The no subject post–

tears

I want to cry.

Mostly for me. Mum is actually doing positively great. Her A1C was lower than it has ever been before, her tumor marker was lower than it has been in months, and she has only had one pain pill since 4 this morning. So, why do I want to cry? Because she is a selfish horrible woman and I’m the only one who can see this.

Mum’s appointments were at 11 and 1130. Before we left I warmed up the car and got the paper. The car was iced shut (it rained and then froze last night) and while I walked down the drive I noticed my right calf cramping. I had also, just before we left, changed mum’s fitting AGAIN. (food choices really do make for a bad seal)

The first appointment wasn’t too bad. That professional doesn’t ignore me as much. Then, before the second one, mum said her fitting was leaking again. My calf was incredibly sore and it was getting later in the morning. By the time we left the second appointment (mum’s two health care providers are right across the hall from each other), it was late. The less I say about that appointment the better.

I needed to get some more fittings  (I had forgotten I had several more stashed away) and I wanted to get some more of the solvent to remove the tacky glue from her skin. (Each fitting needs to go on a clean surface to help improve the connection of the adhesion to the skin)

My calf was really hurting and it was now almost 115. Mum decided we should stop and get lunch at Arby’s because we were not going to be home til at least 215. I didn’t know til we got there she wasn’t going to eat it til we got to the house.  We still had to stop for birdseed and the mail (those two stops are right next to each other and she didn’t want me to have to go out again later today. Which is silly as those stops are less than 10 min from mum’s house.). When we got home, mum needed the fitting changed. (I had been popping glucose tablets, I should have stopped after the first 4 and checked my own blood sugar. I also was getting a headache.) I got her the lunch she had ordered (her glucose wasn’t bad, even with the half of a small milk shake she had already consumed!) and a single pain pill. She had told the nurse at the second visit her pain was at zero, but since I had messed with her abdomen, it was a little bit bad. (She took a second one about a half hour later)

So, yeah, I didn’t get my own sugars checked til 230 and they were high due to the fast glucose I had been ingesting.  I feel a bit better now. Eating ‘real’ food is nicer than sugar tablets and even if I was high, I still ate the chocolate salted cookie I bought. Not carb friendly, but oh my…better than sex friendly! (because it is more available!)

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I took 3 Tylenol tablets (for my aching calf, which does not like stairs going up and down from the basement!) and am now going to take a nap. It was so much easier when I had small kids. I would let them whine or cry while I took care of me. Mum lays guilt down by making me feel (1) she’s tougher than I am (well, she is!) (2) that I shouldn’t want to spend her money for food and (3) her errands and self are much more important than her daughter’s (which is the way it has always been).

I looked at mum’s next appointments and wondered if I could actually leave her for a few weeks. Then, after today, I realised, it might not work. If I do, she’ll either manage to half kill herself with her own horrible self care or mess up everything I’ve gotten under control. She does make me mad. I feel I am a horrible daughter….

29 thoughts on “The no subject post–

  1. OH no! Sorry to hear about your bad day. I know you probably have lots of online followers who want to give you a big, virtual hug. I hope you have someone who could give you a real one in person. And if those cookies are that good… enjoy a lot of them… often.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Kris, you’re too hard on yourself. The way you take care of your mother makes you an amazing woman. She doesn’t appreciate you the way she should. I hope tomorrow brings you a better day,

    Liked by 4 people

    • I’ve looked. It is kind of funny-the care I can get for her is the basic stuff I do, I’d need to be back every few hours for the meds. It is just easier to sleep and be in the basement and pop up every few hours than it would be to leave and come back and leave and come back. Waste of gasoline! lol

      Liked by 1 person

      • You could take her to the doctor and get them to look at her meds. Most time they can review and cut out the unnecessary ones or change the regimen so that she can take them all at the same time or at most morning and night. That way easier to care for her . We used to do that all the time when I was working in the hospital.

        Liked by 1 person

      • She’s doing really well with everything, except reality. Her stats are incredibly good at rest. She only has a couple of prescription drugs that she takes every 4 hours as needed and one she has with breakfast or at bedtime (the latter is also as needed). With the exception of the breakfast one, when she takes them is her choice. OK, the insulin is prescription and is always needed! (so is mine!) It is the shots that keep the prices so high for medical help. Anyone can give oral meds, no one wants to mess with needles. I do it every day, have since 1983.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh okie. That’s a bummer. The only other thing I can think of is an insulin pump that would take away the need for needles . It’s hard caring for a diabetic. Carers over here charges $30-$40 an hour. Not sure how much they charge to give needles.
        The overall system is pretty god over here. There’s a team that assess the elderlies and if help is warranted they get so many hours of home help a week like someone comes to clean their house, do the shopping for them. There’s meals on wheels too so they don’t have to cook etc.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh lord! THAT was the worst part. She had it finally taken away a few months back. It was so frustrating to load and what not. She’d eat whatever she wanted and ‘program’ it accordingly. I will never get an insulin pump (at least not at this time!)

        Liked by 1 person

      • I know many people who like them. I am sure I’d hate one if I had it. It would be better for my health, but watching mum…yuck. They are awful in a hospital, too. Mum or I had to manage it for her OR they take it away during her stays. I’m just glad we don’t need to mess with it anymore.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I wonder why? Red tape? I know over here if the tablets are packed into dosettes the nursing staff won’t administer as they can’t recognise the tablets or unwilling to take responsibility even when labelled by pharmacy.

        Like

  3. You sound like you need a day off for self. I know what it is like as sometimes we get irked as we are hurting and everything else adds to it. You are not horrible. I feel the same way. I sometimes wish I could have self time too. Garfield hugs😙

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Kris, I know I sound like a broken record but you need time for yourself…BADLY! As our folks age they can lose sight of other people’s feelings and needs, especially those of family members, and can come to feel they are not receiving the care they deserve. And if there’s one group of folks who can really score one’s soul it is family members; they know us well enough to find just the right ‘needle’ to really make us pay. You are NOT a horrible person; in fact, you are doing far more than most familial members can or would do under such circumstances. Care-giving is among the most difficult and least appreciated of activities; this is why so many care-givers end up worse off than the person to whom they provide care. Please, please do not go down that road!! Get away even if your Mum crabs at you and tried to make you feel guilty. You deserve some ‘Kris time’ and the only way you will get this is if you allow yourself to get it. Hang in there, Kris, you are a very special woman!

    Liked by 1 person

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