Resilient

I am a firm friend of resilience. Reeds that bend and don’t break. Willow trees that bow and spring back. Daffodils and spring. This last weekend it snowed. It froze. Temps dropped to the low twenties F and bobbed back briefly. The US went crazy buying things in excess (like Black Friday, only meaner and without that loving end that Christmas has). My chest started to ache, along with my lower back, and today I have a headache. Yet, I’m reminded over and over at what a beautiful world we have.

Friday night it started to snow and I crouched in flakes to capture what I thought was the last of my crocus. I was certain the daffs would be ok, they are a tough, toxic plant. Except on Sunday, I found the daffodils along the house in back were encased in ice. Snow had fallen off the roof, had melted, solidified, and turned the vibrant line of yellow flowers into a scene from Frozen or a fairy tale. I was sad, but decided to clip as many as I could. I carefully snipped stems through coatings of ice and brought them inside. They sat melting in the sink and eventually, snapped out of their chilled look into gorgeous heralds of spring. Granted, a few are a bit tattered, but I have 4 vases full! Even the tree down the road looks festive in snow. Not sure if there will be any apricots (it is an apricot tree!), but it does look beautiful!

Monday was odd. I got a lot done and didn’t get much done til the end of it. (I know, it was odd!!) Thankfully, I folded clothes during a black and white Agatha Christie movie (Murder Most Foul). I learned a dear friend I made online several years ago died from heart surgery complications, I’m still stunned. (I’ll always remember him with daffodils. Bright, cheery, sturdy, ordinary, and friendly..although, Wayne wasn’t toxic…) Today is St. Patrick’s Day. Many people are whining worse than I did with mom because they can’t do what they want. Kids are having a fun vacation from school (til the start of April) and hanging out with grandparents. Others just cannot wait til this is over and things get back to normal. I’m moderately annoyed cuz I am almost out of baking powder, flour is one of those things not on the shelves (I thought I had more than I did), and hoping my family stays well. Because, hunkering down isn’t something most of the people in the US can do without losing jobs or paying bills.

The Iditarod is going well. Some villages have made alternate places for the mushers to rest with their dogs, one gal’s sled caught on fire (no, she wasn’t going too fast.), and the festivities after have been canceled. It appears to be one of the last sporting events happening right now and they aren’t transporting serum to Nome. (thankfully!) Sharing a fun link of some of the dogs running this year.

The Winery Woman shared a motto sent to her and I’m sharing it on. From Costa Women: “Distance today will allow us to embrace tomorrow.” In this, I was thinking of all my friends who are distant and how special you are. Especially, at helping me embrace tomorrow. I just love you guys and gals!!!!!! Virtual (and safe) hugs and kisses!

‘Teeny Tiny’ and tomorrow

I’ve not wanted to write anything. I’m a tad depressed. Not cuz of the weather, which is boring (no snow, just wind and a smidge of rain and a bit of a chill). Not cuz of the doctors, exactly. I think it is more because I need to get off my lazy duff and take care of myself by myself. KK once told me eons back something I wrote down and keep next to my earring holder so I can see it every day. He said, ‘Always remember, Dear One, that no one will care about your daily and eventual health more than thou.’  I need to care.

This New Year, I’ve read several books and notes and what not with thoughts and theories relating to health and taking control. The universe is telling me to do it, heeding that call is more difficult than it appears. It is crazy. I want to be well and healthy (most humans do), yet to do it goes against the grain (bad pun!) of generations. I was reading in one book where humanity prefers the path of least resistance, they enjoy bad food for the moments of pleasure they gain. Ignoring the overall picture of fat and sloth. Eons past, white flour or refined sugars were considered food for the elite, so to go back to bread that resembles something one could get knocked out by is going backwards. I mentioned to The Craftsman that I would start using whole wheat and make sure there were the proper veggies around. He grimaced and suggested I not get carried away. (Personally, I am not sure I could stop baking. Baking and reading are two of my escapes.)

Yet, food is just a portion (another pun!) of the changes I need to make. Moving is so hard for me. Rhapsody mentioned in a recent blog that you just need to take one step at a time. Such an encouraging blogger! The author of Cauldrons and Cupcakes is another blogger I appreciate for her words of wisdom. (actually, all of the blogs I read encourage. I think I’m one of the whiners…Wine blogs are fascinating!)

