I have never been a person who wanted to be the main attraction in a group, I am a behind the scenes sort. I watch, wait, wonder. I usually don’t mind that. I get my hands dirty helping others reach their goals and dreams, while mine don’t exist anymore. It’s ok. Most of the time. I know I am where my heart and soul belong right now, Alaska. I’m not really a part of anything here, though. Other than making sure mum survives another day, week, month. Yes, it is important. But, once again, I am a peasant, or is it a pawn? Not being a chess sort, I am not sure if that is correct! I’m not really sacrificing anything. I am choosing to give up myself for mum. It is what I always do, give and whine in those behind the scenes. When anyone sees me, they want to know about mum. Rarely does anyone ask how I am and I’m always surprised. I don’t answer fine. I usually tell them, ‘I am doing as well as can be expected.’
Mum is the most important person though. She always has been and always will be. Many people seem to find it uncomfortable to visit with me here, I’m too cynical! I almost always leave the room when visitors arrive. It is better that way. When people ask how she is, I tell them, ‘Mum is maintaining.’ She looks and acts quite fine and others think I focus on the bad side too much. I probably am. Of course, they don’t see her whimper in her sleep. They don’t get her up at 4 am and change fittings for her. They don’t see her totter on her pins. They don’t record over 300 blood sugars 3 tests in a row (or more). What is important is her attitude. She has no depression or anxiety. Nor is she concerned about much more than getting well as soon as she can.
I sound ungrateful, huh? I shouldn’t be. I have had friends contact me to meet them somewhere a couple of times, I’ve seen two whole movies (granted, it was leaving her during that last one when she fell!), and had at least a couple of excursions out since the beginning of Dec. I always get to leave to go shopping and do errands and I have my own place in the basement, even if she would rather I was upstairs for her to talk to!
I know if I wasn’t with mum all the time, I could do more things. People know not to ask because I am so wrapped up in her. It is so funny, though–this is EXACTLY my life in Oregon. I am wrapped up in other people and no one ever really sees me. I have had several people tell me they miss me. Yet, none of them say hello when I am there. Crazy world, huh?