Mercy

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Podman texted me today he was praying for my mother and for myself. I told him it was hard to know what to pray for. He responded with ‘Mercy’. I wish for this in all the ways it is meant.

Mum was worn out from her Friday and Saturday. I did not wake her at 4 am, I did not get up to make sure she had breakfast, I did not go upstairs til it was close to time to leave for church. She looked like hell and said she really didn’t want to go today. She was super sweaty hot and freezing at the same time. She had to change her fitting and looked worse than usual. She had managed to get up and do for herself, but it was harder this morning. She said I could go, I didn’t. I have things I need and want to do on Monday. I wanted to elf and I was going to speak to a banker about a credit card and just do a few Kris things.

Mom slept all morning and then got busy this afternoon again. She did walk out earlier to get her paper (she must have worn her jammies.) and tried to walk out on the main pipeline when it got a bit warmer. (She didn’t tell me about either of those things. But, it isn’t important to tell me things. As a caregiver, I’m pretty useless now. I’m a caretaker, as in I take care of the house and appointments.) She made dinner. It was horrible. She has a lot of fish in the freezer that is freezer burned and it is so nasty. I didn’t want to cook it. I could not throw it away, mom wouldn’t let me. Mom’s stomach is stronger than mine…well, mom doesn’t have most of her intestine, so maybe it is that which is stronger! She also made little biscuits from some low fat bisquick I had purchased (she prefers the real stuff and I, the latter) for a fruit scone thing. (I don’t when she bought the frozen fruit. I don’t think it was in the freezer since before I showed up in 2016!)

I asked, as I always do when confronted with frozen fruit, if it had sugar in it. She then told me this. ‘I don’t buy things with sugar in it, I know you like candy. If it isn’t enough, you can have some candy.’ She said this in such a snide voice. I told her I did like candy and hadn’t eaten any today. She then told me that was good, I shouldn’t eat anything like that. After which I told her I had errands to do in town on Monday and was she going to go with me. She said yes.

I know she thinks I drink too much diet soda. I do buy kit kats when I can. I have eaten many of her chocolate kisses. I do not eat her cinnamon rolls or sugared cereal or whatever else she buys that isn’t a carb I feel is one I need. I know I eat too much and she ingests more than I do. She tells me often how fat my sister and I are and that she’s still too fat, even though she’s wearing her smaller clothes. (good thing she doesn’t throw anything away!) I am not eating breakfast, I try not to eat things she buys, except for at dinner and a piece of bread with some meat and maybe small crackers at lunch. She hurts me so much.

I told her I should probably get my ticket south, since she is managing so well on her own. She knows I won’t be gone but a week or two at the most. She has me wrapped around her hand, worse than she did when we were kids. As a kid, I could run off with friends and, as a teen, I had boyfriends who would rescue me from my home all the time. She doesn’t say she sick, unless it does something for her.  At the moment, she’s not sick. She’s fine again, she hurts and whimpers, but by golly, she is going to beat down this cancer once more and me in the process.

I know she is taking things out on me because I’ve been in her house too long. She hates having to share her world with someone not of her choosing. She wants to hold the reins of everything (even if they are held badly). She loads the dishwasher half assed and remembers how things are done, but can’t quite do them like she used to. However, that isn’t her fault. It is the modern bad grain of yarn, knitting needles, the soap used for dishwasher pods isn’t as good (if things are not clean in the dishwasher) as it used to be, and the reasons go on. She talked to the people who wanted to adopt her dog today. She told them she was doing great and she was not going to give up Obi. They are glad she’s getting well.

She used to be so busy. In early 2016, she was still teaching. She was volunteering and managing her life in that ‘used to’ mode. She reminds me of how lazy her kids are. I am not sure what she did when she was my age. I know she’d already beaten colon cancer, she was working full time in schools, sewing, taking projects in to kids for craft time, I’m not sure if she was in the Juvenile center as a teacher or if she was subbing in the schools, she was in theatre either onstage or elsewhere, she played in her church and I don’t’ know when she started playing in two churches. Quite honestly, I didn’t talk to her very often because she was never home. Dad was, I talked to him a lot before he died. I know after he died, in 2006 or so, she managed a day care while she was flying to ANC a couple of times a week for radiation for breast cancer. She’d fly up in the morning and work in the afternoon.

