Helpless, Hopeless, Crazy

What has been going on? Well, I’ve learned this last week freedom isn’t free, that I’m helpless, this situation is hopeless, and it is absolutely crazy. Which is one of the reasons I’ve been such a bad blogger. (adding flowers from mom’s yard as the rest of the post is not as encouraging!)

Mom is home. She’s absolutely as well as can be expected. It appears there was some bleeding in her intestine somewhere, but since her levels have all pretty much returned to normal in every way, no one can tell me how to stop this from happening again or why it happened. The nurses get annoyed cuz I ask too many questions that they seem to have already explained to me. I have discovered I need to keep my mouth shut and watch and hope to god someone says something I can understand. (I did call a good friend in a different office and she passed on some information to me that was incredibly helpful—she knows me, knows mom as a patient in their office, knows I have power of attorney, and she has access to the records the nurses decided I didn’t need to know. They told mom the information, instead of me. Which was moderately ridiculous.)

I did get sleep that night and some in subsequent nights. On Thursday morning I called the hospital at 8 am to get information and was told the nurse would contact me. I called again at 1030 and was told the nurse would contact me. I called at 1130 and was told the nurse had already talked to me. I explained she hadn’t and the nurse came to the phone. She said someone had come in and the information was given to them. I replied with who I was and that I was the person to tell things to. A bit later, my sister called and I asked if she’d seen mom that morning (cuz I figured it was her that the nurse had talked to). Nope, she hadn’t been in yet. I finally talked to mom and found out Jake had talked to a friend while working at the pool, this friend had an appointment at the hospital and decided she’d see mom, too. This friend is a bit older than me, tall, blonde, and calls my mom ‘mom’. Mom went with it and so, it appears I have a completely unknown sister. Anyway, I went in later and the nurse asked me who I was. I said I was mom’s daughter, Kris. In the general chit chat, she asked about my sister in Oregon. I blinked. It appears mom told her she had a daughter living in Oregon. All in all, I was annoyed and frustrated. Mom, on Thursday, had stabilized, but they opted to keep her one more day. (I was impressed at how well she looked. IV fluids are a great invention!!!!)

The next day I arrived before 8 am, I was going to be there to hear what was said. They were talking about releasing mom. But, they wouldn’t know for sure til the afternoon. I decided to go back home and return later. (Remember this is at least a 30 mile trip one way with a lot of road construction that has just started). I get to the room and find mom has decided she wants to stay one more night, they let her. I eventually left after my sister came to visit. She was there twice. It was Friday, I couldn’t do anything I wanted to do, I decided to get take out Thai food. I forgot they move to a different locale on Fridays. I just went home, screamed at God most of the way, and had leftovers. I talked to The Craftsman for about 15 minutes, showered, and pretty much felt sorry that my freedom wasn’t freeing. (I did spur of the moment paint my toenails and drive back to town late. There I walked in a park I’ve not walked in since 2014—it was dedicated to a boy from my graduating class and got real ice cream. I have also pulled the hide abed out to sleep on.)

Saturday, I was so tired. I drank a whole rockstar in one go and kept yawning and it didn’t do anything at all for me. I also stopped at McDonalds and thought of Becky as I watched people order their breakfasts. (no one threw any cups, it was rather dull!) Mom was told she could leave at 830, but the paperwork, and whatever else was going on, took ages. She wasn’t released til almost 130! At the hospital she was weak and seemed so sick. She was concerned I wasn’t going to be able to drive cuz I was tired, but we got here! The minute we got home, she hobbled out of the car and wandered around the yard without her cane and did all sorts of things she probably should not have done. Her choice and I’ll deal with the consequences, as usual. She even made note of the dish I’d left in the sink that had the remains of ‘something good’ on it.  She had planned to attend church, but guess what? Nope.

Sunday arrived and I was dressed to go, mom was in her jammies on the couch sleep/reading. (It takes her weeks to read books she used to read in days.) She did use her cane to go outside on Sunday. She also wanted to know if I’d gotten the paper yet (she hadn’t read the last several and the only reason I got them is cuz she was gone. Usually, she feels she can do it herself). I did go and retrieve it after lunch, mom…she didn’t know I’d told her I’d picked it up and was going to do it herself. She was annoyed I hadn’t told her.

