they yard sale or just end up donated?

I don’t know how to start selling this stuff. I’m not sure what will appease the IRS. This house is such a money pit and I’ve run through the annuity and am digging deep into my half of the investments. I meet with mum’s tax person in early June, meanwhile I don’t want to just sit around buried in crap. (My sister did suggest she needs to pay me for her part of the memorial services last fall. Because that will help me out..I suggested she pay for the memorial plaque for mom on dad’s bench. I think it is under $100, but I honestly don’t have it right now. Gas to fill mom’s Pacifica was a bit over $50. The kid is a bit like mom, unfortunately,  and it won’t get done. She’s doing other things right now.)

Jake annoys me. Ok, she’s my baby sister and was born annoying, but still. She sorted through the stuff she wanted and repacked a donation box better. (She made sure to say she took some things and helpfully minimized the chaos in the box.) I noticed something, though. It’s about money. She wanted name brand items (Pampered Chef or Wilton) and often said, “Ill take it, it’s an antique.” (I kept out some of the very old muffin tins to pack up later. I probably don’t need them, but they are rather cool)

Today is Saturday, I was in tears. It’s too much. I thought taking care of mom was hard. This part is just stupid. In order to find what she has, I have to excavate. Sorting the good from the bad from the very good. I’m not even sure how or where to get help. I just want to walk away. I’ve had persons say they’ll help, most of the time it is just a phrase. Often it is to give me advice where I can go for paid help.

On the positive side, it is surprisingly lovely being completely alone with rare texts or phone calls, (and more rare visits), I have gotten all the kitchen drawers and cupboard doors to close properly, the septic will get pumped on Tuesday, the digger guy wants to be here (think he’s wanting to take this personally, the pumping secretary can’t believe it either. But, it’s nice to be recognized and chatted with!), I can talk to the WP world without judgement, and almost every other night I sleep like a proverbial rock for 6-8 hours pain free!

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She did take about half of this stuff. 

Nap Attack Cat Nips

Way down deep, we’re all motivated by the same urges. Cats have the courage to live by them. ~Jim Davis

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If there is one thing I’ve learned about cats it is they can sleep almost anywhere at any time. It is also no surprise our household owns weapons of all kinds. On the door there used to be a sign that read ‘Our house protected by attack cats.’ However, we removed it because our cats are most antagonistic towards other cats or birds and rodents. (I got one of my most severe injuries from Moses when I was trying to get him away from Kila. It was soon after Kila moved into the family and there was definite feline frustration on all sides!)

I much prefer a relative tidy house and well behaved creatures. Most of the time, the cats didn’t fall into the latter scheme of things. They almost always went for the former, though. One night, after Little Bear had been out shooting defenseless paper targets, he took his gun out of the case to clean it. For some unknown reason he left the soft case on the floor and Kila found it was a perfect spot for a nap. Because he’s a cat, no one bothered him. Even sleeping he was an armed and dangerous hungry feline!

The End of the Week…

It has been an interesting set of days with some glowing beads and some rather annoying dark ones. (remember, a while back I posted about how my days had moments like beads on a string? Just keeping you on task!) We’ll start just after midnight on Friday and wander around from that point.

On a normal night I turn off my phone for a short while, take a shower, turn it back on, and nap from there. I always sleep with one of the overhead lights on in my room (I have several switches for my larger room, two of them turn on single bulbs near the walls and one turns on four bulbs in the center. I usually leave one of the ‘outside’ lights on all night) and Thursday night, I didn’t have any on when I turned off my phone full of alarms to remind me to wake up. I turned off the phone and put my head on my pillow for just a minute. I woke up when I heard mum in the kitchen above me just before 8 am! Startled I turned on my phone and realized how much of the caregiving I’d missed and closed my eyes AGAIN!!! Thankfully, I was texted at 920am. My glucose was totally out of whack and all I could do was take my shot, shower, and wash a load of laundry. And feel horrible for being a terrible care giver. I ended up getting our tickets to ANC for a higher price than they were 15 days ago and was frustrated because the address of the office didn’t appear to be where google maps said it was.

