changed?

It is the eve of my ..(ok, I need to do math. 1965 minus now..57. YIKES!!!!) close to 60th birthday, and was curious. Have I changed? Change must happen or we stagnate. As a kid there were a few pools I’d found that were nasty, smelly, not moving water. I don’t want to be that. Not nice to be around. The aroma a person leaves should be pleasant. Like baking bread or chocolate chip cookies or petrichor (not bacon, that scent often reminds me of two things. Delicious and ‘now I need to clean up the greasy mess left behind’!).

My eyes have changed and looking ahead, I cannot WAIT to get new glasses. I can see great driving and the cheaters are good for books, but to look at a computer screen, I need my old spectacles and they hurt!! Most of last year seemed to surround vision. (Pun????) Being sick last March made me more aware of how easy it is to get sick, even when you think you are being careful. Knowing The Craftsman is only now getting back his sense of taste and smell makes me aware of how fragile so many of our 5 senses are and how they are taken for granted. Starting the class about Boundaries made me notice I have lived in a yard made of opinion (mostly mom’s) and that I need to move on and into my own fenced area. One I can open or close gates to and hope drones don’t fly overhead.

This year was the first one in many I’ve stayed in the states and that was hard. But, a blessing cuz of the eye things. I’ve spent a LOT of money on things someone else could have helped with and that statement made me realise something else.

Ages ago I learned a phrase that I figured was just one of those parental things and a nice sentiment. If you can’t say something nice about someone to their face, don’t say it to anyone else.” (ok, that doesn’t sound right…but, am sure you get the idea!) This place has been a screaming whining angry sharing spot. I have bitched over and over about mom and relationships and I am so thankful I could talk to someone, but it wasn’t nice of me to do that. I knew mom wouldn’t let me say 99% of those things to her, so I should have just kept it to myself. I apologise for sharing rude and icky Kris bits. Like toffee in a chocolate bar, but not as yummy.

Today, February 1, (May not get this published til after, I need to add photos) I wrote a card to some friends going through cancer and covid at the same time (it didn’t get sent, it is in my bag and ready to, but drove right on past the post and forgot it!), made puff pastry for cream puffs for the very first time and gave some away, bought Papa’s Pizza for dinner tonight (guys love that stuff) and one had Canadian Bacon on it (because I like it!), read part of an AMAZING wonderful grand book that was recommended to me by a librarian friend up north (Annie Spence’s Dear Fahrenheit 451: ) that was checked out of our library, got the kitchen tidied, a meal set up for The Craftsman to take to his mom, and wondered if the heated seat cover he bought me can be used in the living room on a chair too close to the wall? (I asked for Paperlike for the iPad I can’t use fully yet since apple still hasn’t decided I’m me, so they can send me the link to make a new password as the old one was silly long because I was clueless to how to use one of those contraptions. He forgot that was what I wanted!) Little Bear unloaded most of the dishes for me (forgot he had said he didn’t do the silverware and added more after dinner, so those will need rewashed. Or maybe he only left in the spatula stirring things and did unload the silver. No matter, it will wash again!) AND gave me a hug. He also put gas in the rig, but since he had driven it a lot, that was only fair!

Little Bear wanted ground hog for Ground Hog Day, so that is tomorrow (oddly, it looks like it might snow. At the moment, there are only a couple of flakes.…) and I am NOT going to get the angel cake this year. His birthday is on Friday, so that is going to be great fun. I’ll wrap up his gifts this week. Most of the rest of the month are little treats for The Craftsman (because it is February and I adore giving gifts), sending out Valentine’s to anyone in my world that I can, and packing away some winter décor and adding more for Valentine’s Day. The wreath is an amusing almost not exactly right project. It is way too busy, but most of the fabric is from mum (some she made into clothes for me) or things I’ve made. So, nostalgia.

Nostalgia. Looking back from the crossroads of today, but realising that one must not stay in yesterday. There are a million tomorrow’s just waiting to be experienced. And even if there aren’t quite a million, embrace what you are given. And to celebrate The Year of the Tiger falling on my birthday:

Short

Just a short post…and the layout looks different from my last one. GRRRR. Changes are grand, except in technology!!! Will soldier on.

