Lost and found

IMG_6537 Often truth is stranger than fiction. Things happen which make absolutely no sense, yet they make you smile in amazement. Or yell or cry or whatever emotion happens to pop across your visage at the time! I had a couple odd things happen to me today. Almost putting the dishwasher pods in the freezer because I thought they were the meatballs I’d purchased was just natural selection of the silly. The other? That was truly bizarre.

The earrings in the photo are very old. I was granted pierced ears when I turned 13 (it was a very grown up thing to get done and the age of 13 was deemed the best age to do this). I loved having pierced ears. Then, in college, I decided to go wild. I had one other piercing on my ear. This made three. (I know, not really wild, but hey…I thought it was!) After a time, I decided I didn’t like it. I was home and my sister wanted to get another piercing (she had a LOT) on one of her ears. So, we went in and she got one and I got one. Now, I had 4 and was perfectly content. Especially since I also purchased an amethyst pair of studs. I almost always wear those earrings in my top piercings. Sometimes I’d wear a different pair, but these are my favorites.

When I got dressed this morning in layers, I discovered one of them was minus a back. I was crushed! Where on earth was it? I had slept in a sweatshirt with a hood, gotten dressed in a tank top, snap up western shirt and shorts, brushed out my hair, put it in a pony tail, washed my face, and quite honestly, I was sure the connector piece was gone. The worst part was the back being from an older pair of earrings, made when earring studs were solid metal. I didn’t know if I could replace it. I was in a hurry to get to a friend’s house, so carefully put the two earrings and the single back on the table, deciding to deal with it later. I got in and out of the car a couple of times, buckling and unbuckling, because I’d forgotten things before finally actually leaving. Once at my friend’s, I removed layers for inside wear. Before I left, I put them all back on and a glint on the floor caught my eye. I bent down and it was the back to my earring!!!!!!

How on earth it managed to fall to the floor where it could be found after all the things I’d done, I’ll never know. The absolutely lost item was found and put carefully into a sealed plastic baggie. The pair is complete and residing together in the baggie, awaiting cleansing. (I decided to clean them, since I’d taken them off!) It still baffles me to know it followed me to my friend’s house, but I am VERY thankful! I cannot even imagine where it might have been. I don’t think I could come up with a yarn good enough! True stories are pretty strange sometimes.

If only

IMG_6522 - Copy If only I could show you how incredible this lake is. Yesterday, there was a bit of a breeze. When it blew across the lake, it was like silver glitter being spilled. Every so often ducklings would appear. They’d get caught up in the pool of glitter and look as if they were scrambling for purchase in the shimmer.                                                                               IMG_6523 - Copy

The lily pads held patches of gold surrounded by silver on black, stunning jewels for the breast of summer water.

Tonight, the sun had finally gone down. At 130 am, the lake was reflecting black trees and charcoal skies. Billowy clouds of a lighter hue crowded the surface above the cones of the firs and peeks of light illuminated the water in streaks.

I wish I could show you.

One of those days

I got up, got mum as organised as I dared, made my bed. Looked at my bed, got back into it, and stayed for a while. I also forgot my morning shot again. It’s all better now, but really! Looking for some of those scenes which won’t happen in real life!

piodybMjTbed

Ohemgeee!

pioM6aMiE This time it isn’t guilt (at the moment). This time AAAARG! OK< I forgot to mention this in my crazy day, but mom’s therapist told me she should be cut loose and I need to let her do her own meds and as much care as she can handle. So, I have been. She had all her pain meds last night (she asked me to get them for her), so I woke her at 4, because I didn’t think she could do it on her own. She couldn’t have. I woke her this  morning when it was 8 am for her morning glucose and shot. She wanted to stay in bed, but opted to get up for a bit of breakfast. I asked if she wanted me to make it for her and she said she’d do it. She  poured herself cereal (I measure) and grabbed her little cup of morning meds I had set out (there is no way she could have opened the new vitamin bottle, I had trouble!! Stupid safety seal). I asked if she was going to have protein with that and she said, ‘Yeah, could you make me some PB toast? It’ll help me gain weight.” She is lucky I am a well behaved child, I wanted to throw something at her.

I give her PB toast every single time she has cereal of any kind, she usually has peanut butter on her frozen waffles , and I even give her PB for snacks at night. Peanut butter is NOT going to help her gain weight today if it hasn’t in the last 7 months. And she told me yesterday, the reason she’s losing so much weight is because she needs the rest of her teeth pulled. Cancer is not a reason for unexplained weight loss. As one of my friends told me last night, she needs to grasp onto any excuse she can for her illness, but gods, it makes me so mad! It is like I’ve not done anything to keep her well.