I was sitting in the basement wondering why I was so frustrated. Then, I realized it is because I’m by myself and this is hopeless. (I’m told God isn’t finished with mom yet, or that mom has something left to do, or any number of reasons why there is still hope. I’m not buying it.) Mom is in horrible pain. Mom spends her days reading and sleeping and watching tv and sleeping and going outside now and then for a few minutes at a time and sleeping. (She’s hasn’t started using the second Ritalin tablet to keep her partially awake yet.) She rearranges her clutter and talks on the phone. She attends appointments and tells them how great she feels or how good things are going. She tells them about the projects she’s working on (barely started and nothing even close to finished) and how she can’t wait for me to leave her. She says I need to have my own life back. Her pain doc and her primary doctor know she can’t be alone. They know she’s just talking. But, all we can do is wait in a hopeless, helpless situation where her stats remain normal and a tumor grows slowly.

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Bedtime for Krisco

When I was in High School one of my best friends was nicknamed Blondie, I became The Krisco Kid. My Texan neighbor in EO used to call me Krisco and I miss her very much. (She, too, was being looked after by a daughter) Anyway, I’m tired and in a little while it will be bedtime for this girl!

It was a very long day of waiting and watching. Watching monitors, mom, and the clock. I ate breakfast when Pip came to visit mom and then hauled me away for a meal. LC was one of those many people I’d texted and not texted. She got her text way late in the day and since she was volunteering at the hospital anyway, she also came to visit and then dragged me off for an early dinner. It was right after that mom had a blowout. Which I took care of while nurses hovered and were actually impressed. (I thought it was kind of funny, being surrounded by health care professionals, but I got it done) Hard on the heels of that experience, mom was moved to her room.

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Unfortunately, her pain pump seemed to be an issue. Because I had forgotten the whole remote (I just brought the main piece and left the wire part at home—see photo) device, it was determined mom should get shots every two hours or so. But, they needed the sheet the doctor made about how much each bolus is. I was instructed to hurry and get the pages to send to the pharmacy and they were closing right now. The hospital is now a maze and I needed to get from one end to the other and back. I rushed and walked and even jogged. I got it to the destination, but I was hot and exhausted. One of the interesting things I learned from the things the hospital admitting person needed was mom’s weight. In April she was 116 and on the scales today, she was 107.8. She has been steadily losing weight, but no one has really noticed cuz the records people keep are not weekly like mine.

I finally left the hospital at 730. Mom looked tons better than she did when we arrived at 530. Those who had greeted her at the end of their shift and came back on as mom was transferred, also noticed a change. It appears the IV for dehydration was a good thing. We need to wait on the blockage information.

I had one stop to make because I needed a new cord for my iPad. It was one of the several things I had planned to do on Wednesday. When I connect the cord to the iPad, it often says it is not charging. I looked this issue up online and read it was an iPad issue. Since both the iPad and the cords were gifts (from different dear ones), I decided to try to replace the cord first. I’m pretty sure it is a cord issue cuz sometimes it does charge and if I am not careful and I bump the cord, it tells me the accessory is not supported by the device. I also bought a frozen treat.

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Dear Julie, I know you advocate this treat, so I decided to try it. It is very smooth. It is easy to eat. It looks divine. Yet, it lacks something. I ate the whole pint and didn’t need to take very much insulin and probably took too much, because I was skeptical. From my first bite to the last, the treat seemed like it was missing something. I’m not sure if I’ll purchase it again. It was absolutely guilt free, it did seem like a shake, and I’m not sure why I didn’t like it more. I’m pretty sure the peanut butter one might taste better, if I ate peanuts, I’d try it! It is probably a taste that grow on one. I’m glad I tried it. J Kris.

I got back to moms and the dog had NOT messed anywhere, thanks to the neighbors who let him out! Both animals were upset mom wasn’t with me. I was too tired. The Craftsman had tried to call while I was out of service. (I had not taken any charging things with me this morning, I didn’t think I’d need them! Both my phone and the ipad were on last bits of battery!!!) I was kind of frustrated with him. We sent the pictured texts, I probably should have contacted him more. But, Strider and so many others reached out with words of that nature or even less!

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I called him back and missed him, he called me and our phone tag was over. (NOTE: did you know the word TAG means ‘touch and go’????) He asked what was going on, so I told him. I abbreviated my posts on Around the Korner, but was thorough. When I was done, there was silence and then he said, ‘It’s just been hot here.’ He didn’t say anything about what I had done or how I was holding up. He did hope I slept well tonight and said he loved me when we hung up after 15 minutes. I was just so confused.

