Almost a week

I’ve been without mom for almost a week. It is surreal and strange and I’ve been in tears and turned myself around and then been in tears again. Feelings are so stupid. I have so much to do and life keeps dropping more in my lap. But, there are good things. So, I will start with those.

I can see (I, for better or worse, am wearing my new glasses). The world is stunning in golds and blues and beauty. I’ve seen and talked to my sister more in the last days than I have in the last four years. My aunt and cousin stayed a night with me. I think I am losing weight. I baked a coffee cake (it is almost gone). I’ve been watching ‘Dr. Who’ finally (I’ve wanted to watch it for YEARS and now I have the chance). I’ve gotten some amazing encouraging messages in a myriad of ways from people around the world and here at home. One of mom’s credit card peoples managed to knock the bill in half and they said it wouldn’t gain any more interest even if I don’t pay it right away. I splurged and bought Thai food from the food truck out here before the closed for the season (spring rolls, I couldn’t afford more). I found some grand bits of jewelry in mom’s stuff. (much more fun to sort than totes of fabric and clothes!) After I learned about the sewage problem (see below), I found the 100 dollar bill in dad’s wallet, I was glad mom hadn’t moved it. (I’ll use it for groceries) Transferring the house insurance to my name was easy peasy and I’m now a member of AARP (they take members as young as 49 and a half!), so the 1,500 I sent last week wasn’t lost! I booked a ticket to Oregon in the early part of November and it was cheaper than the ticket I had to cancel last winter, the one I had been given credit for.

Some of the not so good things are more frustrating (which is why they aren’t good!). I thought I had planned and discovered I should have done it better. It appears that when you attach everything to an account and the person who owns the account dies, that account no longer has funds to pay for bills or anything else. (I should have been putting money in the savings account every month, instead of once in a while.) The car needs filled and that is rather spendy. I need to send mom’s life alert back so they can cancel it (they won’t cancel til it arrives in their facility). Mom’s obituary has some bobbles and it needs fixed (it will finally go online by Tuesday, newspaper by the next Sunday).  Over the week, the laundry drain flooded a couple of times. Friday, I learned the septic has a blockage about 4 feet from the outlet near the house. After the guy’s cleaned it out a bit, they sent a camera down. They saw something shiny, so the object could be metallic or probably plastic. They tried budging it with two kinds of ends on their snake. It was stuck solid. (The company was sold, but the main friend person was with the new owner introducing him to the customers. Trav believes the ground this house is on was cursed generations ago.) I called two people for help. One company hasn’t returned my call. The second man was cute. He said he was 64, retired, and didn’t do as much as he used to. But, he’d dig the hole for me for a small fee, loan me a sawzall, and talk me thru cutting the pipe apart and repairing it again. (it was lovely on Saturday, so I should have had it done it then. Just cuz I didn’t want to isn’t a reason to leave a job undone.) Since the house is now in my name, these problems are absolutely mine to manage. The guys didn’t see any bucks on this first day of the season (Little Bear saw several about a week ago).  Strider is not coming up, the other two might. Obi barked a lot early Saturday morning and later I discovered there was some sort of moose altercation in the yard from the evidence of footprints and my skewed bench. (I haven’t taken him to his new home because, during the day, he’s still a tie to mom. When he barks at night, I’d gladly pass him on!) When the nurse came to pick up the bad drugs, she forgot the morphine. My ipad updated and now it sucks the battery really fast and added some apps I turned off, I’m thankful it wasn’t like that at the hospital! I had my sister clean out the fridge and freezer and she took or removed pretty much everything (In the fridge, there are yogurts, which I cannot eat, eggs, and my mozzarella light cheese sticks with a few condiments. I was impressed, but am glad I’m only eating twice a day!).

Jake did bring me a dinner and it was enough to last for two meals. I brought the nasturtiums in so they wouldn’t freeze and their bright flowers are cheering (Obi ate the stems I had to cut off).  I finally got out in the kayak on Saturday for a little while. I’m adding (what will be a collage of photos on my end of WP), so you can match them up to the explanations above! Have fun and thank you so much to each one of you. Even when you don’t know you are teaching and/or encouraging, you are (cribbed that from Amanda). Jack posted a song recently, one of the lyrics was ‘if you are walking thru hell, keep going’. I’m not in hell, I think I’m in a sort of dubious outer alleyway a few exits away. I’m going to keep going anyway!