The last month was a month of medical madness. My mammogram came through clear, so that was a plus. My eye doctor got me slated for cataract surgery (just before Christmas), so that will be an awesome Christmas gift (one I have to pay for, but still!). Visited an orthopedic doctor who, in the notes I could read online, said this about me: “an overweight, short statured, middle aged woman.” He also injected cortisone into my right knee, even though he didn’t see much distress on my part. That was horrid. My glucose has gone from a perfect A1C to not very good at all. (Wish he’d reminded me the shot would raise my blood sugars.) However, it has made me think more about my shape. Well, that and the class on boundaries I’m taking. One of the things I have little control of is my weight. Betting if that is lessened (although, 50 pounds seems like a lot), my aches will also be minimised. So, have decided to drop my insulin intake…thus making sure the little eaten won’t mean low blood sugars and putting more carbs into myself to raise it so being dizzy and out of sorts doesn’t happen. It is a vicious circle. When I came home after one of my visits this last month, wasn’t wearing a Freestyle sensor. It had died and since my appointment was early in the morning, opted to put it on later (It had been replaced not 12 hours before the reader told me to replace it because it wasn’t working. So, being mad, decided to wait.) BAD idea. Within less than an hour my glucose went from moderately ok to so low my driving was erratic and confused. Ok, the driving wasn’t confused, I was. Needless to say, that day, overtreated the low and was sicker than a dog with highs. Stupid.

Halloween happened (speaking of sugar!) and 56 kids came by. Two showed up in absolutely traditional costumes. Sheets with eyeholes! Some were teens, but they all took both a treat and a sweet. (Had stickers and small items like tiny bubbles and what not to go with the candy) Best part of the afternoon was attending the movie Dune part one. So freaking much fun!!!!! If you are unfamiliar with the book, you may be startled. It ends about where the two year break happens in the novel. Thankfully, it will be picked up again…in two years! I sat grinning under my mask and clapped like a crazy person when it was over. The only person in the few in attendance who seemed thrilled enough to express delight audibly. Thankfully, didn’t hear any negative responses, so that was grand. I’d might have tried to change people’s minds! (Ms. Monster was one who was upset, but she was in TX and so have only communicated online!)

Almost time to make dinner. Had a small dry salad with ham bits and 5 ritz crackers for lunch. Later had a graham cracker with a smear of wow butter for a snack. As much as food is fun and the holidays will suck if I curb eating, it may be the way it is to avoid ingesting it. At least the guys will enjoy the creations! (Thankfully, all the kit kats are gone!!!)

Next post will be more interesting with photos!

Middles

This is sort of a middling sort of post. Lots of good things and some thoughtful and some uncomfortable. (Actually, those are the thoughtful ones!)

First, I’m excited to announce, Nicole is blooming!!!!!!!!!!!! One of the clusters is showing flowers and they are so sweet. It seems odd the plant has two long vines and the flowers only on the ends of the incredibly sprawling vine. But, it is a lovely plant and I’m thankful to see how much growth it has had in the months of my adopting it. I like how these don’t seem to be a typical geranium blossom. They are perky and look fragile, but they are not.

A few things have been done around the house. With the season taking a change towards winter, outside plants need moved in and the sunflowers are tall black stalks of dead summer. They are usually moved before a frost, but the frost was a bit faster than anticipated. (YIKES!!! for some reason the power just blinked and I forgot that even though the machine wasn’t plugged in…it was using the internet, which was! Power is so important in our world.) At any rate, The Craftsman made a cute little shelf for his succulents. Hoping they will survive this time. The grow light didn’t work as well as anticipated. Little Bear, while up in the woods, found a basilisk fang. OK, it is really a spike elk shed. But, it sure LOOKS like a basilisk fang. Now, he just needs to find a horcrux. (or not!) The most amusing thing from getting ready for winter was when a pot of petunias was moved inside. As it was put onto a hook, it fell, the pot broke to bits, and the flowers were discombobulated. They were purple flowers, too! (Oh, no! Not again!)

I also picked the absolute last of the few yard flowers. Was sad the sweet pea vines died on the mesh, but they should have gotten their act together and grew when they were supposed to!! Also bought some cool looking mums. They are called a football bronze mum..or was it bronze football? Anyway, they looked festive and fun. Not exactly bronze. More of a reddish brown. The large size was also a winning factor in buying them. They are still with me, more than a week after this photo. Granted, they are shedding a few petals and starting to look seedy! (note: why is something old called the negative phrase of ‘looking seedy’? seed heads are stunning!)