Obi is so lonely. (I understand this, but his is an easier fix!) I stole a leaf from SSC’s tree and searched for a music station for the pup. He’s listening to 50’s music. I seriously thought about stopping on ‘Hogan’s’ Heroes’, but well, he’s a dachshund and I wasn’t sure what his reaction might be….he is such a barking sort of dog, anyway!

OK, Krisco Kid is going to let out the dog, brush her teeth, braid her hair, and then crawl into bed. I’ll call the hospital in the morning, but if the doctor goes on rounds before 7, I’m not going to be there!!!!!!!

girl sleeping with her brown plush toy

Photo by Snapwire on Pexels.com

Merry-go-Round

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Podman told me Wednesday was National Merry go Round Day. I absolutely get this. Awakened Gentleman quipped it was Misery go Round Day. I think they are both right. I’m tap typing this on my iPad, because we are back in the ER.
Remember my last post I said I was going to check mum? Well, I did and she was ok. Sleeping fitfully, but ok. I went to my room to change into jammies and heard noise on the baby monitor. I ran upstairs to see she’d thrown up all over the bathroom floor…ok, most of the floor. I called the ER doctor and asked for advice. He was upset she hadn’t responded better and suggested she come back. I was totally on board with that. Mum was less so. I cleaned the bathroom and she finally decided she’d better return to the hospital. So, I called the ambulance again and most of the same people come out. Since not much had changed in 6 or so hours, no one needed copies of anything. As we got closer to the hospital, I had to laugh. It was raining quite a bit and one of the businesses had their UGS system going! (Underground sprinkler)
The doctor was gong off duty, but he talked to the new one. She is checking mum for all kinds of things. So far, it appears there is a problem of some sort in her small intestine. I laughed to myself when the X-ray tech came in. He talks louder to mum, like she’s hard of hearing. He also said they would give her a contrast later to light up her pancreas, spleen, gall bladder, and other organs. I told him the first three were gone, so they better not light up!
I did get to give her insulin. The syringe was cool. It had a long needle, but when I pushed the plunger, it popped into the syringe! I almost stopped breathing cuz I thought it had gone inside her body! And the nurse was watching. 😳😳😳
So, this is where we are at 8 am on Wednesday. At least the merry go round is a gentle ride and not like a roller coaster. Wonder what the gold ring will do? I’ve been awake more than 24 hours now. (I did nap between 5 and 1030 on Tuesday, not sleeping. Dozing off and on.) Maybe the ring will put me to sleep, but I’m sure I’ll wake up more like Rip Van Winkle than Briar Rose! 😂😂

Claimed Cat Nips

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. ~Author unknown

Well, I was absolutely right. Moses and Maxwell are very fond of the hammock. (Max doesn’t look impressed in the headlock by Little Bear, but I’m told the furkid rather likes being on the hanging bed) I was told when it is not folded up, you can almost always find one of the cats asleep on it. Once in a while, you can find a person with them, too! Both cats find it completely practical to have a human body in a prone position under the trees. Because worship of cat means the absolute promotion of feline comfort in every situation, inside and out. (They even managed to somehow cultivate a catnip plant in my front garden bed! I’ve been trying to get one to grow ever since moving to EO!)

Ambulance–

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I have learned a few things from this obscure experience tonight. I have learned that I need to give precise directions to mom’s house to the dispatch people. (granted, the one gal who got a bit lost didn’t hear the directions on the radio. So, it was really her fault!) I have come to the realisation that I can do whatever needs done without health care people if I just pay attention.  I learned it is not appropriate to get mad at the doctors for not doing anything. (Mom didn’t want to have anything done to her and she wanted to go home. So, that is what happened.) I learned I hate driving in the dark (I already knew that, it was just brought to my attention again!) I also will not call or text people about situations until they are actually a situation.

Mom was throwing up. She threw up about 6 times in a couple of hours. I was always told to take her to the ER if she started to throw up, so that is what I did.  I’m glad I called the ambulance, she even threw up in there! We got to the hospital by 1130 pm and were back home by 230 in the morning. It was a short fast visit where they gave her a spot of nausea meds in her arm and then reminded me to make sure she takes her meds before her condition gets dire.

I hated having to bully her to get her dressed, to get her up and her shoes on, and to get her jacket on. She was so sore and tired and uncomfortable, but she said she wanted to leave and they had to honor her wishes. (I was popping glucose tablets and incredibly tired, but I was not the patient!) As mom was carted from the hospital, the nurse was impressed with mom’s fortitude. She called mom a ‘pretty spry old lady.’ I laughed to myself.

