I’m tired today. Tonight. Whatever. It is 4 am and I just woke mum to empty her waste bag. I stared at the lake while she was in the bathroom.

The lake was a calm mirror. Mist was on the surface where ducks were swimming. Pink ribbons from the sky were flung across the still dark top. I wanted to go outside and follow them. I wanted to get in the kayak and slide along the strands til I reached a different tomorrow. A place where I couldn’t hear mum whimpering in pain. A place where mum wasn’t being too stubborn to ask for help. A place where mum wasn’t pushing herself to be perfectly well and going too far. A place where mum wasn’t. But, our lake is small and the infinity I want doesn’t exist. Resigned, I watch the ribbons float away. I’m left tied to reality by taut cords of responsibility.

I arrange mum’s pillows in her bed. She wants a pain pill, I can do that for her. I tuck her in and put the oxygen tubes back around her ears. She says she hurts from all the exercise she had yesterday and tells me this is good. I smile at her and turn off her light.  I stumble at the end of her bed  in the predawn darkness. The tethers around her grip me tight and I don’t fall. I’m not allowed to. The next alarm will go off in a couple of hours. I need to be ready.

13 thoughts on “Ribbons

  1. This is such a hard time for you….😪 It hurts. I know. And while you dream of a peaceful existence, you can’t dare dream of the actual future because the future means she’s gone. God, I don’t envy your situation, your pain. But…..inside, I’m happy you have this time with her to make the best of.

    I’m here. Just slug me on the arm and I’m here. Keeping you in my prayers. 💖

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Pingback: Ribbons, by Kris – Writers Envy

  3. a tough but precious time .. I did this for my fathers last weeks with us and as exhausting as it was it leaves a sense of peace, that I did all that I could to help him move into whatever comes next … your time for rest will come all too soon 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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