The last few days I’ve been hiding. Not coping. Crying. Burying myself in blankets and bear. Existing as I must, hiding the rest of the time. I read emails and have no energy to respond. I read blogs and cannot even move to think about what to say. Numb and full of anger.

I canceled my tickets to leave on Friday last. Thankfully, I had purchased insurance (granted, I need to print out 11 pages—they all appear to be pertinent forms—and have mum’s doctor fill out 3 of them). I also got a credit, so in my anger, there was thanks. I arranged for two new ones to the big city and back. (which were more expensive than my one way to Oregon!) I’m hoping we can use those tickets. This time of year is notorious for fog and fog can totally shut down an airport up here. Some planes do fly, those were not the ones I reserved tickets on.

Why did I do this? Because my mum, who is rather healthy on paper, isn’t. The doctor we saw on Friday last determined there must be a new tumor and it isn’t subcutaneous. He’s not sure how they will treat it (at least he didn’t just blow her off and say come back in a few months). He had thought about having a pet scan in the spring, it appears he wants it now. As in this week. He dropped many different options. I looked them up. It was absolutely fascinating!

There is a thing they can do where a needle is stuck in the tumor and heated. This fries the cancerous cells. They can use something called cryoablation to freeze a tumor. When it defrosts, the cells die. Oddly, they can also kill carcinomas in the liver with alcohol. (irony??) These procedures are fairly common and yet not. As a practice it is called interventional radiology. What the doctor wants to have done with mum is radio frequency ablation. Unfortunately, there is a doctor in the city who may be able to help her. But, in the notes he wrote up, he said he send her to San Francisco. Mum was not happy with that idea.

At any rate, we won’t really know much until this Friday. Mum has a pet scan on Wed (if we can get there). Today, Monday, we met with her primary who is going to work on setting up home health to visit mum once a week again. Unfortunately, she’s not really that sick. We both change fittings (there must be a more advanced technique out there. She’s been doing the same thing for 30 years and is comfortable with it.) and I have given her meds every so often. She’s able to mostly sort of care for herself. Kind of.

Tonight was bad. She didn’t like what her primary care person told her about CA or that mum should not drive. She wants me to make sure if I am able to leave that I find someone to put eyes on mum every day. (Which will wear her out completely, cuz she’ll be on stage!) She also reminded mum she’s really strong, an anomaly, and most persons don’t live as long as she has if they have pancreatic cancer, and she’ll do well. (Mum insists she needs to live for a few more decades) I had to remind mum to take one of her shots this evening, she didn’t do it very well. Then, she discovered her glucose was 55. So, she had a snack of some sort. I went upstairs at 10 and she was sleeping and out of it. (her glucose had gone up to over 200, I had to check it for her.) I got her meds for her, she chose to take half a sleeping pill tonight. Didn’t last night. Plus one for nausea and two for pain. (I hope she sleeps for a while. Usually she is up after a couple of hours.) I was reading an article about diseases of carcinoma. Many persons don’t actually die from the cancer itself. Many die from complications. (I can totally see this happening)

I’m still angry with God and mom and cried and prayed and wondered what is wrong with the eyes in my heart. (The Little Prince  Antoine de Saint-Exupery “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”) I was hiding from one of my strongest support groups and I’m sorry. (Cutting off my nose to spite my face…and I think I have a rather cute nose!) I need you people. Bless you and bless you again.


20 thoughts on “Hiding

  1. Everything is right with your heart ❤️
    It’s very difficult to say something “useful/or helpful” in such difficult situation.. oh wish you all strength and endurance and patience..a little bit more to all u have inside already ☀️☀️

    Liked by 4 people

  2. All the above. sad for the set backs for you.

    I had to read this line a few times. I seemed to be registering the wrong spelling of the word “bare” in my head. Got it straight now. 😌
    “Burying myself in blankets and bear”

    So sorry to hear your flights home are up in the air… wow, what a bad choice of words… an anti-pun. Your mom is both her best, and worst enemy. Her fierce fight for health is admirable, but being resentful of doctor’s care, or treatments is crazy. Interesting treatments.

    Don’t know why she’s resistant to going to SF. Who knows… she might meet the infamous, Kent Wayne, and Bite Fighter. Heck, I’d go to SF for that meet up. Of course, you’ll have to go too as her care giver. Then maybe you can come back and tell us if it’s really true about his bootie shorts and bow tie.

    Stay in touch with your fans. 🥇 and leave your nose right where it is on your face.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hiding is okay, Kris, a fairly harmless coping mechanism. I visualize pulling a bandage off painfully slowly. You have loved and respected her will and wishes. Celebrate life with her now; be stupid, be silly, dance and sing, read and play with your bear. Be free to be you! Hugs!

    Liked by 2 people

      • I understand, Kris. I recognize there are people who are warm (you) and there are people who are not (probably your mum), and there are people who are cold. I have come to realize that the category is not reflective of their depth of love. BIG hugs to you!


  4. Sometimes life is anything but easy, especially if we deal with the same issues over and over. It sounds like you needed a time out, just like me. I haven’t read any blogs lately and sometimes we need to take a break from being strong all the time. We need to tend to ourselves and nurture us in order to be good to everyone else. There is nothing wrong with you my dear and you are a strong beautiful Warrior with an even more beautiful soul. Thank you for being in my life. Xo

    Liked by 1 person

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