A Little Bit Low

Tonight I’m feeling a little bit low. I know in the end, everything will be ok. Yet, at the moment, I’m sad. And angry. This time last year, mum was dying. My aunt and cousin had finally decided to come up and see her and were on the way. I had no idea how much sorrow for myself I’d have towards mom a year later. She has taken so much from me. It was my choice to let her, so I really shouldn’t be mad at her.

Today was rainy. The house is so chilly, but I choose to keep the heat down as much as possible cuz of cost. I have so much to do and will be gone in less than 20 days. I’ve only seen my sister twice, that I can recall, since the 30th of August. Once to pick up tables we’d used in the sale (I had cleared them off and folded them up) and once to hand over her half of the money we’d made. We were going to take mum’s ashes down to Homer sometime this week. Jake already told me that the 24th wouldn’t work, her family has things going on. She mentioned Sunday might be a good day (she calls once in a while or texts or sends me a comment on FB), but I’ve not had that verified. I scratched my eyeball when my alarm went off this morning and I reached over to turn it off (that REALLY hurts!). There was a slim chance I’d see a good friend today and didn’t (although, that isn’t something to be sad about. Good things are happening in that life and the roller coaster is on a smooth spot!). I want to take photos of mom’s ashes in the lake and it cleared up this afternoon and was lovely, but I’m alone and can’t spread and shoot at the same time (OK…that just sounds wrong!!!). I haven’t spoken to The Craftsman in a couple of days. He called tonight, just a little over 10 minutes. I got a few texts from the Jukebox guy, but not one concerning when he’d come down and get the boxes. Last Sunday (was it just a week ago???) I was hoping to attend a program and didn’t get there. I was invited to go to another presentation the last weekend I’m in AK. But, I’m afraid to. Because of mom.

You see, Mum was secretary of the local Historical Society for years and years. I’ve been trying to return things I’ve found relating to the society. I keep finding checks and letters and notes and documents and notebooks and all kinds of things. The last time I tried to take some back, I was told no. I threw the stuff away. I’m not even spending money to shred it anymore. Tonight, I found MORE documents and checks and an unopened Alaskan flag. (I have one, so I don’t need another) The presentation I’m invited to is for the local Historical Society. I’m so nervous they’ll realise who I am. Mum dropped the ball and this is one I cannot pick up for her very easily. If I go, I’ll sit as far away from the speakers as possible and ask the person who invited me to not introduce me. (I laughed when she sent an email invitation. She said, it would be fun and ‘your mom did so much for the Historical Society.’) Unfortunately, I look a great deal like her. (odd note: I had people ask if Jake and I were twins at the estate sale!!!!!!) They also have a potluck lunch that I will also avoid if I go.

I’m either waiting or busy doing stuff I don’t want to do or wanting to cry. And the tears are hurting the scratched eye!

Gracious! What a terribly whiny post! (Actually, I think I need one of those for my Oregon yard. A sturdy post with holes in it to hold empty wine bottles..that I’ll get from somewhere!) I’d better share something cheerful.


18 thoughts on “A Little Bit Low

  1. Memories and anniversaries of deaths are never comfortable affairs, are they Kris? Still, you have not been out much, and going to the historical society bash, might just be the thing you need. Don’t mention all the stuff you found (let sleeping dogs lie) because it serves no purpose. Uncashed cheques can be shredded or burned, I am sure the originators of the uncashed cheques have a better bank balance because of it and wouldn’t complain anyway. You might be pleasantly surprised if you go and enjoy yourself. You are not your Mom, despite your looks. You don’t need to defend yourself.

    Have a lovely week. Hope the sun shines brightly for you… 🌞😎❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 4 people

    • If I go, I am not going to say anything to anyone!!! Other than hello or thank you. I’m going to behave and keep an scribble pad at hand so if I want to say anything, I’ll just write it down and not show a single person!!!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Vent away…whine away…feel better! It takes time and it is tough. Gosh we both have to snap out of this and start seeing the sunlight that peeks through the clouded skies. Chin up Kris. As you encourage me, as I do you too. Lots of Garfield hugs🤗

    Liked by 2 people

  3. “I..can’t spread and shoot at the same time..” Damn I laughed too hard at this! I agree with colettebytes’ comment and think you’d have a good time if you go to the bash. Hang in there Kris, I’m rooting for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. There is so much that resonates with my own story and we are truly so much alike in what we are experiencing.
    Mom is still here, although over the past coolem of days I have felt her spirit leaving for the first time. I too had moments of anger in the past knowing that she has taken so much from me over all the years. I even had blamed her for getting sick and putting me through a life full of emotional distress and no love. I have chased her all my life. But I also allowed it to happen and I can’t say fully that she meant everything and hurt me on purpose. There is definitely much to come to terms with and one thing I had to do is to forgive her as well as myself.
    Much love to you my sister. Love you ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    • When I was thinking about how I was the ‘favorite’, I wondered if I wasn’t helpful enough. I don’t really have regrets with taking care of mom, except I would have liked to have done it better!
      I’ve been thinking about how you feel your mom’s leaving, too. M, enfolding you in gentle arms. xoxoxoxoxo

      Liked by 1 person

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