For Better?

I almost think I should repost my last post. I don’t think anyone saw it. But, that is typical for this weekend. (although, I posted it on Thurs..) Oh, well. This one doesn’t have as many photos as Thursday’s, but it is in the same vein!

I’m starting to feel better. I hope this round of antibiotics keeps working. The last ones seemed to lose momentum, but at least this time if they do, the doctor said to contact them and let them know. I’m not sure if it is the rain (which I usually love) or the chill in the house or the lack of people or the job, but I’m starting to think this is never going to end.

I was texted a couple of times this weekend (five by The Craftsman!) and spent a while on messenger with someone who wanted attention (I didn’t get it, but they did! Lol), got a couple of emails, and read books. (I’m so glad to finally get to finish the book I’ve been waiting all winter for! It’s a story of a journey wrapped up in a search for an ancient book. The Bestiary by Nicholas Christopher). I’ve still not made the bed, I feel like a tramp cuz I’m in a sleeping bag on the mattress!! I hope I’ll feel well enough to do that on Monday. I’ve not seen anyone, have a lot of papers to haul to the dump, and am feeling a bit down in the pit of despair! I have seen on FB many people from my past are around, yet most of them don’t realise I’m here. I supposed posting photos of the area isn’t good enough! Lol I know, if I visited with them, they’d notice how boring I am. I’m definitely not a party person. I’m usually the quiet one in the corner who reads or watches. I do not fit most places. Silly, huh? However, it is just feelings. Things which really aren’t as important as what is really going on.

I am wondering if I should throw away the cards from my parent’s memorial services. I have a guest book for mom, we didn’t for dad, and mom’s cards are still in nice shape. Dad’s were in the garage in a chewed on box. I’m not looking forward to sorting the wishes. I did move them from the bad box, but they are still mousy. If I don’t keep dad’s, I don’t really want to keep mom’s! I did find more papers I need to take to a bank to make sure that account is closed. I don’t get mail up here, but they kept sending stuff on that account to me in OR. I’m not sure what mail I’ve gotten since I’ve been here. I take that back, The Craftsman told me the tax bill for this house came. I’ve not done near as much as I wanted to this weekend, I was so tired much of it. I did find some manuals and repair books for the juke boxes. The Craftsman was going to call and tell me which ones were in OR, so I could take those out and give the rest to Juke Box Kid. He texted he had the model numbers, but he’ll call maybe on Monday. I keep thinking my life is spinning in circles.  You know the funniest thing? I was reading in my journal through those months I was taking care of mom and consistently wrote I was tired and frustrated!!! I need an injection of pep vitamins and an attitude adjustment. (I probably wrote that a great deal in here, too.)

My power bill went up from last month almost 100$. I have not turned up the heat, I wear lots of warm clothing, and think it must be the dryer and the hot water heater. I take short showers, but I also use a space heater when I’m in the shower. (in to out and dry, it is about 15 minutes) I put my damp towels in the dryer and use the dryer after I wash at the laundromat. I boil water to wash dishes and that is another electric contrivance. The stove/oven and then the microwave. The fridge has a need of being replaced. I also use my laptop and now that it is finally getting darker by 10 pm, I use lights. I look at this house and can only see the horrible parts in it. My joy in being home has been stifled.

Thankfully, the lake is always there and I noticed the golden eye male has shown up (for some odd reason. I guess he prefers teens over ducklings). I love seeing their white feathers when they dive and shake themselves off. Such a pretty sight in the green rain dimpled water. The other day someone was target practicing across the way and the noise was so loud, the little golden eyes scampered across the water to hide in the weeds! They were cute, their wings are tiny, but they can still run on the skin of the lake.  Friday I also had fun with birds. The chickadees were being very brave. One landed on my shoulder and several times I had them feeding from my open hand. Also, I had a pine grosbeak land next to me. I was startled when the wings brushed me, chickadees are much smaller! (I guess I’ve had winged encounters quite a bit this week-the butterfly in the last post was the beginning). I think birds are for the better! The squirrel was fun to watch eating, too-