I visited a doctor on Friday, last. I hurt so much, I can’t sleep or sit and walking is painful. He referred me to physical therapy. For my arm. Not for walking or my aching knee. When I visited the MS doctor, she was pleased with my tests, but also referred me to therapy. For what she anticipates might be arthritis. I’m thankful to learn the pain and memory lapses and balance issues aren’t from MS or diabetes, I don’t really think it is arthritis. Maybe the therapy can lead somewhere. The neurologist told me I did have lesions in my brain and my spine from MS However, they were all ‘teeny tiny’ and not elongated. (she was cute, probably my age, but not as dilapidated!) They seemed to be stable. I don’t think she had records from my last MRI in 2015, to get those I need to request them again. She was unhappy with the lab I visit. They didn’t send her the results and then they didn’t even get one of the tests she had ordered. (I’ve had trouble with them before. In fact, the last three doctor haven’t gotten the labs they requested! I know I gave the blood. I just wonder what they did with it.  I’m reminded of a physician in AK who had clinics in other states. He was hoarding urine samples and charging Medicare a lot of money for bogus urology tests. I’m sure this is not the case, probably….) I see Dr. Z again in February for nerve testing. I’ve never had that before, it is supposed to be an hour and should be interesting. I may need to find a ride up. The Craftsman has taken two half days to drive me up and back (150 miles round trip) and I shouldn’t keep bugging him. The visits take ages, too.

We have been sleeping apart the last nights. It appears I snore now. He did say it was something he had never noticed before, but it is too disturbing. Since my arm and hips and legs ache and I have trouble sleeping anyway, I hang out elsewhere with Moses, which also helps! He is the breadwinner and it is his insurance and job that handles the medical bills, he needs to rest. I have noticed that I breathe better sitting upright and I can feel my throat close up when I crumple over in sleep. None of the physicians have noted anything off in my lungs and a hot shower as soon as I wake usually helps me get back on track. Mostly.

My left eye is always gummy and both of them are constantly weeping. I absolutely understand not wanting to be around me much. I’m a mess!!! (I wonder if I have another left tooth pulled, might that help my sinuses and eye…everything is connected. Losing one more wouldn’t really matter. Especially, if it made me feel better! One of my dearest friends had a bad tooth that she poured thousands of dollars into-at one point the dentist lost the tip of a drill inside it!- She eventually had it pulled and several health problems vanished!)

All in all, this is a very long silly post on health. Tomorrow we might get winter, which would be lovely. I told The Craftsman I wanted to get some big tumbleweeds and spray paint them white and make a ‘snowman’. He liked the idea, but said he’d not like me to collect weeds in any of the vehicles I regularly drive! I reckon I should wait for actual snow to craft with. It is tidier!

2015now

December 2015

 

Achilles and Angels

I recently thought about how each of us probably has an Achilles heel. A place we are vulnerable and a spot that gets us every time. Granted, we don’t get killed from this place of weakness (I hope!), but it exists and generally isn’t good. Then, today, while waiting for a friend, I started a short story in an erotic anthology. (this is a fairly good anthology series. I enjoy a short that is fairly well written and makes one think. There are some typos, a few bobbles here and there, and the editing isn’t as good as I’d like. I think those come within the territory of ebooks in this age) This story, it made me think. And so, you are getting a post about Achilles and Angels.

The story is titled ‘Bringing Angels to Life’ by Chloe Thurlow. A little bit like ‘My Fair Lady’, but not exactly. (oddly, until typing those words, I had not even noticed how similar it was in genre to that classic musical or even the story of ‘Pygmalion!) The story is about a man who sees a woman and awakens her, the author litters the short with pithy sentences that I ended up highlighting (I wonder if that is why my iPad went from full to 14% in just a few hours???).  Thinking about my own Achilles heel of being responsible, of doing for those around me and not as often myself, these phrases showed me places I need awakened. This will be a long post. Bear with me!!!!

This first quoted started my words winnowing, ‘What is life for, but to be lived?’  Mum made me aware of this and in the last months, I’ve forgotten it a bit. She always planned or said she would do something and it never was done. I have wanted to do things this year, they generally are pushed off because of responsible.

