I am so tired. I’m tired of being in charge. I’m tired of septic systems that flood every god damn month. I’m tired of not being able to wash myself or use the toilet because it might flood in the laundry room. I’m tired of leaks that seem to not stop. I’m tired of having to do the chores and fixing and managing all by myself because no one else seems to have the time to help me. I’m tired of not sleeping an entire night through. I’m tired of listening to mum be ‘fine’. I’m tired of other people telling me she’s doing really well and that I’m not seeing how great she is doing. I’m tired of making sure she’s doing what she is supposed to. I’m tired of watching her try and fail or try and risk herself. I’m tired of not having good internet. I’m tired of not being able to bake. I’m tired of cutting my own hair. I’m tired of driving all the time. I’m tired of math and finances. I’m tired of giving. I’m tired of hiding my tears. I’m tired of wanting to be hugged for real. I’m tired of being alone. I’m just tired.
I know this is just whining. I know that people are busy and the problems I face each day are not that big of a deal. I realise asking for help doesn’t always mean I’ll get it. I understand keeping mum happy is the absolute most important thing I can do. I fully accept it is my responsibility and my choice. It really isn’t that horrible, I tend to exaggerate and make mountains out of molehills. I do have people who give time to me, sheesh, I just wrote about that the other day! I need to remember and focus on the good things, they do happen. I need to remember I can do the laundry and take showers and use the bathroom after I get the solution for the drains. I need to remember I have lots of clothes with me, even if they are ones I don’t want to wear because it is getting colder. I need to remember it is ok to pee outside. Anything is possible, I just need to adjust my way of thinking. I need to stop bitching about things and put on my big girl panties, whether they are in the laundry or not! I need to pay attention to the things which happen over and over and realise it is better to be confronted with the same problem than a completely new one. I can do this. I have to do this. It is why I am here.
But, gods..I am tired.