Noise Cat Nips

“Every body has their taste in noises as well as other matters; and sounds are quite innoxious, or most distressing, by their sort rather than their quantity.” Jane Austen

4thofJuly

Fireworks are used to celebrate many holidays in the United States. Most cats (and dogs) can’t tolerate the noise and might crave being next to their two person, hide, or even run away. It is best to keep the furkidz inside and safe during these celebrations.

Kila was a cat of a different stripe. I’ll never forget finding him outside during one of the spectacular thunderstorms prevalent in Eastern Oregon. The dog was glued to my left leg, the other two cats were hiding in bedrooms, and Kila was under a tree in the front yard. I had been looking out the door, but it was too much for the furkidz, so I closed it and opened up the curtains in the living room. I noticed a cat and was surprised. In a flash of lightening, I noticed it was OUR house cat only cat and dashed out to rescue him. He must have slipped out while I had the door open and seemed completely at ease strolling acround the yard in the rain in the spectacular noise and light show.

In the photo, he’s looking out the window at flashing lights. Every school year, during homecoming, our small town has a noise parade. Each class has a flat bed or some other sort of conveyance decorated with streamers, balloons, kids, and anything that might make the loudest noise possible. The local firetrucks are also enlisted as the parade winds around the town celebrating youth. It is a rather loud 45 minutes or so. Which is the point!

The other furkidz in the family don’t enjoy this particular fall cacophony, Kila was always fascinated!

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What to Do?

I looked at myself in the mirror after my shower. I stared into the dark eyes and wondered what to do. The steam filled the glass obscuring my face and my question remained unanswered.

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Photo by Ivan Obolensky on Pexels.com

I’ve been taking care of mom the last couple of days. (blood tests, shots, fittings…) She’s needed it. The surgery, as usual, went well. Mom charmed everyone and made all those around her feel like mom was the nicest woman. I got a couple of ‘looks’ when I didn’t help her as much as they thought I should. I knew she’d push me away. I’ll let someone who gets paid for it help her. Mom is better with that. She did tell me on Saturday ‘I think I’d better let you take care of me today. I’m not quite up to it yet.’ She’s not sure she’ll feel well enough to attend church. She did come up with an idea, though. She ticked off some names of friends her age who have health issues on her fingers and said, ‘we need a prayer group for healing.’ I told her I’d take her to Minnesota and the Mayo Clinic, she didn’t respond. (I don’t understand this at all. All of her roots are there, plus her relatives. Ok, Aunt Opossum is difficult…but, she wouldn’t have to see her!)

I also learned on Friday mom’s car needs work again. Probably. Sir Wrench can’t look at it til late next week (he’s on vacation). He had hoped the symptoms I was describing were loose lug nuts, but after I took the infernal hub cap things off, the lugs were all tight. (I also couldn’t get the blamed things back on. Mom noticed.) It could be bearings or brakes or… Meanwhile, I was told to ‘be careful.’ I have one trip to the doctor next week (about 50 miles round trip or so) and I hope not much else.

I have not been on WP much to respond or comment. I do read blogs as they come thru my email. I’m incredibly thankful Jack is ok. I worry about Garfield Hugs and hope she didn’t trade Oz for a Zoo. I’m so glad her mom is out of the hospital. My heart is following Rhapsody as she struggles with her mom, too. Even Julie is having mom trials. It must be the season of ‘Mom’.

As I stood in front of the mirror, I wondered if I should force mom (like that will happen! Lol) to get rid of things and move into my house in Oregon. I wondered if my family could manage having mom there? She’d have to get rid of everything (I could probably move both pets, too…shudder!) and we’d need to give up the master bedroom. It’s large enough she could have a sewing machine or whatever she wanted in it. She’s not getting better, she not really getting worse. Just in lots more pain. Would it be better for her in the states? (She did say tonight ‘something moved’ and she has diarrhea. But, she says that is probably cuz of taking more pain meds.)

By mid-July, I’ll have spent 2 years in AK taking care of mom (except for the 2 and half weeks I was in Oregon in October of ’16). I’ve been living out of a suitcase, I’ve been waiting to leave, and it isn’t fair to have all the chores left to one person when he was used to having them shared. I wanted to go back by The Craftsman’s birthday, that won’t happen. Mom has several important appointments that week. One with the radiologist again. If he tells her what I think he will, that the tumor is a bit bigger, but nothing really to be concerned with, I’ll ask about the clinic and see what he says.

