Odd?

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I don’t get out to check mom’s mail very often and I don’t dive into the bills immediately when I do. Because of gems like this one. I opened up an envelope which said I needed to renew a subscription to a paper. This paper I put on hold last November. About the second week. I was told it was not a problem and just call when we wanted it back. I don’t remember what I was told about the paper subscription, but I have the conversation written down somewhere. Anyway, today I discovered it expired in November!!!!! They sent out the notice on March 9. I didn’t get it til last week and opened it today, Saturday. I was going to pay it, but I’ll call them first. The little note on the bill suggests I pay before 11/16/2016 so we don’t miss an issue. Then, there is a note which reads they’ll continue delivery unless otherwise notified. I need more diet pepsi!!!!! 

Responsible

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This is a whining post, you can skip it if you want!

Every time. Responsibility creeps in like water in cracks on pavement. Tomorrow there is a memorial service for a super sweet man. One of those elderly adorable people you admire and hug whenever you can. Anyway, it is something mom is going to go to and I was wanting to attend it as well. However, responsible does not allow for self.

Mom wrote a story for a class ages ago. She read the story to some kids and a fellow teacher person asked if mom would let her illustrate it. Anyway, the book is ready to be approved and in order for it to be published, mom needs to sign some of the paperwork. One of mom’s other teacher friends was going to come out and bring mom the stuff, but she can’t. I was asked if I could meet her tomorrow afternoon and then I could take care of it. No mention how I am supposed to get it back to whoever needs it. I am sure I’ll manage somewhere.

I also had determined to steal some of the time during the snacking part of the service to do a couple of errands. So, I’ll just do them all at the same time. I’m not a drudge or overworked, I am just a daughter who sometimes wants to be her own person. I often forget, I am not here for Kris. I am in Alaska to be responsible for someone who is having trouble at this time. Walt will know I honor his memory, even if I am not there in person. 

Yikes!

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Mom is having a procedure done on Monday. This is good because maybe the reason for all the pain she has been in will be explored. Perhaps she can then heal properly and maybe she won’t be as sick and she’ll gain weight and she can start to be independent again and she’ll get better by summer, like her oncologist says she will. On the other hand, this is bad. The procedure is being treated as a normal colonoscopy. Thirty some odd years ago, mom had her entire large intestine removed because of cancer. Now, mom wears a fitting over the hole in her abdomen with a bag to catch the waste. I’ve had a couple colonoscopies. I am absolutely NOT looking forward to having those fittings leak because of the acidic and watery substances from her body. It is going to harm her skin and we’ll need to change it several times. It is one of the many things I never imagined I would do when I started care giving for mom. Then, you add in the Diabetes (from not having a pancreas because of THAT cancer), which will make things harder to monitor. I am very glad she is not wearing her insulin pump anymore. I am sure I will need a LOT more caffeine Sunday and Monday and won’t be sleeping!!! Thankfully, I have a lot of books to read and they moved her time up from the ETA I was given yesterday. 

Just couldn’t….

I like looking through greeting cards. They often amuse me and then shock me with the prices on the back. This one, though, I would have purchased and sent to a friend. I couldn’t do it. I’m too much of a chicken!!!

Odd, I didn’t realise the ‘inside’ was blurry, I was holding it open and am not a very good easel. No matter, imagine I’m sending it to you, my followers, and giggle. I did! 

Logical

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I often feel like I am in Wonderland. It makes more sense than reality.

I normally live in Oregon. Or at least, that is where my driver’s license is from and where my spouse and my youngest are. I’ve been in Alaska almost constantly since mid July of 2016. I went back to Oregon for about 2 and a half weeks during this time. Last night, I texted my husband words wish he could come and visit me. He texted me back something about how we’ll have to look into it and then 3 hours later he texted me he’d call me on Wednesday night.

This evening he told me if I didn’t come back before May, he might be able to come to Alaska then. It is funny. We don’t often talk, we rarely text, I send emails and put things on the family blog, and have sent real mail. I get calls from my eldest often, I talk to the youngest now and then (he got seriously talked to when I found out he burned food in one of my pans!), and exist in a place so alien to theirs it is crazy. Even if we are in the same house, my spouse and I rarely communicate. He’s not really that interested in what I enjoy (he does like live theater and we go once every year or so) , he does get me my favorite flowers in February (my birthday, our anniversary, and Valentine’s Day are all that month), and we are rarely intimate (he does kiss me goodbye when he leaves for work and touch my ass when I pass him while he is sitting in his chair). But, this is why I don’t hope for things. I had tiny threads of hope roots that maybe in those hours between texts he might have been seriously considering visiting me. He did. He realised he’d be able to maybe come and see me in May.

I’d say long distance relationships suck, but they don’t if people talk to each other while they are apart. My eldest and I have a GREAT relationship! Especially, now I don’t need to get him up for school anymore. 

Wonderland is a better place and I don’t care who I end up with in that crazy kingdom. Tea?  

A little less is nice.

