Paddle On

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The lake has so many babies on it, avian predators are using it as a refueling stop in their travels. Eagles, both immature and grown, are frequent visitors as are loon. The goshawk hasn’t been spotted yet, but I’d not be surprised if we see it soon. Granted, the immature eagle is not very adept in his hunting (I watched him/her slip from the perch it was trying to land on), yet the bird terrifies the families. The loon is absolutely fascinating. I’ve been googling these birds and they truly are beautiful creatures of death. Although, one article I found shared a loon adopting a baby goldeneye. On this lake, goldeneye are tasty morsels.

It is frustrating to watch this not family friendly saga of life on a lake. I want to go out and protect the babies, but I’m also considered a predator. A bright orange kayak gliding on the water surface is an unknown and therefore, scary. Mum feeds the mallards up at the house, she isn’t supposed to. I often go out and feed them. Mostly because she will if I don’t. But, also because the babies are so darn CUTE! I’ve even gone down and tossed cracked corn in the water near the shore, it makes it easier to focus on them with binocular and camera lens!

The mamas have a lot of work with their babies. As they get braver, they venture further away from her proximity. Some mamas are not very good at keeping track of their kids. After some predator appears, the lake echoes with shrill peeps and distressed squawks until everyone is back to where they are supposed to be. Moms who had 8 offspring are down to 3 or 4 and they rally them close and keep on paddling.

I often see myself reflected in this season of young things. I am caregiving and often I don’t do it right. Parts of mum’s care escape me.

Today I truly screwed up and gave her the wrong insulin when my own blood sugar was in the 70’s. Her care comes first and glucose tablets sort of helped me. (I also had a bit of mum’s apple crisp and couldn’t even taste it—I must have been low! Later, however, my glucose was way too high.) Anyway, this morning, when I gave her both lantus and humalog, I put the pens in the wrong boxes and at lunch gave her 6 more of lantus instead of the 6 of Humalog. Thankfully, she didn’t notice anything about me giving her two shots at lunch (I gave her the Humalog, too). She gets pretty pissed when I mess up her insulin. She wants her insulin pump back badly. Then she can take care of things all on her own (mostly).  Her blood sugars have remained in the 300’s, after a fasting blood sugar in the 200’s. So, with the not being able to keep her in the 200 ranges and messing up her shots in the first place, I’m feeling like that mama duck. Not entirely useful at keeping those around me where they should be. Or at least, mum. I’ve only been taking care of her since the last days of November. It hasn’t been very long, really. And I should be better at it, especially with the Diabetes part. I’ve been a person with Diabetes years longer than she has!

I wish I could toss this task into someone else’s lap. This choice I made to stay with her was probably the best one, but gods, I am so bad at it! I often wish I was back in Oregon. Being ignored and doing boring routines tasks in my own house with my own books and kitchen and cupboards and not having to do number things like finances, looks better every day. And if I was in Oregon, I could go to a movie (maybe even with someone!!) and not worry about the consequences. I could dig in my own yard and not do it wrong, I wouldn’t have to mow the grass and weeds (this is a daunting task at mum’s), and I could sleep in my own comfy bed with the cats.

Paddling on is all I can do. And cry helpless tears in the shower, where they can wash away and not be noticed.  (and whine on WP!)

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