Changes

Nothing is permanent, not even tattoos. I’ve been pretty angry the last week. I’ve been more alone than I’ve ever been. It is interesting  how avoiding social media makes people forget you. It doesn’t matter. Nothing does. I have a huge streak of apathy running thru me lately. I’m angry with God. I’m tired of everything. I do a lot of sleeping. Probably making up for the months I didn’t get much at all. I think I’ve been spending about 18 hours of my 24 with my eyes closed or asleep the last whiles.

Mum, on paper, is doing better than anyone ever expected. In reality, she continues to be tired and sleeps a lot and hasn’t got the energy to participate in activities. She says she’ll do things and at the last minute, opts out of them. I get frustrated with people who tell me to have more faith, to be stronger, and myself when I realise no one can help me. I am not sure what will happen from day to day or hour to hour. I want mom to be at peace and she won’t take that option. I feel like a terrible child because I want that peace when she appears to be getting better. She is not the person she was, she does not  have the life quality she used to, and she takes it out on her kids. I found out this week, her home health nurses are dropping her from their case load. I get this, she has managed to regain and the changes she has had are not debilitating. It just crushed me to realise she is in my boat completely now. Her oncologist’s office called me and her next appointment is in September. She doesn’t have an appointment with her diabetes professional set up. I HATE this. I am encouraged to keep doing what I have been.

Well, lately, I’ve been in the basement in between errands out. In the dark, sleeping away the hours of existing. So, be it. If I am not back, it is because there is nothing to say. I’m surprised I’ve even typed this. Yes, the apathy is strong in this one! lol