Later, I found myself angry as we drove home. I thought about it and realized it was illogical. I have no one to be angry with and I’m sure the reason is cuz I was and am so tired. I just want someone else to take this choice I made away. Not that it will happen, but I can want. It was ironic. There has been a great deal of rain up here and the roads have little ‘ruts’ where the water collects. As you drive, you can get pulled into them and they make it difficult to maneuver. This is exactly where I was tonight. I was in a rut of anger for no reason what so ever. I was frustrated by circumstances of self-pity that would be easy to wallow in. But, I don’t have to go there. It doesn’t matter what is usual, I can pull away from it and make my own way. I am the one in charge. I will always be in charge and no one will ever be there to help me. As that person in charge, I must take control and keep the wheel straight and out of the water. And I must not mind the odd things that seem to appear in the road when it is dark and wet and the lights shine on things so that your tired mind sees creatures that aren’t there! (NOTE: that guy on the road waving his arms like he was doing jumping jacks was real, but I did not stop! It was more important to get mom home and who doesn’t have a cell phone to call for help if help is needed in this day and age???)

Pulled Up

 

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I’ve not been fishing in decades, but I do remember when you are not paying attention is when the fish seem to decide to hit your line. You are caught short and need to think about how to land your prize. Thrice the last couple of days, I’ve been caught by being lost in what I thought and not what is really going on.

The first time was where I house elf. I had a project room that I was meandering on about and someone else finished it and is using it. (The Lady) The knowledge made me feel horrible and useless, until I realized how silly I was. It couldn’t have been completed until it had been started! Oddly, too, the completion sort of changed my role. I’ll need to be more careful in my tidying  and might need to remove my personal grooming stuff stashed on an obscure shelf. Women are quite observant and this Lady may notice the ministrations of a small quiet elf! (I did NOT mean to make those sentences end with words that might rhyme!) House elves are NOT shelf elves. Shudder!!!!!!!!!

The second time was with mom. When we visited the pain doctor today, she weighed in less than last week. On July 10, she weighed 114 and is now 111.8. I was unhappy and worried til one of my good friends reminded me of something. Mom is a tiny person. According to her BMI, she could be 95 pounds and she’d be perfectly healthy. (Me, I’m very overweight. I had a dream one of my male friends from EO greeted me when I got back with a hug and the words, ‘we need to get you on a treadmill.’) So, thinking it over, Mom really isn’t doing too badly at all. She was given a new med today (Gabapentin) for the burning pain and pins and needles in her abdomen. She’s been complaining about it for months and this doctor prescribed something used for nerve damage. (I was given it a while back for my legs and feet, but since it might make me drowsy, I opted to not take it.) Mom has Ritalin to help keep her up and active (I also have that in the states, but it made me sick and I decided I’d manage). So, now mom has meds to block pain, meds to block nausea, meds to block nerve feelings, meds to help keep her awake, meds to help her sleep at night, meds to manage her enzymes, and meds in syringes to keep her alive. And those are just the ones I can remember off the top of my head! She does take most of them all by herself, I just keep an eye on what she’s doing. She did say she felt like she was in a pharmacy.

Below, I am taking care of mom’s yard on Sunday evening before it rained. (sometimes I wear shorts, sometimes bikini bottoms. It all depends on which I pull from the drawer first!)  I am also wearing tall black rubber boots. (Definitely overweight!!) I did laugh at one of my mowing incidents. I had asked SSC to elaborate on the information The Craftsman gave me and made sure everything was ok. It was and, exasperated, I decided to just use the blasted machine. It finally gave up and died on the hill, because the one thing I forgot to check was how much gas was in it!!!! (pulled  up short!!) I didn’t laugh when I ran over fresh Obi snakes (Dachshund poop) and was being chased by horseflies, though. When I finished, I decided to sit down by the lake and read, but was intimidated there by dragonflies. Not the little blue and black darning needle sized ones. These were giant black clattering creatures who wanted to land on me!!!!!! (I probably needed a shower….)