Was I living life? Or was I like the hands on the clock, just going through the motions?’ ME in Oregon or taking care of mom. I didn’t want to come back to the house today, because I am doing the same things over and over. (granted, as I work by myself or with others, I am making a bit of progress) ‘I wasn’t sure if chances came or chances were something you made happen yourself.’ Exactly true. In my Achilles heel, do I wait for chances or do I reach out and grasp them? ‘You only fail when you stop trying, stop believing. I was waiting for something to happen without realizing I was waiting. It was like I was dreaming of winning the lottery, but neither had the ticket or the intention of buying one.’ OUCH!!! I look at where I am with The Craftsman, dream of where my life could be, and do not do a thing besides what I’m expected to do. (I have had affairs. They have taught me more about myself than 30 years of marriage. Odd!)  One of my friends is changing his life, I’m so proud of him. I need to not just follow his example, but strike out onto my own path of change.

I laughed at this next quote I found. It was so me. Except I don’t look for new shoes, I look for books. The main character is wondering what she wants to do and glances down. ‘Some new shoes, I thought, that’s what I need.’ I highlighted it because it is so easy to find important things one needs that are useful for our daily life, but not what our soul needs.

The tired working woman character meets the Angel Maker after work and he says, ‘Come.’ She ‘realised I had been waiting as if on a cliff edge and just needed a push.’ When we are bent on one pattern, it takes something major to move you out of that rut. I have many places that trip me up. I don’t have a very good self-image. Mom didn’t encourage me much, my spouse doesn’t, and I absolutely crave being told I look nice or am pretty (I know, women are supposed to be beyond that. We are supposed to be lauded for our brains or achievements. I figure I can start with pretty and go from there!). The Angel maker tells the female character, ‘you are more interesting than you think you are.’ When I’m told this, I am flabbergasted. I often excuse the person saying it because they don’t know me in ‘real every day life.’ He then tells the woman, ‘You are here because you want to be.’ She’s not so sure. ‘You are crossing a bridge that is burning behind you as you go, he said. You don’t want to go back into the flames, the what’s the word, the ashes. And you are afraid to go forward. Is true?’ I nodded, ‘Yes.’ ‘I learn in this life, we do not regret the things we do, only what we wanted to do and never did.’   Powerful thought provoking words, those.

The secret of life is to discover what you are good at, then do it, whatever it is.’ I’m not sure what I’m good at. I do like to make others happy. I should not do it at the expense of myself. I need to be the chocolate chip cookie maker and not the doormat. (I was sad last fall when I went back to Oregon and learned the guys sort of weaned themselves off of sweet baked goods. Now what do I do?) ‘I had been waiting for something to happen. I had grown used to waiting, and you grow tired of waiting.’ Actually, that isn’t exactly true for me. Sometimes I get tired of waiting (most of my blog posts the last couple of years! Or getting the pipes dug up—there is a tractor in the drive as I type!), generally I carry books to help me during waits. Escape into another world is a good way to make time vanish.

In her transformation, he begins by sexually loving her. I liked how these scenes were written. It wasn’t graphic, it was beautiful. He accepted her for what she was, saw her desirability in her work environment and her clothes, removed her from the former and removed the latter—not because they were offensive, but as a part of who she was– dressed her in those same things the next day, then took her to buy new clothing and be guided into the woman she should have been.  He accepted her and guided her. (I’d probably do anything for a person who accepted me for myself.) ‘He made me feel wanted, beautiful, special.’ ‘I looked sexy but, more than sexy, I looked in the warm yellow light almost beautiful, and more than that, I looked happy, and thought those things go together like a matching handbag, shoes, and gloves.’ He pretends to be startled by the transformation and she laughs. He notes, ‘There is nothing sexier than a beautiful girl laughing.’ (NOTE: I had no idea sexual intimacy could be fun until I experienced it! I am a great flirt and giggle often while doing that, but laughing and giggling during sex? Blasphemy!) This last quote, I have experienced. KK told this to me years ago and it is a card I pull out every now and then. ‘If you think you’re beautiful, and special, if you lift your chin and hold your back straight, you are a desirable woman.’ ‘Remember at all times, and never forget it: you are a lady, not a tart.’ Then, the Angel Maker reminds her to ‘Never complain, never explain, and never apologise. Some famous lady said that, it’s good advice.’

