I am an elephant in a small ring on a teeny tiny ball. I exist and pick up peanuts as a reward. Most of the peanuts are tasty, some are less so. There are many types of peanuts inside those shells.
Last night, I messed up mom’s insulin dose. I was concerned as to how her body would react. Thankfully, I gave her enough carbs at bedtime, she was able to sleep fairly well most of the night. I checked her blood and her every couple of hours. I was perturbed she opted to sleep on the couch part way through the night, without her oxygen. Granted, she’s on just a small amount at night, but it does concern me when she goes without. She’s been on pain pills almost every four hours, which also concerns me.
The things which happen in my own personal life are in the ring around me, I see them and wish to experience them, but I am fairly apathetic. The ball is where I exist and no one can help me. I do appreciate the encouragement and peanuts, but ultimately, I am the one on the ball. Sometimes peanuts hit me, but they are only peanuts, leaving marks on my wrinkly grey skin. I appreciate getting off the ball now and then, but I know my duty is to get back up there and make sure things go as smoothly as possible for mom. I do wonder if I will be able to get back into the ring of my family life in Oregon (which has a lonely balancing act of its own!). I do wonder if my own body will balance ok, I’ve aged a lot in the last months. Sex appeal on a crone is pathetic. But, those aren’t important.
I sound depressed. I’m not really. It is the first day of spring and I see a frozen winter. I truly love winter, but it is a time of stopping and I want to move. I’ll always be alone, I’ll always want companionship, and I’ll always find ways to find blessings around me. I’m just getting tired of balancing on this ball!