I am glad I came up, I’d like to go back. Oddly, in Oregon, I was in a rut of existence. Here, I’m in a rut of a different kind of existence. I made the choice to come north, I need to choose what to do next. Unfortunately, the balls are scattered and I’m not sure which one to play thru.

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And Again….

I’m full of frustrated frustration. I look at what is causing it and it is mom. She managed to survive the other night, as did her dog. She’s continued to have highs in the higher 400’s, but seems to drop fairly fast back into the 100 range. The doctor is going to do the surgery on Friday morning, but did tell her it might not completely make the numbness and pain go away. She hurts so much in her abdomen, she continues to rest with a heating pad on her tummy. But, on Wednesday….

Breathe, Kris, breathe. I should have brought home ice cream. Not the one that is like a hug, I should have had the kind that is better than sex (ok, not all sex, but most sex!).

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fuzzy photo from solstice night

I left the house to return my library books. Wait, let me go back in time a bit…..

I did stop by the library on Tuesday to renew mom’s books. I didn’t know she wanted to do that. Before that, I took her to her appointment, stopped at two pharmacies for her (she didn’t feel like going in and turned on the heat to high while I was gone), then the library, I put gas in the car, and stopped at the post. All that time, she was whimpering and hurting and tired declining to move from the car. But, it was because something was ‘stuck’ in her intestine again and she didn’t take her Ritalin. Which brings us to Wednesday. She woke up with the roosters (we don’t have a rooster, but she’d probably have been the first one up!). I was startled. She turned on her oxygen around midnight and went to bed around 2am and then woke at 5 to turn it off and get up! I think she went back to sleep on the couch for naps, but I heard the floor creaking quite a bit. (Not the creaking sounds of settling, but the creaking sounds of busy feet walking around.) I had stayed awake reading and listening for her. (It is hard to drop off if I know she’s not where she’s supposed to be.) Thankfully, I had a good book. I was also VERY annoyed cuz mom’s internet decided to not work. But, as I said, I had a good book.

I had planned to do Kris things on Wednesday. Go to the library and house elf for my friend and take a shower at the house I elf at (in a larger than a phone booth sized shower with a hand held pulsing head on the shower thing. So nice!). I left sort of late, mom was sorting and asked me to wash a bunch of clothes so I could take them to a collection site someday (I didn’t take them today. She wanted me to wait). I did that and ate my lunch and left. By that time, she’d gone out to the garage to sort thru more boxes. (all the time, whimpering away) She keeps asking me if I want many of them, because they are way too big for her and the clothes are probably my size. I refuse most of them, I don’t need more clothes. I live in a basement! (I did take the purple hooded sweatshirt…..)

One of my favorite songs.

As I said, I finally left the house and headed into town. My first stop was my friend’s, where I tidy a bit. I managed to dislodge an impressive tower of balanced periodicals (it was impressive cuz it wasn’t that tall, but it was on one of those TV trays. I’m still in awe at how cleverly stacked they were), but thankfully, I didn’t muddle up too much more. (in case anyone wants to send for a northern house elf. I am really good at cleaning up and managing my own flamingo—see previous post) Predictably, my cell rang while I was listening to Bryan Adams and using the vacuum. (Missed medical calls annoy me, but I’ll talk to them tomorrow.) I had a lovely time in the shower and wished I could have stayed longer! I then picked up a rotisserie chicken for mom’s dinner with some tater salad and coleslaw (I like coleslaw, apparently mom does, too. She was glad I had gotten two kinds of salad!). I then stopped at the library and got not 4 books, but 3. The author was Bradley, the books were in a section with an author I am familiar with, but these books were not ones I knew. (Turned out this author has a different first name, they were just all stuck in the same area.) I got home, parked, and discovered a mess.

Mom doesn’t remember things very well. She says the things she does anyone could do, she is right, but she is getting very forgetful. Unfortunately, this afternoon what she forgot ended up pretty  icky. She turned on water in her bathroom sink to do something and forgot to turn it off. It flooded the upstairs bath (and the vanity) and somehow quite a bit of the laundry room, my bathroom, and a bit of the store room adjacent to the bathroom. I don’t understand the flooding pattern, it is different than the usual ones. I was so mad. Then, I remembered this quote I found today. It concerned advice for a girl who thought something she’d done killed a friend, but it fits with most of my life with mom. ‘Mourn properly…but do not take responsibility for actions you had no control over.’ (MZB, A. Norton, M. Lackey) In other words, manage my flamingo and continue to play the game.