I was still out of whack at lunch (it was on the lower side) but ate and rested (yes, again. Lows are awful.). I answered the house phone when it rang(mum had been resting all morning) and realized I’d not gotten mum’s paper yet. I went out and found it IN the box (twice this week!) and warmed up the car, cuz the temps had been in the negative numbers. I ran errands in town(mum was annoyed I hadn’t picked up a script while out, but that wasn’t the call I’d answered!), ended up with a terribly low blood sugar while shopping, saw a friend, and finished the afternoon with a stellar sunset. (those last two beads were almost diamonds in their shine)

Unfortunately, when I got home it was dinner time and my glucose had skyrocketed AGAIN. I took my shot and didn’t do much more til bedtime. I spoke to a friend (another crystalline bead) and got ready for bed. When I took one of my night medications, I realized after I swallowed it, I’d taken the WRONG one! I took the pill that is not going to be renewed, so now I have less and since I took it at totally the wrong time, it won’t be effective.

My doctor in the states won’t renew it til I see her. I am not going to see her on Monday like I’d hoped, so she suggested I see my regular doctor. Who is also in the states. (If I could see him, I’d be able to visit my endocrinologist!) I might just need to get the person I visited up here when I had the sinus infection for several months to see me for my Diabetes.

Now, on Saturday, I’m in the darker shades of blue again. I bought a bag of flavored popcorn to save til Thursday, but broke into it early. I ate most of my extra large Kit Kat. Changing fittings is definitely not one of those glowing bead moments! (Mum changed it around 4 am, I changed it about 8, and now it is leaking again at 130 in the afternoon) Nor is thinking about celebrations being celebrated alone. Christmas sucked. I’m pretty sure the next holiday will, too. I hope I’ll get to house elf soon. That always makes me feel better. I was going to a smidge of house elfing today, but it looks like I’m not going to be able to. I do have plans to write more and make a birthday card for a friend. (She’s going thru a bit of a rough patch) I’m also going to look for more beads. I know they are out there! (I got an email from a dear friend!!! Glowing bead alert!!)

 

I am sad-

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I am sad because, after the brief interlude of sunshine during lunch (we didn’t go in to the luncheon mum was to attend, she was in a great deal of pain), the rest of the day went pretty much as the morning had. Horrid.

I am sad because I spoke to a friend and found bruises all over her arms, from her husband’s dog. A dog his daughters gave to him and he cannot control and who ate one of the medicines he is supposed to take. A whole bottle. And her expensive bracelet when she was jumped upon. (and this is just today!) I am sad because on my long drive to get mum’s prescription, I realized how expendable bobbers are. I am sad because I am alone in the caring for my mum and it hurts. A lot. I am sad because I wasn’t trusted to be strong enough to realise I didn’t really need someone I depended on. I am sad because I had no freaking idea a debit card with a visa stamp wasn’t both. (That one also made me feel like an idiot.) I am sad because the line at the first store I visited was very long and I’d left my book in the car. I am sad because when I used the bathroom at the store where I dropped off mum’s prescription, there was what I hope was water on the floor in the stall. I am sad because I CRIED out in public, in the sunshine, while sitting on the bench with my dad’s memorial plaque on it. (it isn’t easy for me to cry, tough people can’t.) I am sad because I don’t want to keep doing what I am doing and I’m tired and daddy can’t do a damn thing from his side of the curtain. I am sad because when I left the park where dad’s bench is, I delicately put the pointed toe of my best dress boots into dog crap. (In the park where there are clearly marked baggies for pet refuse.) I was so sad I ate all the servings in the bag of mini chocolate covered hostess donuts. (6 servings of 3 donuts each) I was sad when I drove past the lake where the swans hang out and didn’t see them. I was sad when I drove past the Senior Center where mum used to go, because she doesn’t go there anymore and she is forgotten. I was sad because there is a dinner coming up and we won’t be there. I want to do something fun and slightly fancy. (OK< that is just whining. I’ve had the chance to watch two movies in the theatre and two at a friend’s since last November and fancy is not something most people think to do with me, even if I could go! I’m ordinary and a bit immature and I HAVE had two ‘fancy’ sorts of experiences. Once around my birthday and one last November.) I am sad because when I made dinner, I dropped two pieces of fried halibut on the floor (mum’s dog was very pleased!).