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Whining

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

😫 I don’t feel good, but that’s no excuse. I’ve made The Craftsman annoyed with me. I didn’t make it to church, I just do not feel good. Joints and muscles hurt, I’ve got a headache, and I’m tired and dizzy. (Little Bear didn’t get there either, but he only turned off his alarm for that extra five minutes that lasted more than two hours.) Anyway, today was a celebration honoring everyone who has been in public service anywhere, dead or alive. The Craftsman called it a Memorial service and I objected. The American holiday this week is for veterans. People who are still alive and have been or are  in military service. Memorial Day is in May.  His attitude, as he was dashing around the kitchen getting his lunch ready, showed me my observation was off. I apologized, he said he knew ‘it was because you don’t feel good’. I came back to the room and am using up iPad battery by whining.

I’d curl up back in bed, except my glucose is a bit low. (Another reason for headaches.) I’ll wait til everyone is out of the kitchen and find something. I’m walking a bit like an old fashioned pinball game at times, challenging and intriguing at the same time. Thankfully, the house doesn’t have too many things to run into. I’ve not gotten bruises since leaving home with all the carrying I did up there. Little Bear put some things I couldn’t reach away for me here. I crawled up into the kitchen window to clean that last week (not fun!) and put the latest bouquet of flowers I bought in it. They are a pinky purple and one of the sunsets matched it briefly. 😍😍😍 I’ve got a picture, but it’s on the camera and I don’t want to walk upstairs to the laptop to load photos. Lazy lady! Which reminds me, I need to go up anyway today. I’ve got a couple of Alaskan bills to pay ASAP. No rest for the wicked! (Or whatever that proverb is!)

 

Debris or not debris???

I started a handwritten post a while ago, but didn’t manage to get it typed up. I’m constantly tired and find myself mindlessly playing games on my ipad (note, I play til I lose lives or win one level completely on word games). Sometimes I read, I often sit outside in the sunshine, every so often do a spot of yard work… I am not really as brown as the second picture (photos were taken a day apart), but I am enjoying the sunshine! When I return to the states (Oregon), I’ll not have this sort of tan again. Here in Alaska I am out the boonies by myself. Naked is pretty safe! (I do keep an oversized shirt close, just in case, but I’ve never needed it!) Safe isn’t what I need….

 

What I need is more time. (and money!)

As you can see, I am surrounded by debris. Piles for donation, my sister, myself, to sell, or whatever. Most of the closets and cupboards are almost empty. Or at least they have been gone through! I’m still living here, so I need to keep some things. I do NOT want to go and live with my sister for a month or so and drive out here to work each day as has been suggested. (I’d go batty at her house!!)  Her spouse hates I’m sending stuff back with her and there is shouting and noise. I like it here.

In fact, that is the hardest part. I do not want to leave. I want to keep so many things. But, I cannot. There are four things a person can do with stuff. Keep it, sell it, donate it, or toss it out. I’m astounded by how much I’ve tossed. In fact, the other day I hit a low because I got all guilty about getting rid of pictures. I blamed myself for not realizing others were a part of mom’s life. As I was sorting photos I put them in three sections. Me, Jake, and WTF is this? (who, not what). Thankfully, my sister has a memory like mom’s. She knows and recalls every single thing that ever happened to her from diapers on. Me? I have difficulty remembering if I’ve taken my meds! So, Jake can usually figure out who is in a picture and if it should be saved. Anyway, I laughingly mentioned on FB how mum had pictures of everyone from birth. One relation asked me if I could save the ones of her family and mail them. (I had JUST thrown them away!) I went through a bag I’d not tossed and found a few, but gods, I felt so horrible!!!

On Wednesday, a friend will visit who will help me pack up things for posting to Oregon. It is going to be so freaking expensive! And I still need to pay a few big bills that are mine and not my sister’s. (house insurance and what not, I’m using more electricity with darkness falling earlier…) Then, selling bits of lives isn’t as easy as I’d hoped. The jukeboxes are worth much less than we thought. (Specialty items generally are!) People often say they ‘want’ something if they see it on FB, but they don’t come through. Frustrating. The Craftsman still thinks I should sell mom’s beautiful watch if I need to. (I really really don’t want to. I’ve never gotten mad at him before, but this is starting to frustrate me more than anything else I’ve managed to adjust to!) I think of ABBA’s song and just cry inside. If I had a little money…but, if wishes were horses, we’d all know how to ride. And shovel manure!