I cleaned up the basement, hauled out trash from the deluge above and below stairs, and turned off the light mom left on in the garage. I wonder if I can give mom a smaller flamingo to manage. Like one of the ones I purchased this February?

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Fishing Cat Nips

The gods do not deduct from man’s allotted span the hours spent in fishing.  ~Babylonian Proverb

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For the boys, fishing is as normal as reading or hunting or breathing. They take after my mom and The Craftsman’s dad. They also absolutely love Chad Carpenter and his Tundra comics. Thankfully, everyone in the family is too fond of felines to allow these sorts of shenanigans to take place!!!

One of the crazier kinds of fish the kids have caught are catfish. I remember one afternoon, the boys left their cooler full of live fish on the porch (they aren’t very big) and Moses heard thumps coming from it. He wanted to investigate and was seriously surprised when I opened up the container and he discovered what was inside. (I did take photos, I can’t find them, though. Piffle!)

Recently, the guys decided to clean out our pond in the yard. (NO ONE on DIY shows ever tells you how much work these things are after a month. Ours happens to be under several trees and used to have a pond with a ‘creek’. The end of the creek was where the water collected to be shuttled back into the pond where it cycled all over again. That plan lasted one season before we opted to make it a pond with a dry creek. Not as much fun, but tons easier to keep clean.) Little Bear is always adding cats to the pond and the cats almost always jump out and die on the sod overnight. This particular afternoon, their hands were deep in the muck and a yell came from one of them. Something was alive down there! Turns out two cats managed to survive living in a murky shallow pond over the winter. We named them Levi (Leviathan) and Fred (I think that was the name Little Bear chose…).

Little Bear enjoys going out late at night with scraps of meat and a flashlight to feed them. Moses generally watches.

Long night ahead?

Just a note to say it might be a long night for Shadow Girl in the basement at her mom’s. Mum’s different. I say this fairly often, I think she wore herself out today.

This morning I picked up my niece and she was here for a couple of hours. I had her help me with a 70’s style ceiling light in mom’s room. The bulbs were both out and changing it took more than two hands. (the base was glass and needed held in place as a tiny screw was turned in the middle of it to hold it in place, covering the bulbs. Mom has lots of old lights like these and they make me nervous, I don’t want to drop one!) Mom was busy with her for that time and then, they left! I didn’t hear them leave and they didn’t yell goodbye. I was in the basement washing clothes.

Later this evening, I finally knew I needed to go shopping, so I did. Before I left, I made dinner and mom had a glucose of 457. I reminded her to keep an eye on it as it came down (she drops fairly quickly with just a smidge of insulin). When I arrived home, much later, mom said she needed an Ensure. I assumed she drank it and finished putting things away. I went in the living room and she was asleep and hadn’t opened it yet. I did that and noticed she had a plastic bag in her palm from something she had eaten. (I also noticed there were a great many pieces of licorice gone from the container I bought a couple of weeks ago.) I watched her drink it and she was really out of it. I let her be for a bit and much later checked her blood, which had dropped to the low 200 range. She allowed me to get her meds for her (she got into part of her jammies in the middle of the living room) and didn’t even finish watching the news before she went to bed. She even allowed me to let out the dog.

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Which was the next bad thing. I had thrown away some outdated bread and butter pickles and didn’t get them in the composter. Guess who found them? And those kind of pickles have onions in them. Onions, it appears, are bad for dogs. I enticed him to go for a short walk by tossing bits of cheerios ahead of him, he wasn’t impressed. However, maybe it loosened things up, so maybe in a bit I can let him out and he’ll void the lot. (the cat also threw up on the stairs)

While I am awake keeping an eye on life upstairs, I’ll be working on a post about something the ALA did this week that bothered me. (American Library Association)

In spite of all those things, however, the bees are going bonkers with all the flowers rushing to bloom before frost appears in September. I bought mom a pink lupine and am thinking I’ll plant it near the blue ones under the window overlooking the lake. (the blue ones are wild and everywhere, I even saw a wild white lupine today. I’ll try to get a photo of it this week. I took the blue lupine photos on the beach about 11pm. The pink one was about 1030pm. ) A postcard arrived a while ago from a fellow blogger who has written a number of enjoyable books and for my post dinner snack before I had dessert, I enjoyed delectable hand rolled spring rolls from the local Thai food truck out here. (no photo, they were too yummy!)

