On the Fence

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When a person says they are on the fence, it’s considered a bad thing. It’s not always. It can also be a balance thing. This is where my 2018 will be.

2017 was a year I could have done without. (actually, The Craftsman wonders if it even counts since we were apart for more than a year and missed two anniversaries) It did have some sparkling moments. I’ve made blogging friends who changed my life and I’ll cherish forever and I’ve been thankful for grounding (a not new idea that seems revolutionary!). I’ve done things I never imagined I’d do (a bodily waste bag was not in my top 1000 things to learn how to manage before 55), I’ve discovered math isn’t all geometry and can be understood with help, and I’ve learned sleep and hot showers are a luxury to never ever take for granted. (nor is chocolate!)

My first steps in fence balancing will be to organize things so I can leave mum for a few weeks. I need to be as comfortable with the idea as she is. Thankfully, people will call her often each day and I hope to have some stop by and see her in person. Jake will visit at least once a week to take the trash and wash for her. (might be about all they can handle of each other!) I’ll need to leave a list of things for her that need to be done (lye for the drains and so on). Although, at the moment mum is outside in the shop, so perhaps she really can be left alone. (she didn’t tell me she was going outside and she didn’t take her medic alert button, because she doesn’t need it) In a discussion with mum’s radiologist oncologist nurse (M is a ‘patient coordinator’ and has the patience of a SAINT, especially with me!), I’ll communicate with mum’s primary doctor on Tuesday to see if it is appropriate to have a nurse come by. (Mum had one for quite a while, but proved to be too healthy and was dropped from the roster—that was about the time the tumor was found at the end of July)  Because I got my ticket so close to the holidays, it’s been difficult to contact the professional world to speak of my eminent withdrawal from mum. (M is an exception, she even texts from parties! I love that girl very much. C, her co-worker, is also a great deal of fun. I’d be sick if I could hang around with them…wait, that didn’t type right.)

Jake being around mum is also uncertain, because of health. Winter is a time of rampant illness at the pool where my sister works. It is truly a cauldron of chlorinated germs. (you’d think the chlorine would kill everything bad, but it doesn’t. For some reason pink eye, colds, and flu seem to thrive in a pool atmosphere.) Jake cried off visiting today because she felt she had a raging fever today and has a coff. She thought she may have gotten it from the bonfire party she was at for the New Year. (When she called, she was getting ready to pick up her daughter from a party she had attended. I just rolled my eyes. I’m glad she didn’t visit, but you can totally see how much of mum she has in her. If she can reasonably get out of a chore, she will!)

After I get mum sorted, I’ll see about the balance in my own life. Body, soul and spirit. Or maybe I’ll sleep for a week, interspersed by baking, reading, and hot showers where I can cry and no one will see or hear! Then, I’ll work on the other things!

Resolutions are not something I do. They are like plans, hopes, dreams, and wishes. Without substance. In the last years, the phrase ‘Que, sera, sera’ has become my reality. I do a great deal of whining (especially in here!), but when the hammer hits the nail, nothing really matters. Every day follows the next. The beads are strung one experience at a time. Dark ones, light ones, silver, and gold. They each have a shine creating the strands of my life. Some may be dropped to roll away, some might break off. They may be found again or end up living with the dust bunnies under the bed. The thing to focus on is the moment I’m in and to rejoice when those gems of joy slip on my string. They are all the more beautiful for being unexpected.

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I had a bad very dark blue day on New Year Eve Day. I over thought things and fell into darkness. It got better after I visited with Kel for a bit (I held a flash while he set off a couple of fireworks) and then I saw my SSC friend. He suggested I visit a nearby store, which was still open. I got ice cream. A small portion of my very favorite kind. (the one that is like caloric frozen sex) I ended the year with watching a bunch more fireworks, laughing at two 20 somethings sliding down the bluff on the summer window shade from their car (they told me they didn’t do hard drugs or alcohol, just weed and cigarettes.) , and doing a spot more of tidying up for my friend. Perfect.

So, this is where I’ll be this year. Tessellating on the fence with needle, thread, and beads.

Balancing beautifully.

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10 thoughts on “On the Fence

  1. All the best Kris with the balancing on the fence.
    You’re stronger than most.
    2017 demonstrated just how much stamina and resilience you have.
    There may not be enough chlorine in the swimming pool. People tend to err on not enough assuming it’s easy to put in too much. So much chlorine is lost as there is more activity, it’s really important that the concentration is monitored continuously.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Kris, you’re not alone in thinking that 2017 was a year we could have done without, I’ve read many blogs in the past couple of days that say 2017 was a bit of a weird disaster at times. As it goes I feel the same way. My 2017 was a bit like the curates egg ~ a mixture of good and bad. In August last year I took a long road trip from California to Wyoming to witness the total eclipse of the sun ~ that was pretty damn good, mostly, most of the time. Bits of the rest of 2017 were just f*****g terrible for me.
    Some say that a total eclipse of the sun is a harbinger of doom, and that strange and bad things will happen. All I know is that plenty of people have said there were plenty of weird, strange, and bad things happening to them in 2017.
    Balance in body, mind, and spirit are important, it’s something I strive for, it’s something I fail at a lot of the time. The thing is to keep on keeping on. Put one foot in front of the other every day and never give in and never stop trying. Keep balancing beautifully.
    Today it’s only page 2 of a 365 page book, we have plenty of time to make 2018 a great year for both you and for me. And, so does everyone else who reads your great blog.
    Love and Hugs from England.
    Jack Collier

    Liked by 1 person

    • I didn’t think of the eclipse being doom. I just thought it was cool, even if I didn’t see any of it except in photos.
      It was a crazy year, though. Probably not any more than usual…Just really different! The year before was harder on mom, she had chemo in 2016. Yucky stuff.
      Gonna keep an eye out for the balance. Thank you for helping me and spotting for me as I totter on that fence!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. On the fence? My first thought was to ask whether you were riding side saddle. Straddling a fence can be painful… don’t ask me how I know. Ouch.

    But I see its more like a balancing beam for you. Hope you manage a graceful dismount, and win your gold medal.

    In my first several years of marriage, we spent about half of it apart. I’d say it counts, even if it feels like it doesn’t.

    Hey, don’t you know you never need one of those medic alert things… until you need one! Then its too late… because you left it somewhere. Doh!

    Hope you get lots of rest on your time back home. Sleep, but balance it with plenty of fun, relaxing activities to pamper yourself. I hope it’ll be nothing but those enjoyable beads to add to your strand of life.

    Liked by 1 person

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