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She has gone

It’s been more than 12 hours and a million years.
Mum finally relaxed enough for her body to let go about 1130 Monday morning. My sister stayed for a bit longer, then went home cuz my youngest niece was….upset by the news. I was there through the cleansing and til the men came from the mortuary. My aunt and cousin walked out with me and headed to my sister’s. I went to see a friend in one of the offices and bawled all over her scrub top.
When I got back to my car, I ugly crying drove to the park where dad’s bench is. I was supposed to meet someone for lunch, but I didn’t want to eat. At the park, I didn’t know TnT had followed me from the hospital. He’d been working near there and just finished when I left. I had been texting and calling so many people. A brief line to him was among my messages. At the park, I cried more and dropped to my knees and bawled on dad’s bench. I was so glad to be free, but I’m so lost. TnT held me and, thankfully, helped me up off the ground after. He also checked on me later today.
The person I was supposed to meet wanted to see me, then said she’d follow me home. I guess I looked a bit crazy. I stopped at the post and my pancreatic cancer T had arrived. I’ve been wearing it ever since. Eventually, I got to the house and after a bit of a chat, my following friend left. I took a shower and went to sleep. Strider had talked to me just before and said he’d call after work to see if I’d eaten.
I’ve rested and talked to so many people. I’m still incredibly tired and so bereft. I’d called The Craftsman right after mum died and talked for a minute, he was working. So was Little Bear. The Craftsman texted me a while ago. He said ‘Good night, love. Have a restful night.’ I’ve extensively texted another medical worker friend this evening and she reminded me to drink something.
Obi is noticeably upset, Mittens slept with me til I didn’t get her dinner when she wanted and drew a bloody line across my big toe, and I’ve had a piece of bread with some lunch meat and some water.
Her leaving was so mom. I’d just been sitting near her to take a blood test when my cell rang. It was from my dentist about my appointment on Tuesday. I left the room to take the call, returned and started to sit with my aunt. She turned, saw mom and told me to call the nurse. About that time the skies opened up with rain blowing sideways. Then, it cleared and part of the sky was black and part beautiful and sunny. In another hour or so, the wind hit and power was knocked out all over the place. It was almost as if mum was mad about her body giving up!
As I said, I’m glad it’s over. There’s much left to do. And then, then, who needs me?

Breaking Bread

Sunday visitors were not quite as thick, but definitely full of quality. Mum’s sister and niece are here. (They went with Jake after visiting mum. They aren’t used to sitting around like I am, plus they were still on Minnesota time! She will house them and now they know how to get to and from her place and the hospital) One of mom’s other visitors this week brought her flowers. It took til Sunday for the staff to discover the arrangement included stargazer lilies. Which are posted on the wall next to the elevator as bad presents to bring. (To be fair, the person who brought them wouldn’t have been able to match the flower on the wall to the closed buds. I took them to the car and will have Jake remove them to her house later) I even had a visitor of my own! TnT brought me 2 Diet Pepsi’s and hugs.
But, the visit that brought me to tears was after one of mom’s good friends prayed for mom and said it was ok to let go when you are this tired. (I’ll probably repeat this elsewhere) Mum’s Pastor came and I asked if mum could have communion. It’s a sacrament mum has missed. The young lady rallied (She’s fresh out of school!) and found grape juice and crackers. She dipped a bit of cracker in the juice, prayed, and wiped it across mum’s lips. It fell, but mom tasted the juice and that was enough. It was beautiful. For a small breath of time a hollow of peace surrounded the three of us.
This afternoon mum got a catheter and is breathing so hard, it hurts to hear her. She is moaning a great deal. She’s also not had more than a sip of water since last night. I don’t know how much more her poor body can take.