I also found an excellent poem by Jane Yolen and think this portion needs to be on a poster on my wall. The poem is called ‘Managing Your Flamingo’. It is from a short story about Alice and Wonderland.

‘The Queen growls: Manage your flamingo,

and others shout: Play on, play through,

As if it were life.

As perhaps it is.’

I’m off to manage my flamingo as I play through the game.

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Along The Way

Strider shared this song with me last week. It is peppy, contains a million references to stories, and is about going on. I’m glad he shared this, I fell in love with the words and the tune, and I am following a map into a land I’m not familiar with. I know, even if I’m not in a game or book, I am a traveler who often needs ‘spirits raised when in great despair’. I hope you enjoy it.

 

Mom is in a great deal of pain. The abdominal tumor is growing larger. The nurse knows something is not right and yet, there is a good chance the agency will drop mom again from their roster. The home health nurse says she is just not sick enough for them to be paid by Medicare. If she does have this surgery she’s supposed to for carpal tunnel, they may opt to do therapy. If so, they’ll visit for that reason. Her stats are still doing well, for the most part. She insists on doing things on her own. She shouldn’t live alone, but she refuses much help. Her glucoses this last few days have ranged into the 450’s often. The nurse told me something I once heard from The Awakened Gentleman ages past. Mom is probably going to hang on tooth and nail for quite a while.

On the night of solstice, I sat in the park where we have a bench with dad’s name on it and talked to him. (I was alone, it was after 1 am, talking to a bench is not as bizarre as it might be!) I used the f word several times, and apologized. I told him I’ve talked to him before and it doesn’t matter, but if he could just TRY to talk to mom and tell her it is time for her to leave, I’d appreciate it. The nurse has noticed nothing changes each time she visits. Mom repeats the same things and does the same sorts of things and says she’s planning on doing the same kinds of projects and doesn’t do anything. She’s spinning her wheels to stay alive and her life is hers, she’s not happy, she wants to do more and can’t. I know it isn’t any of my business to bother with how she is handling herself, I know she’s trundling on as best she can. I know she is a stubborn amazing woman. I know peace isn’t something she’s really very familiar with, so seeking it is just losing. Mom hates losing and refuses to.

I got as far as the above words the other day and had to stop. As for me, I am not feeling good. My jaw is still sore and I’m not hungry. Unfortunately, the few carbs I do eat are often all in one meal and that isn’t good either. So, I’m not losing weight, just parts of my life! I had plans for Saturday. Well, I had things I needed to do on Friday night, too. I have gotten none of them done. This is now Saturday afternoon and mom looks a ton worse than she has in days and I have no idea when I’ll get anything done.

I woke her at 6 am today, she didn’t get to bed properly til 2. Then, I heard her up at 8, so I kept my clock set to wake me and kept resetting it. I was supposed to have left today at 8 and I’d be back by lunch. (I have no energy!) Anyway, I awakened for the severalth time (that is several over and over, in case you wondered.) and decided to check on mom. She was just sitting up and looked like hell. I thought she’d had a stroke for a second. It was just a low glucose. I got her some Ensure and went back downstairs. I actually crawled back under a blanket! (thankfully, I was dressed!) At one, I figured I better check on her again. I pushed her to get up and eat, I am hoping she took some insulin. I suggested how much she should take, but she’s pretty out of it today. I’m often worried about her, for no real reason. I made her an appointment to see the radiologist again next month, anyway. The same day she gets the stitches out from the surgery.

My sister is bringing her daughter over on Monday. Pippi leaves to visit her older sister in Seattle soon, so Jake figured it might be good to have Pippi stay with mom for several hours during work hours. Mom has appointments on Tuesday and if my self isn’t better by then, I’ll call the dentist back. My appointment for the crown thing got pushed back a week cuz mom has two appointments one of those days.