However, besides the sun break around lunch time, there were a few other bits of good things scattered in the day. When I met my friend with the bruised arms, I also got to squeeze hands with one of the postal workers..thru a mail box! (I felt quite like I was being introduced to a roving female ‘Thing’ from the Addams Family). At the first store I went to, two VERY nice ladies waited in line while I dashed to grab two movie size boxes of Jr. Mints. The two young men ahead of me were also incredibly kind, and funny. (I guess those good things came in twos!) In the bathroom of the second store, there was one paper towel container still holding paper towels. While I was at the park, a man was listening to music and when he quietly broke into song, it wasn’t off key. I decided I didn’t need to go to the bank and get a credit card, the man at the rental place said I could use mum’s if I had POA papers. (I don’t think I could get a card by Monday anyway) I was able to clean off my boot thoroughly with one of those floss tooth picks when I got home. I got to text a friend for a bit. My fried halibut was ok, mum didn’t complain about it to me. (HOOORAY!) I read outside for 30 minutes after dinner, it was too cold to stay out past 730. (I had forgotten my coat and something to sit on.) But, I came inside and finished my book.

So, even with the ridiculous things that happen in a day, you just gotta count the positive ones. No matter how small. Otherwise, you are going to roll over in the waves and drown.

3 weeks, one Monday

This has been the very longest Monday I’ve ever had. It has kept going and going. There have been good things in the last 3 weeks, today had some rather awesome things in it, but all in all, I’m so over Mondays. Seriously, the last 3 weeks have been a straight run of Monday.

Today Mum had to prep for her pet scan. The oncologist department said they didn’t think she needed to prep. I called the imaging department. Yes, she had several things she could not eat today. Alas, she had already consumed breakfast. Oatmeal, toast, and a fruit cup. I was told that was ok, but to make sure she had no more carbs sorts of foods. I left her alone for a bit (in spite of all my various errands, I had definite bright moments in between the WTF ones), hoping she behaved!!!! I did make her shrimp for dinner.  I have had better pan fried shrimp, but mine wasn’t bad at all!!!

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Alaskan girl savoring shrimp not from Alaska…..

Later, I discovered  a horrible awful thing. Like the damn drain in the laundry room flooded again. Greasy liquid. After mum flushed the toilet upstairs. I almost cried. I honestly wonder if mum’s inability to process greases is why her drains look like bad arteries in a sedentary eater of greasy spoon cafes. 254452drain

I do know, I need to ask a rather dear knight I know to stop by and pour some toxic melting stuff in the drain while we are gone. Damsels tend to bother knights a great deal. Thankfully, knights don’t seem to mind too much. I would have bothered another damsel, but it is fishing season and she’s running nets.

After I got most of the basement floor tidy, I was chatting online and had to stop. Mum’s waste bag had leaked. I had JUST changed it. However, she has had a lot of liquid today and water and all the glue on skin in the world can’t stop leaks like that. I literally had to wait til she was ’empty’ and put on a new fitting. I pray the thing holds til tomorrow afternoon!

I think I’ll go to sleep and see how much Tuesday will be like another Monday…..

Following the Sunset

IMG_6697.JPG Following the sunset only gets you wet feet.

True. I kept my eye on that path of light and the waves receded and then, they didn’t. I wish I could have dropped everything and waded out and then started to swim. However, that would have been silly. Not to mention frighteningly cold and suicidal. So, I sat on the gravel and cried. I cried for wanting someone to just hold me. For being tired of doing chores because she’ll do them if I don’t, and then I’ll feel guilty. For being mad at myself for taking mum by the shoulders and trying to talk to her about her food choices. For knowing I can’t do a damn thing to keep her from making her own choices. For knowing that all the people who love her do not realise how hard she is to live with in real life. For wishing I could reach the end of the sunset and rest.

People suggest and tell me things I should do. I attempt to do them and they work for a short time or not at all. I so wanted to run away tonight. The beach was as far as I got. The sunset was so alluring and elusive and melted away into the mountains. And I had to come back to the house where my responsibility lies.

And where I have dry socks.

Under the rose colored glasses

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This carefully edited stark shot with a tear is in response to Amanda and others. You are right. I do often need help, mothered, cared for. Today I was trying too hard to be ok and fell apart when I went to dad’s bench in the park. My falling apart is often contained, I rarely fold completely. It isn’t appropriate. I sat there today and realised how often I hold on to others around me for help. How often I reach out and cling. How often I whine and bitch and moan. And how, in reality, I am alone.  I was sure it was cuz I am so fat and unlikable and boring and well, no one wants to be around a clinging vine!  It was the loneliness which really shook me today.