Was given two gifts recently. One was a rather unusual gadget that I’m not entirely sure is as handy as it looks. To boil an egg takes about 12 minutes. This gadget takes about the same amount of time or a smidge longer. Perhaps the handy part is that there is a musical timer to let you know when they are done and it is a really pretty color. My eggs were not totally hard, but I only cooked three in the machine. The directions say you can cook 1 or 6. One cracked down from the tiny hole you are supposed to make in the shell, but since they were getting peeled, it wasn’t an issue!

Lastly, if you have followed me for any time, you know I often become a doormat. I whine (in here) a lot. In real time worlds, I hide my feelings. I’ve left my heart home to move to a spot I’m not comfortable in, even after a decade. I’ve been a responsible person since about age 6 or younger and in spite of the fun kid moments, ‘I didn’t get to feel the world around me.’ This song (the gift), is a response to Adele’s fans about her divorce. She did not say what I heard.Yet, the beauty of music is it means something to anyone who hears it. Interpretation is often not what an artist wants to have done to his or her work (recall reading a synopsis of a story. In it was a psychological discussion on why the author made the curtains in a particular room blue. The author finally said, ‘I like blue!‘) However, with this one, I did. Am reading some books about boundaries and reading again ‘Gifts of Imperfections’. Am not entirely sure where these will take me, yet they are needed journeys. I need to learn to trust, to accept mankind in face to face life, and this will be hard. Adele’s song had her leaving a house and driving away. I left mum’s and it was horrid. (her loss of phone reception is also perfect. Not only do I now own a phone where I ‘don’t need to stand on the roof in a foil hat’ as Ms Monster referenced!! Losing reception shows being alone. Plus, I detest dropped texts. They are NOT fair!) The driving away and seeing happy all around is another spot on. Losing the music sheets is also what I see of me. My story or song has been scattered to the winds and some pages may be picked up and change a life or start a fire or make a person laugh. Yet, it will never been seen again (unless it is online…..there it will remain forever!). I was in tears as I listened to this haunting story song. Am hoping to find the courage Berne Brown shares in her book…courage to speak ones mind by telling all one’s heart. I can in here, and could to the real people I’ve come to love from knowing them here, but people in my neighborhood? I may have grown up with Sesame Street, but not on it!!! I need to ‘go easy on myself‘ as I learn to become open. That is super hard to do sometimes. Often.

Easy on Me, via YouTube.

Crushed

In my previous post I mentioned the bunnies were old enough to not be checked super constantly. Well, I was wrong. When I went out close to noon on Monday, one had gotten out (they often hang on to the mama’s teats when she jumps out of the box..OUCH!) and ended up stuck in the cage’s wire mesh. So, it didn’t survive. I was crushed. Left with the responsibility of littles and I blew it! I’m normally VERY responsible with small creatures from kids to animals. Today, I’m going out every couple of hours to check on them. Mom is a bit stressed, well, all the rabbits are. The city is laying asphalt today and, good lord, is it a nasty odor!!! No one likes it and even the few things hung outside will most likely need tumbled with a dryer sheet to cut the scent. UPDATE: Little Bear just told me he wasn’t sure how maternal that particular doe would be. She’s the one that growls at anyone who passes her cage and bites and lunges with her front paws if you change out her water dish. She’s not the nicest bunny in the bunch!

Then, while washing laundry, I managed to lose two socks. One of mine and one belonging to The Craftsman. How ridiculous! Often I put the ‘found’ sock back into the basket to see if eventually the mate is discovered. It usually works! But I’ve never lost two mates before. (OK, that just sounds odd!!)

Thankfully, my chocolate chocolate chip zucchini bars with chocolate glaze turned out perfect. I had no idea zucchini came in two colors. This one is yellow and was told the yellow ones are a bit sweeter than the green. They do look prettier and it isn’t as daunting in the bars to see yellow bits.

Not responsible..sort of.

Have been thinking a lot about mum. Friday will be the day she died and I realised I’m still very angry with her. Not for dying, but for not taking care of so many things I had to do and am still having to do. That quote from Patricia Briggs is still so apt, “Just because you have a connection to a thing, you are not necessarily responsible for its actions.” (The thing and it being mum.)