As in ‘Hello, Dolly!’ ‘When you wear beautiful things, you do feel beautiful.’ I wore black sparkly tights today and my split jean skirt with a favorite flannel top that has a black velvety collar.  Warm and I felt it was pretty. (It was pouring rain today. When I texted The Craftsman that it was raining cats and dogs and I thought a St. Bernard landed in the lake, he responded with ‘A St Bernard?’ I should have just stuck to basic raining! Lol) Since I was meeting one friend for lunch and hoping to see another and shopping, I wanted to feel good and I did. This story I started, it helped me realise I need to wake up and shake off the clinging arrow in my foot.

I don’t need to keep waiting for something, I need to do. Whether I go back to school or move to Alaska or what, staying inside the house cooking and cleaning isn’t all I was created for. Taking care of mom won’t last forever. (I hope!)  I’m good at being responsible, somewhere there must be a different shoe for this Achilles heel of mine.

The Long Goodbye–a long post

The Long Goodbye is a ‘neo-noir‘ movie and is EXACTLY  what I’ve been doing since May 2014. I didn’t know it then, but those weeks were the opening scenes. Mom was the main character, I was a strong supporting actress and changed the most. My neighbor said this is what I’ve been doing, saying goodbye for a while. She is right.

I came to Alaska that spring because of a comment a friend made. I’d mentioned I rarely came home since dad died and he asked me why. I could not answer! Completely dumbfounded, I made my first foray north since February 2006. I didn’t stay very long that summer. Mum seemed to have most of her oars in the water, usually! We did a few excursions and I wish I’d pushed her to do more. I do remember the septic was being horrible and was dug up and replaced by something like a crib. The next year I arrived after Memorial Day and stayed til October. That was the year of the sewer flood. When the kid reversed the flow, pumping 22 hundred gallons of raw sewage INTO mum’s basement instead of sucking it out of the holding area. That was truly a memorable summer. (Shudder!) My whole family came north to help sort and work for a week. They took back so much stuff, including several jukeboxes and the Mercury (which is going to a car show this first full weekend in September.). I ended up leaving in October. It took that long to get mom’s stuff from the containers in the yard back into the house. I think that was the summer she finally changed her will to have me be the executor (I had no idea what that would mean, but I am so glad it was my job and not Gigman’s-my BiL!).

I didn’t go north in 2016 til mid-July. I waited til The Craftsman’s birthday was over and then flew home. Mum had started chemo that May and wasn’t doing quite as well as she thought she might. (in all her years of colon cancer and breast cancer, she’d never gone through chemotherapy. She had radiation for those, but not chemotherapy). We also had a brand spanking new septic system. That summer was ridiculous hard. I finally was able to get her to sign papers for me to become her Power of Attorney, they were dated wrong, but gods…the darn things had been sitting waiting for her signature for MONTHS! I knew mom was sick, she kept having delusions of what she wanted instead of what she could have. (She did that til the day she died.) Doctors seemed to ignore her and my frustrations. Everyone insisted mom was ‘fine’. (I HATE that word)

I left for Oregon in mid-October again. I flew back home November 3, 2016. I stayed with mom in the hospital for weeks. This was when we realized the POA papers were wrong. This is when I got a tiny inkling that my goodbye was going to be full of responsibility. I have to admit, I am thankful mom hung on as long as she did. I grew up a great deal, but I also got tons done that may not have been as easy if she’d not been alive.

This is also when my blogging worlds came to my rescue. My followers (I had no idea I’d get any, I was so stressed and upset and tied up in things I didn’t understand. I just wrote!) became friends, some of you very good friends. My live friendships touched on me now and then, you sustained me. For more than two years you have encouraged and lifted me up in every facet of my new normal. A normal I’d no idea was even possible. Each day I was certain mom was going to go, each day brought experiences that showed me how ridiculous mom’s life had been before I stepped in, and each day mom resented her loss of complete independence.

On September 3 of 2018, (photo in jacket is August of ’18) I brought mom home from the hospital. Again. I know she went back on the 8th, but for some strange reason I have little in the way of photographs or even notes during the month of September 2018 about mom. I’ve looked in all my blogs, my photographs, my journal entries….I didn’t look at any of the emails and texts I sent and haven’t deleted yet!! It appears she was only home for 5 days. That was the week she burned up her microwave and I had to buy a new one she absolutely hated, partly cuz she had not chosen it! (I admit, I’m not fond of it either. It cooks too hot!!!)

