Dumpy Day

I’m just tired and achy and wanting to cry. My right arm and elbow ache and burn. My left breast is sore (It has had something odd for several months, but I’ll get a mammogram when I return to Oregon). I work and then sleep for 10 hours and wake tired. My eye is still goopy and red. I hate doing this all alone. (and that isn’t even true! This week I’ve had at least half a dozen people who have visited and helped get things done.) I need to do laundry and go shopping and it is so difficult to decide to do those things when I have to be here. I’m just so darn tired for anything!

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Being kind to others is much easier than to myself. Ok, being kind to most people is easier than myself. I do hope when my sister does eventually arrive someday, I’m considerate and gentle. (I keep bitch typing about what I know she’ll do, then I delete it! Writing it out isn’t going to change her actions and it isn’t necessary or nice of me) I do take time for Kris. I like to sit in the sun now and then. I do take time to play mindless games on the kindle (two, wordscapes and a lovely jewel game that must be a prototype cuz it is entirely not at all like any jewel game I’ve played. It is like an embryo version of many of them. I don’t even remember the name! lol). I was slightly annoyed. The kindle version of Wordscapes is different than the ipad one and the last few weeks, I could actually play words that I could on the ipad. Unfortunately, one of the powers that be must have realized people were accumulating up to 20 extra points with words like ‘tod’ or ‘tor’ or ‘lich’ or other somewhat obscure pairings. I try them anyway, just in case! Besides games, I have watched a couple of movies and gone to the beach once and watched the ducks now and then and fed the birds. I’ve baked several times and even mowed the yard twice. And I read. So, I really am doing things for myself.

Except, when you sleep for 10 hours or more, there isn’t much time left to get all that needs done completed! (ooooh, that is a confusing sentence!)

I have been sorting papers I set aside last fall. There was a will that cracked me up. I’m not entirely sure how many of these people are still alive, but the poor lawyer was looking in the early 90’s. I kept it because it was so typical of life. Confusing, with ties that twist and bind! As you can see by the partial photo document, there are a lot of names with not much information! Then, on another page, the lawyer says this: “The problem arose because Harry Franklin S name was changed to Harry Franklin E, he was than married at least twice, and it appears he may have adopted some of his step-children.” Later, I learned when he died, one of the persons mentioned sent a letter out for help with funeral costs. (that is the second photo). For me, I recognized some of the names, except the names were not for those people!!! Great Aunt Ginny was an alcoholic kick in the pants. Julie was my 4th dad’s mom and Uncle Harry was my dad’s brother and I thought Harry was his only sibling! It is bad enough naming kids after persons who have died, but to name them after living relations is just confusing!!! Then, I learned, dad, who had his name changed by court order ended up getting it changed again to E a few years after my sister and I were adopted and had our names changed to E. The worst part of adoption is that on the birth certificates, it now shows my dad, Bill, as my birth father in 1965. Except in 1965 my real dad and mom were living in MN and a few years later my sister was born. I also found divorce papers for mom’s previous marriages and in each one the document reads mum had proof for a cause for divorce. Now, I know in 2 of those, the men hit mom. I’ve never found anything anywhere to see exactly why mom left my real dad. I do know he wasn’t good at keeping jobs, his type 1 diabetes was uncontrolled and made him difficult, and I understand that mom never really wanted to marry him anyway (she wanted to marry my second dad and dear Johned him when he was in the military, thus marrying my birth father. Or at least, that was one story I was told by someone else!). I also laughed because in the second divorce, mom got the trailer with furnishings and that dad got a truck and a barometer!

I also, once again, lost my contacts. I was able to get many of them back cuz I hadn’t completely deleted all texts, but some…I’ll just have to wait for them to identify themselves more thoroughly! The golden eye mom has two young left as of Saturday night and today it is blowing and raining. Thankfully, I do like rain! It is also easier for the ducks to hide in plain sight, although they are pretty good at that normally!

short note

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I’m running out of time. This last week has been busy and crazy. I got a call from my doctor on Wednesday and found out that I have something called Strep B. She said it was in my blood. Anyway, I’m allergic to many of the antibiotics, she gave me one called ‘Z pack’. I do feel better, but we’ll see for how long! (I do hope this drug kills what has been making me so worn and icky in so many ways. It probably wasn’t covid like I thought!)

