Drink up.

I know it’s just feelings and feelings aren’t a true barometer of what is real, but I’m frustrated. Yes, I feel like crappachino and need to venti. Ouch, it seems to be a tall drink!

aroma bean beverage black coffee

Photo by Burst on Pexels.com

One of my best friends in the world says I’m a bit of a drama queen. I’m sure he’s right. Another good friend has said I should not look at what I want and focus on what is done and be thankful. I look at little things and make them big. So, being about to cry is my own choice. Thankfully, my eyes are still watering profusely and that’s a good way to disguise minute moments of tears.

I haven’t chosen to let go of mom yet. It’s not that I’ve not had time, I’m constantly alone. I can do whatever I want when I am alone, besides the things I need to do! I’ve been told it’s been long enough and it’s not like anyone here really knew her. Even my family didn’t.

I got a call today for her. It appears one of mom’s doctors was owed money and they wanted to speak to her. I thought for sure I’d contacted them after mums death, I guess not. Anyway, they’d not sent a bill cuz it was under $10, but she was calling to tell mom about it. 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔 I asked her to send it and I’d take care of it.

I had dinner ready at six pm, I almost always do. Little Bear called his dad on the phone to ask him to come home for dinner. I figured The Craftsman would arrive eventually. Then, after dinner, I mentioned I thought maybe my glucose had dropped. He agreed, saying he’d lived with me for 38 years and knew the signs. I’m sure he didn’t suggest fruit or something like that cuz we’d we had been eating dinner. So, I was acting “off” and they were just letting me. (He also didn’t count the last two years of our marriage cuz we’d not lived together for them..although, I did find out he counted me on taxes.) Often, at dinner, I can find something amusing. .its a game to discover fun in the one conversation I listen to each day and may even be a part of. Not tonight. (I was proud of myself. I didn’t apologize for dinner. It wasn’t exactly what I’d envisioned, but it wasn’t bad. I won’t make it again, though.)

After dinner, I was frustrated with how the dishes were being loaded. I do a majority of the chores and have figured out the most efficient ways to do them. I’ve probably got bubbles in my brain. The Craftsman didn’t see anything wrong. I let it go. It really isn’t important. Besides, I needed to get my glucose up.

I ate my low carb ice cream at the table, he had punkin pie in the living room. Now, I’m writing in the kitchen. He’s still in the living room.

This morning , I woke up alone, he’d awakened earlier and wanted more sleep, so he went elsewhere. I’ve received at least three nice hugs and a couple of kisses today. He called this afternoon from the store to verify what I needed and had forgotten while shopping on Friday. He was busy doing projects all day because it was fairly dry and sunny. We have spent a lot of time together this week, I shouldn’t want more. On Friday, I called to tell him I was in town. He was glad and we had lunch together in a local fast food spot. He did say it cost as much per person as the birthday one we had with the kid on Sunday.(It was my choice to feel guilty about that comment). We didn’t talk much, I tried and was silly. I brought up something controversial. Absolutely cutting any sort of communication off at the very beginning. It may have related to ‘Bohemian Rhapsody.’

I’ve not been happy since my return. Little Bear thinks I’m crazy to miss Alaska so much. Because Home should be with my family. A place isn’t as important as those who love me. I guess I need to grow up and know love is whatever I’m given. At least my last weeks in Alaska, I didn’t have to pretend very often.

Que, sera, sera.

Love, The Boston Fern, who really doesn’t like coffee..except when kissing!

 

 

 

18 thoughts on “Drink up.

  1. Geez, I would hope the doctor would write off a bill for <$10.
    We're all different. Some of us focus more on things and that gets perceived as inflating them. Some of us just let things go without a care in the world. We're all different.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Kris, your feelings and frustrations are valid and worthy! And don’t let anyone tell you they’re not. You’ve been through an enormous amount in the last couple of years! Your heart will be tending to all of it for a long time to come. I see lots of things in the words you share and in the spaces in between them. I could write a novel of encouragement to you. If you feel like crying then find a place to cry. It’s healing and there’s a reason we need to do it in times of unease and pain. Please take care. You are in my thoughts 🌷

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Hugs, the grieving process can take time. Sometimes coming and going in spells. It can be hard for others to understand.

    Keep working on that marriage, feeling lonely at tines is normal. You’ve been away for a long time. Keep carving out your space, and connections

    Hugs

    >

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Kris, we inherently know what is good for us, and we resonate to the places that make us feel most connected and loved.

    There are energetic forces afoot right now, that are making us all feel a bit spooked. It’s not just you, it’s everyone, even if they don’t realise it. I can relate to your unhappiness, but try to bear with it for a while. Now is not the time to run back to Alaska. You will be better to do that in April or May when the weather is good, perhaps to check on the house, and grieve for your Mom.

    I pulled a Tarot card for you, and got ‘Temperance.’ You can read a description here.
    https://labyrinthos.co/blogs/tarot-card-meanings-list/temperance-meaning-major-arcana-tarot-card-meanings

    I wish I could help you feel better, but know that I am going through a similar sort of thing right now… And I am biding my time for the moment to see if anything changes. The energies I speak of are polarising everyone at the moment. Everyone seems to be on opposite sides, have opposite opinions, have bitter recriminations to each other. It has no good outcome, so we need to wait until things just start to resolve themselves without conflict. They will you know. 😁 Meanwhile, cry your tears and fight your corner, but be gentle on yourself. 💞Hugs for healing. 🤗

    Liked by 1 person

    • This was heartening. Thank you. As I read, I was curious. Was the card upside down? The reverse notes resonated!
      I can’t run back home til mid May. Ticket is purchased and then I’ll wrap up everything and spend the rest of my life here. Ugh….
      I’m so glad you are out there. You have been more than encouraging. Shoot me an email if you’d like! I think it’s in my contacts area. Knowing you are in a similar place…humbling and actually a bit comforting. Xoxoxo

      Like

      • I did wonder about the ‘reversed’ position of ‘Temperance’ for you, but sent you the whole description for you to decide what resonated. I pulled this card on line form that site. It always comes up in the upright position. Generally to use the one card reading, you need to make a question or thought simple and clear. I. E. Should I tackle (situation) today and change (something) ?
        The answer card will generally reflect how you feel. If you are fence sitting, the card pulled might do the same, but often it will provide just a little more clarity. It is a bit like reading your own mind but seeing something more objectively rather than subjectively. 🤗

        Liked by 1 person

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