She has gone

It’s been more than 12 hours and a million years.
Mum finally relaxed enough for her body to let go about 1130 Monday morning. My sister stayed for a bit longer, then went home cuz my youngest niece was….upset by the news. I was there through the cleansing and til the men came from the mortuary. My aunt and cousin walked out with me and headed to my sister’s. I went to see a friend in one of the offices and bawled all over her scrub top.
When I got back to my car, I ugly crying drove to the park where dad’s bench is. I was supposed to meet someone for lunch, but I didn’t want to eat. At the park, I didn’t know TnT had followed me from the hospital. He’d been working near there and just finished when I left. I had been texting and calling so many people. A brief line to him was among my messages. At the park, I cried more and dropped to my knees and bawled on dad’s bench. I was so glad to be free, but I’m so lost. TnT held me and, thankfully, helped me up off the ground after. He also checked on me later today.
The person I was supposed to meet wanted to see me, then said she’d follow me home. I guess I looked a bit crazy. I stopped at the post and my pancreatic cancer T had arrived. I’ve been wearing it ever since. Eventually, I got to the house and after a bit of a chat, my following friend left. I took a shower and went to sleep. Strider had talked to me just before and said he’d call after work to see if I’d eaten.
I’ve rested and talked to so many people. I’m still incredibly tired and so bereft. I’d called The Craftsman right after mum died and talked for a minute, he was working. So was Little Bear. The Craftsman texted me a while ago. He said ‘Good night, love. Have a restful night.’ I’ve extensively texted another medical worker friend this evening and she reminded me to drink something.
Obi is noticeably upset, Mittens slept with me til I didn’t get her dinner when she wanted and drew a bloody line across my big toe, and I’ve had a piece of bread with some lunch meat and some water.
Her leaving was so mom. I’d just been sitting near her to take a blood test when my cell rang. It was from my dentist about my appointment on Tuesday. I left the room to take the call, returned and started to sit with my aunt. She turned, saw mom and told me to call the nurse. About that time the skies opened up with rain blowing sideways. Then, it cleared and part of the sky was black and part beautiful and sunny. In another hour or so, the wind hit and power was knocked out all over the place. It was almost as if mum was mad about her body giving up!
As I said, I’m glad it’s over. There’s much left to do. And then, then, who needs me?

I am sad-

I am sad because, after the brief interlude of sunshine during lunch (we didn’t go in to the luncheon mum was to attend, she was in a great deal of pain), the rest of the day went pretty much as the morning had. Horrid.

I am sad because I spoke to a friend and found bruises all over her arms, from her husband’s dog. A dog his daughters gave to him and he cannot control and who ate one of the medicines he is supposed to take. A whole bottle. And her expensive bracelet when she was jumped upon. (and this is just today!) I am sad because on my long drive to get mum’s prescription, I realized how expendable bobbers are. I am sad because I am alone in the caring for my mum and it hurts. A lot. I am sad because I wasn’t trusted to be strong enough to realise I didn’t really need someone I depended on. I am sad because I had no freaking idea a debit card with a visa stamp wasn’t both. (That one also made me feel like an idiot.) I am sad because the line at the first store I visited was very long and I’d left my book in the car. I am sad because when I used the bathroom at the store where I dropped off mum’s prescription, there was what I hope was water on the floor in the stall. I am sad because I CRIED out in public, in the sunshine, while sitting on the bench with my dad’s memorial plaque on it. (it isn’t easy for me to cry, tough people can’t.) I am sad because I don’t want to keep doing what I am doing and I’m tired and daddy can’t do a damn thing from his side of the curtain. I am sad because when I left the park where dad’s bench is, I delicately put the pointed toe of my best dress boots into dog crap. (In the park where there are clearly marked baggies for pet refuse.) I was so sad I ate all the servings in the bag of mini chocolate covered hostess donuts. (6 servings of 3 donuts each) I was sad when I drove past the lake where the swans hang out and didn’t see them. I was sad when I drove past the Senior Center where mum used to go, because she doesn’t go there anymore and she is forgotten. I was sad because there is a dinner coming up and we won’t be there. I want to do something fun and slightly fancy. (OK< that is just whining. I’ve had the chance to watch two movies in the theatre and two at a friend’s since last November and fancy is not something most people think to do with me, even if I could go! I’m ordinary and a bit immature and I HAVE had two ‘fancy’ sorts of experiences. Once around my birthday and one last November.) I am sad because when I made dinner, I dropped two pieces of fried halibut on the floor (mum’s dog was very pleased!).

