Being afraid of sex and my sexuality is one of the things which has crippled me the most as a woman.
I grew up with Playboy magazines (they were a coffee table book next to the National Geographics in most of the houses I babysat in), Barbie dolls, Daisy Duke, and Raquel Welch. My friends had brothers who plastered their walls with pages from Playboy. I knew boys preferred slim, busty, hippy, tall girls. All of which I would never be. I also had the idea boys only liked girls for one reason. Sexual gratification. My first intimate sexual experience was hilarious. That dear collegiate was also my first kiss when I was almost 16, which was also hilarious. We have often commented we should get together again and erase that last silly fiasco from our memories!
I liked sex, once I figured out what it was, but didn’t know how to experience it. After college, I moved near my spouse and Strider was conceived. I honestly think it would have been better to have gotten to know each other better before kids, but I’d never ever ever ever not want my eldest.
After our first son, sex was hit or miss, but we were young and doing our best. Our second son was born a few years later and this is when I started to realise something was missing. We both grew really busy. The boys being 5 years apart kept me bouncing from parenting to volunteering and back. I got involved in a myriad of activities and so did he. Our intimacy waned a great deal, which isn’t saying much. It was already fading! I began to read erotica, write it badly, and sext flirt with dear friends. I didn’t have any time for any sort of serious adulterous relationship, but I imagined them!
As time went on, nothing much changed and I grew more and more unhappy and alone. I was positive it was my weight. I was 98 pounds when I was first married and got much heavier after Bear was born. I was self-conscious and felt ugly. I was a Boston fern on a shelf. I provided comfort, existed for needs, and was pretty much left alone except for an occasional watering or turning towards sunshine. I rarely worked outside the home, my spouse’s mom was stay at home and he wished me to do the same. I admit, it was wonderful to be the mom who was always available for activities or projects or scouts or whatever. If we had lived nearer towns, kids would have been at our house all the time instead of often! But, trying to get off the shelf into the working world later was hard. Very hard. Everyone was used to me being around and hated it when I wasn’t available. I had spoiled my family and my spouse had neglected me.
I know this was partly my fault. I could have gotten even more outside interests. I could have taken the initiative and asked my spouse to take me to a movie or even a dinner. I know he is a busy person, but I could have asked. I knew sexual things I desired were ‘wrong’ and could keep suppressing them. I could have stopped reading and writing things my spouse didn’t approve of. I could have kept to myself and stayed unhappy and angry and depressed inside, showing a brave front to the world. I’d done the latter for years, I could have kept doing it.
But, I didn’t. I decided to try an experiment and stop fighting myself. It was amazing! I recall one day I went grocery shopping. I had skyped one of my good friends and he told me to act like I wanted to behave. I stood taller and smiled more and it was wonderful! I felt pretty and that inside feeling crept outside and I think I was! That friend sent me a lovely toy after I purchased my first one and someone very special gave me another. I had no idea toys could be so much fun! I didn’t know things I wanted were ok to desire. I have learned a great deal about sex and my body and the male body. Not lots, but more than I knew before.
I have no idea where this road in my journey will lead. I am enjoying it and will let things happen as they will. And, I am not going to be afraid. Sing it, Ladies!