I am absolutely thankful I got to be home for so very long. I am glad I was able to take care of her and the little I managed to do before her death (because walking into it fairly blind would have been beyond hellish!). I was blessed by having the ability to do some things I’d never done before (meet dogsled owners and mushers, have a bra fitting done, do whatever I wanted with little or no consequences, get a modern cell phone, and more). I was thankful to be needed, even if I wasn’t always wanted and was more than often frustrated beyond belief, in a way I’ve never been needed before.

Yet, I am still angry. Because I was connected and willingly took that responsibility and found it a lot larger than anticipated. So, yeah. Not fair to be angry with mom, it was my choice to tell dad when he died that I’d take care of everything and later pick up that ball mom dropped..or ignored. I was made to fix things (well, not mechanical stuff or technology or injuries to the house that need mended–bathtub or windows-or yard things that require tools with power behind them!). So, I do, if it is at all possible.

Every single day I am reminded of how I need to forgive her. But, is it that I need to forgive myself? For not being the daughter I should have been by taking care of more, by not pushing that stubborn woman to do things she should have done, and by fixing things only half assed? (which, when you think of it is a very odd phrase..does it mean your pants aren’t pulled up all the way or what??? Sorry, digression is an old person thing!) Forgiveness is so important in a person’s life. There was a time when I let go of an anger with a friend, who is now, once again, a best one. It is a bit of a disturbance in my force!!!

I decided I wanted to write out mum’s journal type books into a accessible form. Because history isn’t just what you find via google or Facebook or in a class. It is all those bits and pieces that help create someone. I’m barely through the second week of September of ’94 and there is so much I cannot figure out. And there are so many more years to transcribe!!! It looked like a fun project, but it may be more than I can chew! Taking tiny bits at a time, mostly because mom’s handwriting was from a period when handwriting was taught and used through college. (Hers is super loopy!!!) Perhaps when I get further along, I’ll understand her more and be more able to get why she put so much off til someone else could try to finish it.

My sister, Jake, is often meeting people who have used fabric or material from mum or even completely unfinished projects mum left behind. Being separate from home, I don’t see that.

Maybe today is so hard because I miss the inlet, the scent of the water, the lake, the smell of wet leaves in moss when walking in the woods, the sight of towering mountains with termination dust (first snow), the echoing chuckle of ravens, and when I hear high overhead the sound of sandhill crane migrating south, I cry inside. It makes sense that today I’ll terminate my contract with the Alaskan cell company-hoping to keep my Alaskan number!! Another closure of home.

An invitation to stop and listen

This information is not mine. It was gleaned (for the most part) from NPR articles that will have links attached. The information is because of an intense discussion conducted with my family about the current US POTUS. They don’t like the man, but they like what he’s done and voted for him. So, asked them to convince me why he had been so good for our country. They didn’t have much time, because they were headed to meetings (it was a dinner discussion), but Little Bear cited an article on T and racism and how he wasn’t. Curious, I also looked after they left, and found some thoughts I felt worth sharing.

Now, the current US POTUS is an interesting character. In an article I didn’t actually complete my reading of because it got too technical, even for a gal with a basic college education, I learned something I felt was curious. The society of today likes to be entertained. They enjoy the messier bits of reality TV and seem to prefer a fast pace o anything visual where results are in a short time. There is an appeal in T with this. He has gotten some things accomplished (his first term was rather changing in the conservative movement of the US, because he axed many things, added others, and pushed through his agenda fairly quick) and absolutely no one has a clue what he’s going to say or do next. He is like a fast moving powerful train on a busy track that hasn’t got a stopping point to actually become a wreck of itself.

After reading Michelle Obama’s book, ‘Becoming’, I realized there was a lot more to being a person in power in the US than most of the biographies I’d read shared. Perhaps, it was because those were biographies and M’s book was autobiography from the side of the president. Reading her book made me realise how complacent I’d become towards the world in general and the US in particular. Granted, most of my time in the last 7 or 8 years has been wrapped up in my mom’s life and debris in a different state where I was disconnected from almost everything but mom, but still, not an excuse!

