This is a post of random disjointed thoughts. Kind of like the last week.
It is just shy of a year. Mid July 2016, I arrived in Alaska for two months. It has been the longest two months ever. Two months which have stretched into 12. Months in which I have put an entire year of my life on hold as I exist to keep mum alive and follow her on a course of what cancer and treatments can do to a body. I love being home. It is where my soul belongs. I’ve followed it thru four true Alaskan seasons and been thankful and grateful for having the chance to be here.
The chance to take care of mum isn’t quite the blessing. I grew up with mum. She’s been a difficult stubborn opinionated always right woman since the first day I realized we were separate entities. I think I was about 4. It absolutely astounds me to know how many people know her as one person, when my sister and I know someone completely different. While she was sicker, she was easier to be around. Now, she’s getting more well day by day and I am having trouble not fighting back.
She snipes at me for my weight, she comments about my conduct and the few people I manage to spend time with, and her dog gone stubborn ‘I can do whatever I want to, so there’ attitude is making me realise how angry I am as a person. (Especially when she talks about how well she is and still caves in the latter hours of the day or in private.) How I am angry and whine in the key of Me, me, me. I am constantly bitching about me, I, and my stupid thoughtless ways. I must admit, for the first time in many months, I wished I could do away with myself and still be responsible. Which is pretty funny, you can’t. Being responsible is well, being responsible! Mum is the most important person in her world and mine and I need to remember that. (I don’t type this to ask for sympathy. It is just a down in the depths whining experience. I would not do away with myself, responsible people can’t.)
This last week has been horrible. I’ve been floating in a world of existing day to day. The nice things which happen, as I mentioned, are commented on or dismissed as unimportant, while she repeats things she has already told me.
I was at the inlet for a couple of hours and when I got back to the house, she had taken a shower. ‘All by my self!’ I was pretty floored. The only other unassisted shower she had, I was in the next room if she got into trouble. I learned today she walked the dog half as far as I have ridden her bike. She’s lucky she didn’t crash like I did. I told her tonight if she wanted to gain independence, she needed to do more on her own. So, at 8pm. I didn’t give her the shot she is supposed to have. I almost always give it to her because she forgets. Yup, she forgot tonight. But, when she took it at her bedtime (a couple of hours late), she also took the WRONG kind. She misses her pump. She could just punch in numbers and it would work. Sort of.
Oddly, she would wear the pump on the side which is going to be scanned next week. The growing painful lump, which was going to be looked at before this week, isn’t getting looked at til next. So, things are put on hold again. I don’t know much about cancer, I’ve been learning some, but wow…. I was curious if a person could have cancer in their body growing and yet, be perfectly well in their regular labs and in strength. I’ve been told yes by friends. But, I’m betting she doesn’t have another cancer spot. I’m betting it is just a sore lump.
I asked for a sign to help me decide what to do (one of my favorite blogs ‘Cauldron and Cupcakes’ passed the idea on—I’ve been reading ones which show up in my email) and so far, nothing has been seen. Kind of like mum. She was supposed to move somewhere else in September. The results of the scan won’t be til the end of July. And she needs to go to ANC to get the results. So, I need to bother someone to take us up there or put on my big girl panties and forget how terrified city driving makes me and rent a car and go north. For a visit I am sure will last all of 30 min in the very late afternoon, including waiting time. Thankfully, it isn’t dark, so I won’t have to deal with much night. It is fishing season, though. And THAT is ridiculous. And mum hasn’t managed to sit in one place for a long period of time in ages. 180 plus miles one way with construction and tourists….(OK, that ‘in the key of me’ again).
So, can we pack her up in August or not????? Will she lose her place in the queue? Should she even go to where she wants to??? Who will get the dog and the cat??? Does anything matter??