Last night, when we were changing mum’s waste bag, we found a knot. A lump. It is about the size of a smaller English walnut. You only feel it when mum is prone. The imagination goes wild when you discover something like this in a person who has a strong history of cancers. Having to be the strong responsible one truly sucks. I know my imagination is probably inaccurate, thankfully we see a Dr tomorrow. The surgeon who removed mum’s cancerous spleen more than a year ago. It is just that damn cha cha dance and mum? Tonight she seems to be a little more tired of this dance of death. She says she hurts tonight where the lump is. It has never hurt before, but she might have poked the area today.

As I sat there with tears drying in the wind, I felt lost. I got back home and sat despondent and completely unmotivated to do anything. I thought about staying away from the internet for a while (cutting off my nose to spite my face, so to speak). Then, I remembered this. It was in the book I read last night.

Don’t be so proud you can’t receive from others. If you don’t let them give to you, then you cheat them of the good luck they could receive by giving to you.”

I need to roll with the good moments and be happy when they happen. The Craftsman texts me a couple of times a week now and calls at least twice. My kid in VA calls often. I have good friends who encourage me in many different ways through the giving of themselves. There are beautiful stories in the world I can enjoy, blogs which make me smile, and friends who write those blogs who also give. I have running warm water in the house. I love those around me who give to me and I’ll continue to let them. It isn’t my place to reject their goodness when I am feeling like I should get rid of it. The loneliness I am experiencing is not because of what I look like or what I do. It is made up of fragments of sharp life bits cutting into moments of joy.

Those rose colored glasses are ok to wear for a while. They are just glasses which help one see differently. Different is good.

Third time was NOT the charm.

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Donald

This dad was the most scary bastard ever! I was always terrified of him. He was (not sure for real, but I was pretty small!!) super tall and had a red/blonde handlebar mustache. He picked us up in Anchorage from the airport one time. I drew a picture of him, but managed to put the stache on TOP of his nose. He and mum thought it was funny. I think that is the only time I recall him laughing. He and mum ‘dated’ for a while and then they got married. They always fought when they were married. After their divorce, they ‘dated’ again and were friends. Crazy. When we were married to Donald, we had the most fun outside. He lived way out in the middle of nowhere and we had an outhouse (there was indoor plumbing, but we were not allowed to use the toilet) and a creek for water. It was so cold and even now, I can remember how delicious it was coming out from that piece of black PVC pipe stuck in the moss! The hike to the bus was pretty long, but I did it. I don’t remember my sister going to school, she was probably in K by that time. I was 7 or 8.

There were some good things about this dad. His mom wanted us to come and visit her in Mass. It would have been lots of fun, she sent us United carry-on bags, but we never went. I often wonder what it would have been like if we had gone. She wasn’t very famous then, but she had made a name for herself in cooking in an inn. Ruth Wakefield of the Toll House Cookies. She also sent us books. Or me. I’m pretty sure this is the dad where those books came from. Rainbow edition of stories from around the world. I treasure them. When the old neighbor man (he was really a sweet old guy I visited all the time) got drunk and was shooting at the world, we were made to stay inside and Donald protected us. I got super sick a couple of times when we lived with him. I had mono. Third grade and mononucleosis. Stupid? Yes. I also had chicken pox.

Drinking was the name of the game with this dad, too. He was freaking frightening when he got drunk. He peed in our closet one night when he thought it was his bathroom. We didn’t spend as much time in bars with this dad. We stayed outside in the car. We had pillows and stuff to read and games to play and blankets. And the woods, if we needed to go to the bathroom. The sweet old neighbor guy took us to town once and we tipped over into a water filled ditch. I remember having to climb out the jeep door on the driver side. He had been drinking. Donald beat mum up when he was drunk, he even broke her arm. He never hurt us kids, not physically. I remember him saying he’d nail his couch to the wall above the kitchen alcove if we didn’t behave and we’d have to sit there. Scary bastard, oh..I said that. I hated him for years.

Then, one day, I was in HS and wearing a new long fitted coat. I was at the dr and basking in being admired (yeah, vain teen chick) by everyone. One absolutely broken down man glanced at me and looked away as if he was ashamed. I was annoyed and only months later, when I thought about it again, wondered if it had been Donald. All my anger vanished. That man I saw was a derelict and if it was my former dad, my anger turned to pity and then to forgiveness. This dad taught me a little bit about forgiveness. Eventually!

