This carefully edited stark shot with a tear is in response to Amanda and others. You are right. I do often need help, mothered, cared for. Today I was trying too hard to be ok and fell apart when I went to dad’s bench in the park. My falling apart is often contained, I rarely fold completely. It isn’t appropriate. I sat there today and realised how often I hold on to others around me for help. How often I reach out and cling. How often I whine and bitch and moan. And how, in reality, I am alone. I was sure it was cuz I am so fat and unlikable and boring and well, no one wants to be around a clinging vine! It was the loneliness which really shook me today.
Last night, when we were changing mum’s waste bag, we found a knot. A lump. It is about the size of a smaller English walnut. You only feel it when mum is prone. The imagination goes wild when you discover something like this in a person who has a strong history of cancers. Having to be the strong responsible one truly sucks. I know my imagination is probably inaccurate, thankfully we see a Dr tomorrow. The surgeon who removed mum’s cancerous spleen more than a year ago. It is just that damn cha cha dance and mum? Tonight she seems to be a little more tired of this dance of death. She says she hurts tonight where the lump is. It has never hurt before, but she might have poked the area today.
As I sat there with tears drying in the wind, I felt lost. I got back home and sat despondent and completely unmotivated to do anything. I thought about staying away from the internet for a while (cutting off my nose to spite my face, so to speak). Then, I remembered this. It was in the book I read last night.
“Don’t be so proud you can’t receive from others. If you don’t let them give to you, then you cheat them of the good luck they could receive by giving to you.”
I need to roll with the good moments and be happy when they happen. The Craftsman texts me a couple of times a week now and calls at least twice. My kid in VA calls often. I have good friends who encourage me in many different ways through the giving of themselves. There are beautiful stories in the world I can enjoy, blogs which make me smile, and friends who write those blogs who also give. I have running warm water in the house. I love those around me who give to me and I’ll continue to let them. It isn’t my place to reject their goodness when I am feeling like I should get rid of it. The loneliness I am experiencing is not because of what I look like or what I do. It is made up of fragments of sharp life bits cutting into moments of joy.
Those rose colored glasses are ok to wear for a while. They are just glasses which help one see differently. Different is good.