One of mom’s friends told me that perhaps she was resting so much now because her body finally had a chance to do so! I know I sleep a lot. Between blogging and reading and sleeping, those are my escapes lately. I’m so thankful I had that great weekend a bit ago. The joy in people around me who message and text and email. Those are the gems to hold onto in the darkness of mom. The mom who will not give mercy, because I don’t need it. I watched a video, (I can’t find it again, I may have mentioned this before) there was a phrase saying God is a babysitter on the phone. It was incredibly visual. He’s too busy for anything in my life, I get this. Most everyone is! Besides, I don’t know what I need and if I can’t figure it out, why should I get it?!? Especially mercy.

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7 thoughts on “Mercy

  1. Hugs. It has to be difficult to sit by, and watch the slow train wreck happening. I’m so sorry it has to be you to get the frustrations your mom has to be feeling after a life time of energy, sending you random bits of electronic messages is all i can offer. I wish it could be more. 😿🤗

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  2. Sweetheart, I’m shocked and confused, I hear desperation near, but not quite at a sense of hopelessness here. I don’t know your story, this is the first time I have read your blog. I’m sure I’m missing something, but have to ask, are you staying away from your home to be with your mum? Why are you there? It sounds like she is not respecting you? It even sounds like she resents you being there? Are you needed? What would happen if you left? Sorry for all the questions, but I don’t get it. My heart goes out to you. Mercy means showing compassion or forgiveness towards someone who is within one’s power, are you waiting for her to change? If you are within your mum’s power, you can choose to remove yourself. You may not believe that, right now, but that is where your mercy will come from, from yourself taking your power back. If you stay, let it be because you choose to. If I have misunderstood your situation, I humbly apologise for my words. x

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    • Thank you for reading, I hope if you do pop in now and then, you will see more of my odd story.
      I have been on a long journey. It was my choice to begin with, now it is more my duty and responsibility. If I left, I am afraid she’d die quite quickly.
      I was asking, sort of mercy from the powers that be to reach down or out or whatever to release me.
      I’m pretty tired of this job I took on. Unfortunately, life doesn’t let you back out of it all that easily. For 50 plus years mum has been a manipulator. I’m used to it, but I’m also the responsible one. I know it is a choice, but I’d have to live with the guilt of leaving her to die alone.

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  3. It sounds like you are in a really difficult situation, caught between a rock and a hard place. Does that mean there are no other options than you? No services, carers support, other family members, even if they are part of a plan that also involves you?
    Having had a very controlling and manipulative mother who was unable to love me throughout my childhood and early adult years, I can relate. She is eighty-eight now, she is still manipulative and controlling, part of who she is, but not often towards me, she also loves me now. You can read what happened in my case in my blog: ‘Mothers’ parts one to six. I do realise everyone’s story is different, though, and we all need to find our own path.
    I am certain there is support from what you call ‘the powers that be’, as they are there for everyone, you just have to ask, which you are doing. However, your situation sounds complicated and there may be a number of things going on that could mean your soul is keeping you in this position for the time being. With your permission, I will count you in my prayers and meditations and let you know if I receive any insights for you. In the meantime, my love is with you. x

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  4. Kris, my thoughts are with you. There is an inevitable time when parents lose strength and become dependent on their children (unless they die young). Roles are switched, and 99% of the time, parents resent it, recognising that they are losing control of their world, and of their free will.

    You are doing your best. Don’t beat yourself up about the fact that your Mom doesn’t appreciate you. She does, but to admit it means she is no longer the person she recognises.

    Give yourself a hug and pat yourself on the back. Your care and love is at the heart of your actions and that is the best gift you can give to anyone.
    Be well and love yourself. Take tiny steps through each day and find comfort in the small things, like the swans…
    Kind messages come in many guises. 🙏💛

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