Strider shared this song with me last week. It is peppy, contains a million references to stories, and is about going on. I’m glad he shared this, I fell in love with the words and the tune, and I am following a map into a land I’m not familiar with. I know, even if I’m not in a game or book, I am a traveler who often needs ‘spirits raised when in great despair’. I hope you enjoy it.
Mom is in a great deal of pain. The abdominal tumor is growing larger. The nurse knows something is not right and yet, there is a good chance the agency will drop mom again from their roster. The home health nurse says she is just not sick enough for them to be paid by Medicare. If she does have this surgery she’s supposed to for carpal tunnel, they may opt to do therapy. If so, they’ll visit for that reason. Her stats are still doing well, for the most part. She insists on doing things on her own. She shouldn’t live alone, but she refuses much help. Her glucoses this last few days have ranged into the 450’s often. The nurse told me something I once heard from The Awakened Gentleman ages past. Mom is probably going to hang on tooth and nail for quite a while.
On the night of solstice, I sat in the park where we have a bench with dad’s name on it and talked to him. (I was alone, it was after 1 am, talking to a bench is not as bizarre as it might be!) I used the f word several times, and apologized. I told him I’ve talked to him before and it doesn’t matter, but if he could just TRY to talk to mom and tell her it is time for her to leave, I’d appreciate it. The nurse has noticed nothing changes each time she visits. Mom repeats the same things and does the same sorts of things and says she’s planning on doing the same kinds of projects and doesn’t do anything. She’s spinning her wheels to stay alive and her life is hers, she’s not happy, she wants to do more and can’t. I know it isn’t any of my business to bother with how she is handling herself, I know she’s trundling on as best she can. I know she is a stubborn amazing woman. I know peace isn’t something she’s really very familiar with, so seeking it is just losing. Mom hates losing and refuses to.
I got as far as the above words the other day and had to stop. As for me, I am not feeling good. My jaw is still sore and I’m not hungry. Unfortunately, the few carbs I do eat are often all in one meal and that isn’t good either. So, I’m not losing weight, just parts of my life! I had plans for Saturday. Well, I had things I needed to do on Friday night, too. I have gotten none of them done. This is now Saturday afternoon and mom looks a ton worse than she has in days and I have no idea when I’ll get anything done.
I woke her at 6 am today, she didn’t get to bed properly til 2. Then, I heard her up at 8, so I kept my clock set to wake me and kept resetting it. I was supposed to have left today at 8 and I’d be back by lunch. (I have no energy!) Anyway, I awakened for the severalth time (that is several over and over, in case you wondered.) and decided to check on mom. She was just sitting up and looked like hell. I thought she’d had a stroke for a second. It was just a low glucose. I got her some Ensure and went back downstairs. I actually crawled back under a blanket! (thankfully, I was dressed!) At one, I figured I better check on her again. I pushed her to get up and eat, I am hoping she took some insulin. I suggested how much she should take, but she’s pretty out of it today. I’m often worried about her, for no real reason. I made her an appointment to see the radiologist again next month, anyway. The same day she gets the stitches out from the surgery.
My sister is bringing her daughter over on Monday. Pippi leaves to visit her older sister in Seattle soon, so Jake figured it might be good to have Pippi stay with mom for several hours during work hours. Mom has appointments on Tuesday and if my self isn’t better by then, I’ll call the dentist back. My appointment for the crown thing got pushed back a week cuz mom has two appointments one of those days.
I haven’t really been much online. Checking and reading thru emails and responding to very few. Posting brief notes on FB, making a few curt comments. I’ve not loaded any of the solstice photos onto the laptop yet. I have visited one of the pancreatic cancer pages on FB. I don’t know the odds of different cancers, but it sure as heck looks like a lot of people end up diagnosed with this particular one. I also downloaded a picture of a page someone posted. It is about things that might change before death, mom is between months not weeks and weeks not days. She’s been there for years. Which is why the nurse said what she did. Someone on the FB page mentioned how confusing it was. They watched their practically comatose dad rally to varnish the porch the next weekend and asked if this was normal. I shared that this disease is a day by hour sort of experience. And nothing is usual.
I have been reading a bit, too. Oddly, they are stories where the main character ends up in a nurturing position. They are also favorites to read. Comfort books, if you will. Not much substance, but a lot of warm cinnamon and sugar. Then, I ran across a fun hunting and fishing book. It has a title that makes perfect sense in any part of life. ‘You’re not lost if you can still see the truck.’ By Bill Heavy. He said in one of his chapters, ‘Making sense is not among the universe’s higher priorities. Its workings are hidden, perhaps random, and God help you if you get it its way.”
We are travelers, often on the same path, sharing our stories, and dodging the poisoned darts in the maze as best we can. Thank you for not letting me go alone.