Vigil

In the stories I’ve been reading concerning the archer Thomas Hooker, there are often vigils in sanctuaries. Granted, those are almost always concerning battles or piety about searching for ancient relics, like the grail. They are often exciting and frequently short lived or even completely sacrilegious. (That is a very hard word to spell)
I’ve sat up or slept lightly through many hours of assorted vigils with mum. They have never been in a sanctuary. Many times she’s been hooked to machines, often they have alarms. I almost always had someone to text or message or email. In hospitals, nurses were always there looking in on her. At home, I had the monitor to listen with.
Here, it is different. Mum’s got several machines and the only alarm is the call button on her bed. We are virtually alone in the mostly empty corridor. Nurses come in rarely. I’m tap typing to people across the world who may or may not read this or even respond. After more than 16 hours, I heard from my aunt and they are at their hotel. The last personal messages I got were hours ago. I’ve not even heard from The Craftsman since we briefly spoke on Friday night.
I’m whining. But it is very different. Mum’s not wanting me too close, she’s still fighting hard. (I have the perception, right or wrong, that my holding her hand is weakness for her…) She’s, once again, in the last two columns of this chart and I don’t see her getting out this time. She’s restless. I’m almost done with the third and last book in the series (it is very good!) and I’m feeling alone.
But I’m in a vigil and need to eat because my glucose is a bit low. Except, the cafeteria isn’t open and mum is moaning a bit and I don’t want to leave her by herself.

Highs and Lows

Me. I’m beyond tired. I’ve not been eating much and my glucose is very low. I have another sore tooth, I’m trying to husband finances (word meaning is such an odd thing!), and tie up some loose ends. I’ve been dashing around doing mom things, but now is just waiting. There doesn’t appear to be enough caffeine out there to keep me awake! I’ve met some grand people who have shared how wonderful mom is and how, even in her prone position now, she’s still being a light to others.
Health care professionals and personnel. These people are the most amazing incredible people ever to walk the earth. I’m fairly certain most of them can also walk on water. They give and try new things and give more. Granted, there are times when communication is scarce. However, they often go above and beyond what their job may be.
Visitors. Mum’s door should be revolving! The nurses are surprised by how many people have come to see mum. It’s fun to have people from totally different places in mom’s life meet and find they have something in common. (For example, a young nurse from a local clinic stopping by and meeting her former school nurse)
Mum. She’s slowing down. Her body is finally taking a stand and telling her will it just can’t anymore. She has moments of clarity followed by dozing off. There are many tubes and gadgets keeping her alive and in comfort. It will be interesting to see how it all pans out in the bills. Comfort care doesn’t necessarily extend to more than medical aid for comfort, usually for pain. Mum’s got an oxygen mask over the NG tube, the PEG tube, and the pain meds. One of the picc lines isn’t working, but they can’t find a vein to replace it. Her glucose is dropping because she’s not able to take much in. IV glucose will just skyrocket her sugar and it’s all a dice roll.
Family. She’s talked to many people, she’s had a chance to talk to Princess (my older niece) and Strider. I’m not sure where Little Bear is, I’ll try to track him down when it gets dark and he’s more apt to be home. Her own sister is on the way. The sun came out this first day of fall, so it should be a lovely drive down from the city after they land. Hoping they rest on the plane trip, driving unfamiliar roads is daunting. Especially when tired. Mum apparently told Jake she was ready to go. In front of unrelated visitors. (Payback for Jake leaving a note under the salt cellar to let mum and dad know she was pregnant?) I’ve yet to speak to the kid.
Pets. Mum’s missed a great deal by her furkidz. Mittens is being annoying, but that’s just cat. (Stepping with claws out on my bare foot and throwing up on my clean bedclothes was a bit much, though.) Obi is becoming a bone. There is a couple who snowbird (travel from the states to Alaska for a portion of the year) and they keep wanting to spend money for different things for him (shots, grooming, etc). I’m often getting texts about how to go about certain things and they called his old vet to ask about shots. I know they want to help, but it’s frustrating. They really want him and originally that was going to happen. However, mum wants someone else to keep Obi. I have a signed and witnessed paper saying this now. (Pets are considered personal property to be divided in a divorce, so mum’s lawyer thought writing and signing and witnessing would be a good idea for at least Obi.) Mittens has several options for a next residence. She, of course, will land on her feet.
All in all, the highs and lows are balancing. Now, we continue to wait.