Thankfully, I keep finding interesting or good things. This black and white is wonderful. Mum has a large framed colorized version of it, lots of singles of people in the photo, and there are no names or dates anywhere to be found on any of them. It was driving us crazy!  This one, however, has all of that information on the back! I was so thankful. Another thing I’d forgotten was my real dad had a nickname. It shows up on many pictures. The first time I read it, I was so confused. In fancy cursive, Sonny looks a smidge like Harry and I knew the man was Harry, but some of the other photos had a definite ‘S’. That is another funny thing. My sister suggested to me last week she wants to have her DNA tested. Because she believes she’s my half-sister!!! (She looks like my mom’s side, not much like our birth fathers. I look like both, but more like his side.)

I have also found little special moments bringing a pause in my stampeding passage of time. A group of ducks wisely staying away from a lone loon, white fireweed fluff (seed) separating from the stalk to create more flowers next year, a mama moose with twins stopping for a drink at the far end of the lake (those were too far away to photograph properly), and a piece of petrified wood I placed on a beach log for perspective. It really is a beautiful world!!

To Scream

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

This last week has been ridiculous. I have wanted to post, but I’m so far behind in everything, one more just doesn’t matter. Monday I had two lovely bull moose in the yard. The first one didn’t seem to mind me photographing while naked (convoluted story. I was going downstairs to get clothes and saw it out the window and so, I slipped outside. The second moose, I had on a t-shirt. No one minded!).

 

(the photo of him looking at the lake was when he heard there was something down there. I loved the look on his face when he turned back to look at me!)

 

I was also texting Ms Monster (yikes! Nude texting!!!) and almost late for a lunch meeting. That didn’t matter, the woman was sick and forgot to tell me. After the not lunch, I made my bed (I never leave my room in the morning without making my bed!!) and checked to make sure the kayak hadn’t been stepped on by those big boys. It was ok, at least, I think it is! The moose topped the fireweed around it, but they didn’t step on the craft.

 

Jake came out later that day and ‘shopped’. (she sorted through the things I was going to get rid of and we went through some of mom’s clothes I’d not packed up yet. She will also take some of the pictures we didn’t want to a consignment store in ANC. I am also hoping they have a consignment fur store. Mum had a LOT of fur!!) It was good cuz I did get rid of a few things, but I’m not as organized as I need to be. I managed to keep the Hansel and Gretel print she wanted. I liked it because it was story book, she wanted it cuz it was old.

I met the new pastor at mom’s church the other night. She seems like a good match, only time will tell. (Not being impressed with religious institutions is a political post I will not touch!) My back aches, I’m sleeping way too much (I sleep well, but too much!) and I was reminded I like to whine (that was earlier this month). I finally got my clothes washed and most of them dried for this week!

It is almost August and I’m barely done with a single room in this damn house. I looked that single room today and thought I was making progress, then I picked up an item that was supposed to belong to a doll in the basement. Which reminded me the basement is still fairly full.  I was supposed to have a run away day this Thursday, but thankfully my friend forgot about it. I don’t have time to do anything but work and cry. My solace are two games I play for about 40 min a day while eating, sitting in the sun for another 40 and low carb ice cream. If I didn’t have to drive to town to wash or do basic chores, I’d have more time. As I said, I’m not very organized! I cannot believe I’ve been here since mid-May and so little is done!

The U-box the guys packed is ‘ready’ for pick up. That seems like a grand way to move things, but it leaves me unimpressed. They are supposed to call when the box arrives. The tracking shows when it left the place we’d dropped it off in Alaska and when it arrived in the city in WA. No information during the in between parts. They haven’t called. The Craftsman (because I was bossy) was checking the tracking number and noticed it was in. He’s called the store in WA several times and has talked to a young man who has told him (a) he can get a box, would he like to reserve one? (b) the manager is unavailable, he can’t answer the questions about when he can get the full box and (c) if he doesn’t get the store in Washington, he gets shunted off to the main U-Haul company line. The worst part? The day the box ‘arrived’ in WA was the day they added another month of rental because we had the box for more than a month. Incredibly inefficient. I’ve several things I need to ship from here and I have no idea how that will happen.

