Changes

‘Change doesn’t necessarily mean improvement, Althalus. Change is just change. Better and worse are human definitions. The world changes all the time, and no amount of complaining’s going to stop it from changing.’  **From a book I’m reading, ‘The Redemption of Althalus’ by D and L Eddings.

Everywhere we are surrounded by change, as the above authors shared. Not liking it isn’t going to keep it away. As a thinking being, I can usually affect changes. Unfortunately, not always. As a thinking being I can respond and adapt myself to those changes in a positive manner. This is a lot harder than it sounds. Especially for me. I am sort of feline in nature, I like comfort. At the moment, not a whole lot around me is comfortable.

I have friends I have cared for deeply in the hospital and I cannot respond to them like I’d want. I have friends moving thousands of miles away and I will miss them. I’ve had friends move hundreds of miles away and that loss is felt. Others I know are ill or hurting and I can’t help them as I’d wish. The Craftsman may need knee surgery soon and I’m not there. My hands are tied to what I want to do, so I need to look at those instances in a different way. I’m not being left alone, I’m thankful I was able to be with those dear people when I could. I can send my energy to those who need it and be blessed by the moments I share and have shared with them.

 

This last week we had a tree fall. It was a tree that looked good on the outside, for the most part. Leaves and places for the woodpeckers to hang out. I’ve taken quite a few photos of it. However, the last big wind brought it crashing to the ground (quite close to mom’s car, I might add! I’m fortunate I had left the house earlier and parked it a few feet from where I normally do!). The neighbors came over to look at it and said they’d be back eventually with tools. While there, we noticed it was actually rotten. I asked why the beetle killed trees were still standing and this one came down (the dad is a head guy in a power company and deals with trees often). I was told that birch absorbs water and rots faster than the spruce. Those are harder and even when they are dead, the snags are firm even if they sway and bend in the wind. I used to think mom was like the birch (or the spruce that did fall last summer that had the same problem as this birch). She looked great on the outside and was dying inside. But, maybe mom is like the spruce, the tree that is dead and is still standing? Or maybe it doesn’t matter and she’s not like anything but herself.

I may be blasted for this, but I’m tired of taking care of mom. She manages a bit here and there, her stats continue to remain stable, she isn’t sleeping quite as much since she started the Ritalin drug, and she is speaking about me unkindly, so she’s back to her ordinary self. Yet, she’s not able to do the things she plans, she takes a long time to read when she used to read fast, she forgets things and insists it is because everyone has brain cells that are dying and not because she’s killed them with her high glucose levels (507 on Friday morning), and she is losing more weight, is often cold, and whimpers as she does the little things she does and refuses help when I offer. I do almost all of her errands, because she can’t (she said she could if I’d let her, and then when I ask if she wants to, she says no.), and sneak moments, when I can, for something else. (Friday about lunch time, I met a friend at the post and we drove for about 15 min in his new to him car. He also reminded me my laugh is too many decibels and bad for people’s hearing. I smiled, but it was the first time I’ve actually laughed out loud for real in ages. I’m glad it was brief-)

Mom is fortunate she’s so healthy and I suppose I am, too. (yikes! I just realized I had cut up some nausea pills and put them in the container I’d marked ‘half pain pills’. The company was changed so the pills are a different shape. I got them sorted properly, but mom took a half of a nausea pill thinking it was a half of a pain pill. I’m pretty sure she’ll be ok, the meds don’t seem to bother her and she’ll do all sorts of things under their influence. I’d sleep!) One of my high school teachers died recently of cancer, Aretha Franklin died of pancreatic cancer (she was born the day before mum!!!), and mom is doing quite well.

We got her to the beach on Thursday, I found some stellar shells (that is rare on this beach!) and rocks, and the tree that fell has a parasite mushroom that is pretty awesome (Chaga). Fall is in the air and I can sense winter on the horizon, not quite yet, but soon.  I impulse shopped this week and bought a book and some gorgeous lace underthings (the lace was spendy!). The refund I got from the canceled plane ticket expires in 3 months and I guess I’ll just let it go. Though the phone company raised mom’s bill, it was because they somehow forgot to charge her properly when I combined her landline with the cell phone over a year ago. It is now almost $50 instead of $18, but it makes sense. (they aren’t charging for the months they gave us ‘free’) I received a text as a wakeup call that was uncomfortable and positive fun emails and messages from others later. The card machine at the gas station didn’t like my card, thankfully, they weren’t busy when I went inside. I had a bazillion carbs of ice cream today, but I’ve not eaten much else and my glucose is good (besides, I’m not hungry). And one of my friends from overseas sent me a postcard from Prague!

The oddest thing? A couple of days ago I got an obscure phone call from someone who cheerfully greeted me in a foreign language. They were surprised I answered and hung up. Later, I got two texts in a non-English language (turns out it was Korean. I should have recognized it. I know what it looks like!). Then, I got another phone call from a young man who was surprised I didn’t speak Korean and wasn’t who he hoped. So, even when few people call or contact me (except for mom stuff), I do get interesting experiences!

I’ll leave you with a song from the Queen of Soul: Think from the Blues Brothers.