She has gone

It’s been more than 12 hours and a million years.
Mum finally relaxed enough for her body to let go about 1130 Monday morning. My sister stayed for a bit longer, then went home cuz my youngest niece was….upset by the news. I was there through the cleansing and til the men came from the mortuary. My aunt and cousin walked out with me and headed to my sister’s. I went to see a friend in one of the offices and bawled all over her scrub top.
When I got back to my car, I ugly crying drove to the park where dad’s bench is. I was supposed to meet someone for lunch, but I didn’t want to eat. At the park, I didn’t know TnT had followed me from the hospital. He’d been working near there and just finished when I left. I had been texting and calling so many people. A brief line to him was among my messages. At the park, I cried more and dropped to my knees and bawled on dad’s bench. I was so glad to be free, but I’m so lost. TnT held me and, thankfully, helped me up off the ground after. He also checked on me later today.
The person I was supposed to meet wanted to see me, then said she’d follow me home. I guess I looked a bit crazy. I stopped at the post and my pancreatic cancer T had arrived. I’ve been wearing it ever since. Eventually, I got to the house and after a bit of a chat, my following friend left. I took a shower and went to sleep. Strider had talked to me just before and said he’d call after work to see if I’d eaten.
I’ve rested and talked to so many people. I’m still incredibly tired and so bereft. I’d called The Craftsman right after mum died and talked for a minute, he was working. So was Little Bear. The Craftsman texted me a while ago. He said ‘Good night, love. Have a restful night.’ I’ve extensively texted another medical worker friend this evening and she reminded me to drink something.
Obi is noticeably upset, Mittens slept with me til I didn’t get her dinner when she wanted and drew a bloody line across my big toe, and I’ve had a piece of bread with some lunch meat and some water.
Her leaving was so mom. I’d just been sitting near her to take a blood test when my cell rang. It was from my dentist about my appointment on Tuesday. I left the room to take the call, returned and started to sit with my aunt. She turned, saw mom and told me to call the nurse. About that time the skies opened up with rain blowing sideways. Then, it cleared and part of the sky was black and part beautiful and sunny. In another hour or so, the wind hit and power was knocked out all over the place. It was almost as if mum was mad about her body giving up!
As I said, I’m glad it’s over. There’s much left to do. And then, then, who needs me?

44 thoughts on “She has gone

  1. Oh, dear Kris, I’m so sorry to read this. This was always inevitable, and you’ve been preparing yourself and at the same time all your friends here in the blogging world as well as your real life friends and family.
    In the last few posts, it sounds like your Mum was made comfortable and she came to realise what was happening.
    My thoughts are with you. I hope you can take the time you need for yourself and look after yourself and you undertake the immediate activities that need attention and then you can contemplate and look forward to returning to home and family and friends. Take care, Kris. XO

    Liked by 1 person

    • It was a relief and yet it was so horrible to witness. You have heard me say this before, but I absolutely LOVE the medical people around me. They were such incredible rocks and managed mom’s stubborn self beautifully.
      I am so overwhelmed and yet, it can be done. I know it can!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Kris, I am so very sorry for your loss. We can never truly be prepared for the passing of a loved one. Your post brought back many memories of my Mom’s passing and the emotions and physical motions that I went through. It is so hard.
    To answer your question as to who needs you…besides your family and friends…WE DO! Your blogging family across the globe! Don’t forget that!
    Please be sure to take care of yourself as you navigate all that is required of you in the next few days. My thoughts are with you.
    Sending you lots of comforting hugs. Be gentle with yourself.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I’m so sorry Kris…you have loved and cared for your mom so long and so well. You have much left to give to many who need you more than you know. But please rest for a little while and take care of Kris. With love, suzanne❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  4. My heart is hurting and a strange sensation of pain and relief is coming over me. I know so well how you feel and you have endured so much my beautiful friend. I know only time can heal and there is not much one say to lessen the pain. It’s over and yet isn’t in so many ways. But a new start is yours and for that I am most grateful. Wrapping you in a tight blanket of love. I’m always here is you need me, anytime. I love you

    Liked by 4 people

    • Your message in your email and your messages and thoughts on WP are so encouraging. I learn so much from you and I pray your path goes smoother. Your pain in both physical and spiritual and oh, my dear friend, my heart aches and loves and yes, I am encouraged!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you so much Kris, you know better then most what it’s like and I appreciate your well wishes. I saw someone at the salt pool today and it must have been your twin. I wanted to go over and give you a giant hug and was thinking how nice it truly would be if that was you. Some day my lovely sister. I know of a few of us that would have a blast together. Xoxoxo

        Liked by 1 person

      • Smiling!!! I’d LOVE to meet you in person. I’m sure if you had gone over to hug the woman you saw, she’d not minded one bit.
        I love your soul hugs. They comfort. Sending you chamomile and lavender and cinnamon and healing stones to help you thru your days. PLUS those gentle hugs and kisses!


  5. I want to cover you in hugs and kisses and then some! I am so sorry for your loss. I know that the past few years have been difficult for you and your mum. She is no longer struggling & you can breathe easier. However, I know that doesn’t take the moment’s pain away. Just know that I am here for you always.

    Lots of Love,

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Oh Kris, my love, my heart, thoughts and prayers are with you. There’s no rehearsal for this moment, no matter how much we think we’re ready. It’s going to be a roller-coaster and that’s perfectly human and quite normal, given the circumstances. Be with people who you love and who love you, they are all around. Be with just yourself when you need it and give yourself space and time. This is a transition, there’s no hurry in moving through it, let it unfold at its own pace. I will pray for your mom’s spirit and for your gentle transition as you experience the complexities of this difficult time. One step at a time, beloved. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • your words to me here and in your blog have been so important to me. Thank you so very much. So much is happening and yet, there is so much beauty yet to absorb. Dandelions grow in the most obscure places to bring us light.

      Liked by 1 person

      • True, dandelions are golden stars and many other wonders can be found in the dark, even the deepest caves have crystals of light in abundance. How are you doing, Kris? I hope you are managing at this difficult time, I continue to hold you in my heart and am always here for you, my love. Keep well. xx

        Liked by 1 person

      • Keep looking at the stars and down towards the dandelions, they are all about you even when your eyes are obscured by tears. Everything will be hectic around now, you are doing well, breaking down and having moments of laughter one minute and being overcome and overwhelmed the next are all totally human when we experience grief and bereavement. You were with your mom throughout the last years, your road was one of ups and downs, the only way to go now is with the flow. You don’t need to hold it together, sometimes, you won’t even get that choice. You are, in fact, doing brilliantly, you always have been. May the angel of peace hold you in her arms until you are ready to stand on your own two feet again. My love is with you. x

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Oooh kris…?

    So sorry 😐

    Is no longer with us.?

    I don’t have the words to give comfort to your sorrows..

    Because there is nothing one can say to make you feel any better…

    Mom was so special.. and she loves her own way and you are going to miss her like there is no tomorrow…

    But time will heal.. and you will be okay and smile 😊 again…

    Mom was loved


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