Backsliding again

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It is Sunday. I’ve enjoyed a fairly fun week til today. Today’s been really hard. I went to mom’s church for the first time since her service and what might be the last time until I return. I understand change has to happen. I understand I should be able to shake off my sadness and not experience despair at the oddest times. I realise I should not expect people to give more than verbal assurances of help. It does help to know people want to do things. I’ve been in tears off and on all day. This afternoon wasn’t too bad until I was picking up some dirty things and had to put the jammie top mom took off to go to the hospital her last stay back on the doorknob of the bathroom door. I was huddled on mom’s bed in tears (it was mom’s while I was crying. I’m slowly taking over, unfortunately, I backslide.) when The Craftsman texted me some lovely photos of leaves in Oregon and to tell me he was barbecuing pork chops for dinner. I had to focus on texting, so the tears stopped for a bit. I mentioned I was crying (I didn’t tell him I’ve not eaten much today) and his response was that he wished he could help. I didn’t say much more than it didn’t matter. (if wishes were horses, we’d all have barns and probably own all of Garth Brooks music or Jim Reeves..wait, I think Dad did have his!) Then, he texted he should have sent Little Bear up this week to help me. That would have been nice. I need bodies to move boxes, help pack stuff in totes, and organize things so I can put the garage in the car. Jake says she’ll be here tomorrow with Pippi (By the by, Jake is my sister, Pippi is her youngest daughter. The Craftsman is my spouse and Little Bear is my baby…ok, he’s 24.) Unfortunately, she and her daughter are not altogether efficient workers. She also wants mom’s Pacifica. I’m not leaving her the car, neither of her vehicles are in good shape because she tends to use things up very thoroughly. I spent a lot of money on mom’s car this year and now it is mine. I use things, but I also try to care for them so they last. It would be bad stewardship to let Jake borrow the car for several months. Oddly, The Craftsman asked if I wanted a different car when I return. The owner of the shop he works at picked up an Escape with a tranny problem. (the owner thought it would be a nice rig for me!) I told him if he wanted to do that, it was up to him. As long as it drives well and doesn’t end up needing towed after a several hour trip, I’m good with it! (I did laugh a bit, the older Escort I normally drive was a new to me rig that was picked up while I was in Alaska when my dad died.)

I’m hoping the septic will be started on Monday. It would be nice to get it fixed. I have also looked into security for the house. However, those fun inexpensive home security things almost all use things like reliable internet or cell service. One system called Ring was very interesting and remarkably affordable and easy to install. Alas, when I called to ask more questions, the young man who answered told me it probably wouldn’t work. He’d recently talked with a customer, elsewhere in Alaska, who had to eventually return his system to the store. At least the salesman was honest. I’m now looking at something else and am waiting for a call on that. I also might have someone stay here off and on, but that is sort of uncertain, too.

I may have adopted mom’s learning disabled friend. She used to call mom all the time, she can’t write very well or manage much. Mom was supposed to send her a doll after it was fixed. I cannot find the doll anywhere and have tried to give this girl my cell number. I might need to send it to her in a card. Although, she won’t be able to read it. Anyway, she won’t answer her phone if she doesn’t know who it is, so if she has mine, I can let her know if and when I find the doll. It is supposed to be ‘mannequin sized’ and ‘bald’. (yeah, YIKES! Mom had a habit of collecting dolls that need work, doll heads, and assorted body parts for them. I found a glass fairy leg in her jewel box, plus other small broken bits of porcelain dolls.)

It is getting colder. There was snow further north today. Not here, although it is expected. I should turn up the heat, unfortunately, I’m also sort of in a stalemate with the electric company. For some reason they won’t let me take care of mom’s account, except to pay it. Getting into it or changing the house into my name is becoming uphill work. Thankfully, her annuity is in the bank and came to the right address in Oregon. Most of it appears to be spent already! I need to pay the lawyer, a few bills (her medical and credit card ones will come from the estate, thankfully those are smaller than the septic and security and..), the tax consultant, and something I’ve always wanted that is almost frivolous.

I’ve had some well-meaning souls tell me it is time for me to put everything aside and move on. I logically should sell the house and car and put all of the money into the house in Oregon, where I live. I need to realise my life is there and not in Alaska anymore. Besides, I could stay for a couple weeks a year in a hotel, with a car rental for much less than I can by having a house with the things it entails. I let them talk. It doesn’t matter.

I’ve also had a tummy ache for most of today. I am going to see if mom has some ginger tea in her stash of boxes of tea!

Well, I’ve waffled on for longer than I should. My next posts will touch on last week and Saturday, which were much more fun. (Plus, I’ll add more photos.) Oh, I didn’t mention the frivolous thing I wanted to get. I want a passport again. I know I will most likely never ever need it and it would be better to spend that money somewhere else, but I did say I wanted to do something completely frivolous, but relatively useful.

5 thoughts on “Backsliding again

  1. I would have told them off and you are much better reserved. How do they know where you belong. Sell the house because your life belongs in Oregon. I’m just sitting here shaking my head and somehow I don’t believe that. There will always be a connection to that house. Memories, sadness, tears but also moments you spent with your Mom when nobody else was there to care for her. I’m sorry Kris but this doesn’t sit right with me and you do whatever you feel is right.
    Good deal about that Passwort and when we go to Germany, you will need one. Or wales to see Amanda. 😉 We should plan on something sometime. How much fun would that be.

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