Looking at T and racism, I learned he was and is not the most racist president the US has had. He couldn’t be, he has no actual slaves. However, three things he has done are call to African nations ‘sh**hole countries’, he was an instigator behind President Obama’s birth in Hawaii not being legal, and he has referred to Mexican immigrants as being ‘rapist’. During one of his ‘debate’s, he touted White Power and The Proud Boys. “In 2020 for a person to be defiant of White Power, that is exceptional”. The article went on to say you could not compare post 60’s presidents to this one or you lose the perspective on why his comments are so dangerous and off center for what we should expect in this period. For past 60’s presidents, we know many were starkly racist in private (Lyndon B. Johnson and Nixon). Yet, there is a difference even there. Nixon, in particular, “understood the importance of governing. He was committed to the idea that the president presides”.

In T’s America First, he’s actually leaving the US on the sidelines. He wanted to use the leverage of the US being #1 in the market and that is waning. Making us ‘Great Again’ or ‘Keeping us Great’ isn’t happening. What was so great about the past? OK, besides 80’s rock and Bugs Bunny and Pac Man? Looking past the trends, I’m kind of fond of progress and normal changes.

Last, I meandered over to election news and started to cry. People encouraging someone else to do violence hurts my soul. During the election itself, a Biden bus had been shoved off the road and T thought it was funny and tweeted for more. Then, just this week, in GA, more of that anger was promoted. It does need to stop. Yes, both sides have broken out in crazy. Both sides have been wrong. But, someone from a place of responsibility needs to take a stand and stop it. Not necessarily police or military, but a voice of reason. Unfortunately, I’m not sure a voice of reason will be heard in this world of liking wound porn (sports injuries) or exciting dissension. However, I’m taking a stand in my spot against it and hope some of my followers will, too.

Let’s invite one another in. Maybe then, we can begin to fear less, to make fewer wrong assumptions, to let go of the biases, the stereotypes that unnecessarily divide us. Maybe we can better embrace the ways we are the same. It’s not about being perfect. It’s not about where you get yourself in the end. There’s power in allowing yourself to be known and heard, in owning your unique story, in using your authentic voice. And there’s grace in being willing to know and to hear others.” Michelle Obama

I tunes

This is more an ‘I’ post. And why I chose Elton John’s song. Life sometimes hurts.

My tummy aches, my head aches, my throat is sore, every so often there is a coff, and my joints hurt. It is probably a cold, but it isn’t much fun. Then, the house money has appeared in my savings account. It sounds good, but it needs to be apportioned out. Yet, little of it will be for me. The house in OR needs to have a lot of the mortgage paid for (Little Bear really thinks all of it is a good idea, because then his dad can save for the future. BUT, I know The Craftsman will not do that, so I’ll pay a poart of it. He says he will do things and doesn’t. He’s been talking about canceling the Dish account for 3 years and finally just paid off the late account again.) Some of the money will go towards mom’s bills and misc things and taxes for her and for me (the house will cost a not so pretty penny. Pretty sure I will NEVER end up gaining more than I give out). The Jukebox Kid still owes me 400$ and the OR house freezer died a few months ago and the desktop the OR household uses doesn’t work as well as it should by freezing (perhaps I can use it for a freezer?!?!?). Now, in addition to the loss of my iPad last winter, my beloved laptop is about to give up the ghost. It also needs a new battery, so I’ll see if one can be found for this 2013 little worn out piece of HP technology. The Craftsman told me to use some of the AK money for myself. I will. Had forgotten, some will need set aside for my cell phone (he’s got TracPhone and that is one plan I seriously do not care for! So, will pay for my own. Although, he robably thinks we should share. He’s been paying for my account since Dec 16, when that stopped working in the north. Granted, it is rarely used in the states, but that and my meds and the lovely gold nugget and jade watch being worked on should be enough of money spent on me.) Mom’s old kindle is a pain in the butt, but it works for the most part, at this time and was told the household kindle is available to use. (Although, I’d need to delete from my account anything “inappropriate”, which is probably a good thing, anyway.) I’d hoped to visit my relatives in MN, but The Craftsman says he won’t go and Little Bear says he has everything he needs right here in EO (he feels well-traveled since the couple of trips to Washington DC and the ones to AK). I suppose that is where I belong, too. The time I had to find myself and the experiences I’ve had are held in beautiful memories. Must keep reminding myself of this. I am not a mama squirrel reaching for unattainable seeds. Or am I???

Squirrel hanging around in the yard.