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Fritz Willis pinup

Did something yesterday I rarely do, unless I have on a skirt. I was completely commando in my slacks and since I don’t often wear bras, I wore one of my  lace tank tops. It was lovely! I even had a friend stop me in a store and tell me I looked less ragged than I had been! I reckon bare makes you feel even better than fun lingerie. I did have on a mostly buttoned flannel shirt and the slacks, so it wasn’t obvious what wasn’t underneath, but I knew it! 

Follow the Trail

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If you are a caregiver, please find out about EVERYTHING before it is too late! Sometimes, finding things out when it is almost too late is bad enough. Although, then they make a darn good ‘truth is stranger than fiction’ story! Let me explain.

Daddy set up some sort of life insurance policy for less than $20 a month. My daddy died more than a decade ago. Zing forward to today. It appears that there was a bank account which seemed to have the sole purpose of paying out funds to two different places (and the fees for having the account). Money went in and money went out, just a little bit, like a pin prick in an air mattress. It was discovered one of those pin pricks was this life insurance policy. Apparently, the company didn’t cancel it when my mom called to tell them daddy had died. I got it cancelled this month and sent them a death certificate with my Power of Attorney papers. I got a call the other day from a lady who works at the company. It turns out they need to pay us back. I am not exactly sure how much, no one has said and the conversation was so bizarre, I forgot to ask. I don’t even know what the policy was worth!!! Anyway, they wanted to send it back to the account it came from. Which makes sense, except, since the two odd things on it were cancelled, it was sitting there drawing fees. The three tiny leaks were stopped when I closed the account. So, then, the lady said they’d have to send a check to the address of the policy in my dad’s name. Yes, you read that right. They were sending my dad, the person they had a death certificate for, a check. I reminded them he was dead. They said they could reissue it to my mom if we had POA papers with her name on them for my dad OR if we had executor of the will papers for mom.

I went to a lawyer. It is too late for those kinds of papers to be valid, so it appears the thing to do will be to reopen the estate and close it again once the check is in our possession!!!! The lawyer was pretty surprised and dug through his books to decide what to do. We’ll probably have to use up the spare cash in fees to prove mom can really have the thing!

So, please find out what you can about your parentals and loved ones you might be taking care of. Paper chases are a pain, especially when they go across the continent!

If only

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I wish I could help her. Mom is incredibly stubborn and a survivor. Her stats are always fine, her scans are almost always good, and yet she is melting away and is in constant pain with nausea. Her oncologist says she is doing better symptom wise (she had been in the hospital in November), but I wish I could help her. She staggers when she walks (part of that could be the pain meds) and she tries to do things, but can’t remember. Her reality is not what I see.

I helped shower her today and oh, it broke my heart to pat  her paper skin dry. When she was almost ready to go to sleep, but was waiting for the Jimmy Fallon intro (she had hoped he’d talk about the wire tapping), my heart ached to see her shoulder bones protruding over the too large shirt she was wearing.  I can’t stop what is happening, I can’t help her, and I am so glad she’s having something done soon. It appears one of her doctors finally has realised there is something wrong beyond the tests. So, mom will have a day surgery sometime within the next couple of weeks. The drs will go into her stoma (the hole on her stomach through which her waste empties) and see what might be causing the bulge in her abdomen. I hope this time something is found. It hurts me to watch her hold her tummy all the time in pain. She is going through the motions of life and I wish I could help her. 

Balancing

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I am an elephant in a small ring on a teeny tiny ball. I exist and pick up peanuts as a reward. Most of the peanuts are tasty, some are less so. There are many types of peanuts inside those shells.

Last night, I messed up mom’s insulin dose. I was concerned as to how her body would react. Thankfully, I gave her enough carbs at bedtime, she was able to sleep fairly well most of the night. I checked her blood and her every couple of hours. I was perturbed she opted to sleep on the couch part way through the night, without her oxygen. Granted, she’s on just a small amount at night, but it does concern me when she goes without. She’s been on pain pills almost every four hours, which also concerns me.

 The things which happen in my own personal life are in the ring around me, I see them and wish to experience them, but I am fairly apathetic. The ball  is where I exist and no one can help me. I do appreciate the encouragement and peanuts, but ultimately, I am the one on the ball. Sometimes peanuts hit me, but they are only peanuts, leaving marks on my wrinkly grey skin. I appreciate getting off the ball now and then, but I know my duty is to get back up there and make sure things go as smoothly as possible for mom. I do wonder if I will be able to get back into the ring of my family life in Oregon (which has a lonely balancing act of its own!). I do wonder if my own body will balance ok, I’ve aged a lot in the last months.  Sex appeal on a crone is pathetic. But, those aren’t important. 

I sound depressed. I’m not really. It is the first day of spring and I see a frozen winter. I truly love winter, but it is a time of stopping and I want to move. I’ll always be alone, I’ll always want companionship, and I’ll always find ways to find blessings around me. I’m just getting tired of balancing on this ball!