I’ve been advised more than once to sell. It is still full of stuff. I’m supposed to have an estate sale in 3 weeks, I’ve not advertised yet. It is too discombobulated. I was close to tears so many times yesterday. One person hugged me, thankfully I managed to pretend the tears were my eyes watering (they do that constantly, it drives me nuts and looks terrible!). I’m so thankful for those people who have been helping me, I need more and now, people are too busy. It reminds me of when mom was sick. The first few months after she was in the hospital in ANC, I was given some help. Mom was visited often. Then, we moved out north and I was alone except for my online community. At first (I think), helping out here was fun. But, now it is getting old. There are other people who are more interesting and closer to town, it is fishing season, and people are just summer time busy. I’m grateful for the couple hours a week my sister can donate.

Whining over. For now. I’m going to cry a few minutes and get something else done. I do have lists. The one I’ve been working on has nine items on it that need done ASAP. The today and tomorrow lists are shorter. Most of those are chores.

Thankfully, the sun is out today. You can see fall is on the way in the bright berries forming, the tall fireweed is almost finished blooming, and the rustling trees are reluctantly shaking one or two golden coins onto the earth as they dance in the breezes.  It is an incredibly  beautiful world!

 

As large as…

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I went to the doctor today and discovered not eating anything (or much at all) from 730 pm to noon hasn’t done much at all for my physical appearance. It turns out I weigh a bit more than a Javan pig and a bit less than a Short beaked saddle back dolphin. So, in spite of the size of the images, I’m going to go with the dolphin!

However, I was sad. I’m pretty sure my MS is not helping. I may not consume as many carbs in the night or morning, but I probably ingest too many in the rest of the hours, not to mention it hurts so damn much to move. There are days I spend a couple of hours outside and end up almost in tears. When I am on the bed, I come close to crying. It hurts so very much to be flat. My legs from my waist down will go to sleep and lately even my arms are starting to tingle and go slightly numb. (I felt better with the memory foam mattress form, but since The Craftsman felt worse, it is up for sale.) I am also going to start taking the Vitamin D in the high doses again. I’ve been taking it since about 2011 and stopped just after Christmas. (when I started feeling 100% worse!)

It is funny, though. Monday I sent a box to Strider and the gal at the post mentioned how she and her sisters were discussing that Little Bear needs a girl. I later told The Craftsman and tried to tell him who the gal at the post was. He then said, ‘Oh, yes. She’s a sister to the two girls who run the Sugar Shack. She doesn’t look anything like them, though. She’s heavyset.’ I was stunned. She is NOT heavyset and said so. He amended his phrase with ‘Big boned.’ I was so mad. I’m bigger than she is and said so, he denied my observation. Yet, when was the last time he actually looked at me? It’s been years since he’s seen my unclothed. I’m not even sure he’s seen me in less than a tank top and panties. Ridiculous.

I reckon I’m just a dolphin in a singular pod! Or just a big girl hanging out in a garden!!!

Lessons in the Dirt-more or less

Wishing I wasn’t here. Yet, at the same time, I’m glad to be in my yard and garden and house. (usually) The last couple of nights I’ve been sleeping in the living room with the cats. To keep them from bothering The Craftsman while he gets the dubious amount of sleep he can. (he did a home sleep study, but he’s not heard back from the clinic yet. He got an MRI the other day on his neck. Aging is hard on a body!) I leave for the north in a bit more than a month. They will miss me when I go, no one will be here to make dinner again. (speaking of, I need to get that started soon. Chicken soup) I had to cancel my appointment with my MS doctor. It was for the end of July and I cannot dash back to the states and then turn around and go back north. No one knows what tomorrow brings, even when it is planned for. My next appointment is in November. We’ll see. I am hoping my primary doctor can reinstate the Vitamin D dosage I was on. (I sincerely felt better taking so much, even if those numbers on the blood tests were significantly higher than they were supposed to be.) There is a great deal to do and I’m not eager to do any of it!