With the laptop, paper is still a very viable tool. Journals are supposed to be on paper anyway! Plus, it will help me curb my more fanciful thoughts and words since notebooks are everywhere in the house and are easily opened up by anyone. Mum’s laptop is usable. It has been how the taxes were filed the last couple of years, how online banking is done in the house and her journals and datebooks are being put on that. (Slowly….) The photos on my laptop can be transferred to more thumb drives. Many places visited online can also be terminated or put on hold indefinitely.

It is funny. The iPad was a gift that helped me survive the last years of mom’s life. The laptop was a gift my first summer in AK and helped me discover many new things and brought me into WP, also sustaining me while I was north. With the house gone and the car with a potential buyer, all my tangible ties to home are gone. It makes sense the laptop and the iPad are going away, too. I fully expect my cell phone to give up the ghost, soon, too!!! Was sad when my eldest mentioned he’d accidentally deleted our conversation history. It hurts to lose some of those, especially when a person dies. There are two short conversations on mine that belong to dear friends no longer on this side of the sun. They will stay as long as possible. This cute bit I’ll also keep. It is from a friend I was discussing a project Little Bear was doing and the dinner I was making with. Sleep check is sooo annoying!! Lol

All in all, my Tuesday will be busy. Need to call my Alaska bank and see about a phone appointment-perhaps they can help me instead of the one in the city we’ll be passing through on Friday. Several immediate bills need paid and the utilities to the house need terminated. Not sure how to responsibly do that. The realtors told me it’s no longer my responsibility and to just do it. However, my own sense of responsible suggests a need to contact the buyers to let them know so they can get them turned back on ASAP. With the temps up there, an all-electric house without power could freeze fast!! Not to mention, if there isn’t any security on it, someone could get into it. Granted, it is empty, but it is also out in the middle of close to nowhere (not Know Where, as the place where the collector lived. Although, mom was a collector and had a few things of value and lived in an area where natural resources were being mined…..). At any rate, it is a dilemma. Do I ditch being responsible and act in a selfish manner or do I try to figure out how to reach the buyers and let them know? So annoying. I know exactly where they live, I know where their main business is in town, but I don’t have any actual contact information!!! I’ll try to see if I can leave a message at the main place. CRAZY!!

Photo by Markus Distelrath on Pexels.com

Where am I?

One of my hardest things to do is to write without using the word ‘I’. When writing in a journal, it is well-nigh impossible to erase that tiny little word that stands so tall.  So, it is used. Often this blog is called ‘My Unfiltered Facebook’, so it is also where that word is over used. Will try to see where it can be replaced and where not!

At the moment, Oregon is going into a several week lockdown. Almost everyone is angry because it is infringing on their rights to live the way they see they should. There is no reasons for a police state. If I wat to do what I want, I should.  Americans have never been very good at following rules, which is why (in a small nutshell) we broke away from England in the first place!! The good old USA is also, as our local librarian said, ‘going bonkers’. (she is bringing me Michele Obama’s book ‘Becoming’. Which I will keep from Little Bear’s view as he detests anyone on the ‘other side’) I’m also waiting for a book, ‘Election Meltdown’ by Richard Hasen. That one looks fascinating. It intrigues me to follow our current POTUS. He’s so selfish and narcissist and it is so hard to understand why anyone trusts him. Although, one article suggested it is because he is the quintessential white guy and thus he fulfills the manliness of men. Shudder!!! Give me a man like Bond!!! (almost any of the Bond actors would be nice!)

The last weeks have been difficult. One of my dearest friends from the north unexpectedly died. The one who kept me the last night in my hometown. Who had the cool creepy glow in the dark angel that was shared a blog post or so ago. She gave me a chocolate chip cookie recipe that has been made 3 times since my return to the states. Twice since her death. Tasty little treat legacy.

Sent my sister a treasury check from the post office for her birthday, she’s not responded. In all honesty, there is a good chance she’s not checked her mail. (it is a cluster box about 20 feet from her drive) It was sent before the 4th. The house in AK had another extension filed, but yesterday sent off MORE notarized papers to the title office. By this time next week, it might be a done deal.