Anyway, I head north on Sunday morning. I’m not packed yet, but I’ve made 3 batches of cookies (about 5 dozen each) and small banana loaves and some cinnamon muffins for the freezer. I got 4 masks made, I asked a friend to make 3 for the guys..if they are able to fly north later in the summer. I am seriously not a geometric sort. I much prefer aiming at a target and not getting into a pother when I miss it by a half inch! (I’d probably not be a very good with missiles...)

Meanwhile, I have to do a few more things around here, but I have much of Saturday to do them. I had toyed with doing more Friday night, but found out The Craftsman ‘made time’ so we can watch a movie. Last night’s movie was interrupted by mowing grass and I’m pretty sure I was doing something, too.

I need to reboot the router up north and then call to get the account turned back on. The company had a covid glitch and deleted all the passwords in March. I can’t update it because the router isn’t working. Natcherally!!! (someone made a covid app and anyone who got the app also got a virus..go figure! Anyway, to make sure it was gone, the company just deleted everything. Overkill??)

So, raindrops on yard flowers to cheer your weekend and I’ll see you on the northern side!!!


flight sky sunset men

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😫 I don’t feel good, but that’s no excuse. I’ve made The Craftsman annoyed with me. I didn’t make it to church, I just do not feel good. Joints and muscles hurt, I’ve got a headache, and I’m tired and dizzy. (Little Bear didn’t get there either, but he only turned off his alarm for that extra five minutes that lasted more than two hours.) Anyway, today was a celebration honoring everyone who has been in public service anywhere, dead or alive. The Craftsman called it a Memorial service and I objected. The American holiday this week is for veterans. People who are still alive and have been or are  in military service. Memorial Day is in May.  His attitude, as he was dashing around the kitchen getting his lunch ready, showed me my observation was off. I apologized, he said he knew ‘it was because you don’t feel good’. I came back to the room and am using up iPad battery by whining.

I’d curl up back in bed, except my glucose is a bit low. (Another reason for headaches.) I’ll wait til everyone is out of the kitchen and find something. I’m walking a bit like an old fashioned pinball game at times, challenging and intriguing at the same time. Thankfully, the house doesn’t have too many things to run into. I’ve not gotten bruises since leaving home with all the carrying I did up there. Little Bear put some things I couldn’t reach away for me here. I crawled up into the kitchen window to clean that last week (not fun!) and put the latest bouquet of flowers I bought in it. They are a pinky purple and one of the sunsets matched it briefly. 😍😍😍 I’ve got a picture, but it’s on the camera and I don’t want to walk upstairs to the laptop to load photos. Lazy lady! Which reminds me, I need to go up anyway today. I’ve got a couple of Alaskan bills to pay ASAP. No rest for the wicked! (Or whatever that proverb is!)



Debris or not debris???

I started a handwritten post a while ago, but didn’t manage to get it typed up. I’m constantly tired and find myself mindlessly playing games on my ipad (note, I play til I lose lives or win one level completely on word games). Sometimes I read, I often sit outside in the sunshine, every so often do a spot of yard work… I am not really as brown as the second picture (photos were taken a day apart), but I am enjoying the sunshine! When I return to the states (Oregon), I’ll not have this sort of tan again. Here in Alaska I am out the boonies by myself. Naked is pretty safe! (I do keep an oversized shirt close, just in case, but I’ve never needed it!) Safe isn’t what I need….


What I need is more time. (and money!)

As you can see, I am surrounded by debris. Piles for donation, my sister, myself, to sell, or whatever. Most of the closets and cupboards are almost empty. Or at least they have been gone through! I’m still living here, so I need to keep some things. I do NOT want to go and live with my sister for a month or so and drive out here to work each day as has been suggested. (I’d go batty at her house!!)  Her spouse hates I’m sending stuff back with her and there is shouting and noise. I like it here.

In fact, that is the hardest part. I do not want to leave. I want to keep so many things. But, I cannot. There are four things a person can do with stuff. Keep it, sell it, donate it, or toss it out. I’m astounded by how much I’ve tossed. In fact, the other day I hit a low because I got all guilty about getting rid of pictures. I blamed myself for not realizing others were a part of mom’s life. As I was sorting photos I put them in three sections. Me, Jake, and WTF is this? (who, not what). Thankfully, my sister has a memory like mom’s. She knows and recalls every single thing that ever happened to her from diapers on. Me? I have difficulty remembering if I’ve taken my meds! So, Jake can usually figure out who is in a picture and if it should be saved. Anyway, I laughingly mentioned on FB how mum had pictures of everyone from birth. One relation asked me if I could save the ones of her family and mail them. (I had JUST thrown them away!) I went through a bag I’d not tossed and found a few, but gods, I felt so horrible!!!