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I was driving back to the house yesterday, thinking about where I am. I am not sure if there is a romantic love in my marriage. I’m pretty sure it is a caring, duty, sort of love. I have serious diseases that are mostly taken care of. I have a house I enjoy here (not the place, the house!) I mostly get to do things I want to do (I have mentioned several times we should go driving in the Mercury. I was out working in the yard last Sunday and The Craftsman came down to say if I wanted, he could get the car out. Surprised, I mentioned it was close to dinner and did he have time. He said not really, but it would be a good thing to spend time with me. I gently reminded him I was dirty and would need to get tidy and perhaps we should go a different day. He agreed. He also was supposed to grill our dinner, but wasn’t home til almost a half hour after I usually eat. I made dinner in the new frying pan Little Bear bought me. It was delicious, The Craftsman was a bit annoyed and said he got home as soon as he could.). It is crazy. This guy habitually watches Hallmark movies, so he must have romance in his soul. He is a very good kisser (when they happen) and he’s always touching me if we are in the same area. Yet…there is something missing. If I was a betting sort, I’d bet it was enjoyment.

I often wonder what I can do to make things better. I see so many instances where I ask and nothing happens (like the driving). I was going to make an earring holder. I bought some items and found out The Craftsman was working on a plan. It is in the basement in bits. I have a cross puzzle decoration idea I’ve been wanting to create for YEARS and The Craftsman was given the shape sizes and he’s still working on it. I know I need to sort through my things and get rid of some..they are underneath debris belonging to The Craftsman or Little Bear!!! (Moving their stuff is akin to misaligning a rocket booster!)

I was sharing with TnT that I felt a bit like a plant in the kitchen. It isn’t a Boston Fern, but an African Violet. It is green and has a million leaves, is huge, and is taken care of each week. But, it hasn’t bloomed in years. I seem to bloom best in Alaska.

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One of the things I did this week was pull a root. It reminded me a great deal of life. (I was also struck by a comment made by Jack about pulling them up instead of letting them stay in the ground) One of the things I don’t like about spring is pulling up baby trees and flowers. This particular locust was rather tall and I wanted it out of my flower garden. So, I decided to take it out. I eventually cut it off when I got to the fence. The darn thing went under the fence and sidewalk and I’d already managed to get almost on my belly to remove it! (The lighter bit near the shovel handle is the ‘tree’ part.)

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I found out later it had been mostly dug up when the septic line had been put in last summer. Then, it had been reburied. (I wanted to cry, but I suppose it was good for me to get on my knees in the dirt!) When we find things that need sorted and rebury them, it isn’t as simple to pull them out again later. They make more rootlets and start to grow again. This was also a sucker broken off the main towering tree in the middle of the yard. Suckers are little bits of trees pulling life from the host. They can sometimes be dug up and moved, creating a new tree, and even more rarely, they can be left alone to grow uninhibited, but more often, they just need taken out. My marriage has those reburied bits where I’m supposed to sedately grow the way I should. Or maybe they are bits that need removed? That is the problem with analogies, they work in many situations!!!

I am sad-

I am sad because, after the brief interlude of sunshine during lunch (we didn’t go in to the luncheon mum was to attend, she was in a great deal of pain), the rest of the day went pretty much as the morning had. Horrid.

I am sad because I spoke to a friend and found bruises all over her arms, from her husband’s dog. A dog his daughters gave to him and he cannot control and who ate one of the medicines he is supposed to take. A whole bottle. And her expensive bracelet when she was jumped upon. (and this is just today!) I am sad because on my long drive to get mum’s prescription, I realized how expendable bobbers are. I am sad because I am alone in the caring for my mum and it hurts. A lot. I am sad because I wasn’t trusted to be strong enough to realise I didn’t really need someone I depended on. I am sad because I had no freaking idea a debit card with a visa stamp wasn’t both. (That one also made me feel like an idiot.) I am sad because the line at the first store I visited was very long and I’d left my book in the car. I am sad because when I used the bathroom at the store where I dropped off mum’s prescription, there was what I hope was water on the floor in the stall. I am sad because I CRIED out in public, in the sunshine, while sitting on the bench with my dad’s memorial plaque on it. (it isn’t easy for me to cry, tough people can’t.) I am sad because I don’t want to keep doing what I am doing and I’m tired and daddy can’t do a damn thing from his side of the curtain. I am sad because when I left the park where dad’s bench is, I delicately put the pointed toe of my best dress boots into dog crap. (In the park where there are clearly marked baggies for pet refuse.) I was so sad I ate all the servings in the bag of mini chocolate covered hostess donuts. (6 servings of 3 donuts each) I was sad when I drove past the lake where the swans hang out and didn’t see them. I was sad when I drove past the Senior Center where mum used to go, because she doesn’t go there anymore and she is forgotten. I was sad because there is a dinner coming up and we won’t be there. I want to do something fun and slightly fancy. (OK< that is just whining. I’ve had the chance to watch two movies in the theatre and two at a friend’s since last November and fancy is not something most people think to do with me, even if I could go! I’m ordinary and a bit immature and I HAVE had two ‘fancy’ sorts of experiences. Once around my birthday and one last November.) I am sad because when I made dinner, I dropped two pieces of fried halibut on the floor (mum’s dog was very pleased!).