It has been educational. The last time a title exchange was made, with me as a participant, it was in an office and involved two of us. Most of my actions were listening and signing when told. So, a lot of this was new to me. Thank goodness for the internet!! (The Craftsman wasn’t exactly sure on many of the questions that came up, either.) One of the oddest things was something called a FedWire Routing Number. Now, on every checking account there is a routing number, had no idea they were the same for each branch AND that there was a different one for something called a wire transfer. If the wrong one was written, they’ll contact me to let me know and more pages will need faxed back and forth!! Once it is a done deal, then the power company and security company and the phone company can be notified. A relator friend reminded me to do that as soon as possible. She told me it is amazing how many people take advantage of a person who hasn’t disconnected utilities yet.

The weather here has definitely dropped into autumn. Not the vibrant dress of late summer (as in the first photo-my friend who died gave me that bra. comfy and cute), but the stark lines of almost winter. The trees have been now stripped by high winds and water is dripping from limbs like ink from too wet calligraphy. There was snow, the neighbor’s down the way had their kids build a snowman. It was about 4 and a half feet tall before it melted into the grassy sward. Perfect outdoor exercise! Building snowpeople is one of my favorite things, unless I’m under the weather. Which has been the case. Between glucose and some kind of cold and tired to bits and achy, staying inside and doing a few household chores is about it. Plus, missing my friend.

It is odd. Losing her is harder than losing mom. Granted, this lady was much nicer than mom. She helped me, commiserated with me, and encouraged me. She would also tell me grieving is important, but then, if she was here right now, she’d laugh and tell me to suck it up, buttercup and live. Ran across this quote on a pancreatic page from FB. “We are not promised tomorrow, so let’s love with all our hearts today.” It needs amended to this, “We are not promised tomorrow, so let’s live and love with all our hearts today.”

Selfish.

Being a selfish human being, I understand why people are. We like what we want and tend to go out of our way to get it. Yet, it isn’t a nice trait to have. My writing a blog about myself is selfish. It started, as many of you know, because of mom. Now, I just write.

mom and my sister’s old dog.

I’ve been avoiding FB due to the upcoming election in the US and popped online for a moment and found my sister’s dog had been put down. But, I was confused. She had told me weeks ago they were going to do this and then I see her post shared from a lost and found pets page talking about horrible injuries! So, I sent a message and she called. To tell me that he had been run over in the road (the dog LIVED in the road and people stopped to give him treats or honk or yell) by someone who gave him a treat and then the dog had bled out in the yard, so they took him in because he couldn’t do much but drag around on his front legs. Confused, I asked how come they took him to a vet if he’d bled out. Well, it appears it was just seriously bleeding for four hours and he wasn’t eating or drinking and his bones were crushed in a paw. She then told me Gigman didn’t want to add to 2020 by having the dog put down and since their daughter was having her wisdom teeth out, it was just too much for this year. But, after they did, FB ‘blew up’ over it. I asked why she posted the old dog’s passing on such a public venue, because that is probably why it ‘blew up’. She then said the dog was a community dog and people in FL who visited would ask about the dog online. I suggested a sign saying the dog was gone would have been less stressful, but she said people would come in the drive and honk to give out treats or ask how they were (she has two) and FB is the fastest way to share information. Then, she got pissed at me for trying to understand why she was upset at how fast it spread after sharing it online and hung up. I’m sorry the dog was finally put down, I should not have tried to understand her point of view, and I should have been more caring and reasonable. Especially as the responsible older sibling. She already sees me as selfish because I didn’t leave her the car and the house is in my name. Now, I’m even more awful.

My fancy new sensor failed this morning. A bit more than 24 hours before the 14 days. However, I understand why. I’d caught my arm in doors twice and the door of the freezer section in a store once and snagged the sensor on a towel once. I find it funny I go through doors now trying to keep my shoulders in, when I’m not exactly The Rock. It is nice to have it gone for now. I’ll see if I can afford more.

The house is still pending. I e signed another extension. I’m trying to get the guys to plan out their next month instead of waffling along saying they have to do things and not getting them done. I tend to not be incredibly organised, so I’m not sure why I want them to try it. I reckon it is cuz I get frustrated with their whining about not having time to get things done. Someday it would be nice to not be so responsible. (I am not getting the laundry done today, Little Bear hasn’t quite got his done yet and I am waiting it out. I did put his dishes in the dishwasher so I could run those…)

Then, there is the most selfish man of all, hell bent on another term in office. Apparently, he’s well liked by most men. Not entirely by all women. This person has polarized our country so much there are marriages and families and friendships that have been torn asunder. It is like being in a modern civil war. Where is grace or forgiveness or gentleness in mankind when it comes to religion or politics? Is that core of selfish so strong within that we don’t see sunsets or the petals in a flower or the flavors in chocolate?