On Wednesday, a friend will visit who will help me pack up things for posting to Oregon. It is going to be so freaking expensive! And I still need to pay a few big bills that are mine and not my sister’s. (house insurance and what not, I’m using more electricity with darkness falling earlier…) Then, selling bits of lives isn’t as easy as I’d hoped. The jukeboxes are worth much less than we thought. (Specialty items generally are!) People often say they ‘want’ something if they see it on FB, but they don’t come through. Frustrating. The Craftsman still thinks I should sell mom’s beautiful watch if I need to. (I really really don’t want to. I’ve never gotten mad at him before, but this is starting to frustrate me more than anything else I’ve managed to adjust to!) I think of ABBA’s song and just cry inside. If I had a little money…but, if wishes were horses, we’d all know how to ride. And shovel manure!


Thankfully, I keep finding interesting or good things. This black and white is wonderful. Mum has a large framed colorized version of it, lots of singles of people in the photo, and there are no names or dates anywhere to be found on any of them. It was driving us crazy!  This one, however, has all of that information on the back! I was so thankful. Another thing I’d forgotten was my real dad had a nickname. It shows up on many pictures. The first time I read it, I was so confused. In fancy cursive, Sonny looks a smidge like Harry and I knew the man was Harry, but some of the other photos had a definite ‘S’. That is another funny thing. My sister suggested to me last week she wants to have her DNA tested. Because she believes she’s my half-sister!!! (She looks like my mom’s side, not much like our birth fathers. I look like both, but more like his side.)

I have also found little special moments bringing a pause in my stampeding passage of time. A group of ducks wisely staying away from a lone loon, white fireweed fluff (seed) separating from the stalk to create more flowers next year, a mama moose with twins stopping for a drink at the far end of the lake (those were too far away to photograph properly), and a piece of petrified wood I placed on a beach log for perspective. It really is a beautiful world!!

To Scream

man person face portrait

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This last week has been ridiculous. I have wanted to post, but I’m so far behind in everything, one more just doesn’t matter. Monday I had two lovely bull moose in the yard. The first one didn’t seem to mind me photographing while naked (convoluted story. I was going downstairs to get clothes and saw it out the window and so, I slipped outside. The second moose, I had on a t-shirt. No one minded!).


(the photo of him looking at the lake was when he heard there was something down there. I loved the look on his face when he turned back to look at me!)


I was also texting Ms Monster (yikes! Nude texting!!!) and almost late for a lunch meeting. That didn’t matter, the woman was sick and forgot to tell me. After the not lunch, I made my bed (I never leave my room in the morning without making my bed!!) and checked to make sure the kayak hadn’t been stepped on by those big boys. It was ok, at least, I think it is! The moose topped the fireweed around it, but they didn’t step on the craft.


Jake came out later that day and ‘shopped’. (she sorted through the things I was going to get rid of and we went through some of mom’s clothes I’d not packed up yet. She will also take some of the pictures we didn’t want to a consignment store in ANC. I am also hoping they have a consignment fur store. Mum had a LOT of fur!!) It was good cuz I did get rid of a few things, but I’m not as organized as I need to be. I managed to keep the Hansel and Gretel print she wanted. I liked it because it was story book, she wanted it cuz it was old.

I met the new pastor at mom’s church the other night. She seems like a good match, only time will tell. (Not being impressed with religious institutions is a political post I will not touch!) My back aches, I’m sleeping way too much (I sleep well, but too much!) and I was reminded I like to whine (that was earlier this month). I finally got my clothes washed and most of them dried for this week!

It is almost August and I’m barely done with a single room in this damn house. I looked that single room today and thought I was making progress, then I picked up an item that was supposed to belong to a doll in the basement. Which reminded me the basement is still fairly full.  I was supposed to have a run away day this Thursday, but thankfully my friend forgot about it. I don’t have time to do anything but work and cry. My solace are two games I play for about 40 min a day while eating, sitting in the sun for another 40 and low carb ice cream. If I didn’t have to drive to town to wash or do basic chores, I’d have more time. As I said, I’m not very organized! I cannot believe I’ve been here since mid-May and so little is done!