After her death, I had to plan her memorial service, Jake was too busy to help much. That was when the septic went out again and it needed dug up. That was when I discovered what a freaking money pit this house was. I’m so thankful I had gotten it paid off and that she died after the taxes were due on it! I’m also glad she put it in my name, I’d hate to try to juggle repairs and bills with someone else. I started going through her things then..

Which leads me to this year. I put some of mom’s ashes in the lake on Saturday. The last of the ashes I have here will go on the Homer Spit in a few weeks. My sister wants to shoot her from a potato cannon. I just want to spread her. It will be a very fast trip up and back. Jake can’t take much time off for that since she took her entire week off to help me with getting mum’s sale ready and doing the sale (not exactly true. She was here on Tuesday afternoon for 2 hours, Wednesday about 3 hours, Thursday about 3 hours, Friday she was here from 830-3, and on Saturday about 2 hours. I guess it was a lot. She had to take care of her family, animals, and had a spouse date on Thursday night at a super fancy place, as well!)

Anyway, it has been a long goodbye. I’m the not so bouncy core in ball of tired wrapped up in thankful with a dinged up coating of WTF? (that coating is purple by the way) This was a long post—but it does sum up 5 plus years of a past leading into an uncertain present. I don’t know what I’m going to do yet. I’ve no idea how to pay for this house over the winter, but not rushing to get it ready to leave by mid-October was a restful decision. I’m so damn tired of making decisions, not being able to eat our cuz I’m tired of rice cakes and eggs, not being able to do errands cuz it is too expensive to go anywhere, and being surrounded by clutter that does NOT seem to vanish!!!

 

I am making progress of a sort. Donating is looking better and better, although I sincerely need the money. I think I have enough to do exactly what needs done, for now, so why want more? As Mary Poppins said, ‘Enough is as good as a feast.’ Even if I’d love more jam with my bread/rice cakes and tea. (Laughing, same actress, different nanny!) I’m more than thankful for the hope and encouragement of all of you and knowledge that somewhere there will be an end to this particular journey. Someday….

Moon

Photo from a few weeks back. taken  by a friend who boat fishes for a living-

Solstice Weekend

Two years ago, when I went north to be with mom, this area of Oregon got a lot of snow. (Above photos are from Dec 2016 in OR and in AK) We got quite a bit in Alaska, too. Last year, I was out in snow during the Winter Solstice. This year? It is windy and cloudy and a bit foggy in spots. Today, I went outside to take photos of the latest Christmas light display The Craftsman put up (Little Bear moderately helped) and toss some food scraps into the mulching bin. I need to force myself to leave the house, but I can’t find a reason! Too chilly for yard work and walking is painful.

I haven’t been dizzy in days, but oh my does my leg ache. It feels like a length of wood. I’m rather glad I’m not climbing up and down the stairs to the basement at my northern house. Being flat is less painful, but rather limiting in getting things done. I did spend quite a bit of time baking on Thursday (I made several batches of cookies. Not entirely sure exactly how many total, but a lot. I won’t bake cookies that make less than 4 dozen in a batch. Seems like a waste of time!) and stood all day. Friday I baked blueberry muffins (which I’ll post the recipe for as it is really easy and delicious). I’ve also been cleaning and making dinners.

Things I need to do and haven’t? Almost anything to do with mom. This was her favorite holiday and the other night I was almost in tears, in bed, as I thought about how much there is to do in Alaska, how I am not sure how I am going to be able to pay for the place to keep it for even a few more months, how selfish mom was at getting what she wanted, and how I wish I could have something I’d like. This Christmas Eve she will have been gone 3 months……

In one of my very favorite books (I know, you have heard me say that before!!), there is a line about how after having a luxury, it is hard to go back to the simple things. (the book is Hans Brinker or The Silver Skates and Hans has just sold his iron skates and is putting on his wooden ones) As horrible and hard as Alaska was, there is much to be missed. Freedom being the foremost thing. It seems logical that I’ll have nothing left after paying all the bills to keep the house as long as possible. Thankfully, the memories and pictures will still exist.

I did drive my ‘new’ Ford a few blocks around town the other day. I’m pretty sure the back seat will be a great deal more comfortable than the Explorer’s. (we plan to see Aquaman on Monday afternoon and will probably eat out before the Christmas Eve service, since the guys both have gift certificates for a local restaurant. I hope we take it, but if there is snow, we might end up with the Explorer….this Escape doesn’t have winter tires yet.) Even my Escort back seat is more comfortable than the Explorer’s! (NOTE: I always sit in the back seat when we go anywhere as a family. I’m the shortest.)

