I want to cry.
Mostly for me. Mum is actually doing positively great. Her A1C was lower than it has ever been before, her tumor marker was lower than it has been in months, and she has only had one pain pill since 4 this morning. So, why do I want to cry? Because she is a selfish horrible woman and I’m the only one who can see this.
Mum’s appointments were at 11 and 1130. Before we left I warmed up the car and got the paper. The car was iced shut (it rained and then froze last night) and while I walked down the drive I noticed my right calf cramping. I had also, just before we left, changed mum’s fitting AGAIN. (food choices really do make for a bad seal)
The first appointment wasn’t too bad. That professional doesn’t ignore me as much. Then, before the second one, mum said her fitting was leaking again. My calf was incredibly sore and it was getting later in the morning. By the time we left the second appointment (mum’s two health care providers are right across the hall from each other), it was late. The less I say about that appointment the better.
I needed to get some more fittings (I had forgotten I had several more stashed away) and I wanted to get some more of the solvent to remove the tacky glue from her skin. (Each fitting needs to go on a clean surface to help improve the connection of the adhesion to the skin)
My calf was really hurting and it was now almost 115. Mum decided we should stop and get lunch at Arby’s because we were not going to be home til at least 215. I didn’t know til we got there she wasn’t going to eat it til we got to the house. We still had to stop for birdseed and the mail (those two stops are right next to each other and she didn’t want me to have to go out again later today. Which is silly as those stops are less than 10 min from mum’s house.). When we got home, mum needed the fitting changed. (I had been popping glucose tablets, I should have stopped after the first 4 and checked my own blood sugar. I also was getting a headache.) I got her the lunch she had ordered (her glucose wasn’t bad, even with the half of a small milk shake she had already consumed!) and a single pain pill. She had told the nurse at the second visit her pain was at zero, but since I had messed with her abdomen, it was a little bit bad. (She took a second one about a half hour later)
So, yeah, I didn’t get my own sugars checked til 230 and they were high due to the fast glucose I had been ingesting. I feel a bit better now. Eating ‘real’ food is nicer than sugar tablets and even if I was high, I still ate the chocolate salted cookie I bought. Not carb friendly, but oh my…better than sex friendly! (because it is more available!)
I took 3 Tylenol tablets (for my aching calf, which does not like stairs going up and down from the basement!) and am now going to take a nap. It was so much easier when I had small kids. I would let them whine or cry while I took care of me. Mum lays guilt down by making me feel (1) she’s tougher than I am (well, she is!) (2) that I shouldn’t want to spend her money for food and (3) her errands and self are much more important than her daughter’s (which is the way it has always been).
I looked at mum’s next appointments and wondered if I could actually leave her for a few weeks. Then, after today, I realised, it might not work. If I do, she’ll either manage to half kill herself with her own horrible self care or mess up everything I’ve gotten under control. She does make me mad. I feel I am a horrible daughter….