I haven’t really been much online. Checking and reading thru emails and responding to very few. Posting brief notes on FB, making a few curt comments. I’ve not loaded any of the solstice photos onto the laptop yet. I have visited one of the pancreatic cancer pages on FB. I don’t know the odds of different cancers, but it sure as heck looks like a lot of people end up diagnosed with this particular one. I also downloaded a picture of a page someone posted. It is about things that might change before death, mom is between months not weeks and weeks not days. She’s been there for years. Which is why the nurse said what she did. Someone on the FB page mentioned how confusing it was. They watched their practically comatose dad rally to varnish the porch the next weekend and asked if this was normal. I shared that this disease is a day by hour sort of experience. And nothing is usual.

I have been reading a bit, too. Oddly, they are stories where the main character ends up in a nurturing position. They are also favorites to read. Comfort books, if you will. Not much substance, but a lot of warm cinnamon and sugar. Then, I ran across a fun hunting and fishing book. It has a title that makes perfect sense in any part of life. ‘You’re not lost if you can still see the truck.’ By Bill Heavy. He said in one of his chapters, ‘Making sense is not among the universe’s higher priorities. Its workings are hidden, perhaps random, and God help you if you get it its way.”

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

We are travelers, often on the same path, sharing our stories, and dodging the poisoned darts in the maze as best we can. Thank you for not letting me go alone.

Take it on the run-

I walked into the office late Tuesday afternoon, confident this experience would be beyond interesting and glad I had done all my errands first. Although, one of my good friends had texted me to let me know her spouse and daughter were going to be in the area before they headed across the inlet to fish. If I had time, they’d love to see me before 7 pm. I responded I’d see how I felt!

Earlier my blood sugars had been a bit high, as I checked again in the waiting room, they were now 95. (Annoyed, I crunched a glucose tablet) I was ushered back to the procedure room and realized I should have used the bathroom, the assistant allowed me to leave and return. The room was fairly good sized and I was helped into the rather intriguing reclining chair. Arms with lights and other apparatus were then swung into place and I was handed dark glasses to put on. (I wondered, later, if one reason the glasses were worn was so the doctor wouldn’t actually see the stressed eyes of his patient.) The doctor breezed in and we went back to school in the 80’s, when he was a sophomore and I was a senior. (Most of the conversation during the work was in that vein and I was kept giggling off and on under the drill) I am not entirely sure if the music in the background was to soothe me or the doctor actually used it on a regular basis. It was from our era and one song the tech thought might be Bruce Springsteen was John Cougar Melloncamp. (I thought it was someone else, too.)  I heard REO and Fleetwood Mac and was surprised how they managed to fit in well with the sounds of drills.

In the very beginning, I had a medicine of some sort applied in some form to my gum (I was warned there would be a slight sting or prick. It wasn’t bad, but it was a bit before it took effect.). I recalled I needed to know what might be going on if I was going to share this experience anywhere. So, before my lips numbed to an unwillingness to form useful words, I told him he could tell me what he was doing. He obliged.

I actually cannot recall much of what he said. I do know he used drills of various sizes and hand files. I heard him ask for them and he talked about why the different sizes were being utilised. It was entirely fascinating to listen to. I think he’d be a great at etching small carved designs in wood or marble.  At one point, he asked for something and the assistant couldn’t find it anywhere. It was amusing to hear her rummaging thru drawers in the room and then in a different room to find the item she needed. I felt like I was in a kitchen hearing a search for that elusive ‘need it now’ thing saved for decades. (turns out it was put in the wrong place after the last usage earlier.) At another point, something was used to probe the root to the depths. I believe it was a filament that beeped. Sort of like being on a deep sea expedition where the fancy electronic bits are needed to find the way to treasure in murky waters. Or in the case of a mouth, the end of the tunnel.

I do know I had been wrong about the loss of my lips. They were not the only thing numbing, by the time he was partway thru the work, my entire head was numb from the neck up. There was one moment, I was certain my upper right cranium was a solid lump of rock and the machine being used was carving out fantastic shapes. This was curious, as the place being worked on was on the upper left part of my jaw.

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Twice, the doctor left and the assistant took x-rays with an amazing cool little ray gun that walked off of an original Star Trek set. She called it a Nomad. I absolutely enjoyed this tech. She was friendly and not upset one bit they were working after hours. She looked at the pictures she took and two things stuck firmly in my mind. The first was that on a difficulty scale of 1-10, she felt this was probably a 9.75 and the doctor was doing a brilliant job. She also said the route he had to follow had sort of a ‘Betty Boop’ kick at the end of it. She even kicked up her leg to demonstrate! (the watching someday dental tech and I laughed. She was just 20 and due to having teeth bashed in from basketball in her youth, decided this was a fascinating career to pursue.) Once the doctor took an x-ray and handed it to the tech over my face. He warned her not to drop it, I mentally agreed, and giggled because the tech had JUST talked to the watching gal about that exact same thing.