The U-box the guys packed is ‘ready’ for pick up. That seems like a grand way to move things, but it leaves me unimpressed. They are supposed to call when the box arrives. The tracking shows when it left the place we’d dropped it off in Alaska and when it arrived in the city in WA. No information during the in between parts. They haven’t called. The Craftsman (because I was bossy) was checking the tracking number and noticed it was in. He’s called the store in WA several times and has talked to a young man who has told him (a) he can get a box, would he like to reserve one? (b) the manager is unavailable, he can’t answer the questions about when he can get the full box and (c) if he doesn’t get the store in Washington, he gets shunted off to the main U-Haul company line. The worst part? The day the box ‘arrived’ in WA was the day they added another month of rental because we had the box for more than a month. Incredibly inefficient. I’ve several things I need to ship from here and I have no idea how that will happen.

I’ve been advised more than once to sell. It is still full of stuff. I’m supposed to have an estate sale in 3 weeks, I’ve not advertised yet. It is too discombobulated. I was close to tears so many times yesterday. One person hugged me, thankfully I managed to pretend the tears were my eyes watering (they do that constantly, it drives me nuts and looks terrible!). I’m so thankful for those people who have been helping me, I need more and now, people are too busy. It reminds me of when mom was sick. The first few months after she was in the hospital in ANC, I was given some help. Mom was visited often. Then, we moved out north and I was alone except for my online community. At first (I think), helping out here was fun. But, now it is getting old. There are other people who are more interesting and closer to town, it is fishing season, and people are just summer time busy. I’m grateful for the couple hours a week my sister can donate.

Whining over. For now. I’m going to cry a few minutes and get something else done. I do have lists. The one I’ve been working on has nine items on it that need done ASAP. The today and tomorrow lists are shorter. Most of those are chores.

Thankfully, the sun is out today. You can see fall is on the way in the bright berries forming, the tall fireweed is almost finished blooming, and the rustling trees are reluctantly shaking one or two golden coins onto the earth as they dance in the breezes.  It is an incredibly  beautiful world!


Cat in the Hat Kind of Mess


The Cat in the Hat, Dr. Seuss

I have been incredibly busy this last week. Little Bear arrived on Saturday last and we have been busy getting stuff sorted. In spite of the several bags of clothes donated, more than a dozen carrying sized boxes of books (or grocery tote bags), and MANY large bags tossed in the trash, barely a dent has been made. I’m sharing photos so you can see what it looked like on Friday, June 15, 2019. Our original plans were to get a Ubox crate thing and the guys would get it ready to haul to the states. I’m pretty sure we won’t be able to do that. We are having a fabric, craft, yarn sale in July, which will help in the house debris immensely. I wanted an estate sale after that here at the house, in spite of the difficulty in finding it! But, I’m getting tired and I’ve not even been in Alaska a month yet! Having the youngest here has been helpful, in spots! He’s mostly motivated, but has a tendency to get side tracked.

He found some old VHS tapes (ok, that was redundant!) and is having so much fun watching life before he existed. (oddly, I’ve also realized how very similar my dad was to my youngest. They are not genetically attached, the last time they saw each other my youngest was almost 12, and they have the same kinds of humor and way they talk. Even Little Bear noticed it as he watched his Papa discuss juke boxes. ‘Mom, Papa sounds like I do when I record my shooting videos!’ They are both dry and amusing.) I have to rein him in when he wants to toss things. He’s learning to ask first! Lol

However, when his dad arrives, they have several chores to do. A part of the garage roof needs fixed so the squirrels won’t nest up there (see photo! Little Bear noticed they took at least 7 feet of fiberglass insulation and moved into the bottom half of an unfinished doll house. They are also gourmet squirrels as mom collected pine cones from all over the US and it looks as if they have been snacking on many of those finds!) The dripping sink still needs addressed. The kid did fix the screen door cuz it was driving him nuts (it wasn’t on my list, but I am more than happy it is done!). I need to find out if any of the juke boxes work anymore so I can sell them (they did in the tape Little Bear found!). We need to rearrange things so the house isn’t a disaster, which will not be easy!