My Second of Dads

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This dad was unpredictable. Barry moved us to Alaska and the wedding he and mum had was amazing. Even for the barely 5 yr old girl I was! I found out later, (although I’m not positive this is accurate because it seems so crazy), Mum was engaged to this man and married my real dad and eventually went back to this man. I am not exactly sure what Barry did. I remember him fishing. Playing funny jokes. And drinking. And being scary at times.

When we moved to AK rules were not like they are today. I spent my early elementary years in bars. I would dance on the tiled dance floor, get Shirley Temples, and fall to sleep on coats with my sister. Mum did take us home more often than not. We’d sleep while they were away. (the bar was really close to our house. REALLY close) Other times we’d stay with friends as our parents partied, sometimes for days at a time. Us kids never noticed. The lot of us were having our own fun! We’d just asked whatever parent was nearest for whatever we needed and it was all good. We played on the beaches of Cook Inlet, ran in the trailer park with gangs of kids, had our first pets (rabbits and cats), discovered ice skating, and I learned to read. I also learned how to lose wooden spoons and hide things which needed hidden.

I was left in charge of my sister one day and saw a note on the table. I might have been in Kindergarten, I don’t know, it was a note and there were hard words in it.  One wasreally long. I ignored the note and we played outside. When our parents got home, I got in trouble. It appeared the hardest word in the note was ‘Promise’. I think it said something like promising not to go outside. I learned that word at Barry’s knee with his palm on my tiny ass. It has always been a scary word. BUT, because of not knowing words, I learned to read. This was a lifeline I’ll always be grateful for.

I remember another night, mum and dad had gone out drinking and we were left at the house. I had gotten us to bed, but wasn’t asleep yet. I hated to go to sleep when no one was home, I could see lights from my top bunk and it was kind of creepy. Barry came in drunk and I squeezed my eyes shut, but well, I was only a kid! He saw me and I got whaled on for being awake. He wasn’t very nice sometimes. Another night, mum had to go to the bar to get a six pack (us kids knew beer. Shoot, our cat was named Rainier and the neighbor had a fluffy feline named Budweiser!). It  was nasty out and she fell on ice, messing up her knee. I’ll never forget that. And she broke the beer bottles when she fell…..

I don’t know what happened to Barry. He was just one day gone. There is a bit of a blur in time between that dad and the next one. Which is kind of strange as it was only a year or less!!!!

I found out he married again and raised strawberries. He died a few years ago, but after we parted ways, our paths never crossed. Thank goodness!!! And people wonder why I am a cynic, especially about ‘love’.

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I reached under the band of my sweats, sliding my hand inside my panties. My needs (are they unimportant? At this moment, they are not.) are pushing me to touch, to feel, to play. I remember and move to the desires I feel. Your words make me angry, so I respond. When you told me you wanted to make love and I grinned at you and said I wanted sex. Your response made me sad. You said, ‘I forgot, you don’t like lovey, dovey soft.’ But, when I told you I could do lovey, dovey, soft, you petted me (is there any other word for it?) and I went to sleep. But, I don’t want to sleep now. I flick my clit, something you haven’t touched in months. I feel my nipples respond and arch my back into my palm. Nipples  you finally noticed after almost a week. I was so glad when you discovered I had two. I wondered if they were repulsive. Frantically, I reached a peak you rarely take me. I didn’t go inside. The wetness wasn’t there when you thrust your way in and I still ached from that. I wish you had brought up coconut oil or that I had bought some. I had hoped it wasn’t needed, but I was wrong. I imagine hard scenes in my head. Submissive ones where I am used, because it is all I want, right? Thoughts of toys to help bring pleasure. Places where a lover invites another to play with me. Sex outside in areas where being caught could happen. You know few of my thoughts. They’d repel you as they excite me. I jump from the top of the mountain into clouds of memories where I have been taken and held and appreciated. All of me, not just the dutiful responsible ones. I close my eyes with my hand trapped by elastic, falling into a sleep. A sleep where escape has naked men, erect cocks, dripping pussies, and pitfalls around each corner. I’m lost and I don’t even know why. I suppose I should put all I’ve learned to become back where no one finds it. Hiding in plain sight again. Glad for what I know and have experienced and move on in a staid existence. You said things would change when I return. Will they?