However, besides the sun break around lunch time, there were a few other bits of good things scattered in the day. When I met my friend with the bruised arms, I also got to squeeze hands with one of the postal workers..thru a mail box! (I felt quite like I was being introduced to a roving female ‘Thing’ from the Addams Family). At the first store I went to, two VERY nice ladies waited in line while I dashed to grab two movie size boxes of Jr. Mints. The two young men ahead of me were also incredibly kind, and funny. (I guess those good things came in twos!) In the bathroom of the second store, there was one paper towel container still holding paper towels. While I was at the park, a man was listening to music and when he quietly broke into song, it wasn’t off key. I decided I didn’t need to go to the bank and get a credit card, the man at the rental place said I could use mum’s if I had POA papers. (I don’t think I could get a card by Monday anyway) I was able to clean off my boot thoroughly with one of those floss tooth picks when I got home. I got to text a friend for a bit. My fried halibut was ok, mum didn’t complain about it to me. (HOOORAY!) I read outside for 30 minutes after dinner, it was too cold to stay out past 730. (I had forgotten my coat and something to sit on.) But, I came inside and finished my book.

So, even with the ridiculous things that happen in a day, you just gotta count the positive ones. No matter how small. Otherwise, you are going to roll over in the waves and drown.

I am a Rock

Simon and Garfunkel sing a song wherein many of the lyrics seem to fit me. ‘I am a rock, I am an island.’ I do want to cry-sometimes. I do feel pain-sometimes. I know, however, I have to be that rock and island. I have to be the strong one. Alone and facing the storm. I am a cynic when it comes to relationships, anyway. Which makes it hard to accept real time caring. I do a great deal of reading and some of writing, creating worlds of my own. Yet, when it comes down to it, the rock and island are me.

I do have some good friends and a spouse and kids. Yet, they have their own lives, I’m not really a part of theirs. I am the tide waters on the edges of their personal lands. Splashing against their shores, playing on their banks, and slipping back into the harbor around my own island. I get it, I really do. It is just the way life works. I am grateful for the moments when I can be a part of those other lives, I selfishly crave them. I often hoard golden moments to slide through my fingers in the vault on my rock. Living vicariously through the past, being thankful when my present collides with another’s.  Knowing those moments are a part of me now and understanding when they shift with life tides.

I used to be more sheltered on my rock. I was so damn afraid to touch another’s shores. I was bound by convention, the way I was raised, and knew I was supposed to act a certain way. I sometimes escape, but it isn’t real. It can’t be. I need to remember to be the diamond stone which shines and stands firm. Giving my strength to others and not crumbling if part of my island moves a bit. Pulling myself up by my own bootstraps, putting on those big girl panties, and holding hard onto my teddy bear. Making the decisions for myself and my mum. Hoping they are the right ones. Hoping no one will blast my island if they are wrong. Because most rocks don’t float and I don’t have an escape plan.

Logical

I often feel like I am in Wonderland. It makes more sense than reality.

I normally live in Oregon. Or at least, that is where my driver’s license is from and where my spouse and my youngest are. I’ve been in Alaska almost constantly since mid July of 2016. I went back to Oregon for about 2 and a half weeks during this time. Last night, I texted my husband words wish he could come and visit me. He texted me back something about how we’ll have to look into it and then 3 hours later he texted me he’d call me on Wednesday night.

This evening he told me if I didn’t come back before May, he might be able to come to Alaska then. It is funny. We don’t often talk, we rarely text, I send emails and put things on the family blog, and have sent real mail. I get calls from my eldest often, I talk to the youngest now and then (he got seriously talked to when I found out he burned food in one of my pans!), and exist in a place so alien to theirs it is crazy. Even if we are in the same house, my spouse and I rarely communicate. He’s not really that interested in what I enjoy (he does like live theater and we go once every year or so) , he does get me my favorite flowers in February (my birthday, our anniversary, and Valentine’s Day are all that month), and we are rarely intimate (he does kiss me goodbye when he leaves for work and touch my ass when I pass him while he is sitting in his chair). But, this is why I don’t hope for things. I had tiny threads of hope roots that maybe in those hours between texts he might have been seriously considering visiting me. He did. He realised he’d be able to maybe come and see me in May.

I’d say long distance relationships suck, but they don’t if people talk to each other while they are apart. My eldest and I have a GREAT relationship! Especially, now I don’t need to get him up for school anymore. 

Wonderland is a better place and I don’t care who I end up with in that crazy kingdom. Tea?