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I didn’t get this posted and found out a bit more information. Mum is not hungry this evening (it is now Tuesday. It has been a super long week!). I made hamburger stew with lots of veggies and bought those crack covered bread sticks she likes (I ate 3!). She just can’t eat. I did speak to mum’s radiologist today. He told me to be aware of things like double vision and more confusion than usual (!!!!!!!). He also said if she keeps losing weight they’ll put her on a drug that encourages it. (it is a drug that was supposed to be used for breast cancer. Unfortunately, it didn’t do much for the cancer but it did help the patients gain weight. Many women didn’t like this drug at all and now it is used more for the side effect.) When I asked about alternative solutions, he said he’ll look into a treatment where they burn the tumor. It isn’t done in Alaska, but if mom really wants it, he’ll pursue the alternatives for her. Mom, today, said if that was what was needed, she’d do it. Since the tumor is mostly in the abdomen and the ones in her chest are basically just there, he told me if the pain is controlled, she should be ok. He was very sad, but did say she was not going to survive this one. (I didn’t tell mom that part of the conversation.)

I looked at her tonight and I have to see beyond her struggling and almost ignore that she can’t do things. It is funny, though. She is not eating her dinner (she had some applesauce), she’s falling to sleep in her chair, and she hurts, but she still combed the cat a bit when she brought her almost full bowl of stew into the kitchen. (she served herself)

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Last update. Mom just threw up. This might be a long night-

Lions and Tigers and Bears…

Oh my.

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It has been ages since I last posted. Mostly because I’ve been busy, partly cuz I’ve been experiencing some pain that has knocked me on my butt. Tuesday mom had a haircut, that afternoon a friend texted and since it was a lovely day, he wanted to meet at a local beach area. (He also wanted to let his dog run on the beach) So, I took mom home and went off to the shore. I need to go to this place more often. I didn’t take photos, but it is mostly sand, like the one closer to town. However, this one (except during fishing season) is pretty vacant. At the moment, it is red season (dip netting for red salmon), so it was rather crowded. Not as much as usual since the escapement is down (the amount of fish in the river), but still a lot more people than I prefer!

Wednesday, I was going to meet a friend from the Oregon coast for lunch. Mom had a rough night, but I left her anyway. I was also supposed to take the car to Sir Wrench later that day. It was sunny and pretty much a perfect afternoon. We had lunch, took the car in (he found it might just need new tires. He’ll order them and further investigate the odd noise that vanished when he drove it), walked around town with my friend and her cousin, and wore my poor self out. Not only did I end up with a thigh burn on my inner right leg (I wore those cool Bandalettes and was in a rush to put them on properly. I will not do that again!), but my legs were so sore from walking I wanted to cry when I got in the car to go back home. MS can be a bear sometimes. (speaking of bear, I did see my first Alaskan bear on Wednesday. It was a black cub running across the road near mom’s house. It seems odd I’ve never seen one before, but we don’t seem to hang out in the same places!)

Thursday, I hurt so much, but I had a dental appointment and knew since I’d rescheduled once, it was better to just get it over with. I’m not sure what hurt more after, my jaw or my pocket book. I was told it would be $800 more, so that is what I brought. Nope, I still owe them almost $300. This time they poked around in my gum and made me a temp tooth that feels funny. That afternoon, one of my friends from HS was in town. She lives in ANC now and she wanted to meet when I was done at the dentist. I was pretty worn, but seeing people I love is a positive thing. She paid for lunch and I could have taken more of that soup home! We also walked a bit and went to the art gallery (she’s an artist and teacher).

When I got home, I was way beyond exhausted. I remember reading a post by Rhapsody about invisible chronic pain and gods, she is so right. Mom, of course, didn’t quite understand why I wasn’t feeling very good. I just did what she does and tried to hide it around her. I don’t know why I didn’t get her genes for strength. When she had those 6 teeth removed last December and the surgeries to install the pain pump and the one for carpal tunnel, she rebounded faster than a puck in a hockey game. I did a lot of sleeping and worrying about a couple of friends (SSC and TnT, in particular) and managed to forget to purchase more ibuprofen.  (I got mom’s meds and completely forgot to get anything normal for me! Lol)

Now, it is Saturday. It is gorgeous outside and I feel quite a bit better. Odd, but better. I had my first low carb energy drink and it was delicious. (Although, now I have to keep peeing!) I’m feeling well enough to finally do my laundry and I might go outside later. Mom said she may feel up to the beach this afternoon, so I’ll not go out on the lake. If she wants to go somewhere, I don’t want to be unavailable. She’s been left alone quite a bit this week and even though she has refused going to the beach each time I’ve asked when I’ve gotten home, I know she wants to.