Mon’s photo from when I was probably 8.

I am Dandelion-hear me roar!

I just finished an absolutely wonderful story. Amelia 1868 is a ghost story full of searching and betrayal and love and forgiveness. I have had it on my ‘to read’ list for several years and never managed to get to it. I was going to read it on the plane coming back from AK, but was sidetracked by my own longings for a place I didn’t want to leave. I finally started it and had a hard time putting it down. Oddly, there were some bits that didn’t mesh properly (like how the main character had this great dog that every so often vanished in the story line, when it had been rollicking along with the character page after page), but it was ok. The author once in a while uses the same words in subsequent paragraphs (‘While I no longer’ and then a bit later, ‘While I no longer.’), but it wasn’t horrible. I also had to read the last few pages a couple of times to make sure I was reading it properly. The two main characters suddenly became the main character ghosts, as well as themselves, and even if it was odd, it worked! Yet, the one thing that kept coming past me was love and forgiveness. In fact, in the last sentences, the author wrote this, “I’ve learned that forgiveness is the key to letting go and freeing oneself of the burdens of the past.” Which I happen to agree with myself.

good heavens, I feel OLD!

Driving today, I was thinking about the different kinds of love there are. I didn’t focus on the Greek words or even muskrats, but wandered into my own ideas. I wondered if I had been a zombie lover. The kind of person who walks around blindly, roughly grabbing love from any and every one and then tossing more love away like confetti hearts before blithely walking on. I don’t want to be one of those.

I then thought about my favorite yard flower, the true DYF (Damn Yellow Flower). So often our yards are infested with yellow flowers of dandelion like origin, but only a few thousand are actually the wonderful not-weeds-to-me I love. (there is that word again!) I started smiling as I was driving and decided I need to be more like a dandelion! A simple, bright coin of petals (not always wanted, but always there!) nestled and thriving almost anywhere possible. A plant that can be used for medicine or food or picked by little hands and given as a gift. Eventually, these golden buttons on a green waistcoat turn into magical fairy orbs that burst apart with a breath to land and make more! Wouldn’t that be a wonderful way to love and be? To spread love with a breath, to be love that glows and gives in so many ways, to be ordinary and magical in different seasons, and to be there when needed.

This morning I was feeling a bit useless again. It is like I came back to Oregon to cook and clean and bake (a totally different kind of cooking!!) and I’m tired. I so wanted to sell the house and use a portion of it for me. It will and it won’t. When I said, a bit jokingly, that I could use the money I’ve been paying house bills in AK with for my meds, The Craftsman agreed and said it would help. The laptop I brought back from AK (mom’s) is being used for ‘important’ things since all the other technology is a bit aged and not compatible with tax or banking programs. I had wanted to use it to type mom’s dozens of journals into. I probably still can, it just will have other things on it. The house needs a new large freezer (Little Bear lost 7 containers of ice cream at one go. He was a bit upset! Photo is of the upstairs freezer one year, before I objected to having no room for venison. He now keeps the frozen sweets at his grandma’s. A few blocks away!) and I’ll probably need to buy that. At least, I am going to pay for the fixing of my watch. Not sure when I’ll get it back, but I can wait. It isn’t exactly a useful watch, but unlike the most wonderful K’ixie thigh highs I purchased before leaving AK, I can wear this most anytime!

I wasn’t chosen for the jury I thought I’d be chosen for. The labs I was supposed to get today will end up being done next week, I can’t just drop in. (the physician was very annoyed, ‘You may have a UTI and you have to wait until next week to pee in a cup???’) No one came home until very late for the very excellent dinner I made (Little Bear insists it needs sent to a lab to find out what proportion of spices I added, since I just added and didn’t measure). They left again to visit Grandma, it is her birthday. (I did suggest things they could get Grandma and I made her a cake. I didn’t want to go up. She’s never really forgiven me for marrying her beloved son. Although, she loves the grandsons!)

However, I imagine I am not entirely useless. I am a dandelion and I will glow and grow and infest your yard with forgiving bright joy. No matter how often you step on me or mow me or pull me up, I’ll be there!!! ! (NOTE: I’ve probably written this same post once before! Lol