Things around here are so hard to get used to. I keep forgetting that Little Bear is now 24 and I shouldn’t boss him around. He is handy to have in the house and he does do quite a bit. (and makes me laugh. The Craftsman left to go up to his mom’s to clean in the basement. Little Bear does lots of projects up there and when he found out what his dad was doing, he was flabbergasted. ‘What? It’s perfectly organized. I know where all my things are!’ His dad said he’d be sure not to ‘touch’ those things. I laughed.) I tend to forget how grown up he got while I was away. I often think about when he was little. One of my FB friends has a 6 year old who needs his tonsils out. Their insurance now requests a sleep study to prove it is necessary. I mentioned to Little Bear how glad I was we didn’t need that sort of thing when he had his out. I wondered if he remembered and he then told me some of the things he’ll never forget from that time. He was four!!!! (he did say it was pretty traumatic. I know it was for me!) On the positive side, his earaches ended, he stopped wetting the bed, and he didn’t get any more sore throats unless there was something going around.

gray and beige gift wrapper

Photo by Darcy Lawrey on Pexels.com

I mailed off Strider’s Christmas box on Wednesday and it was already in his possession! I was startled and very glad. I did forget to mail him the Tillamook cheese in the fridge, so will send another box after Christmas. He said he already opened up one gift, because the paper came off when he pulled it from the box. I knew the wrapping was compromised, but I thought the back was still fairly intact. Yup, it was. I was told it wasn’t his fault the back of the gift had holiday paper and the front was completely exposed. (Kids!!!!) He also said it didn’t count as his Christmas Eve present! (we always open one gift on Christmas Eve and the socks before anyone gets up and the rest after we eat cinnamon rolls. Gotta love tradition!)

Happy Winter Solstice to you!

orange and blue and white snow forest

Photo by aj povey on Pexels.com

 

Metaphors and Meanderings

Is it only the middle of the week? How odd. I feel like I’ve lived a lifetime in a few days. I often say how tired I am. It is true. I’m tired of everything. Thankfully, it is accepted and I’ve not been chastised for my thoughts.

I’m also done with fairy tales. Even printed ones are starting to pall. I’ve had a chance to be a princess or Lady a few times. It is heady and illogical. Like putting pearls on a swine (I have a college friend who has two pet pigs, I know she buys them bling!!). I need to remember my place. I forget when I’m brought up, though, and it is difficult to step back down. I become resentful and angry at myself for wanting more than I’m allowed or might deserve. I paint with a vibrant brush all that I see in my world, it muddies when I put those strokes to my own life, though. I need to be content with what I have, not yearn for fantasy and fiction, to enjoy the moments I get when they arrive. (I tell myself this often, I need to keep saying it!) I have been growing up a lot. I hate it. Growth hurts. I much prefer the small pot I lived in with the crowded roots. I wanted to burst out and did and now I don’t belong anywhere. I need to stop chasing rainbows. If one crosses my path, I can play with it, but they are fleeting ribbons, hard to hold onto. The prisms of color are fragmented when I try. Beautiful and broken.

So, in a more interesting strain, Monday was our trip to the big city. Of course, I had told mom we needed to leave at 8 am. At 745, she told me she needed to have her fitting changed and she was hurting so it would be best if I did it. I managed, but we were close to late. I had to drive carefully because of the roads. We even slid on an icy bit and mum was a bit put out with me. I don’t know how to drive on ice or in snowy conditions. She may be right, but these last years are the only time I’ve ever been allowed to. No one has ever taught me how to handle obscure road conditions. (I wonder if I can ask our neighbor, Sir Wrench, to help me? He is pretty unflappable and has a large truck to pull me from mishaps! Naw, winter is close to over. I think….)

Once at the office, Mum was the focal point of discussion with a team of doctors. All male. I had no idea you could crowd that much professional testosterone into a small examination room. I think there were 4, plus the male assistant recording the discussion. (I believe he finally choose one conversation to follow!) There was Greg, who graduated from High School in 1983 (odd how that sort of thing brings a connection, even when the people are from different places in the United States!), Dr. Luke, the newest doctor at the clinic (who was very nice), and another doctor who was, I think, observing, The most amazing thing, they listened to me, treated me as a human being and not just the person shuttling that older nice lady around, and gave me a chance to express my own concerns. After discussion, they raised the dosage in both her pain pump bolus and the basal amount. I just need to watch her for being too sedated.

