This is hard

sunset love lake resort

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I’ve written a million times about mum and her last months. This summer I’ve dragged myself through generations of debris and lives. I’m supposed to be getting my own finds ready for boxing up to someday mail, but I tripped. I landed hard. I have fallen and I can’t get up. So, I’m talking to the only people I know who are awake and for some reason, listen.

This evening I started to attempt to sort the paperwork I acquired while caring for mum. The sympathy cards. The hospital records.  The notes from her cancer counselor on August 8 of last year that said mom was chatting about the local senior housing and was in great spirits and apparently feeling well, but that she and her daughter didn’t see eye to eye.

I have been crying off and on the last hour. I don’t know what to throw away. Gods, it’s like I gave her my last few years and nothing matters. I have to keep moving forward and I am not going anywhere. Like a treadmill with a virtual map. In the end, I’m tired and sweaty and back where I started. I don’t want to be strong anymore. I want held and cuddled and reminded it will be ok. Thank god for WordPress and my teddy bear!

When I return to Oregon, it’s exactly like that treadmill. I’ll have been changed, yet when I step back onto the floor, no one around me will notice anything other than that mostly quiet person is around again. I’ll be expected to be who I was 3 years ago.

In 10 hours, I need to be that strong person. I had hoped to ship boxes and totes in a container. Now, I need to adjust to moving them all by post. So, not only do I need to tear off bandages, exposing wounds, I need to discard what I had hoped to keep for what I might actually need to keep. Which is not really anything, except mom’s things I can better sell from the lower 48.

But, it really hurts.

brown and white bear plush toy

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12 thoughts on “This is hard

  1. Much love and hugs Kris.
    I feel the pain in your words and I share your tears.
    If I could but take your pain and suffering onto my shoulders…..
    I could be strong for you, I could be your rock, lean on me for today I am strong, rely on me and I shall always be your true friend, your guy, someone who loves you for exactly who you are. ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh, my friend, I am so very sorry for the pain and frustration you are feeling. I so wish I was there to help you. To give you a hug and remind you that YOU will be okay. I’m sending you HUGE comforting and encouraging hugs. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh Kris, I am so sorry that I missed this post. Sending you virtual hugs and my own sympathetic tears… You sound so lonely and cut off from what you need, both financially, and emotionally. I can commiserate because while my situation is not the same as yours, the raw feelings might be similar. Hang in there my love, you will be strong just because you have no other choice. Teddy Bears are great listeners. Hug yours for all he’s worth… It does help! 🤗😥❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Kris my dear sister, my heart gets to read this and I feel you have faced so much alone and without those cuddles and knowing that somebody is there for you. I am sorry and I feel as if I have been a bad friend.
    You know how I feel about Oregon and I think you already know too that it will be hard. You are not the same and I think you are reaching a point where you don’t care to be the same. Pain changes a person and you’ve been quiet for too long, alone for too long. You are going from one battle to the next and yet you have to for now. Remember that Oregon is right next to me and you are always welcome. Xoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

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