My sister came and got the table, buffet, and hutch. But, as the kid said, she had a box of stuff and only took the box and now we need to find spots for the stuff. I have cardboard boxes of mom’s mismatched china, assorted glassware (she wanted the silver coated china from my grams and is going to hopefully try to sell the crystal), and a bunch of dishes. She came out three times to get each large piece. The first time, she was miffed at my son because her table got scratched (Little Bear was unimpressed. It did get scratched, but it can be buffed over and she’s going to keep it covered with a protector and tablecloths anyway. Then, he said, ‘It isn’t as old as she thinks it is. There are staples in the paper underneath and plastic bits on the drawer slides.’ I think he said they are probably innovations from about the late 50’s). The second time, she jumped out of her large F250..or is it a 350? And hurt herself. (once again the kid was unimpressed. She’s shorter than you mom and she’s not got a step on the truck. Of course she is going to land wrong sometime when she jumps out.) Anyway, she’s now on crutches and was told not to do very much. (since she is more my mom than I am, she will milk it and do beyond what she’s told. She also said her daughter has no muscles and her daughter proudly raised her bent bicep to prove her mom right! Which also didn’t impress Little Bear. If she wants muscle, she needs to use them to make them.)

This third trip out, she brought her spouse. Who spent most of his visit sitting in a chair on his phone. (granted, he had apparently not eaten and our dinner was in the crock pot. Pork, which is not on their menu, since becoming Jewish.) At any rate, Jake was picking up a few things. A white dresser she, for some unknown reason, had chosen at a yard sale years ago for mom to put in her room to hold fabric (see first room photo, which has changed a bit from when I showed a picture of that room earlier. It has a smidge of floor space now!)  and the hutch. Music Man was not thrilled at all with the ‘armoire’ Jake wanted back. He told Little Bear it was going to get donated (it was pressboard, but fairly sturdy until it encountered his hammered fists. Music Man didn’t want it anyway and he was irritated with his beautiful wife who was moving old furniture into their house when they had no room.) His daughter was scared, Jake was wet cat mad, and Little Bear and I were very glad to see them drive away. He took the doors off the hutch, which was odd. They latched closed and a blanket could have been put on top to protect it since it was flat on its back on the covered pickup bed. Instead, the doors were off and wrapped in a flannel sheet. (Little Bear was also unimpressed with that. Music Man stripped some of the older screws and as said, he could have transported the hutch in one piece. But, it isn’t his responsibility and after they left we had our pork and watched ‘Milo and Otis’.)  The second photo is totally different now. The dark shape is gone (that is the hutch) and the card table has dishes and vases all over it that I need to fill boxes with.

These two photos

are a part of the family room and the store room. I’ve not touched those rooms (except to take out a LOT of books from the family room) and Little Bear is sleeping on the hideabed  now. As to the Ubox, the guys want me to put anything I want to have in the states in that box by Thursday of this next week. It will leave for the Northwest the next week. Little Bear was shocked when I told him I didn’t want to have everything there. I want to stay here. And honestly, WHY do I want to move some of these things anyway? I can live in Oregon perfectly fine without most of them. Just cuz some of them are things I’ve always liked or wanted doesn’t mean much. It is just stuff. (note: I did find 5$ in the stuff I sorted today!) I’d rather leave it here. And if we do not take the box this summer, we’ll have to do it next and it would be much more efficient. By then, I’d have things sold off a bit easier and maybe even figure out a way to keep it! (I’ll talk to the financial guy next week, too)


The darn skeeters were all around me! 

UGH! This is really long. I’ll stop now, but I’m not sure when I’ll get back to blogging. We didn’t go out (we also didn’t feed mosquitoes. Little Bear thinks vampires like mosquitoes since vampires also turn into bats and bats are huge mosquito predators. I think if vampires eat mosquitoes it is more like a sunflower seed where they suck out the inside and spit out the ‘hull’…)  tonight to watch the sunset, which turned the lake to fire. We need to leave mid-morning to get The Craftsman from his journey north and we are both very tired. I also think I’m getting a cold of some sort. My eyes are all goopy.

I’ll leave you with a pretty photo from this week!