Lounge Lizard

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I dropped the dog off at the boarding kennel on Tuesday afternoon, I’ll pick him back up. I had thought about watching movies, but the video place by mum closes early and the dvd machine and TV in mom’s room work, but are a bit difficult to get to.
Thus, my Tuesday night was sort of low key and Wednesday completely so. Tuesday, I found out my aunt is coming up. At first I was thinking I’d need to do stuff so they could stay here, but it turns out they will stay with Jake. My sister is only 8 miles from the hospital, barring road construction. I’m 30 with two different sections of road being worked on. That means, while my relatives are in the state, I’ll be doing pretty much the same things as usual. Except, I won’t need to be with mom as long. Her rooms pretty small and more than two people is a bit crowded.
Wednesday, I’d made tentative plans to do things with a couple of people, but those were canceled. I ended up staying in the basement in bed all day. It was so quiet. I didn’t need to do anything with the dog, talked to Strider and my sister and my uncle, and realized I’ve had enough carbs in the last week to last me ages. So, I’ve been keeping my glucose checked and taking insulin as needed and it’s been lovely. I did wash my bed linen, I’m hoping it’s clean. It almost smells musty! I hope it’s my imagination. It takes so long to strip and remake this bed! Although, I’ll do it again if I need to. I’m not sure why it would be musty. It went right from the wash to the dryer on high heat. Laughing. That would be logical. The one thing I’ve done needs done over! Can detergent go bad? Oh, I also posted this blog and listened to several recorded messages from GT well as texted people. A nice lounge lizard day!

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I need to be at the hospital in 12 hours, so I probably should figure out what needs done Thursday. I do love making lists. It’s so much fun to scratch things off. Do you write lists? I also like reptiles!

An accessory

I absolutely understand how health care personnel focus on the patient. I get that they want to make sure the patient is the most important individual. It makes sense, if the patient wasn’t there, the professional would not have a job. I understand that when shifts change, information is sketchy. I totally get that when I’m not here, things change. But, damn it, I’m not a bit of furniture that’s in a crowded room!

Mom’s upset cuz she’s still too sleepy, even with the pain med reduction. She’s uncomfortable with the tie on her gown back, so she has it open. She’s trying to drink as much as she can cuz she needs protein and nutrition, but didn’t appear to hear the nurse say it’s only for comfort. I’m not sure she understands the doctor either. He told her today, he wasn’t sure she was going to go home. I’m betting she thinks it’s just for a few more days. Plus, she hurts. At least the NG tube is removing all the things she’s taken in. That will keep the nausea down. She won’t let me help her, then she asks me to do something when I’m done fiddling around. (I was taking a blood test at that time.)
I can’t get ahold of Sir Wrench, he’s probably moose hunting. I’ve left voice messages for others and am on the edge of superfluous today. I’m also tap typing this on my iPad, I much prefer a keyboard! I’d really like to see scan results, not that it really matters.
It hurts so much to watch someone die who is afraid of that step. Deep down, I believe she’s scared. She won’t let me say anything and she agrees with people who talk about an end. Yet, she is strong and well loved and has too much to do. (Insert eye roll with that last word!) I would have let go a long time ago, but I’m not afraid. Not of that. Now, if it involved high places or spiders, I’d be terrified.
Blessings today are the flowers mum’s been given. I love this giant dahlia (mom said it was a mum, I’m pretty sure it’s not.). The eucalyptus is refreshing and relaxing, too. Or whatever the green spicy scented filler is!

A Day of Rest

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And on the 7^th day He rested, so did I. Yup, I left mom to the nurses this afternoon again and came home. I did take a book back to the library and stop to get a new bulb for mom’s car. The man who found it at the NAPA store was sweet He offered to install it for me. I said thank you. However, I’ll take it to Sir Wrench on Monday. If I’ve learned anything about a Pacifica, it is a damn ridiculous vehicle to do any maintenance on. I’ll add it to the other Monday things I should do. I need to get that new toilet seat for mom’s bath, stop at the car insurance place to let them know I smacked into one of their other customers, and drop off a few things at the food bank. I’ve got a great deal of food around here that mom will no longer be able to eat and I don’t want or need. I’m not sure if my sister wants any of it, but there are a some things I am sure she won’t take. (although, in retrospect, I think I’ll wait on that last stop. I’ll let Jake choose first.)

