As I sit at my laptop, contemplating this week. The last months. The last year. Next week. I feel an ache in my chest and tummy from not being loving enough toward friends. Toward my family. I should have been a better friend to so many of those I know. When those friends extended an invitation or some other form of friendship (communication or whatever), I should not have ignored them. Passed it off because I may be needed with mom. So many opportunities lost because I was trying to be responsible to one and dropped it with others. With my family, I need to remember to not mind when someone is busy. I need to remember their lives are just as convoluted as mine. I need to remember to give more to those I adore, admire, and care about so much. I ran across this video on FB. I love the video blogger (is that the right term?). Once again, he hits the nail on the head. I’m too busy with mum and forget to take care of the others who are important to me. And then, they are gone in one way or another!
In the previous post, I asked for help. I didn’t clarify I have some things in order. Sort of. Mum does have a will. That was finalized just before she was put in the hospital in 11-2016. (If you have parents, try to slip them towards the sharing information stage a bit before a critical medical situation!) She did ask to have money set aside for her cremation (I should probably talk to her financial advisor). There are several venues for a memorial service, I just don’t know if I should go big or not. People may not go because they went to the baseball game last summer (in fact, mum’s pastor mentioned in a roundabout way that the baseball game was a sort memorial for her.), but not all her friends attended that. As I look at the service, it seems like I’m getting ready for the closing ceremonies at a Cub Scout day camp. (I was program director for many years with such programs) Mum is always the most important person and once she is gone, this is going to be her last hurrah. I had better make it important. She wasn’t a vet, dad was. I also want to put a sidewalk square for her in a busy, favored park in town. However, she’s got this silly idea that it was illogical to put up a park for someone who died while drinking.(—He was one of the cutest kids in my class, it is a very pretty park, and he was screwing around drinking.) There are a lot of memorial stones in it for educators. Mum would be right at home!
I did find out about her house mortgage today. It is almost done, but I had no idea just making a last payment wouldn’t end it. Next month will finish it and I’ll visit a banker and hope it gets sorted. I could do it this month, but am not sure how the next weeks will pan out. (I may need those dollars!) I had a statement thoroughly explained to me today and need to take another thing to Sir Wrench to see if it is important (an informative letter about the rig). I also found out that mom had signed up to have Fed Ex or UPS things dropped at the post office. (I learned from SSC that the addresses out here are absolutely bonkers. Even though mum lives in one city, her physical house address is a different one! Don’t ask me how this works, it apparently does. The post out here is for the city mum lives in, they help the drivers who drop off things by giving them a localized spot. Granted, most of them know where mum is, but wow!)
Next week is going to be a bit of a pull for mum. She told me she was too tired to get her hair cut this week, so she’ll do it next. She walked to the paper box this morning, it was 20 degrees, but she said it wasn’t bad except for the wind. (she wore her down coat and was pretty panting when she came inside. She decided to go because I forgot it wasn’t Saturday. The paper doesn’t come on Saturdays) The other day, when the nurses were here, I was holding her so they could examine her back. She is so frail!!! I know not having teeth makes her look more feeble overall, but damn, she almost looked better when she was going thru chemotherapy. Almost. Monday we fly to the city and back to have her pump checked over. Tuesday she has labs done in a nearby town. Wednesday the nurse comes to see her. Thursday she gets her hair done in the morning and meets her new oncologist in the afternoon. Friday she gets to talk to the oncologist counselor. (thankfully, they won’t talk to me! I’d take reams of paper if they took notes!) She said it would be a bit much, but she could do it. After another week of healing from the surgery and getting it recalibrated, she’ll be ready to go.
Not so myself. I am so damn tired. I look at photos from a couple of summers ago and I was prettier then. Today, I have an almost perpetual crease between my eyes, a fairly constant headache that vanishes only when I manage to forget I’m the responsible one, I drink too much diet pepsi because I need to be alert, and my tummy aches cuz I’ve been too busy for those special people in my life. I find myself getting on my boots and just looking at them half on and thinking it is too much work. I eat too many spoonful’s of ice cream or snack on Kit Kats and Jr Mints. (the latter are on sale again!!)
I don’t want to get up in the morning. I notice tears are on the edge of my eyelids and almost anything will send them spilling over onto my wrinkled faded cheeks and freckles. I’m a pathetic mess. I would say I don’t care about anything except getting mum sorted, but that isn’t true. I do have things I want to do and attempt to make time for. (I was totally bummed. I was going to elf on Friday and due to one thing and another, never managed to get there. Hoping I will this Saturday. Thankfully, the owner of the home is staying elsewhere for most of the weekend again, giving me the go ahead for a different time. House elves to the fore!!) I did get some more books and am enjoying an absolutely awesome read I’ll post about later. (except I forgot to take notes!!!! Grrrr) Maybe I just need hugged and kissed and….
No matter, I am going to leave you with this photo that made me cringe, even as I took it. (or is that WHY I took it!!!???!!) The local Safeway is going through extreme renovations, moved the eggs, and scrambled their grammar.