She’s gonna kill herself.


Today has been a ‘good’ day. Mum didn’t have any painkillers this morning, she had two Tylenol. She napped almost all morning and then she woke for lunch and had a pain killer and a nausea. Her blood was like 380 or something. The therapist came and worked mum over and was really pleased with mum’s progress. She is certain it won’t be long til mum can knit again and do her own self care.

I left for about 30 min to do a few errands and came back to find her on the couch. I went down to my basement abode and napped for a long time. While I was napping,  I heard lots of noise on my ‘roof’. Mum was in the kitchen baking. Granted, it was my fault. I had bought apples and then I had brought up one of her packages of apple crisp. I was going to make it, but I monitor what she gets. Mum made the crisp and was very busy doing all kinds of things.

When I got upstairs to see about her blood sugar for dinner I got mad. Her glucose is 496. I am sure she had apples as a snack. Yes, apples are ‘healthy’. Apples also have TONS of sugar in them. I asked if she was going to get her own dinner and she got all pissy with me. I’m supposed to get her dinner for her. I then asked if she had unloaded the dishes, no. She wasn’t sure if they were clean or not. There were dirty dishes in the sink and the washer had run this morning, before she napped. Her quad cane had been left in the kitchen. She obviously wasn’t using it much. (Later, she also got pissy with me about feeding her dog. She consented to do it, since I hadn’t yet. Remember that post about PB guilt?)

I gave her insulin and the damn needle bent. I use the most itty bitty needle tips for her pens and the thing BENT! Mum has so little subcutaneous tissue and her skin is tough. Literally and figuratively. I gave her meds and left her to her dinner. I just heard her put away her dessert dishes. I did not give her dessert. I’d have given her none tonight, but I am careful about how much ‘junk’ she gets when I do give her things.  I understand. I like junk, too. (which is why my HA1C is 8.7–I am going to get that down in the next month.) I take better care of mum than I do myself. Most of you are very aware of that—- Yet, her self care is going to fucking kill her. I have spent almost an entire year away from my own bed and my own kitchen and all my books and my yard/garden and my family to keep her alive and then she decides she can take care of herself and screws up. I’m thankful her body manages to pull out in time. I reckon her blood sugar tomorrow morning will be back to ‘normal’ and be around 115. She is damn lucky.

And I, I am angry.

8 thoughts on “She’s gonna kill herself.

  1. sounds like you love your mom more than she loves herself. I can be so frustrating, can’t it. You do all of that and sacrifice so much and it just seems in vain at times.

    Liked by 1 person

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