Today, after the doctor rounds and another small procedure, I just decided to leave. Mom was falling to sleep while eating and telling me to be quiet when nurses came in, so she could talk. She’s back to her normal self, making sure to ask the professionals about their lives outside of the hospital. They did find a clot in her arm, probably from the picc line. The NG tube is still in her nose, they don’t want to remove it if they’ll need to put it back. The PEG tube is still not working as well as they’d like and when I spoke to mom this evening, she said she asked them to not give her so many pain meds. She said they made her too sleepy. Comfort is not something mom has ever been interested in. (I’m glad I’m not one of her nurses. She’ll say she hurts, she may ask for more meds, and then because she asked them for less, they’ll feel bad they can’t help her.) I was amused. Mom said Jake told her she was glad I ‘stepped up to the plate to be with mom since she would not have been able to do it.’ (She’s right, she could not have done what I have. She doesn’t have the time, not to mention, her spouse is more aggressive than mine-he’d insist mom live with them!) Another member of mom’s church is also in the hospital. He was supposed to have gotten part of his foot amputated last week (diabetes), but they forgot he was on a blood thinner and rescheduled the operation. Today, it was discovered his foot is healing and he may only lose a toe. We were all very happy, but mom took it further. She said if he can get better, so can she. All the reality she was starting to face has turned back to optimism about becoming healed from the carcinoma she hosts. Lord knows, I’d like her to be healed completely. Then, she can be in charge again and I can pick up the thread of my own life and see if it is a snag or attached to a needle.

I think I’d like to find something to do when I return. I’m terrible socially, I prefer being alone, but I can do what I’m told, and like making people comfortable by taking care of them. Cooking or cleaning or most anything. I do not want to go back to the box in Oregon. (Besides, I’ve gotten much bigger since I’ve been home and I think I’ll need a refrigerator sized one. Although, the refrigerator is still a mini….) This last week, I’ve noticed how much more I’ve been eating. Scary. I am going to change that again. (Julie posted a chart that was a bit sobering. Good stuff, but sobering!) Maybe, by the time I leave, I’ll be able to comfortably wear the things I brought up here in Nov of 2016!

It rained today and it was absolutely lovely! I truly enjoy rain, I learned to appreciate it when we lived on the Oregon coast (not the flooding, that is interesting, but messy. And not having it muck up mom’s internet!) Sharing another favorite song from another well-loved musical in my family-compliments of YouTube. (this is the movie Moses is named after!!!)

A day in the life of…

A friend of mine is fond of saying the phrase of my title. It is incredibly apt for today. When I was in my teens I remembered I had a coloring book and one of the pictures struck my fancy. (I’m not sure why I had a coloring book, nor am I sure why I had one where animals were wearing clothes!)  It was a picture of a family of pigs looking at the sky in an annoyed manner with a picnic on a blanket in front of them. Above the family was a raincloud getting ready to pour on them. Every time I looked at it, I laughed. So, I cut it out and taped it on my door with these words I made up to fit the picture. ‘Life is full of worries and woes, just be glad they comes and goes.’ I appear to attract the craziest things and I’m glad they don’t stick around! Let me ‘splain.

First thing this morning, I decided to try hairspray on my hair to see if it would stay a smidge curly if I sprayed it. (I wear my hair in a twist wire thing and sometimes it makes my hair curly) I went outside to do this and firmly pressed the nozzle on the can. It completely coated the inside of my hand.

Second, I chose to wear my new Nike tenny runners that hurt so much. (I’m glad I had a spare set of shoes in the car!)

I got to the hospital thru the fog without Rudolf and found mom is huge with puffiness. (I told her I hoped the doctor would ‘turn down’ the amount of fluids she’s getting and she said he couldn’t because it was giving her water to go in her tummy. I disagreed, but she was really grumpy today) The doctor came in and said he’d lessen her IV intake of fluids and that it had nothing to do with the liquid in her belly. He also decided to put her on a liquid only diet as the pureed food is too thick for her. (he also looked at the fake sausage molded puree and said ‘eeew’ when mom told him it tasted like liverwurst.) I’m glad she is going to be on liquids until her insides completely close or she dies. It will be better than starvation. A person can live years on liquids. Not that she has that long. (maybe) Anyway, the order didn’t get to the cafeteria, so mom got pureed peas with pureed pork patties and taters and gravy. She said it looked better than it tasted and was glad when the nurse came and took it away cuz it was wrong. Mom was given all liquid after that and ‘ate’ almost all of it.