We left and mum refused a wheelchair transport again. She insisted she was doing great. So, I let her be. At the airport, mum wanted something to eat. Her glucose had been around 200 and she’d had a cookie, but she said she needed to eat something. (Mine was around 102, I had a Glucerna, and knew I didn’t need anything.) I got her a pizza at a place in the airport. It was very good, I had to have a piece! I had taken my insulin, so knew I’d be ok. Mum was too embarrassed to take hers at the airport or even at the hospital where we were waiting for our very nice taxi driver who is always available. She finally took it around 430, when we got back to the house and she had gotten on her jammies. She was upset because it was in the higher 400’s.

Before we headed  home, I needed to drop off a new script for pain pills. I was so tired while waiting that I leaned on a supporting column at the pharmacy and almost fell to sleep! (each time I relaxed, I’d almost drop the things I was holding and that woke me)

One of the interesting things I did when I got home was to call the gal who teaches people how to use the pain pumps. I remembered in the mortuary information that before cremation pacemakers need removed. I wondered what to do with this thing. My question, ‘What do we need to do with the pain pump when mom dies?’ (it wasn’t quite that bald, I might have made the query longer) The lady replied, ‘Your mom’s not going to die!’ (I wondered if she knew mum’s grandkids also believe Nana is immortal and what clued her in!) Anyway, she did say it would need removed and discarded. I could send back the remote and antennae if I wanted or keep them. (MORE medical clutter!!!!!!!!!) On Tuesday afternoon, I called the mortuary. I could hear the man I spoke with blink when I asked my questions. (he had no idea what it was!) He then said they’d take care of it. I just need to make a strong notation on the forms that there is something medical inside mom and about where it might be.

Tuesday also brought a few more things to light. My not brand name syringes are a LOT longer than the ones I have been using. (photo is blurry, so not sure you can see with the shadow how much longer one is than the other.) I need to see if the pharmacy can write down the information from the bag of the ones I ran out of and ask the doctor if I can get a script for those next time. I have to tell you, I uncapped that thing and my tummy cringed!!! I’m not quite sure I have that much subcutaneous tissue. Even the pharmacist was disturbed by the length. We got more snow and as much as I rejoice, it may curtail some of my plans. Mum suggested it was a little bit of snow. It hasn’t stopped yet. Remember that line from the old Winnie the Pooh movie about the ‘gentle spring zephyr’ that was really ‘a very blustery day’? Yup. That is today. I reckon this month is coming in like a lovely snow leopard!  I was going to go to town tomorrow but I may, once again, not get to elf thoroughly because of a couple other things that I really want to do.

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My little sister, her daughter, and her spouse are very sick with fevers. She got sent home from work today. Mum doesn’t want to see them, she doesn’t want to be sick. I laughed. She went shopping today and am sure everyone was healthy (eye roll). She got some mini croissants again. I asked her why? I had thought she was going to not eat those anymore because of the fat content. She said it was probably not the croissants that were the problem. In the car, she was in a lot of pain (in spite of the new dosage). I asked if she wanted one of the pain pills I’d just picked up. She said yes and then asked for two. I asked her if she wanted me to get her a shake to wash it down and she said no, those make her glucose run too high. She followed that by telling me she purchased vanilla ice cream. (She had some after her dinner of a bowl of homemade chicken noodle soup and a chicken salad croissant. Her glucose was 214, she was pleased it was so good.) She also purchased Girl Scout mint cookie cereal and I stopped looking after that!

I haven’t spoken to The Craftsman since Friday. He’s sent texts. I’d call but, I’m not going to do anymore chasing. If anyone wants me, they know where to find me. I will send the guys another box tomorrow. Mum is getting rid of never opened movies and Little Bear said he’d not seen The Munsters. (Gotta educate this kid!) I bought a book to pop in the box, too. Earlier, I got a text from my eldest. It looks as if he is going to adopt. Another cat might be joining his family soon. Amber. (my middle name!)

OH! The young neighbors from across the lake just came to plow the drive since the snow stopped. I’m so thankful for those caring people.