When a person says they are on the fence, it’s considered a bad thing. It’s not always. It can also be a balance thing. This is where my 2018 will be.
2017 was a year I could have done without. (actually, The Craftsman wonders if it even counts since we were apart for more than a year and missed two anniversaries) It did have some sparkling moments. I’ve made blogging friends who changed my life and I’ll cherish forever and I’ve been thankful for grounding (a not new idea that seems revolutionary!). I’ve done things I never imagined I’d do (a bodily waste bag was not in my top 1000 things to learn how to manage before 55), I’ve discovered math isn’t all geometry and can be understood with help, and I’ve learned sleep and hot showers are a luxury to never ever take for granted. (nor is chocolate!)
My first steps in fence balancing will be to organize things so I can leave mum for a few weeks. I need to be as comfortable with the idea as she is. Thankfully, people will call her often each day and I hope to have some stop by and see her in person. Jake will visit at least once a week to take the trash and wash for her. (might be about all they can handle of each other!) I’ll need to leave a list of things for her that need to be done (lye for the drains and so on). Although, at the moment mum is outside in the shop, so perhaps she really can be left alone. (she didn’t tell me she was going outside and she didn’t take her medic alert button, because she doesn’t need it) In a discussion with mum’s radiologist oncologist nurse (M is a ‘patient coordinator’ and has the patience of a SAINT, especially with me!), I’ll communicate with mum’s primary doctor on Tuesday to see if it is appropriate to have a nurse come by. (Mum had one for quite a while, but proved to be too healthy and was dropped from the roster—that was about the time the tumor was found at the end of July) Because I got my ticket so close to the holidays, it’s been difficult to contact the professional world to speak of my eminent withdrawal from mum. (M is an exception, she even texts from parties! I love that girl very much. C, her co-worker, is also a great deal of fun. I’d be sick if I could hang around with them…wait, that didn’t type right.)
Jake being around mum is also uncertain, because of health. Winter is a time of rampant illness at the pool where my sister works. It is truly a cauldron of chlorinated germs. (you’d think the chlorine would kill everything bad, but it doesn’t. For some reason pink eye, colds, and flu seem to thrive in a pool atmosphere.) Jake cried off visiting today because she felt she had a raging fever today and has a coff. She thought she may have gotten it from the bonfire party she was at for the New Year. (When she called, she was getting ready to pick up her daughter from a party she had attended. I just rolled my eyes. I’m glad she didn’t visit, but you can totally see how much of mum she has in her. If she can reasonably get out of a chore, she will!)
After I get mum sorted, I’ll see about the balance in my own life. Body, soul and spirit. Or maybe I’ll sleep for a week, interspersed by baking, reading, and hot showers where I can cry and no one will see or hear! Then, I’ll work on the other things!
Resolutions are not something I do. They are like plans, hopes, dreams, and wishes. Without substance. In the last years, the phrase ‘Que, sera, sera’ has become my reality. I do a great deal of whining (especially in here!), but when the hammer hits the nail, nothing really matters. Every day follows the next. The beads are strung one experience at a time. Dark ones, light ones, silver, and gold. They each have a shine creating the strands of my life. Some may be dropped to roll away, some might break off. They may be found again or end up living with the dust bunnies under the bed. The thing to focus on is the moment I’m in and to rejoice when those gems of joy slip on my string. They are all the more beautiful for being unexpected.
I had a bad very dark blue day on New Year Eve Day. I over thought things and fell into darkness. It got better after I visited with Kel for a bit (I held a flash while he set off a couple of fireworks) and then I saw my SSC friend. He suggested I visit a nearby store, which was still open. I got ice cream. A small portion of my very favorite kind. (the one that is like caloric frozen sex) I ended the year with watching a bunch more fireworks, laughing at two 20 somethings sliding down the bluff on the summer window shade from their car (they told me they didn’t do hard drugs or alcohol, just weed and cigarettes.) , and doing a spot more of tidying up for my friend. Perfect.
So, this is where I’ll be this year. Tessellating on the fence with needle, thread, and beads.