I am ok.

This last week I felt like I was the worst daughter in the world. Here I am, putting my marriage on hold, being here for another fall season, living in mom’s basement, thinking I’m taking care of my mom and I didn’t hear her.

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Fireweed is almost to the top. Summer is coming to an end. 

On Friday she went to a memorial service (it was an absolute crush! I had a hard time finding her!) and towards the end I went in to look for her. I ended up standing near one of the lovely nurses who knows mom fairly well. I told her how I felt terrible because I just want this to be over. I told her how mom’s pain pump remote stopped working (we don’t have the new one, but thankfully, whatever the doctor did on Wednesday, it appears to be ok again) and mom’s been popping pain meds more often. (Thankfully, they don’t bother her. I’d be out on half of one of her pills!) Mel told me it was ok. She told me many caregivers end up feeling the same way I do. That peace is something only imagined and desperately desired. I was so thankful to hear that. I reckon I’m normal! (in some way!) I finally found mom in the mix. She loaded up a plate to take home and we left. (My glucose was a bit low, but I had some chocolate and a couple of glucose tablets) It took mom a long time to eat dinner. I left her alone, intermittently. She didn’t feel good. But, she hasn’t in quite a while.

I woke her when I usually do and gave her the meds she wanted. Then, I went back to bed. I was really tired and eventually got up in the middle of the morning. I hadn’t heard her, but that isn’t anything new, either. Well, she was sick again. Very ill. I cleaned up the bathroom and told her I wanted to call the ambulance. She said she didn’t need one. She also told me she had called me after she got sick, but I didn’t hear her. (turns out, the monitor in her room was against some stuff. No wonder I couldn’t hear anything from upstairs!) I didn’t like how she looked, but mom is the boss of herself. She had gick on her top and I convinced her to change and empty her waste bag. Well, before she did that, she got sick again. I wiped her face and nose and said I was going to call. She said it would be ok. In a little while.

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Finally, I did and we got mom sorted and in the ambulance. At one time there were 4 EMTs inside and I was reminded of one of Little Bear’s favorite books. ‘How many trucks can a tow truck tow if a tow truck tows tow trucks?’ I wondered just how many EMTs does one lady need???? We were at the hospital before noon and they needed to find a vein for an IV. The very handsome nurse used ultrasound. (I also discovered it is absolutely easy for me to watch a needle in a black and white ultrasound look for veins. I didn’t get queasy once!!!!) They gave her some nausea meds directly with fluids and by dinner she was ready to come home.

We did stop at Arby’s and she still has most of her shake and half of her sandwich to finish, but it is only Sunday night. Mom has decided she is going to eat smaller meals more often. Whatever she wants to do she’ll do. I am betting we’ll end up needing to go in every couple of weeks for fluids. She gets so dehydrated when she gets sick. I think that tumor in her abdomen has got to the reason she has nausea and indigestion. With only one intestine and the tumor sitting right on top of it and growing, but I’m just the bystander. I don’t really know much of what is going on. I know mom has great vitals. I know mom is always the best patient (note: there were some VERY strange ones in the hospital on Saturday!) and everyone loves her. I know she’s very strong. I know she believes she is capable of caring for herself all the time. I know she is not going to let go of life gracefully. Although, she did say she was glad I was here this week. So, there is that.

It is so funny to talk to The Craftsman. My world here is so alien to his, he has no idea what I’m going through. He just wants me to come back so life can be like it was. I don’t think it will be. I discovered I’d forgotten to tell him about mom’s pain pump remote, but we talked on Tuesday and Friday. The pain pump thing was on Wednesday. Texts are shorter and usually focus on saying good night.

I did chat to Strider for quite a while and he told me about a new recipe he was going to try. It was a pizza made with a minced chicken Parmesan crust. I’m looking forward to his review! So far, the author he recommended was very good. We’ll see how his pizza pans out. (no matter how you slice it, it is always cheesy!)

10 thoughts on “I am ok.

  1. I’m right there with you my journey sister. I feel tired and exhausted. Haven’t kept up with the blog much, nor answered comments. At times I feel like everything is draining me so much, I barely can exist.
    I can tell you though that after each bump the road levels a bit and we need to learn to embrace the smooth paths to gather strengths for the next bump. You are never alone and you are definitely not insane. My love and heart follows you through each rocky start and together we are lifted in spirit. Xo

    Liked by 2 people

  2. It is moving to see you deal with your mother’s illness. The praiseworthy part of you is that you show that you have a big heart to give them such attention. Your love is immeasurable and you should feel satisfied to offer that to your mother. We continue to support you and send you positive energies so that you can continue with your praiseworthy work as a daughter. With your writings you will leave a living example for the many people who follow you. A hug.

    Liked by 2 people

    • The Craftsman was here for a week in May 2017 and Little Bear in September of last year. They are both really busy.
      I hope your position is less irritating and that you’ve gotten rid of stuff by then. 😂😂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve never had to be a care-giver, so I can only imagine how much strength and love you must have to be able to sacrifice your life for your mom. She’s lucky to have you. If I ever need a care giver, I hope that person is like you.

    Liked by 2 people

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