However, besides the sun break around lunch time, there were a few other bits of good things scattered in the day. When I met my friend with the bruised arms, I also got to squeeze hands with one of the postal workers..thru a mail box! (I felt quite like I was being introduced to a roving female ‘Thing’ from the Addams Family). At the first store I went to, two VERY nice ladies waited in line while I dashed to grab two movie size boxes of Jr. Mints. The two young men ahead of me were also incredibly kind, and funny. (I guess those good things came in twos!) In the bathroom of the second store, there was one paper towel container still holding paper towels. While I was at the park, a man was listening to music and when he quietly broke into song, it wasn’t off key. I decided I didn’t need to go to the bank and get a credit card, the man at the rental place said I could use mum’s if I had POA papers. (I don’t think I could get a card by Monday anyway) I was able to clean off my boot thoroughly with one of those floss tooth picks when I got home. I got to text a friend for a bit. My fried halibut was ok, mum didn’t complain about it to me. (HOOORAY!) I read outside for 30 minutes after dinner, it was too cold to stay out past 730. (I had forgotten my coat and something to sit on.) But, I came inside and finished my book.

So, even with the ridiculous things that happen in a day, you just gotta count the positive ones. No matter how small. Otherwise, you are going to roll over in the waves and drown.

Paddle On

The lake has so many babies on it, avian predators are using it as a refueling stop in their travels. Eagles, both immature and grown, are frequent visitors as are loon. The goshawk hasn’t been spotted yet, but I’d not be surprised if we see it soon. Granted, the immature eagle is not very adept in his hunting (I watched him/her slip from the perch it was trying to land on), yet the bird terrifies the families. The loon is absolutely fascinating. I’ve been googling these birds and they truly are beautiful creatures of death. Although, one article I found shared a loon adopting a baby goldeneye. On this lake, goldeneye are tasty morsels.

It is frustrating to watch this not family friendly saga of life on a lake. I want to go out and protect the babies, but I’m also considered a predator. A bright orange kayak gliding on the water surface is an unknown and therefore, scary. Mum feeds the mallards up at the house, she isn’t supposed to. I often go out and feed them. Mostly because she will if I don’t. But, also because the babies are so darn CUTE! I’ve even gone down and tossed cracked corn in the water near the shore, it makes it easier to focus on them with binocular and camera lens!

The mamas have a lot of work with their babies. As they get braver, they venture further away from her proximity. Some mamas are not very good at keeping track of their kids. After some predator appears, the lake echoes with shrill peeps and distressed squawks until everyone is back to where they are supposed to be. Moms who had 8 offspring are down to 3 or 4 and they rally them close and keep on paddling.

I often see myself reflected in this season of young things. I am caregiving and often I don’t do it right. Parts of mum’s care escape me.