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At the end, he filled the canal with something. He told me what it was, but I had turned my head to listen and saw this FREAKING long thin needle. Promptly, I closed my eyes and tried to ignore the whole thing. It was some sort of glue filler stuff. (It tasted nasty! Which must have been bad, since most of my taste buds were comatose anyway.) I felt bad when he very quickly skipped away after determining it was all correct. He seemed in a bit of a rush. I was glad he took the time while he was working on me and at first I wondered if it was fishing that hurried him away. (fishing has barely started, but I do know the lure of the water is strong in many a professional. One of my friends from the Oregon Coast is an undertaker and can frequently be found holding a pole and wearing hip boots with his dress clothes while standing in a river) Then, I realized, it was later than usual and people have other lives than work!

I sat up, the techs were getting things all sorted, and I was handed a choice of two foiled packages of a hot washcloth. One in lemon and one plain. (I was encouraged to toss the cloth, but figured I’d need it later! I did.) I really didn’t feel very good. I wasn’t sure if my head was going to stay on or not, but on the whole, I was remarkably pleased with everything. Until I tried to leave.

It appears the large to me amount of money (it did go thru, I had called the bank and they said it would be ok. They also updated my phone number to the Alaskan one instead of the home one in Oregon) was just a portion of the overall expenditure. I am sure I was told this before, but if I had listened better and researched it more thoroughly, I’d have asked him to take the tooth due to the cost. In a couple of weeks, they want me to return with the same amount, and have a filling put in place. I almost broke down in the parking lot. I was really glad to fill out the papers for the discounted prices, I’m entirely thankful for the experience, I absolutely HATE spending money, I know it was for a good thing, and, even to stay well, it makes my soul hurt to turn that amount over again.

My right eye did weep while I was being worked on, I’d hoped the procedure was going to fix that problem (because the infected root was so close to the sinus, having it mended might heal up a whole series of things), and yet, in my despair, I felt it tear again. It was such a disconcerting feeling being both incredibly thankful and full of sorrow. I’m not sure what we’ll do, I am glad it is in a few weeks. I’m also glad the pain regime is fairly simple. Two Tylenol followed by 4 ibuprofen three hours later, then in three more hours, take the Tylenol again. I do think I should have purchased more of the Tylenol!

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Afterwards.

My glucose was now 85. I carefully ate a soft breakfast bar with 30 carbs and texted my friend to tell her I was not going to see her family down on the docks. It was after 6 and if they were leaving at 7, I wouldn’t have time to do much more than wave. When I finally got home, I had shaken off much of the depression, gave mom her new meds (she took her first dose of Ritalin on Wednesday and said she felt GREAT!), discovered she’d put away 13 of the 14 of her new clothes items ($300 worth, more than I had thought! The pants need hemmed. She’s also lost some more weight. She’s at 115 again!), and found a gift from a friend hanging on the doorknob to my basement. It was a hooded black sweatshirt. I put it on and felt warm fuzzies surrounding me.

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Father’s Day Cat Nips

“Somethin’ ’bout a truck in a farmer’s field
A no trespass sign, and time to kill
Nobody’s gonna get hurt, so what’s the big deal
Somethin’ ’bout a truck in a farmer’s field” lyrics by Kip Moore

Most people have cat toys made of fabric or wood. Some are even plastic. This particular cat Toy is metal!

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The Craftsman’s dad used this Toyota Land Cruiser for decades, literally. He purchased it new in 1966 and used it for hunting, fishing, and on the ranch. Later, his son drove it and then his youngest grandson. One day, The Craftsman parked it in the drive. I don’t recall if he had picked catnip and the scent was in and on the truck or what. Maybe the lawn mower had run over something interesting. Whatever it was, it was fascinating. Both Moses and Maxwell decided it was worthwhile to investigate this most wonderful Toy. We wondered if Moses wanted to go somewhere, because he enjoyed riding in cars. But, we also knew the sound of this one would scare him under the porch in seconds!

