I feel lost. I had a stellar afternoon. I was able to attend ‘Beauty and the Beast.’ I smiled, cried, and giggled often and the girl sitting in front of me (age 17) laughed and chortled in the SAME places as I!!! I wish we had known each other well enough to sit together. I attended alone, but visited with my friend for a bit after. It was one of the best times I have had since mid-February.
I came home, falling back into care mode as it was dinner. Mum didn’t really speak to me of my excursion. I finally told her I went to a movie and she responded, ‘Good for you.’ I am glad she patted me on the head, instead of being really grumpy. She proceeded to tell me her blood sugar (330..and just now at the time of this writing, I am suddenly wondering if in the busy-ness of making dinner, getting her dinner, getting her the rest of her meds, feeding the dog, and assisting her in other ways…did she get her shot???) and make the rest of the early part of my evening about her.
Later, about 810, I managed to get away to the basement. I took a short nap. I know, it is a late time to take a nap, but I need to grasp those zzz’s when I get the chance. I woke and read and waited by the phone for a call which didn’t come. After the time for the call had passed, I went back upstairs and got mom organized again. Her blood was 400+ (not a surprise, it is almost always that high around bedtime, but I’m still curious if I forgot the insulin, it might not have ‘taken’ as she had a biscuit and strawberries with whipped topping along with the chicken and mashed taters) and she wasn’t feeling good.
But, as I was sitting there, reading and waiting for mom’s bedtime, I realized something. This is EXACTLY what I do in my own house. I take care of people, I feed them, wait, and read. I spend a great deal of time reading. Books are great companions, especially while one is waiting. In my realization, I wondered what I was waiting for? I don’t have any goals or dreams or wants. Not really.
Oh, I want to get some of the more curious spots in mom’s finances taken care of. I want to get mom’s car to the mechanic (there is a new odd orange light showing on the door handle where the electronic window buttons are. I’m not sure what it stands for and need to get out the directions and see if it tells me, but the car does need worked on). I finally got all of mom’s pets vetted (as in shots and checked over), I’ve wanted to do that for almost a year! I did get to see ‘Beauty.’ I really wanted to do that, too, and I never expected to.
I follow a blog about narcissism. I wonder if a person can be a self-narcissist. All of those things a person who is a narcissist does is what I tend to do to myself! And I wonder if I am waiting for myself to tell me to grow up? To stop wanting to depend on someone else and put on those big girl panties I often forget to wear. To realise it is ok to be alone in my world and those books are a great deal more logical to have around than I think.