Mom was not impressed that the paperwork I had made up by the lawyer, per mom’s will, also included Jake as a beneficiary. I was going to go and find a notary who might be on duty on a Saturday, but mom said not today.  I ended up taking a nap before mom’s lunch and finally decided to leave for the afternoon.

I reached the parking lot and realized I forgot to go to the bathroom, when I got back to the parking lot, I carefully backed out of the space and firmly smacked into the tail end of a pretty blue Subaru Forester. The lady was really nice and has the same insurance company mom does. I’ll contact them on Monday. She’s not sure she is going to. It was odd, I didn’t see the car and when I bumped it and it didn’t crunch. It sort of croonched. Plastic is odd stuff.

I very, very carefully drove to the bluff where there was a chance I’d meet a friend. They couldn’t stop for a visit, so I very, very carefully drove to the store. I needed to pick up meds for me and caffeinated soda. I rarely use the self-check section of the store. I should not have today. The poor automated lady telling me what to do got me so flustered, I burst into tears! I eventually was sorted by the cashier for that section and ended up wiping my eyes in the parking lot. I had purchased ice cream again and some got on my thumb, so I licked it off. (It was NASTY tasting, but the ice cream was ok. It appeared something gicky was on my thumb.)

I went to the scout park to sit with dad and was fortunate enough to see beluga again. The swirls in the picture of water are aquatic mammals, those white whales move fast! At the park, I also managed to drip ice cream down my cleavage where it landed under my amethyst!!!!!!! The string is leather, so now it also has chocolate chip mint on it. As I left the park, I was even more careful. This is the area where I almost ran into a lady the other day. (It was a blue car with a little white haired lady, I wonder if it was the same one I hit this afternoon?)

 

 

On the way home, I was thinking I’d stop at the Salvation Army to look for a flannel shirt with orange (remember the one I bought ages ago? Well, I forgot to compensate for my arm thighs and it is too tight.). I noted it was super busy and glanced across the street at a different thrift store I’ve never visited. I saw an orange flash and decided to turn around. Fortuitous!!! I did find an extra-large top and the woman who manages the place is interested in scoping out mom’s house after she’s gone for things for her shop. Vintage or whatever. The shop sort of reminded me of something Ariel from The Little Mermaid might manage. Gorgeous stuff of all kinds with prices from cheap to expensive. My shirt was an entire dollar! The corset I saw was 20 and there were precious metals and semi-precious gems as well as fun agate bracelets for less than 10. It literally had everything in it!

I filled the car with gas, stopped at the post (the package I ordered from a site via FB isn’t in. I hope I didn’t delete the tracking number!), talked to my sister who was surprised mom was so puffy. I ordered a sandwich for dinner (I had veggies and cold chicken for lunch), got to the restaurant and discovered the left headlight on mom’s car is out again. (there must be something wrong with that side. This is the 3^rd time it has needed changed since the start of 2017)

I got home and brushed off the car after dinner (I figured the layer of dirt on the back window probably contributed to me not seeing that little blue car). The dust was terrible and, after, I noticed my lips and mouth tasted bitter. I even coffed up bitter mucus. I remembered I’d closed the hatch on the car before getting ice cream on my thumb earlier. This made me think something in the soil somewhere was bad. However, I’m not going to do a soil sampling for flavor everywhere I’ve been lately!

I also decided I’d better get caught up on chores. So I decided to clean in mom’s bathroom. I discovered the toilet needs a new seat cuz hers is broken (I wonder when she was planning on telling me this???) and when I wiped down a part of a wall, I ended up wiping down the entire thing! It is filthy. All the walls and the ceiling are disgusting. I managed to wipe down that one wall so that it isn’t as obvious as if I only did part of it!

I’ve washed clothes, still have one load of mom’s to do. I found the shirt she has been looking for (in the bottom of a basket of clean clothes in her room) and am now ready to take a shower and get some sleep in a while. I spoke to GT via recording and thought it was Friday when it was Saturday. Silly Kris!!!