The good, the bad, and the lovely

 

I love our inlet. The water and mountains are home. However, going down to my favorite beach reminded me that it is also everyone else’s favorite beach. Probably because it is one of the few you can park at without paying. I am not sure how long that will last, there was so much trash! People were fishing and several rigs were parked just above the waterline. Campfires were burning or left burning (I really hope whoever started that one was coming back, it even had a bag of what looked like food near it) or put out with debris inside the smoked interior. I am absolutely convinced every single citizen needs to spend a month in the summer picking up trash on trails or roadsides or any place people might hang out.

 

I went down to relax and ended up wrought up inside. I must remember to bring a garbage bag with me next time. And a wheelbarrow to haul it in! I picked up a few cans and found a nice log to sit on. I stared out at the water and tried not to see the land. And then I felt something stab me in my inner thigh. A gosh darn mosquito was on my leg! (I wonder if those bands I purchased would help hinder bites?) I had on jeans, but those creatures are voracious and large this year. I squished her and started walking back to the car. Before I discovered the trash, I had been picking up orange rocks. I must have been thinking about Garfield Hug and T.L. (Crazy Writer of 6). Once I realized who reminded me of orange, I did think of them and send my thoughts across the waters and mountains in their direction. (Granted, I’m not sure what direction they are in, but I am sure the thoughts know!)

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As I walked around fishing lines (it is bad to walk under or over those practically invisible filaments!), I noticed a few gulls fighting over something in the surf. An eagle swooped over, startling them. I realized that no matter how much garbage man makes, scavengers always collect it. (even if it isn’t good for them!) Eagles and gulls are terrible garbage birds. Beautiful and graceful and good at cleaning up the French fries or bread crusts or salmon and halibut carcasses.

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While watching them, I noticed the sunset wasn’t in the mountains. The color was over the water and further on up the inlet. No matter what happens with/at the dentist (mom forgot I had this appointment after being told twice, she had to tell me all about her doctor and how he took care of her.) and no matter how much trash I manage to collect and no matter how much darkness there is in the mountains, there is always light and brightness somewhere. I left the beach and discovered a misshapen heart crying out to be brought home. So, I did.

The sun came out-

The sun came out this afternoon and might come out again tomorrow, but, I’m sorry Annie, I’m all out of dollars today.

It must be true that when you do and act and believe one way and feel strong, you are tripped up on that path by a million adverse bumps. In spite of Julie’s inspirational memes and GH’s great dips into humor and life and G’s inspirational messages, and the posts by Rhapsody and Amanda and Jack (and I’m forgetting so many others!) I’m so angry and really there isn’t anything to be mad about. Mom’s doctor is not mine. I know The Craftsman is busy and puts things off and doesn’t plan very well. I totally am aware that mom is a consummate actress, showing a high degree of skill in that area. But, I’m still frustrated. I’ve shaken it away (not off, it is obviously sticking quite close!), I’ve gone outside and taken in deep breaths (and a few mosquitoes and no-see-ums), and I’ve read a darn good book (another one by Elizabeth Bear).

Maybe writing it will make me feel less pissed off. Maybe I’ll just be resigned and realise it is the way it is. Or maybe I’ll realise it doesn’t matter.

Mom’s sick. She is in a great deal of pain, it is almost as if the pump isn’t working.(Although, those 31 hours when she didn’t have it, I now know it does work!) Once again, we went to see the pain doctor. She upped the doses on both the basal and the bolus. But, she fucking refused to talk to me. (Can’t type nicely.) She has told me more than once that mom is the patient and mom is the one she needs to listen to. Damn it, mom LIES! This appointment was in the late afternoon. Mom was wiped out a great deal of the day. She was sleeping and not feeling good at all. She gives herself the half doses of pills every 4 hours instead of the whole one every 6, which is good, but they are harder to count in halves. (math) I cut the pills up by hand and I know I need to get a pill cutter. (I think my lackadaisical way of cutting things up is my rebellion coming out. The meds are not helping much because she takes them at such odd times and forgets and I suppose the not entirely accurate cuts are my fault for her not feeling better. I’m getting the splitter thing tomorrow) Anyway, we got to the office and mom was doing great again. She’s dropped to 114 pounds, so mom is now convinced she needs to eat lots more. Even if she does get nauseous and doesn’t want it. (I’m not sure if I mentioned these cool things. They are bars made by Bravita and have protein and carbs and are wonderful. I have part of one at bedtime and sometimes in the morning and it keeps my glucose under control. Mom? She eats the things for snacks and then wonders why her glucose is  high, she only counts food as what she eats at a meal.) At the office, the doctor greeted mom, made sure mom was talked to, gave mom the scripts for the meds mom needed, asked mom questions that I ended up needing to answer, and asked mom what books she was reading (even though I had a book with me and it was pretty obvious I was reading it). She pretty much ignored me, unless I asked if I could say something, and I hid in the corner like a little child in trouble. And I was in trouble. It appears in the paperwork I’m fairly sure mom signed, but maybe I did, there is a spot that says the patient needs to bring in the meds every single week. Even if the doctor doesn’t want to look at them, they need to be brought in. Last week, the doctor said no to looking at them, so I didn’t gather them up for this visit. I got in trouble for it. Not mom, me. Because I take care of her. The doctor didn’t actually state this to me. She opened a drawer with the forms in it and showed the room at large (me) the section that read the meds needed brought in.