I also had an awesome offer I had to turn down. Some of our friends are moving out of state and dismantling their home. They have a queen sized bed they’d like to give to me for my room. (It is obvious they’ve never been in my room.) R said she talked to mom and mom said if I didn’t mind taking it, it would be ok with her. (Mum is delusional) I looked my room over several times, tried to think of ways to rearrange mom’s debris, and it just doesn’t seem like it will work. I’d love a better bed, but I don’t want to take away my space. Yes, I use a part of the family room now, but I really like having a chair in my room to sit in. The couch is good, but I like a chair, too. (Spoiled!) The photos are bad (It appears I take bad cell phone pictures. It also appears I am a messy person and use way too many blankets. I am shocked, I thought things were tidier in my room. The floor is clear, the bed is made, but so much is horribly untidy. I’m going to be working on that.), but they sort of give you an idea of how little room I have in my large room. There are floor heaters on two walls and I need space to get to them (hence the path). I like being able to get into one side of the closet (it holds a couple of my shirts, I probably have too many clothes. I do keep most of them in my duffle at the end of the bed or hung on a bar in the storeroom.) and I do use a couple of the drawers in the dresser. (tank tops and sweatshirts) Next to the bed on the chair side is a small broken roll top desk I use for my meds. (I sit on the bed and do blood tests and shots) I did say if they wanted to help reorganize things, they could. But, on the whole, I’m pretty sure it is a nice idea, but not very practical. I’d also have to figure out what to do with the captain’s bed and the things in 5 of the drawers and I’d miss the shelf at the head of it.

Life is full of worries and woes. Strider texted he’d moved his chicks to their grown up coop and a coon got in and killed all of them. Didn’t eat any, just killed them. Mom’s still in a great deal of pain. It is like the pump recalibration works briefly and then doesn’t anymore. However, we might get rain soon (I love rain!), when I was with my friend from Oregon, I managed to ‘sell’ 3 of the books I shared in here after the 2017 summer solstice (After I talked them up, different people wanted to buy them from the shops we were visiting!), and I found at least 8 different seedlings popping up from the 14 packets of flower seeds I scattered!

Sharing an almost classic song, because when I hear it I always feel joyful. (it is an almost classic cuz it is hard to imagine the 80s as being classic!)

A messy Sunday

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Saturday I had to dash back to town before 7 to get mom some glucose strips. I count what she has left and for some reason, she uses the items up. (Like this one, I was sure she had 5 nausea pill halves earlier today and by her bedtime, there were none left. Odd) Anyway, I could have let her use my test strips (I have let her use medical things of mine before), but when I called, the pharmacy said they had some of the over the counter strips behind the counter and I could purchase those. So, I did. (I tried to explain the odd costs to someone, but muddled it up. Maybe I’ll get it right here.) I know I mentioned this before, but it is so bizarre.  I purchased two boxes of 37 strips for just over $17 each. The box of 50 strips was just a bit more than $33. The box of 100 test strips was $147. I know I’m not good with numbers, but the pharmacist agreed (he was surprised!) that two boxes of 37 strips would be more efficient than one of 50. And two boxes of 50 would be less than one of the boxes of 100. I didn’t want that many, though.  Crazy???  Yes!

I came back home to see she’d moved the dishwasher and washed them. (drives me nuts how she loads the thing, but she says she needs to do it.) Sunday morning, she moaned and whimpered as she unloaded them. She said I didn’t need to do that for her when I suggested I’d do it after we got back from church. I’ve been keeping up on her pain pump bolus doses and she still seems to muck it up when I am not here. But, she’d rather do it by herself.

I did discover something cool and not cool on Saturday night. I was reading up on cancer and night sweating. The radiologist said the sweating was a classic ‘B’ symptom and was from the sloughing off of the dying cells. He didn’t seem to say this was actually killing the carcinoma in her abdomen. Mom thought it, though. I felt her optimism was uncertain,  researched it, and found something rather neat. The article was titled ‘How cell death shapes cancer’. (I forgot to see when it was published. I am going to try to find the place again and if so, I’ll ‘link’ it!) Anyway, I wish I knew about science and genetics and such. It was wondrously fascinating and now I know just barely enough to realise I am absolutely clueless. Basically, in one of the paragraphs, the article shared a hypothesis about how dying cells might cause the more aggressive ones to increase. Kind of like the dying ones slough off and are replaced by neighboring really bad boys. Sort of reminded me of an inner city mafia sort of situation. Not at all cool when it is in a body of a parent, but absolutely intriguing. Like a dingbat, I shared this with mom. Mom immediately found an old Time magazine with an article about cancer research and how advancements are being made to find cures. Except she won’t let me contact anyone to see about going further. The nurse didn’t seem to think it was a good idea and I couldn’t talk to just the doctor. I might try to call when the physician gets back from vacation. Mom said she’d ‘think’ about clinical trials.