And the worst part? My blood glucose was horrible this morning and hers was really good. Stupid.

A crazy week!

20170612_171241 I drove a push button rig which I learned was not quite as modern as we think. In the link, by the 6th slide you learn they existed as early as 1912. 20170613_185645 I mowed mum’s yard. It isn’t a lawn, it is a very steep slope of various sorts of greens. It kills my calves as I  push the mower (see star) up and down the expanse. IMG_6424 I looked into the recesses of one of mum’s cupboards for something I decided I didn’t need when I realised I probably couldn’t get it out if I found it anyway. IMG_6463 (2) I spent time photographing this lovely instrument of death while it was perched in the yard. After I took close to 60 photos, the darn thing flew down to the lake and snatched a duckling for his post photo op snacking pleasure. It wasn’t enough, he got another one about 20 min later. 20170616_200420 It appears I wore old worn white shoes for several days this week. Well, one of them is more worn than the other. I also discovered I had a duplicate set in a different area of my basement. 20170616_174530Then, I found this in a store where I was picking up burgers for dinner. It sort of seems seasonal with the white and red color scheme. However, I was feeling it an apt bit of signage for me this crazy week. I have been too nice lately and I am ready for naughty!

These two blogs made me laugh out loud, too. This friend shared a song and this friend words so bizarre, you have to laugh!

The best for last

1455114_10200970404322658_636278944_n Dad married Mom when I was in 5th grade.  I was seriously skeptical of this union. I was tired of new men. I was tired of dads. I was not even interested in having one more. I was doing just fine raising my sister while mum worked. Shoot, I was in 3rd or 4th grade and babysitting at night for friends for cash! The night my sister asked when we should start calling this man dad, I kicked her under the dinner table. I didn’t need another dad. I was gloriously wrong. Guys who marry into readymade families of girls are a special kind of hero. I had no use for this man and watched him every day for a stumble. He didn’t. In fact, as the years went on, my sister and I decided if they divorced, we’d go with dad!

This dad adopted us when I was in Jr Hi. He took the ‘free state money’ us Alaskans got and invested it. Because of this, I don’t have a college debt. Dad took care of it. Dad bored me with an in depth study of how a transmission works in a stick shift before teaching me to drive. He then smoked incessantly when I was first behind the wheel (note: when he told me to turn right and I didn’t want to because all I saw was a bush, and then when I finally turned right and stopped in the bush, only to discover there was a road just to the left of the bush, it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t know the road was there!). Dad didn’t mind all those boys who brought me home and dated me from age 16 on. He didn’t seem to mind they were in my basement room with me, either..But, I digress!

Dad was there when I ended up with Diabetes after graduation from HS. Dad’s insurance covered the disease I inherited from my biological father and he let me go off to college where I wanted (he wanted me in AK, I wanted to leave!). Dad survived both his daughters getting pregnant out of wedlock at the same time. Then, while I was getting married, he helped my sister with the birth of his granddaughter.  Dad went thru more than colon cancer with mum and her hobbies and more college education and helped control her clutter bug. My timeline is hazy, but I think mum had breast radiation while dad was alive. I believe they were both removed the year he died.

I was fortunate to be home when my dad died. Cigarettes were the main reason he died so young (just after he turned 65), I do NOT like those things one bit. Leaving Alaska after was the hardest thing in the world. I knew if I ever came back, Dad wouldn’t be here. But, he is. Oddly, my youngest son reminds me a great deal of my dad in quite  a few mannerisms, there is a memorial bench in a park with dad’s name on it, and my family has two of dad’s hobbies in their grasp. Dad restored juke boxes and we ended up with four. Dad also purchased an 57 Mercury in 1997, which The Craftsman inherited and enjoys greatly. (The Craftsman was a Ford technician for a number of years)

My Dad taught me patience, a little about finances (he’d be so proud of me today!!!), and whole lot more. He was always the one who asked if mum had sent me packages for different holidays. He was the one who bought me an answering machine because no one was ever home when he called. Dad made me music cassettes and videos on any number of things and movies.

I often wonder what he thinks right now. Gods, I wish I could ask him! Dump all this crap in his lap and let him fix things like he did up until his last months. I miss my Dad so much. I visit his memorial bench often, I find sitting on his bench is a way I can get close to him. But, then, I realise he isn’t here and I need to go on. Because he would.