Friday Night

Photo by Ivan Obolensky on Pexels.com

She had gone to bed early, waiting for him. He came in the room to get ready for bed and saw her waiting. His smile caught her breath and he crept under the covers to pull her close. As they kissed his hand dropped to her thigh and then inside her leg. She writhed under his touch and moaned into his devouring lips.

Gently, then with movements aided by primal hunger, they wound themselves around each other in the blankets. The darkened room filled with heat. The two lovers merged into one. Over and over, he thrust himself into her willing body. The jazz music he’d turned on, the taste of sweat on his skin, and the feel of her body stretching combined into a sensory overload. They couldn’t see much, just shadows, it was enough. Their enjoyment continued as the two tumbled into sleep, still wrapped in each other’s arms.

In the morning, birdsong woke them, but the dream went on.

What really happened:

She was in bed in her jammie top and panties pretending to read Jonathan Livingston Seagull. He finally arrived, with the cat following. Moses hopped up on the bed, was petted (to be fair, he was insisting on it!), and she was talked to about Moses. He crawled into the just washed sheets and blankets (clean linen is so sensuous!!!) after turning off the light and moving Moses. The two kissed a couple of times, one of his hands was ‘petting’ her bare thigh, and eventually he went to sleep with his hand on his tummy. Quietly, she moved her hand under his, palm against his lower abdomen. (She was remembering friends who suggested she encourage him in different ways). He sighed and his fingers instinctively clasped hers. Moses walked around the prone bodies looking for a place to rest, she moved him to the foot of the bed, where he stayed briefly. She stroked the slumbering man’s inner thigh with one hand while the other was held captive. Eventually, she realized his grasp had loosened and he was truly asleep. Moses moved to up in the bed to between her legs where he curled up for a nap. She smiled at the cat, carefully moved her hands since they were trapped (sleeping bodies must be heavier than ones awake!). Quietly, she listened to the CD always played at night, thinking of the futility of intimacy in the 5th decade. She eventually fell asleep.

In the morning, she woke and he tried to cuddle her. Unfortunately, she had to use the bathroom, he already had. After, she checked her glucose, took a smidge of insulin, she got back into bed. He stroked the side of her face over and over. Eventually, she moved to kiss his hand (the touches were a bit repetitive and not a bit sensual). He stopped moving and eventually dropped off to sleep. He was briefly awakened by her alarm and her movements to reach over and turn it off. She spooned against him, wriggling her bottom a bit, and he started stroking her arm. Until he dropped off to sleep again. After 30 more minutes, he finally got up and dressed, opened the blinds to the sunshine, kissed her as he exited the room, leaving the door open wide.

Photo by Burst on Pexels.com

I know he’s tired. I know we both hurt from our uncertain life stages (him-shoulders and back and knee, me-at least one disease that makes most of me worn out to the max!). I know I’m not thin anymore. I know I don’t believe I spend enough time doing things he’d like. (I did watch part of an old Jimmy Stewart movie he was watching. I was doing chores in between scenes. Since I leave in a week, there is a great deal to do!) I know this week has been busy for both of us and scheduled time is a necessity. We are going with the kid to see End Game on Sunday, so I reckon I’ll get to sit in between the two during. (back seat on the way there and probably next to after while they eat). Although, the time he wants to go is going to be difficult. I always need to check my glucose around 5 and definitely at 6. I will probably need to eat a protein bar during the movie, negating a need for a full meal after when they are eating. The movie is long and we’ll be in the theatre at that time. I’m sure it will work out, I may need to sit on the aisle so I can leave for 5 minutes. As I said earlier, ‘Let it Be.’

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

OH, I had a blood draw on Friday and it didn’t take much time at all. I got to hold a purple warm hand for a bit (glove filled with hot water) and she used a butterfly on top of my hand, but she got what she needed! Whoo hooo! My endocrinologist appointment is on Tuesday-at 4 pm!!!! (I planned that poorly!) And I need to get dinner from the oven right now, so may your weekend be great and your experiences full of good things.


Photo by Frans Van Heerden on Pexels.com

It is Saturday. I’m thinking about the songs I shared and wishing life was one of those musicals where everything ends up ‘Happily Ever After’. (Ohhhh, ‘Enchanted’!!!!) Although, to be quite honest, my favorite song from THAT movie is ‘That’s how you know.‘ So much satire and happy that seems to be completely carefree and unrealistic!

