Dirty Socks and Tears

The last two days my forgiveness tank has been empty. I’ve cried hard twice. Screamed at mom, yelling that I hated her, until my throat was raw with anger. It was almost like I was 16 again, except I’m up against the wall alone. Gasping for understanding. And it isn’t a play I want to be in or a date I want to go on, it’s the sheer amount of things left undone. I have a quote I favor by Brene Brown (it needs a ‘over a letter, but my keyboard won’t let me!). “No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.” I have these words on index cards on walls of the house. I have them on a paper in my wallet. Unfortunately, I’m not sure the US Treasury Department does. (And I’m not entirely sure it is accurate in this place where I’m at!)

black and white picture of a crying child

Photo by Lucas Pezeta on Pexels.com

I have paperwork stating the IRS has taken funds from different areas, but there are still monies owed. Then, the last couple of years, not a single letter. Which is crazy. Mum saved EVERYTHING. I have no idea why some of it even mattered. (one of my helper friends suggested that in the past many items were allowed to be deducted and sometimes, we just keep saving receipts to do so.) I didn’t want to get up on Tuesday, because of sorting papers. When I did get up, every time I looked at the mess, I got all teary.

pair of blue socks hanging

Photo by Susanne Jutzeler on Pexels.com

So, I decided to sort stuff in the drawers. Now, I’m itchy. One of mom’s drawers was full of hosiery and rolled up belts that match dresses in the closet. I only hope the dresses are still there, because taking a dress in to a resale place is a grand idea. Yet, most people don’t want clothing that isn’t intact. The worst thing I sorted were socks. Old sweat filled, nasty, many worn out, dirty socks. At least 3 of those plastic grocery bags full. (socks are easy to squish into bags) I can’t imagine why she didn’t put them in the basket for me to wash. Many of them looked like ones I’d watched her put on.  I found many new things, several packets of hose that she and I could have worn in my early teens!  There were things for the plays she was in, slips and tiny camisoles, and oddly a brand new t-shirt with a spot on it. It read ‘My favorite team is the Vikings and anyone who beats the Packers.’ The odd parts were why on earth was it in with the hosiery and slips and tiny bras she hasn’t been able to wear in decades? Unless it was for sleeping, because there were a few of those sorts of things in the drawer. And how did it get a spot in the middle of the words? Was she given it by another Viking fan while watching a game? Stories I’ll never know. I’m surrounded by those.

I often wish I’d have let her tell me more, but I was too annoyed with her. Stories are fun if the star isn’t the same person in each one. Or if the characters do the same thing they did in a previous story. (one of my pet peeves when it comes to book series!)

Later, my day improved. Slowly. I went to the post and visited my favorite people. And cried and hugged and was given tissue (sturdy soft stuff I bet would wash well!). I was complimented on how I looked in spite of my tears, I went and got ice cream, my earrings were admired (swag an author friend sent. She graduated from my high school before I did), a friend called, another old one texted and sent me pictures from where he fishes (he lost his dad months before mom died), I put away dishes (I didn’t mean for those to rhyme!), I talked to TnT, and napped with my bear. Now, the sun is setting and I’m going to skip it to take a shower. Hoping my frustrations will wash away with the soap and not back up into the basement again (it hasn’t done that in a week!!).

Tomorrow a friend might be coming over to help me add up numbers. After, there is a chance I’ll head into town to see about selling mom’s snazzy sewing machine, visit the library and their better internet, and probably purchase some more ice cream. (Carb Smart, so it isn’t as bad as the ‘good’ stuff) Then, again, I might do the town thing on Thursday. Which is also the day for a wedding shower. I’m not sure when the wedding is, I think the invite was sent to Oregon and I wasn’t told about it yet. I believe it is on Saturday. I meet with an accountant on Monday and Little Bear comes up for two weeks on the following Saturday! His dad comes up the next Saturday. I have so much to do before then.

Yikes! I feel tears again, so I’m going to post this and sign off… (I’d have one of the beers in the fridge, but I’m too worried about carbs!!)

29 thoughts on “Dirty Socks and Tears

  1. Sending you hugs. I know those emotions that go with sorting through someone else’s stuff. I did that when my Mom passed and also helped my cousin sort through her Mom’s stuff. It is very daunting and emotions run high.
    If I was closer I would come over and help. ♥

    Liked by 2 people

    • Daunting is a good word. Throwing it away will be almost impossible. NOTE: I have tossed out at least two bags a week, but it is a tiny dent.
      I’d love help. I may need to advertise! lol


  2. Drink & eat those carbs for this moment. You deserve it. I know someone is reading this and thinking I am a horrible friend. To them, I will fakely (is that a word) apologize. lol Don’t overdo it with the carbs but a morsel or two should be fine. Don’t go shoving your head into a big ass carton of Ben & Jerry’s…oh. wait. You were referring to the carbs with the beer…eiugh. yeah, stay away from that nasty crap. But I am still pro-ice cream. The non-healthy kind. 🙂

    Whenever you are feeling down and out, you know I am here for you. I’m not much of a phone talker but I’ll text the hell out of you & send you funny pictures 🙂

    S.E. Isaac

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I absolutely have no idea what you’re going through, so I don’t have any right to say anything. But I hope you find a way of releasing your frustrations in a more controlled way.

    I don’t have a favorite NFL team.. but my dads team was Miami and my mom liked Green Bay… but I’ll have a respect for your Vikings 😊

    Liked by 1 person

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