Lilies and Forget-me-nots

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When really yucky things happen in our world,  it is good to find what is right. Let me share, in words which do not quite fit the meaning to my amazing experience, what has happened to me in the last couple of days.

Lilies of the valley are an old fashioned flower. The little tiny white bells bounce in the breeze, shaking their subtle scent into the air. A fragrance both sweet and gentle. Forget-me-nots are my very favorite flower in the world (which is part of why the one and only tattoo I have is of them!). They are also tiny, but have blue petals surrounding white and gold and black. They can turn to purple as they age and have teeny tenacious seed heads which cling to fabric and fur. Both of these flowers have a beauty which can landscape a yard if allowed.

Recently, I shared I’d bought out a baseball park to honor mum. Well, this week I also did one of those gofundme things for the event. It was suggested others may want to help to defray the cost. I have to say, I was stunned as I was enveloped with the gentle fragrance of giving. I honestly had no idea I’d get more than maybe one or two hundred dollars in a week or two. The giving has gone beyond what it was set for in less than two days and I’ll let it run to the weekend. As one of my best friends suggested, ‘You can buy out the beer garden!’ I’d actually like to get her a jacket. (I do have a nefarious reason for this, I’ve always wanted one and if I get one for her, I may inherit it! Although, I am quite a bit bigger than she is now. Her car also needs strut thingies, I found that out this week, as well. I was told not to drive it too far. Her appointments are about a 60 mile round trip.) Needless to say, Mum is being remembered. I shared some of the names of the people who donated with her and some are from a ways back in her life. (NOTE: I did not tell her more than they wanted to help with the cost)

I am so glad I was encouraged to do this. Yesterday, mum had an appointment. I am sure my followers know mum’s blood sugars have been…. ummmm, rather bad, to put it lightly. I knew she was getting thinner, but she has lost 14 pounds in 19 days. She is now 100 pounds. She thinks this is ok, she remembers being that weight and it wasn’t that long ago. (it was when I was in grade school) One of her doctor types does not like this and we are on a new plan….So far, it appears to be working. Her physical therapists are pleased with her progress and hope to keep working with her for a week or two longer. Today was one of her bad days, she didn’t feel good and slept most of it.

I am so thankful for the support structure around me. I am grateful for the help with my project. The kindness of friends, some who are only known via FB, completely poleaxes me. Many of them, I don’t know at all. They know mum. Many people are looking forward to ‘Nancy’s Game’ and another put up a Caring Bridge page for folks to get in touch with mum.  As I was writing thank you notes, I had to blink back tears. These wonderful souls are some of the lilies in my valley, I will forget them not as I sit near still waters. They (and thou!) do comfort me.

Hidden

IMG_6478 (2) Not everything is black and white. The various shades which make up our world tend to blur on the edges. When you are at the end of a rope, someone always reaches out to drop more or give you a hand up. Even on Alexander days, there are good things to find. Like today: Even though my glucose dropped quite low before lunch,  mum’s was fairly good. When I was sick to my stomach from the drink I ingested to bring up my sugars, I was still able to do errands. I was able to rent a vehicle during tourist season for a bit of a discount. I had to call The Craftsman several times for help on how to work it and he didn’t laugh…much. (Seriously, MY brand new Escape in the early 2000’s was nothing like this thing!) The nice kid who scanned my groceries was super sweet, but I wish he’d noticed the bread bag was split and the lid on the fruit wasn’t sealed properly. Dinner wasn’t as good as mum wanted, but thankfully I had done everything she told me to do. I didn’t get to talk to the eldest today, I was out taking photos of an eagle. Although the bird snatched more than one duckling snack, it helped remind me life isn’t all black and white.

Which brings me back to the first line of my post! What is hidden inside the hues is as important as those things which stand out. Thank you to all of you who are generous and not afraid to blend. Bless you, much.

Need more rope

ropecat It is crazy. I’m completely tired and shouldn’t be. I am often up this late. Sometimes I take a shower, I often talk to a good friend (I take advantage of that person….), and I hang out online or read. Tonight was different, though. Mum was also awake.