She didn’t sleep well on Saturday night, she woke at 3 am and then went back to bed wtih oxygen around 5 for an hour. She was determined to attend church, though. I kind of got mad at her on the way in to town, though. She was telling me something and I finally said I felt what she was saying was gossip and didn’t want to know. She was greatly offended. She said if it is true and everyone knows it, it isn’t gossip. (insert eye roll!) I am so glad she’s not interested and has limited data for such things like a Twitter account…just imagine? YIKES!!!!!

Sunday I felt terrible. For some reason my jaw is starting to hurt again. I don’t understand this, the tooth in question hasn’t a root. How can it hurt???? Most of the temporary filling seems to be gone, too. I’ve been trying not to brush those particular teeth the last month, but the whole idea of not brushing is disgusting!!!! I do have a soft brush, I probably should have purchased a child’s one. I didn’t see anything online that suggested doing so. All the tech told me when they were finished was to not eat anything chewy for a while. I haven’t. Needless to say, I spent most of Sunday sleeping after taking Tylenol and ibuprofen. (I am almost out of the latter!) I didn’t even go to church with mom. I was there, dressed in a favorite skirt, and just listened from a different area. I was short with people (I mean temperamentally. I’m always short!) and hope I didn’t offend anyone.

I did go outside in the late evening and finish a book. I was half done with it and got a notice from the library that it was due on Tuesday. (It is done now!) I sat and took photos of the surviving ducks and of the 55 pictures, a few turned out ok. Not well, but ok! Mom was upset with me when I came back in around 830pm. It appears I was supposed to have made her dinner. I didn’t know this. I do recall around 620 pm I told her I’d get dinner in a while. (now, I realise this was ambiguous. It did sound like I was going to make dinner for the two of us. However, she has been getting her own meals and Saturday’s dinner was still in the fridge and she always asks if I have eaten. So, I was sure she’d already had her dinner, she fed the dog and had gone outside. I should have known better. Even her breakfast this morning wasn’t on time. The dog’s was, mom’s was not.)

Around 11pm I went back outside to catch the sunset from the yard. I also tried to take some photos of ducks again. The mosquitoes were ecstatic to find warm blood in shorts. I was very glad I had on a sweatshirt! The distance, the skeeters, and the setting sun made getting anything good difficult. I was really surprised when I loaded the photos on my laptop, though. One golden eye duckling looks as if it has a deformed bill. Unless it is just stuck on lake debris. Kids do tend to forget to wipe off their lips when they are eating.

I’m still not feeling very good and my tummy aches, too. Mom has appointments Mon and Tuesday (haircut on Tuesday when I will return library books!). I have dental ones on Thursday and Friday. Unless something happens, which I am sure it won’t. Cuz she is doing absolutely great. Really, she is.  I need to be thankful for her continued better than the normal pancreatic cancer patient health and remember to not respond to triggers of wanting in my own self.

But, I can’t help thinking of the Wells Fargo wagon and what might be in it for me. (what is one of your favorite musicals…I don’t have an actual favorite. I love them all!)

Piffle!!!!!

I’ve been fairly good with my not food carb intake this week. I was not going to get any ice cream and then I got a phone call. But, I started in the middle. This isn’t an Oreo, I need to start at the beginning! (they make a lot of Oreos now, I think my all time favorite is Golden followed by the mint ones….)

Mom’s nurse came to visit early this morning and mom was having one of her better days. The nurse reminded her to not do things that might put her in danger. She also reminded mom to take her pain meds on time and not let them slide.

