If only

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I wish I could help her. Mom is incredibly stubborn and a survivor. Her stats are always fine, her scans are almost always good, and yet she is melting away and is in constant pain with nausea. Her oncologist says she is doing better symptom wise (she had been in the hospital in November), but I wish I could help her. She staggers when she walks (part of that could be the pain meds) and she tries to do things, but can’t remember. Her reality is not what I see.

I helped shower her today and oh, it broke my heart to pat  her paper skin dry. When she was almost ready to go to sleep, but was waiting for the Jimmy Fallon intro (she had hoped he’d talk about the wire tapping), my heart ached to see her shoulder bones protruding over the too large shirt she was wearing.  I can’t stop what is happening, I can’t help her, and I am so glad she’s having something done soon. It appears one of her doctors finally has realised there is something wrong beyond the tests. So, mom will have a day surgery sometime within the next couple of weeks. The drs will go into her stoma (the hole on her stomach through which her waste empties) and see what might be causing the bulge in her abdomen. I hope this time something is found. It hurts me to watch her hold her tummy all the time in pain. She is going through the motions of life and I wish I could help her. 

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4 thoughts on “If only

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