She had taken one 10g ambien, one nausea pill which is supposed to knock her out, and two .5g oxycotin.   Those were around 1045. She stayed awake til 1. Then, she asked me if I could take her to church ‘tomorrow’. If she is well enough, I will.  I am unsure as to how well she’ll be. Her blood sugars today have been really off and I’m not sure it is all do to my screw up at lunchtime. At 1020, before  her meds, her blood sugar was 320. Then I had her check again at 1230 and they were 430.

She is not tracking well and can’t remember things. I showed her the loon photos I had taken when I went out on the lake this evening. She had forgotten we had talked extensively about loon earlier in the day when I had seen the bird at 8am. She called my youngest niece by her sister’s name, which doesn’t seem like a big deal, but they are about 17 years apart in age and very different.

I am going to  have to cancel the dr appt I had for me for Monday and I am going to have to cancel mum’s car appointment as well. I am going to need a vehicle as mum is going to have at least one appointment next week. Probably earlier than later. I’m positive she has ketones in her system, but don’t have anything to check for them. And I wouldn’t know what to do if they showed up. Mum says she is fine and doesn’t need to go to the hospital. Not that they’ll do anything with her anyway.

If I take her to church tomorrow, I’m not going. I’d be afraid of talking to people and I don’t want to watch her tell everyone how fine she is. I’ll go and do a couple of errands. And pray I don’t run into anyone I know….

Paddle On

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The lake has so many babies on it, avian predators are using it as a refueling stop in their travels. Eagles, both immature and grown, are frequent visitors as are loon. The goshawk hasn’t been spotted yet, but I’d not be surprised if we see it soon. Granted, the immature eagle is not very adept in his hunting (I watched him/her slip from the perch it was trying to land on), yet the bird terrifies the families. The loon is absolutely fascinating. I’ve been googling these birds and they truly are beautiful creatures of death. Although, one article I found shared a loon adopting a baby goldeneye. On this lake, goldeneye are tasty morsels.

It is frustrating to watch this not family friendly saga of life on a lake. I want to go out and protect the babies, but I’m also considered a predator. A bright orange kayak gliding on the water surface is an unknown and therefore, scary. Mum feeds the mallards up at the house, she isn’t supposed to. I often go out and feed them. Mostly because she will if I don’t. But, also because the babies are so darn CUTE! I’ve even gone down and tossed cracked corn in the water near the shore, it makes it easier to focus on them with binocular and camera lens!

The mamas have a lot of work with their babies. As they get braver, they venture further away from her proximity. Some mamas are not very good at keeping track of their kids. After some predator appears, the lake echoes with shrill peeps and distressed squawks until everyone is back to where they are supposed to be. Moms who had 8 offspring are down to 3 or 4 and they rally them close and keep on paddling.

I often see myself reflected in this season of young things. I am caregiving and often I don’t do it right. Parts of mum’s care escape me.

Today I truly screwed up and gave her the wrong insulin when my own blood sugar was in the 70’s. Her care comes first and glucose tablets sort of helped me. (I also had a bit of mum’s apple crisp and couldn’t even taste it—I must have been low! Later, however, my glucose was way too high.) Anyway, this morning, when I gave her both lantus and humalog, I put the pens in the wrong boxes and at lunch gave her 6 more of lantus instead of the 6 of Humalog. Thankfully, she didn’t notice anything about me giving her two shots at lunch (I gave her the Humalog, too). She gets pretty pissed when I mess up her insulin. She wants her insulin pump back badly. Then she can take care of things all on her own (mostly).  Her blood sugars have remained in the 300’s, after a fasting blood sugar in the 200’s. So, with the not being able to keep her in the 200 ranges and messing up her shots in the first place, I’m feeling like that mama duck. Not entirely useful at keeping those around me where they should be. Or at least, mum. I’ve only been taking care of her since the last days of November. It hasn’t been very long, really. And I should be better at it, especially with the Diabetes part. I’ve been a person with Diabetes years longer than she has!

I wish I could toss this task into someone else’s lap. This choice I made to stay with her was probably the best one, but gods, I am so bad at it! I often wish I was back in Oregon. Being ignored and doing boring routines tasks in my own house with my own books and kitchen and cupboards and not having to do number things like finances, looks better every day. And if I was in Oregon, I could go to a movie (maybe even with someone!!) and not worry about the consequences. I could dig in my own yard and not do it wrong, I wouldn’t have to mow the grass and weeds (this is a daunting task at mum’s), and I could sleep in my own comfy bed with the cats.

Paddling on is all I can do. And cry helpless tears in the shower, where they can wash away and not be noticed.  (and whine on WP!)