After she left, I called Sir Wrench. He suggested he’d call me later, if he was caught up. (he didn’t call.) While waiting, I napped and dinked around. Suddenly mom yelled at me that a bird was eating a duck on the pallets down by the kayak. (YIKES!) I ran upstairs with camera and binoculars and sure enough. A large grey bird with a freaking long tail was plucking a full grown duck while being watched by a great many ducks out on the lake. I took one bad photo from inside the house and noticed the duck moving. It was alive! (or I thought it might be) I knew the full grown duck was probably a mom and ducklings need moms to keep them safe, so I dashed out to see if I could scare the bird. I did. It calmly lifted the duck like it was nothing larger than a mouse and sailed off. The ducks on the lake scattered and all that was left were a bazillion feathers. I tried to identify it and think it may have been a goshawk. Unfortunately, most bird books show the underneath of the birds and we were looking down at it from the house. I wish I’d taken a better photo, but I was hell bent on saving a mommy!

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I finally left for town and didn’t get to house elf. I didn’t get the test strips I needed to get for mom (due to the fishing, much merchandise has flown off the store shelves!), I did get mine. I also found the past staring at me. I was walking past the clothing racks and a purple shirt jumped out at me. (it did!!! Purple does that!) I looked at the top and almost started laughing. Mom used to make shirts similar to that one when I was in Jr. High. They were called Angel Sleeve tops. This one seemed my size and was only $3, so I bought it. Mom thought it was hilarious. (It does fit, a trifle snug, but not bad. I am so going to look further into the Keto diet Julie has been using once I get back to my own kitchen and doctors! In retrospect…oh PUN!!! The snug fit might be cuz of the elastic around the bodice. Maybe I can get away without a bra with this one, too!)

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I was in line at the store and the gal in front of me was a tad flustered. It turned out the person in the other lane was the Captain of The Time Bandit (everyone comes to our town to fish), I snapped his photo when he wasn’t looking when I was getting in my car. Over at Home Depot (I needed to get some suet) I parked next to another Time Bandit rig. I loved the hood ornament and since the lady inside was sleeping, I took a picture of that, too!

While at the first store, I noticed I’d gotten a call and it wasn’t a number in my phone. I get many of those related to mom and listened to the message. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to, but I called number. I expected this to happen, but it made me sad. After the nurse’s visit this morning and the stats mom’s got, it was decided to drop her from the Home Health roster. So, it is back on my shoulders exclusively again. At least until mom gets worse, which could be years. I’m glad she’s so healthy, but I wish it was enough so I could leave her alone and not worry.

I picked up meds for her and a few groceries and ice cream for me. (I wish I had some now. Even telling this story is depressing me! It is so nice to not be completely in charge of everything.) I called mom to see if she wanted something for dinner (she isn’t very hungry) and about the decision. She thought it was good that she’s not under the care of anyone and figures she can be perfectly fine all by herself. I laughed, hung up, and ate my ice cream. It lasted almost the entire drive home.

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Once at the house, I filled the suet feeders. Those Downy woodpeckers were very glad! The young ones are learning to forage and mom had put out a part of a biscuit covered in peanut butter and sunflower seeds. (I would have thrown it in the bushes, but the dog would have found it) I went inside and learned mom had not kept up on her pain pump meds. She did take some oral ones. She also walked down to the lake and back. I’m surprised she didn’t take a shower. I told her she needed to be careful and she could fall and no one would know for ages (she will not wear her medic button). She insisted she would not fall and falling could happen anywhere, so maybe she should just not do anything. (yes, she said that!) I told her I wasn’t responsible for her activities, but it would be helpful if she used caution. She blew me off.

I kept up on her pump meds til I dropped into a nap. I’d talked to The Craftsman who enjoyed his birthday present and tried to sit outside to watch the stars,, but ended up only watching the insides of his eyelids. I finally got mom to bed and am now listening to the raindrops in the chimney of the bad woodstove. I’m cold and would love to fire it up, but when I think maybe I will, I remember what Little Bear said and don’t do it. Fires are very scary. And I’m in the basement with no egress other than the stairs. NOTE: Because of the rain, I may not be able to be online….

OK< am back, finally!!! Also adding a photo from a previous post. Because mail is so much fun!!!!

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I found this great song and listened to it on YouTube. I wanted to share it. I love how erotic and romantic it is. The lyrics are more about the woman being God in a relationship than some sort of spiritual thing. Although, there is that, too. But, our society being what it is, it stirs up the populace. I liked she said it was art and art is supposed to stir up people. (Or at least, I think that is what she said!) What do you think?

DADBURNIT

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The Craftsman took this today–it had just emerged and was drying in the morning sun. I am quickly posting because it is raining and my internet is acting all wonky. I had a long post to share, but can’t manage to make the thing work for now. I’ll post as soon as possible. (this will also muck up emails and everything. Darn technology!)