I also talked to mom. Now the NG tube is plugged. (or that is what she said. I didn’t get to talk to a nurse. They are too busy.) However, she is determined to get home where she can do things. She said she walked quite a bit in her room after I left. (I am dubious of this.) Needless to say, it is going to be a lot different when she returns here. I told her she will always have the tummy tube, (she was hoping they’d take it out, too) and she’ll probably be on liquids until they need to feed her via veins. She wasn’t very happy to hear that.

I’m reading a couple of books. One is another one by Bernard Cornwell and is great fun (of course!) and the other is A Course in Miracles. I had started the lessons, toward the end of the book, but I think I’ll read the book first. It seems like the simple lessons are much more difficult than I anticipated. Maybe if I read the book, I’ll be able to understand the lessons better. Besides, it makes sense to read before doing lessons!

Please know I follow via email. I drool (Gary), laugh (Garfield Hugs and Little Fears), am frustrated with your trials (Dewy), understand (Rhapsody), appreciate (Will), enjoy (Jack), and learn (the Amanda’s, SE, Julie, The Pacific Paratrooper and more!). Thank you so very much for being in my circle of life. I’ll leave you with a song from a rather obscure and incredibly fun movie starring Robin Williams. (and thank you YouTube!)

Changes

I think it has been a while since my last posting. I have been trying to decide if it is something I should keep doing and finally realized I enjoy this. Blogging is sort of a crutch in that I use this forum to vent, it is also a community of friends and I enjoy you. I follow posts from my email, but it isn’t quite the same as the interaction online. Most of those I’m around are medical folk, retail people, and mom’s pets.  While animals are nice to have around, but they don’t really respond unless your care for them is late. (Obi tends to wake me 20 min before my 6 am alarm to go outside. Mittens just tries to trip me on the stair, which is a typical cat thing.)

This month mom has been in and out of the hospital and is now in again. She’s been here for almost a week. She had a thing called a PEG tube put in to help release the guck in her tummy so she wouldn’t throw up anymore. (I’ve learned those are usually for feeding, but this one is for releasing tummy guck. I am pretty sure those words are professional terms!) It didn’t work as well as it was hoped and the other night she had to have an NG tube put in. (that goes thru her nose) She has also gotten a PICC line (which is entirely cool. It is an IV line that goes from her upper arm into her chest area.).

The doctors have told her she can no longer eat for nutritional value. Unfortunately, no one has appeared to communicate this with the nutritional staff here. They keep bringing her trays of pureed stuff that is rather dubious in appearance. (A pureed diet is one that takes a whole cooked item, like a pancake, purees it, and then forms it into a shape.) Before she wasn’t allowed food anymore, she said it didn’t taste very good. So, I reckon they blend the flavor out. Mom did say the peaches and pears weren’t too bad. (below are scrambled eggs and a pancake with fruit) I’m not entirely sure what is next. She did have almost two applesauce cups (one had crushed oral meds) on Thursday night and Friday morning, but it is all she’s had in more than 24 hours. The nurse who came in as I was typing said the food she has been brought is for comfort. Personally, if I am going to get comfort food, I’d want something comforting even if it was harder to process!

Mom is looking forward to getting out of here because she has things she wants to get done. I don’t know how I’ll care for her at home. She did say on Sunday night that she was sick and some thoughts were given to having a hospital bed set up in the living room. One of her nurses seems to feel, given time, mom will be up and doing what she wants. Others are not so optimistic. How long can a person live on air and bags of fluid?

I’ve been driving back and forth and taking care of mom’s critters. My sister has been to see mom a couple of times and has let Obi out when she gets off work in the afternoon. I’ve dashed to the beach for a bit for sunsets, I’ve seen beluga whales, moose, swan, and was abducted by a friend from the past for a couple of hours. (it was nice to catch up with people’s lives. FB is a good place for photos and notifications, but listening adds depth.) GT and Podman have been huge blessings with their texts and emails and voice recordings. While getting into mum’s car in the hospital parking lot, I found a bachelor button. It was growing in an odd place and I had to smile at the fortune stuck in the debris nearby. It is fun to find wonderful things in this world of ours!