But, yeah. I want to dig a hole and crawl inside and pull it after me. My glucose has been up and down. I woke this morning with my right leg heavy. Seriously, it feels like a block of wood. (I want to cry. I just got so I was able to move again!) When I got up, I realised I’d been sleeping with my hand between my legs on an inside thigh and there were red fingerprints for quite a while! Thus, I’ve been stress baking all day.

Earlier this week, the kid was planning on attending a gun show and asked his dad, ‘Hey, I’m going to a gun show on Saturday. Are you going to go to that Home Show you went to last year?’ The Craftsman adamantly discoursed on why he did not want to go. Then, Little Bear said, ‘Oh, I thought you’d want to take mom.’ I was then asked if I wanted to go. (Like I’d want to go somewhere after hearing definite reasons why the other person would not want to!) So, I baked and he dinked around here and there and watched movies on TV.

He actually held me for a bit (I took the initiative and moved near him.) this morning. Unfortunately, the kisses I got were all in a dream. Literally. He even put his arm around me. First time in almost two months. I’d think things were more positive, but it sucks that the most communication I get is with my boys. One who is across the country! Oh well, I reckon it is time to make dinner. Waffles. (OH!!! I have frozen chicken strips I could also bake..I’ve not had chicken and waffles since I took mum to the big city for her pain pump!) Nope. The man says he’d prefer scrambled eggs with ham bits and cheese. Le sigh. (and thus is my world…to make everyone around me as happy as possible.)

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Backsliding again


It is Sunday. I’ve enjoyed a fairly fun week til today. Today’s been really hard. I went to mom’s church for the first time since her service and what might be the last time until I return. I understand change has to happen. I understand I should be able to shake off my sadness and not experience despair at the oddest times. I realise I should not expect people to give more than verbal assurances of help. It does help to know people want to do things. I’ve been in tears off and on all day. This afternoon wasn’t too bad until I was picking up some dirty things and had to put the jammie top mom took off to go to the hospital her last stay back on the doorknob of the bathroom door. I was huddled on mom’s bed in tears (it was mom’s while I was crying. I’m slowly taking over, unfortunately, I backslide.) when The Craftsman texted me some lovely photos of leaves in Oregon and to tell me he was barbecuing pork chops for dinner. I had to focus on texting, so the tears stopped for a bit. I mentioned I was crying (I didn’t tell him I’ve not eaten much today) and his response was that he wished he could help. I didn’t say much more than it didn’t matter. (if wishes were horses, we’d all have barns and probably own all of Garth Brooks music or Jim Reeves..wait, I think Dad did have his!) Then, he texted he should have sent Little Bear up this week to help me. That would have been nice. I need bodies to move boxes, help pack stuff in totes, and organize things so I can put the garage in the car. Jake says she’ll be here tomorrow with Pippi (By the by, Jake is my sister, Pippi is her youngest daughter. The Craftsman is my spouse and Little Bear is my baby…ok, he’s 24.) Unfortunately, she and her daughter are not altogether efficient workers. She also wants mom’s Pacifica. I’m not leaving her the car, neither of her vehicles are in good shape because she tends to use things up very thoroughly. I spent a lot of money on mom’s car this year and now it is mine. I use things, but I also try to care for them so they last. It would be bad stewardship to let Jake borrow the car for several months. Oddly, The Craftsman asked if I wanted a different car when I return. The owner of the shop he works at picked up an Escape with a tranny problem. (the owner thought it would be a nice rig for me!) I told him if he wanted to do that, it was up to him. As long as it drives well and doesn’t end up needing towed after a several hour trip, I’m good with it! (I did laugh a bit, the older Escort I normally drive was a new to me rig that was picked up while I was in Alaska when my dad died.)

I’m hoping the septic will be started on Monday. It would be nice to get it fixed. I have also looked into security for the house. However, those fun inexpensive home security things almost all use things like reliable internet or cell service. One system called Ring was very interesting and remarkably affordable and easy to install. Alas, when I called to ask more questions, the young man who answered told me it probably wouldn’t work. He’d recently talked with a customer, elsewhere in Alaska, who had to eventually return his system to the store. At least the salesman was honest. I’m now looking at something else and am waiting for a call on that. I also might have someone stay here off and on, but that is sort of uncertain, too.