Going home, mom was in pain. A lot of it. She didn’t want to go into the store (that may be also cuz she left her checkbook at home, I didn’t grab it, she resents it when I have it and she wants it), she didn’t want to check the mail because she didn’t feel very good, she sat in the car while I waited for our dinner. (she’s not eaten much of her meals. I am not even sure she has had all of the shake she wanted) She came home and let the dog out and then was frantic cuz she couldn’t find him in the house. She whimpered a great deal while she changed her clothes and was in the kitchen. She lost her insulin, she said she had taken it with us (I always take mine no matter where I go and for how long) and I found the insulin pen in the middle of her bed. She is attempting to knit (she says she can’t stop doing things, even if she hurts. Commendable, but stupid. If your hand hurts and you are getting surgery on it, you should probably let it rest. But, I am probably wrong.)  and I noticed she was in the dark. I mentioned that even with new glasses, she probably should turn on a light to see. Mum responded it had just gotten dark and the clouds were moving in. (yes, there are clouds and not all of them are bugs, but it is still fairly light outside.) We don’t see the pain doctor again til Strider’s birthday (July 2). Every week the doses are increased and I hope the surgeon will give mom some serious meds for the hand, since we see him before the pain doctor. Although, she is already on serious meds. She’s excited about getting the Ritalin (which was not ready again!) so she’ll be more awake and able to do more. Telling her how her words and actions hurt me puts her on the defensive and then she says she will be just fine and I should leave if I’m going to be a child swearing and hiding in my room. (I’ll try again later. Maybe when she’s asleep….)

I talked to The Craftsman on Friday before he left work. His job is near where our bank is and I told him the cost for this stupid tooth procedure and that I wasn’t sure if the debit card would handle an extraction like that. (PUN!!!!!! Inadvertent, but still.) He said he thought it would. I asked if he would check. Or maybe I didn’t. I probably didn’t, because he didn’t. I finally was able to talk to him again on Monday evening. When I mentioned again that I was nervous about the card getting frozen for me removing that much, he said it should be ok. I’ve been in AK and using the card for almost 2 years, so he’s optimistic it will work. I told him I’d look up the bank’s number online and call them in the morning. I hope they can tell me for sure if it is ok. I’d be mortified if I went in and used the card and it rejected me! I’ve used it for almost $300 from Alaska, but never almost a grand! He’s probably right, I just wanted to be certain. (I hate leaving things to chance. I’m really not very good with spur of the moment sorts of things, either!) He had taken today off, so he wasn’t near the bank, but I was still frustrated. I’m less so now. I know it is silly to be when my way of doing things is so different from his and I most likely did not ask him, in so many words, to look into it for me when he got off work on Friday.

I’m also sad I used the gift certificate to get my new Nike shoes. They really are too big for me. My feet slide all over inside them, in spite of the gel pads under the sole and the ones near the heels. I may need to get some for the toes, too. They are a smidge too tight (Nike wides are not very!) and more than a smidge too long. I should have not purchased them. Thankfully, I’m just using them for walking and not much else! Plus, Mom’s pastor is moving to a different congregation and hasn’t had time to reach out to mom. The pastor was fairly close to mom at different times and I’m sad she was too busy.

However, since the sun came out, I’m going to take my last insulin shot and go look at the sunset. It very well could be another stunning one. There are a great many clouds of all shapes and sizes gathering in the sky. Party time!!!!!!!!

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Sunset from 2016 in the fall.