The Dark Side–so to speak!

I watch mom and feel helpless. She is slowly melting into nothing and pretends she is fine. So, I’m going to her side. Sort of. I’m going to push her to movement and doing things as best I can. I’ve been with her almost exclusively for the last couple of days. I managed to leave briefly on Friday about 7pm for an hour or so, but for the most part, where I go, she goes also.

Thursday was a bad day. (I may have mentioned this…)She managed to burn herself at lunch and then put a brace on her hand so the nurse wouldn’t see it. (she wears it often, I’m hoping the burn is ok. It didn’t look bad, but she keeps wearing the brace.) I wasn’t told til much later. Her striving for normalcy was so frustrating, I decided then I wasn’t going to deal with pretend anymore. At least, for the time being. I’m not going to protect her. I’m not going to get her up in the middle of the night (this might be hard to do….) and only give her help when she asks. (she doesn’t) Every single medical professional has said to wait. I’m tired of waiting. If she thinks she is well, so be it. I’m going to follow her call and act like she really is ok. (it is sort of pretend, but more like calling her bluff. We’ll see how she does.) She said I shouldn’t push her. My response was if she felt she was fine, she should act like she is.

Friday, she had a friend visit. I often speak to the lovely lady, I like to think she’s my friend. However, I know mom resents my having friendships she has had longer. (she doesn’t say it, but she insinuates it!) So, I stayed in my dungeon while the friend was here. Then, as soon as she left, I chivvied mom into leaving the house to go shopping. I did not want to take her to Walmart, but I did and she was there an hour. She missed her hockey game, but I didn’t care. She needs to realise that in order to live, she has to do it herself. She spent an hour in there, said she was going in and out, but I knew that wouldn’t happen. (I did ask if she wanted someone to walk with her, she refused.) After, I had to stop at the library (I’ve been in books since Friday….and it is Saturday at 8 pm. Oh dear, I might run out of reading material!) and pick up the first of two books I already had, it was on reserve. I stopped at the bank, mom wanted to know why. I’m not quite ready for her to regain control of her finances. I told her I had to put a couple of checks in. We got back by 6 pm and I let her put away all the groceries she purchased. (She bought a LOT of junk.) She was panting and whimpering, but insisted she was quite ok. She didn’t sleep well and I did wake her up at 4 am. (that was before I made my choice to let her be)

We had a discussion about driving. She really really really does not like she’s not allowed to do that anymore. None of her medical persons want her to drive. I’ve been told, if I leave, to take the keys or park the car elsewhere. I’m not quite ready for her to be that mad at me! But, the roads are drying out and she’s looking forward to walking. She wants to regain her strength and if a melted candle can, so be it. Just talking about doing something isn’t going to do it.

Saturday, I wanted to drop some stuff at the dump. I don’t usually do recycling at the same time. There is too much. Mum, however, decided we should do all of it. I insisted she go with me and she insisted we take the dog. (so I rearranged the car of recycles to make room) Once there, she helped unload things and tossed heavy bags of trash into the bin. She was really panting, but said she was used to being the dump person and it wasn’t fair to make me do it by myself.

The beach was packed today, it was really warm out! Above 50, I think. Mum was bundled up in a sweatshirt, down jacket, and toddled around. (to hear her tell her friends about her walk is funny. But, I also posted on FB how ‘great’ she was doing) We didn’t stay there very long and she was exhausted. I stopped to get gas and mum was shocked at the prices. (She’s upset about how much things are costing and she’s worried she won’t have enough to do other things) On the way home, we discovered the swans were back.

There is a creek between two lakes (a large one and a smaller one) and the swans show up on the edges before the ice melts completely and they find a secluded spot to nest. This year was the first year I’ve seen them IN the creek since High School and there were two pair. (mum said she’s seen swan on the creek right near the culvert, but she did amend she’d not seen two pair before.) It was exciting to see these giant lovely creatures. I’m pretty sure they are Trumpeter swan, Tundra swan usually hang out in large groups and generally stop in the river flats area before heading further north.

Anyway, the road over the creek has a guard rail. I cannot step over it. Mum decided she was well enough to not only get out to take photos (hers are not quite as good as mine), she climbed over the rail. I was terrified she’d fall, but of course she didn’t. (I have and learned to go around!) She forgets the spot on the road is a curve and a lot of traffic drives past very quickly, I’m glad no one found her in the road! We were minutes from home and once back, she was tired. I don’t know if she took a nap, I did! (but I’m always tired and she often reminds me that she has more stamina than her kids.)

Anyway, I didn’t get to leave to elf or anything I wanted to do. So, seeing the swans was pretty grand. Tomorrow is Sunday and church. She’s often too tired to attend, I’m going to make sure she does. She did say a bit ago, when she took her 8 pm shot, that she hurt. I reminded her if she hurt, that meant she wasn’t fine. She seemed disgruntled by the observation.