I may have adopted mom’s learning disabled friend. She used to call mom all the time, she can’t write very well or manage much. Mom was supposed to send her a doll after it was fixed. I cannot find the doll anywhere and have tried to give this girl my cell number. I might need to send it to her in a card. Although, she won’t be able to read it. Anyway, she won’t answer her phone if she doesn’t know who it is, so if she has mine, I can let her know if and when I find the doll. It is supposed to be ‘mannequin sized’ and ‘bald’. (yeah, YIKES! Mom had a habit of collecting dolls that need work, doll heads, and assorted body parts for them. I found a glass fairy leg in her jewel box, plus other small broken bits of porcelain dolls.)

It is getting colder. There was snow further north today. Not here, although it is expected. I should turn up the heat, unfortunately, I’m also sort of in a stalemate with the electric company. For some reason they won’t let me take care of mom’s account, except to pay it. Getting into it or changing the house into my name is becoming uphill work. Thankfully, her annuity is in the bank and came to the right address in Oregon. Most of it appears to be spent already! I need to pay the lawyer, a few bills (her medical and credit card ones will come from the estate, thankfully those are smaller than the septic and security and..), the tax consultant, and something I’ve always wanted that is almost frivolous.

I’ve had some well-meaning souls tell me it is time for me to put everything aside and move on. I logically should sell the house and car and put all of the money into the house in Oregon, where I live. I need to realise my life is there and not in Alaska anymore. Besides, I could stay for a couple weeks a year in a hotel, with a car rental for much less than I can by having a house with the things it entails. I let them talk. It doesn’t matter.

I’ve also had a tummy ache for most of today. I am going to see if mom has some ginger tea in her stash of boxes of tea!

Well, I’ve waffled on for longer than I should. My next posts will touch on last week and Saturday, which were much more fun. (Plus, I’ll add more photos.) Oh, I didn’t mention the frivolous thing I wanted to get. I want a passport again. I know I will most likely never ever need it and it would be better to spend that money somewhere else, but I did say I wanted to do something completely frivolous, but relatively useful.

Twister Tuesday

Twister Tuesday is what I think today should have been called. (and not the fun game with dots on plastic). I’m so tired and achy, I think even my toenails are worn out!


I couldn’t go back to sleep after getting ready to leave this morning. I tried and almost dropped off when mom walked to the stairs (I was surprised she did that!) to moan/speak a question about our departure time. Since I was awake, I had talked to the nurses again and told them mom hadn’t gone to the hospital. They suggested I call her primary doctor person. So, I did. At the clinic with the pain doctor (she increased the doses again and mom did NOT tell her the meds weren’t doing as much as they hoped.), it was discovered mom had a slight temp. Now, normally this isn’t anything to wonder about. In mom, who is rather ill and has perfect stats, this was odd. They contacted mom’s primary (or said they would) and I made an appointment on the spot for her.

One of the strange things that happened was mom was given a script for the medicine Ambien again. The doctor said she did not like that med, she would not prescribe it, but mom’s body was used to it and taking it away and replacing it might be harsher on her than keeping it. YIKES!!!!!

Since the new appointment was ages away, we went into town and ate lunch and I took a book back to the library for her. Mum didn’t eat much, but no matter. We arrived at the appointment a bit early (in spite of stopping in the busy town for mom’s favorite orange cinnamon bread—I got an apple fritter and will post a pic later!) and eventually mom was seen. Her temp was normal this time, her pee test was ok, she is not dehydrated, and so they ordered bloodwork and an xray. She can do the blood on Thursday before the other two appointments. The xray, her physician wanted that NOW.

At the hospital the corridors were a long and winding way due to construction. (I think the whole borough is under construction!!!) Mom managed, but it was rough going. She finished and SSC came in for testing. SSC looked uncomfortable in a hurting way and mom looked grey. I was worried to bits between them!!!

We finally got home and mom is sleeping. She’s absolutely exhausted, unless you ask her! She says she just a little tired. I know she doesn’t feel good and is tired, she allowed me to touch her several times. Just on her shoulder or her leg, but she almost always brushes me off, so I found this a success. I did overhear her tell someone today, ‘I’m glad I wasn’t by myself.’ As for me, I had an apple fritter and should mow the yard, but am seriously thinking of a nap while I listen for phone calls about mom.