Today I truly screwed up and gave her the wrong insulin when my own blood sugar was in the 70’s. Her care comes first and glucose tablets sort of helped me. (I also had a bit of mum’s apple crisp and couldn’t even taste it—I must have been low! Later, however, my glucose was way too high.) Anyway, this morning, when I gave her both lantus and humalog, I put the pens in the wrong boxes and at lunch gave her 6 more of lantus instead of the 6 of Humalog. Thankfully, she didn’t notice anything about me giving her two shots at lunch (I gave her the Humalog, too). She gets pretty pissed when I mess up her insulin. She wants her insulin pump back badly. Then she can take care of things all on her own (mostly).  Her blood sugars have remained in the 300’s, after a fasting blood sugar in the 200’s. So, with the not being able to keep her in the 200 ranges and messing up her shots in the first place, I’m feeling like that mama duck. Not entirely useful at keeping those around me where they should be. Or at least, mum. I’ve only been taking care of her since the last days of November. It hasn’t been very long, really. And I should be better at it, especially with the Diabetes part. I’ve been a person with Diabetes years longer than she has!

I wish I could toss this task into someone else’s lap. This choice I made to stay with her was probably the best one, but gods, I am so bad at it! I often wish I was back in Oregon. Being ignored and doing boring routines tasks in my own house with my own books and kitchen and cupboards and not having to do number things like finances, looks better every day. And if I was in Oregon, I could go to a movie (maybe even with someone!!) and not worry about the consequences. I could dig in my own yard and not do it wrong, I wouldn’t have to mow the grass and weeds (this is a daunting task at mum’s), and I could sleep in my own comfy bed with the cats.

Paddling on is all I can do. And cry helpless tears in the shower, where they can wash away and not be noticed.  (and whine on WP!)

Too much

I am not a morning person. I can be once every so often, but I am a night person. Although, like the dogs in ‘Go, Dog, Go!’ I do realise ‘Night is a time for sleep.’ Thankfully, growing up in Alaska has made me have the ability to sleep at anytime or anywhere. Bright daylight doesn’t bother a solid nap. Dogs do. (that happened today. I was sound asleep in my basement chamber when the dog frantically barked for nothing)

Tonight, I am awake reading and following people I adore to read. I didn’t make as many comments as usual because I was so far behind! I’ve had a busy bee last few days. I got to clean for a friend (it was so much fun!), an angel came to visit and planted stuff for mum on Saturday, I took mum to church (that was something I hadn’t counted on doing), I washed and dried and folded clothes, and I dug out mucky weeds in our lake bed. (yes, I find a phrase and keep using it!) Even though my entire body aches, I’m not as tired as  usual. I think these absolutely vile tasting antibiotics might be working!!!

Anyway, since I need to get up in a little over an hour, I should get a spot of rest. I wonder if I will be able to? Get up, I mean. I really hurt in places I’d forgotten there were muscles in! The headache from yesterday is gone, so that is good….I have a half of an oxycotin I keep not taking (they are from a surgery I had awhile back). I thought about using it yesterday and thought about using it tonight. I can’t, though. I’m afraid to take even half of one, I need to make sure I am ready for mum. She was annoyed with me for not being ready when she was this morning for church!!

So, there is too much to process for this night person who needs to try and get a little sleep before starting the round of care again. Mum’s been coffing and doesn’t sound comfortable…and she has ‘crackles’ in her lungs again.

Grounded

When I was a kid there was a popular form of punishment called ‘being grounded’. It was a horrible thing to do to a kid. I’d have rather had the wooden spoon (and I did have that applied now and again, though, the grounding was more popular). One day, in particular, reminds me of today. It was a lovely winter day. Pristine white snow and a blue sky with sunshine. And I wasn’t allowed to go outside for almost a month. I had to stay inside and read or do house things.

Today is another one of those gorgeous winter days. The snow isn’t quite as pristine due to dogs and snowmachines, but it is still begging for Krisprints. And I am grounded, for the most part. I am hoping a friend will bring me a shovel to borrow on Monday, letting me out for a little bit. At least, if I am in the yard, I am fairly close and I can have that darn dog of mom’s outside where he won’t bother mom. He wants to play with her all the time (I am a lesser being and unworthy of attention, which doesn’t bother me too much!) and puts toys next to her face when she is sleeping and gets into the garbage when he is bored. I can’t take him out of the yard unless he’s on a leash and as I said, I am a lesser being and he does not like going places with me! Le sigh. I suppose being back here in this lovely place I can look at should be enough. But, I want to go outside and play!!!! Silly Kris, being responsible does not allow for play. And I got to play for a few hours in Feb one lovely evening.

I am such a fruitcake! Headed for the escape in words!